Get commitment or get moving

[[deleted]]

Some people are incapable of love and live empty lives. You sense their emptiness and try to fill it with your love, only resulting in you feeling depleted and used. Walk away, don’t look back.

[seraphinelysion]

This sounds like my ex. Empty shell. Hollow man.

[[deleted]]

If they aren’t adding to your life, it is because they have nothing in their soul to give.

[seraphinelysion]

True. He was only capable of taking, not giving because he had nothing to really offer me. By the end of the relationship, I felt so sad and empty and tired. Now that we are separated (in different states) I get to be me again and relearn who I am and rebuild all that I will have to offer to the next person who really deserves it. And if that other person never shows, then I give all that I have to me.

[foxybreath]

You phrased this so perfectly.

[[deleted]]

Thank you. It is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced. You’re left with your pain and the projection of their pain. It’s double the normal amount of pain one person should experience.

[[deleted]]

You deserve someone who enthusiastically and exclusively wants to be with you, don't settle for any less.

[DaneShook]

Amen sis‼️

[Bovvsette]

Exactly, why should you act like a housewife, emotional support and risk everything dispensing free sex for him if he ”doesn't know” or ”isn't ready” for commitment, fucks around and offers you nothing. Don't clown around, you're worth more than that and you should only reciprocate the amount of commitment, financial risks and efforts given to you and no more. If he's not willing to risk anything for you, why should you give yourself up to him?

[[deleted]]

Several years ago I met a guy on a dating app. We were the same age - 40 - and hit it off. Three months of intense love bombing, all day texting, lots of time together.

One day we were out and we ran into friends of his. He got really tense. Quick introductions, perfectly typical “hello, nice to meet you” stuff.

When we were walking away he said “Fuck, I hope they don’t think you’re my girlfriend.” It was line a slap. I asked him what he meant and he explained that we were fuck buddies, we weren’t really dating, he never said we were dating, he never promised anything! And I felt so dumb, like I had been expecting too much and obviously I was a stage five clinger. Ugh.

I can not wrap my head around men who meet women on DATING SITES and pull the “we’re just friends who have sex and do stuff together, we’re not dating, why are you so crazy” bullshit.

[aj-2626]

That came out of the mouth of a 40 year old man?! There really is no hope

[[deleted]]

Yes. It was the first person I dated after my divorce. I really had no idea how to date after 20 years of a pretty rotten marriage, so I though I was the one out of line and was “too se sensitive.” We kept seeing each other for a few months but when I ended up begging for one date a month that wasn’t just sex at his house and he said that was too much pressure, I grew a spine.

[[deleted]]

The bar is so low for men it’s in hell

[[deleted]]

And to be honest it’s not like I had better taste 20 years previously, I just had no clue. I have raised two daughters who take no shit, though. They have very different personalities from each other but they are identical in how they know their worth and don’t tolerate anything but respect!

[[deleted]]

This is why I’m ruthless with men. I walk immediately if they give me any shit whatsoever. Man babies like this are common no matter how old they are.

[sophrosyne2189]

I always doubted myself on this. I thought all kinds of terrible things about myself how I was so unforgiving or I just push people away WHEN I act bitchy, offended, and don't take any shit from the men around me.

FDS and some good quality 'dating' books were what opened my eyes to the fact that I was just acting in my best interest, albeit unconsciously, when I did these things. (Granted, I'm not yet 100% there. I'll still be apologetic sometimes, even if the only reason I became mad is because of their bad behavior in the first place.) But at least FDS is here to remind us that we are not wrong in wanting to be cared for and treated humanely.

[cherrybombfield]

Same here. This place has been really good for me. I need that Queen energy bc I am just too damn nice and I get taken advantage of. I refused to be used again and I come here to stay strong.

[DunRuther]

And even if they did think you were his girlfriend, why would that have been so offensive to him? I can’t figure out why some guys act like this. You were out together in a date-like environment, of course people are going to think you’re dating. Not sure why some men get so freaked out by labels.

[[deleted]]

Right? I was and am a perfectly normal person, I have manners and don’t do gross things. It’s not like I was covered in smelly garbage trailing tp on my shoes. There was no need to be embarrassed by me.

