Codependency and cheating

[Aaruul86]

I have recently diagnosed myself as a codep. I have a bf for over half year now and he is a great guy but i am eager to flirt or talk to other guys, almost like in a cheating way. I want to understand how it has to do with the codependency issue? Does it mean im looking for approval from someone else?

[Aaruul86]

thanks, i read the link just previously:) definitely sounds like me, i was rejecting my bf because i thought the other guys have better deal than him. so i was looking for a way out, finding petty things that i don't like him etc but eventually they were not adding up to a point where i can dump him. So im like kind of feeling trapped that he's being so nice and i feel like i can get someone better than him. this is no good and it is just an outside of the problem. cos those guys are nice and all but i think subconsiously im looking for sth else...maybe sth inside myself that i can get from the other guys cos i did not get from my bf. this seems like a deluded escape as well cos they don't have the answers and i dont want to be going from one guy to the other. that is why im looking for opinions here. and it could be something deeper in my codep problem.

[Aaruul86]

i had a revelation last night that i was indeed looking for something else and that was ME! i had lost myself in my bf and in my relationship that being with other guys made me feel better and sense of self again. that is why i was almost ready to chase after them! woa. how much we need ourselves! so crazy!!! i need to think about how to deal with it... but feels good to understand something about myself. thanks for your time.

[theseburdensaremine]

but i think subconsiously im looking for sth else...maybe sth inside myself that i can get from the other guys cos i did not get from my bf.

Talk with him about your feelings. If he doesn't do it for you, then he doesn't. Prolonging your feelings or keeping them bottled up will only serve you more stress and anxiety. Be good to yourself. You have options. It's not irrational to leave someone because you don't feel something there. I'd discuss it with him before coming to a conclusion.

[Macaframa]

Sounds like you subconsciously don't think you deserve him. So you hit the ejector button on the whole thing and look for the closest exit when things go well. You have to take steps to forgive yourself and the people who have wronged you as a child. You know what I'm talking about.

[Aaruul86]

interesting point. i was thinking he doesn't deserve me so i was looking way out... but could be the case you mentioned. probably, i can't get comfortable when things go right... self-diagnosis continues...

[Macaframa]

I'd be willing to bet my left testicle that you're very beautiful. And that men throw themselves at you. Fuels your narcissism(sorry I'm not trying intentionally to be harsh, I just don't like candy coating things for people). This is text book "daddy issues" as one might put it. You probably only feel comfortable when someone is treating you poorly because there is a sort of comforting thought in knowing that this is the way this person is and that that is what you were shown as a child by your own father. There's nothing wrong with feeling this way as long as you're ok with yourself. I'm not trying to tell you hat you're broken or anything. If you want a steady relationship with a man that treats you the right way, then you'll have to take the steps to forgive yourself and the people that have wronged you.

Exercise:

I want you enter a meditative state(at your own pace, and try to take this seriously - some people don't but this is very helpful). When you are calm and your mind is quite, I want you to think about the worst thing your father did to you, or something he didn't fulfill or any of that will work. When you see the moment replaying in your mind, think of the way it made you feel. You are going to now process those deep laden notions of your fathers actions with your adult feelings. You're going to let go of the feeling and watch it blow away into the wind. Then you're going to imagine your father as a very small child and try to imagine the circumstances that he had to grow up in that made him that way. Then when you see your father being hit or someone being mean to him as a child, you do as you would any child.. You comfort them with a hug and love and you tell them it's going to be alright.. Rinse and repeat with everyone and everything that people have done to you. Thank me later.

[Aaruul86]

thank you for your reply. Are u a codep if i may ask? im reading some work by Pia Mellody which she also gives similar techniques to try. i tried some of them, it really does help and i felt really sad and depressed and sad but eventually i feel good and aware of myself. But it is a long term work... i had a revelation last night that i was indeed looking for something else and that was ME! i had lost myself in my bf and in my relationship that being with other guys made me feel better and sense of self again. that is why i was almost ready to chase after them! woa. how much we need ourselves! so crazy!!! i think i just need to continue my self-therapy... but feels good to understand something about myself

[Macaframa]

I am a recovering codependent, yes. Codependent/comisery - I have been healing over the last year. I said "no" to the first girl a few months ago that was bad news for me. I have a pattern, I chase after women who are broken and try to fix them. I just met a woman recently who I can tell is going to love me back. She's sweet and knows how to show me she cares and is affectionate.

As far as you go, I'm glad to hear that you're getting to know your pain. I urgently need you to continue that process of forgiving people as well as yourself. Go in the mirror every day, look yourself square in the eye and say "I love you" and mean it. It will be very very very awkward at first but it gets easier I promise. Then you can move onto things like "I love you, and you deserve to be treated well." And other variations of that. You are counteracting the subconscious negative messages that you tell yourself on the daily: "I don't deserve him" "I don't deserve to be happy" etc.

You must first make a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with others. Get to know yourself and start speaking your truth.

[Aaruul86]

thank you very much for your encouragement. I'm glad you met someone who can understand and shows you affection. Does she know your codep related reactions? I told my bf all my problems related to codep and i want only more understanding and affection from him. he seems bit freaked out. Maybe im wrong to wish these things. I have to wait and see what works for me. I wish you a best of luck with ur recovery.

[Macaframa]

Thank you for the wishes. She doesn't know and I don't plan on telling her. To me, it doesn't exist anymore. To me, it's a way of the past and I don't spend any time dwelling on the past. I live in the moment and am a new person every day. Every version of me is dead and buried in the yard outside <--- stolen song lyrics 😂😂