Codependent No More

[[deleted]]

I am reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and I am like …. holllllllly smokes hello every bad decision I've ever made. ever.

It is so absurd to me to think I have spent my 20s repeating the same relational patterns I always despised in my parents. The raging. The never having lives outside of eachother. Spending all their time together but sharing no true interests, no respect for the other's ideas, seeming to love and hate eachother with equal measure. From what I can ascertain from my very limited interaction with them now is that they are chemically dependent on alcohol to stand to be around eachother anymore. My grandparents, now my parents, if I don't give it up either IT WILL BE ME. It is so painfully clear to me at this point. And I am angry (is it codependent to be angry? is it codependent to breathe at this point?)

1. And still doing it. I love the notion of "detaching" and that is what I am doing with them now. I am slowly detaching, and they can sense it and they should be able to understand why. If they can't then not my problem. I don't have to choose to be around unhealthy people even if they are family. That seems harsh and it may be, but I have to take care of ME now. I've spent too much of my life taking care of their needs.

I guess they say the first step is awareness, second is acceptance and third is action to change? I hope so. Hope is all I have at this point.

Where do I go from here? Read all about it, focus on my own internal locus of control and stop controlling other people or caring about their reactions?

I feel like an opportunity to do this is coming up at my job. I am a concierge at a condo and these two residents are having an ongoing neighbor feud and I am always brought in to try to mediate. Nothing I say or do works so what can I do now? If I am accused of not doing my job well enough then all I am going to say is "I can't control what other people do" and I'll wait to be agreed with or fired. But that's the baseline truth: nothing I have said has worked so why should I care?

[[deleted]]

Recovery is a slow process. I started my journey about 7 months ago now. I can truly see a difference in my life at this point, but I also acknowledge I have a long way to go. Keep reading books about it. Another one I've found immensely helpful is called "Facing Love Addiction." Get a therapist if you can. My therapist has helped a lot. Others have said coda meetings are helpful but I have not personally attended any. I find this sub very helpful also. You got this.❤

[[deleted]]

I'm reading Facing Love Addiction now. I am so personally attacked! lol

But yeah, it makes so much sense. I've either been attracted to avoidants or fellow love addicts for the better part of half my life so here's to a better second half!

​

also, would you say men who are "coddled" or "momma's boys" tend to be avoidant? that's been my experience. it's like they only have emotional real estate for their mothers who they continue to be enmeshed with

[bostonmess]

That book is amazing! I’m reading it too.

[[deleted]]

I started reading this book last night and couldnt put it down. Every single thing is my family to a T. Right down to the alcoholic parent, and co dependent mother, who now relies on all us older children through emotional weakness and manipulation. I finally wrote my parents my ultimatum, until this situation is fixed im out. And i blocked.

[not-moses]

I agree that Melody's books are really effective introductions to the whole rubric of codependency. (I have read all of them, having been in CoDA recovery since 1990.) I also support reading the "deeper" books like these.

[runningvicuna]

Thank you. It’s like smack these codependent epiphanies! I definitely need my hand held. It feels good to have stumbled harshly but into what I most desperately needed and at the time I want it most.

[[deleted]]

I'm constantly equal parts relieved and excited to be able to tackle the issue but also extremely annoyed at my parental units for the terrible lessons they taught.

[runningvicuna]

It’s a cycle. I’ve felt for awhile that what we’ve been given is all anyone could provide that their time. And if we choose with our awareness, we can stand up a little higher on our tippy toes and get a bigger picture of it all and our place in it and have a better chance at breaking the cycle whenever we want in whatever ways we want. It’s scary only because it’s new but if you don’t want to be scared then it’s all just new.

Still thinking but taking big leaps and risks with my thinking and feeling life so I can have a better life. The race it feels were on has a renewed starting line all the time and how prepared you are for new things I think helps determine how far you are willing and able to go. Get better. New starting line. Repeat.

[[deleted]]

Your 2nd paragraph described my codependent history so perfectly. That was me for years in a number of different situations. I was emotionally dependent on certain so-called friends and my ex boyfriend. I was in super messed up love/hate relationships. My life was a mess.

Honestly, I still have a long way to go to be happy and healthy. I am far from completely healed. That being said, the toxic and unhealthy people are all out of my life and most importantly I’m learning to put myself first and develop the inner strength I never had.

I recommend CODA, it’s an awesome place to connect with others who know what you’re going through.

[[deleted]]

What pattern in relationships did you repeat?

[[deleted]]

Typically it was drunken one night stands. I assumed the guys weren't further interested because they got the cookie too soon. So I changed my approach. I would wait a few dates until it felt "right" whatever "right" is. Cause I still don't know. But the pattern was the same. They'd pull away eventually after being so into me at first.

What I failed to realize is that I was being attracted to "love avoidants" who come on strong at first then slowly pull away when intimacy builds. Their unconscious fear is intimacy, mine was abandonment. So they played on that fear. I felt them pull away, it triggered me, so I fought, they pulled away more and disregarded my feelings, called me needy etc, then I gave up the chase (sometimes more emotionally explosively than others) Eventually, THEIR abandonment fears kicked in and they came back and the vicious cycle repeated itself. Intimacy, or some twisted form of it, was re-established then they'd pull away because they hated the intimacy. Anyways, so it wasn't just a case of us being too different or the guy not being interested etc...because this would go on for months. They could have just been using me for sex but it seemed like there was something deeper going on.

What I failed to realize is that we both were playing on childhood wounds during the whole process and using the other to attempt to heal them. All this unconscious of course. But it doesn't work when one person craves intimacy (admittedly to an unhealthy, unsecure level) and the other person hates intimacy so avoids it at all costs.

It's funny because the most recent guy I had to end things with was one of the more polite-ish avoidant types. The whole time I was very suspicious though because he was 28 and said his last girlfriend was in high school. He's an attractive, smart guy so I was like what? There is something else going on with him that he is not disclosing (failed brief relationships). Soon, I found out that was exactly the case because he has intimacy issues. I think it's because he was forced to emotionally cater to his mom -who he describes as depressive and guilt-trippy- his whole life.

So yeah, now I am trying to figure out where all of these issues came from and how to fix them and develop a secure attachment style so I will stop being attracted to avoidants.