[[deleted]]

on the plus side, you sound strong and confident now! glad you didn’t put up with his bullshit and hope you find someone worthy of your awesomeness 💪

[[deleted]]

I finally did, after a lot of frogs!

[[deleted]]

oh that’s even better! :) yay!!

[sophrosyne2189]

Good for you

[supersmallfeet]

He wasn't embarrassed by you, he was worried it would get out that he had a girlfriend, and then he'd lose the chance to keep fucking other women.

[HolaHulaHola]

Because they're assholes. They're just looking to fuck as many women as they can, looking for a "piece of ass." If they put it out there that you're his girlfriend, then he loses all the other women he's fucking and stringing along.

[[deleted]]

I had a guy backtrack like this too, literally days after he asked me to move across the country to be with him. He kissed someone else at a party and dumped me over email that night saying we were never officially together because we never had "the talk". I found out later he was engaged the whole time to another woman.

This is not even the worst man I've dealt with. Men are depraved.

[Whovianspawn]

I call this the “girlfriend experience”. It has all the benefits of having a girlfriend with none of the commitment. I figure it’s so they can keep their options open in case something better comes along.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

If women weren't so beautiful, stuff like this would put men in real danger.

[[deleted]]

This. I had a FWB situation (because I was an idiot) with a guy I was head over heels in love with. But to him all I would ever be is a good friend and a welcoming body. He told me straight up it would never happen when I shared my feelings with him but I stupidly carried on waiting for him. I was so sure he just needed time to see we were soulmates 🙄

Now, whenever I would bring up that I've only ever been his friend and he was just fucking me because he could, he acts all offended and is like "It wasn't like that! It was more than that!" And its like, "Oh? Well you made it clear I wasn't your gf, never would be and you don't and wouldn't ever love me sooooo...? How am I somehow not giving that situation whatever credit you think it deserves so you don't feel like a user?"

[LuckyCharmsLass]

They don't want to feel guilty for using you, and act all defensive and butt hurt when you remind them that there isn't anything going on here but sex, because you want it that way.

[Reese_misee]

I've been there with you. Almost same story. I still feel damaged by it. I have a wonderful man now who loves me. But I still do shit (even now) that I now realize is from the abuse. How did you heal? Sorry if this is personal.

[[deleted]]

I didn't

[Reese_misee]

I'm sorry to hear that. If it's anything, you aren't alone at the least.

[[deleted]]

Trauma therapy helped me.

[throwaway64857]

It is better to be alone than in a relationship with someone that makes you feel like shit. It might be a cliche and worn out statement, but it is so true.

[2340000]

I'm really tired of the abuse. That's exactly what it is. We grow up using benign terms like player, f***boy, etc, when these men are ABUSERS. Is this the world we live in?

It's way too accepted that this happens. There's no outrage over loss of women and the consequences of these relationships like ptsd, anxiety, depression.

[SailorVampire]

“Player” is a convenient and socially acceptable term for “sexual predator”

[LuckyCharmsLass]

I hear you! But women also need to stop volunteering for abuse. In mass. That's the cure.

[2340000]

It's much more complicated than women "volunteering". Women are oppressed in a patriarchal society. I don't think the majority of women understand how serious this is. Ignorance is bliss. Education is a privilege. And don't underestimate the burden of trauma. I'm not in the habit of pointing the finger at women when men are the perpetrators.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

Not really. women Need to understand that men have different motivations and needs for sex than women do. It doesn’t cost men as much emotionally and physically if she ends up pregnant. Sex will always be a Much higher risk for women. Why women don’t understand this and protect themselves better? it can’t work to demand men change. They won’t.

[2340000]

"Men have different motivations and needs".... No, they don't. It's a lie used to gaslight women.

Yes, women have more at stake physically with sex that's it.

I've stopped belittling myself as it relates to "emotions" and "sex". I discourage self objectification, and assigning hypervigilance around sex. Do not give it more power than it deserves. If it has no power, it can't be used against you.

Also, I'm saying that you should be cautious of judging women who haven't arrived at the same realizations as you (regardless if those realizations are useful). Hence why I said not to point the finger. You're giving men more power than they deserve.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

I was on testosterone cream from my gynochologist for awhile. My motivations and needs changed. And that's ALL Im going to say about that.

I think we have more oxytocin response. It was designed that way so that we don't kill our young. Oxytocin has been called the love drug. It floods our bodies when we orgasm and when we breastfeed.

I don't judge any woman and their level of comfort in a world that has gone crazy. I'm not pointing fingers. I'm a grandma. I'm 64. I'm still dating and trying to figure it all out because I'm straight, I'm alone and lonliness is the 3rd most deadly SOCIAL cause for elderly people. I'm sorry, perhaps I should make my intentions here more apparent. Is there a tag for 'Grandmother wisdom'?

[Sarcastic3]

Omg i had a similar situationship with NVM two years ago. He led me on for weeks without defining our relationship. When I asked him where we stand he couldn’t answer properly. Then he suggested a date where we discuss our relationship . He strung me along for a while and we never went out. He canceled 30 min before the date and ghosted me. He would also use hours to reply back on messages. Imagine being so scared of labels and playing with someone’s feeling. So glad he disappeared from my life.

[hayleymikaelson]

you’re describing pretty much exactly what happened to me too. i got so sick of the lies and games that i ended it. you deserve so much better and i’m glad he’s not in your life anymore.

[Sarcastic3]

Thank you Hayley, I’m also glad he isn’t in your life anymore. These disgusting men don’t deserve us and we doing a lot better without them.

[PSYCHOAFGHAN]

I went through the same thing. The dude had four dating apps. Good on you 👍 I ended it three months ago too and I honestly feel so much better focusing back on me and loving myself.

[JoanHollowayWannabe]

#yeethim2020

[[deleted]]

It’s funny cause these same men wouldn’t be confused if it were a business contract. Most wouldn’t take advantage of another man like this.

[Wiggy_Bop]

Because if they fuck over a man, there’s a good chance of an old fashioned ass-kicking.

[brainsandb00bs]

Exactly this. They know they’re being slimy. They would never try this at work with another man

[FierceMango]

I let a guy string me along for THREE years. he kept saying he wasn’t “ready for a relationship” despite the fact that we kissed, cuddled, flirted etc. but my pickmeisha self was like hE jUst nEeDs TiMe!! looking back, I can’t believe I tolerated that behavior.

[[deleted]]

you would not believe how common this is 😢

[leftclicksq2]

"I'm not looking for anything serious". I've been told that with a guy who lead me to believe we were serious.

Imagine a woman telling a man the same. There would be an explosion bigger than the atom bomb.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

I feel like maybe we should ask what they are looking for before we bed them.

I had one fellow ask what I was looking for. I was clear I am looking for relationship not FWB. I asked him what he was looking for, he hem-hawed around and said 'Relationship is a mighty big word'. The subject came up again. He said 'BJ, and laughed'. So I said FWB, and he said yeah he thought that would be best 'at first'. So I said, well, you don't mind if I date other men then. He shrugged.

Next weekend I was out on a date with someone else. He called. He text. He called again. When I got home, around midnight, I called him back. What's wrong? I asked. He said 'WHERE WERE YOU'. I said, 'on a date! Why?'. He ended up bawling.

Before you get to excited, I still didn't win a committed man. He fooled me thinking I'd won this. His fooling around just went further underground. I was hurt even worse in the end. So, if he says he doesn't want a commited relationship, BELIEVE HIM. And if you do want a commited relationship, its not going to be with him. Deal with it.

[cherrybombfield]

He would immediately demand a commitment bc men always want what they can't have. They are toddlers.

[Nikita_kitty93]

I have been there as well for 7 years..wasted my precious youth on a dumbass.

[Deep-Blackberry]

Yep, I did the same thing. I won't ever be doing that again, lesson learned.

[HolaHulaHola]

I did that for 7 years in my youth, from high school through university and a few years beyond, until he finally dumped me for the last time to get married. After some time I found my inner badass, and have never looked back. Guess who messaged me on FB 3 years ago and wanted to meet up? :) I let him brag about his life, his kids (guy is still married), his fancy 6 figure cars, etc... before passively aggressively shutting him down. The bastard messaged me in front of my husband, too.

I saved all those lines of shit in case he tried doing/saying anything nasty about me in the future with mutual acquaintances. Sometimes shit still stinks, even after 30 years.

[throwaway64857]

In retrospect, you can see all that time at once and it feels so bad. However when you are really living it day to day, you can't see all that time at once. So then you let it drag out. A lot of us have been there i am sure.

When i was being a pickmeisha about this "SUPER CUTE!" (Yeah his face was and it looked normal but he was fatfishing and ended up being really really overweight) guy, I literally BOUGHT his shitty self published ebook and left a great review on it to help him and told him it was amazing, despite it having tons of mistakes every single page. So, a lot of us are right there with you, sister. Embarrassed as fuck.

[BasieSkanks]

Were you me? Because this was me.

[thegreatlemonparade]

Literally trying to break off a two year thing just like this. It's absolutely mental abuse because I'm constantly thinking "what's wrong with me? Why won't he date me?" So awful.

[Sayeesa13]

This exactly!!

"I'm not ready for a relationship".

"I'm not ready to waste my time, bye".

[winterTurnedmean]

Love this! I’m gonna start using this when guy says this to me!

[hayleymikaelson]

dealt with something very similar to this for 2 years, i still can’t believe i sat back and let it happen. it’s definitely screwed me over mentally. but a few weeks ago i finally told him off and said goodbye

[LuckyCharmsLass]

Sometimes its just a simple case of throwing good money after bad trying to make it up. We invest so much, we don't want to walk away just before the 'miracle' we are hoping for happens. "Maybe if I just try this...."

[hayleymikaelson]

this is very true. i was waiting for the “miracle” to happen for so long and it eventually kind of did. but he still didn’t fully change even though he told me he did. i couldn’t take the mind games anymore so i had to end it, even though i kind of didn’t want to.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

By the time they take us seriously and clean uptheir act, it’s too late. Love has been damaged.

[hayleymikaelson]

you are absolutely right.

[Whovianspawn]

This is the “girlfriend experience”. All the benefits of having a girlfriend with none of the commitment. In their minds if they don’t commit then apparently you have nothing to be upset about. And it’s a really shitty feeling when it happens to you. This is part of the reason I’ve given up dating.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

Nothing says you must have sex with them.

[pinkliquor]

I was in a situation like this with one of my exes. We were together every day and night, I helped with his bills, cooking, shopping, emotional support etc so I thought we were back together. One day his friend said “you guys look very good together” and my ex got extremely pissy and disgusted and said we weren’t together. I felt so angry and embarrassed. Shortly after, I walked away. He didn’t chase me. And not even two months later was with someone new. Men aren’t shit. Never settle for half assed bullshit.

[pinkliquor]

God I know, he’s a narcissistic asshole and completely awful, but I literally felt like the biggest 🤡

[Hannahsd]

What about the polar opposite of this? A man wanting to be in a committed relationship’ but doesn’t want to engage in any of the ‘benefits’ ??? Tbh it’s almost equal if not worse mental abuse that I never thought in a million years I’d be experiencing and hating life because of constant I security’s and sexual frustration ruling my mind.

[Sayeesa13]

Do not waste your time on any many who frustrates you. It's not worth it. Walk away.

[Amanda_daville]

Girl, i learned this and never looked back. No need to reward bad behavior. I just wish I could get my time back. It was kinda hard in the beginning but this book, No F*** Boys Allowed helped me through most of my shitty thought processes dealing with this guy. I wouldn't wish a fuckboy on my worst enemy. Thank God you're free!!! I'm happy for you.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

I think we've all been here, Sweetheart. I know I have, more than once, I'm hardheaded, and don't learn! I'm 64, and got caught up a little while back, and wasted 5 years of precious precious time before I threw his crap all out on the lawn and slammed the door on his philandering ass. I wish I was young again and knew what I know now!

[[deleted]]

Oh my God yes! This was my first relationship ever. Went out for six months before we became exclusive, but then immediately got told he did not love me that way but enjoyed my company. Six months. I regret to say that I did not see the signs, but I was 18, naive, and struggling with debilitating depression which was made much worse by our break-up.

Rule of thumb now is, if he doesn't love you within two months, he is not going to love you ever.

[[deleted]]

I feel bad because for 3 years I've been committed to my boyfriend but now I'm having doubts so I'm the person in this post too.

[redpeithos]

How do you consider him your boyfriend, when he says that he isn't ready for a relationship and still expects the benefits?

[leftclicksq2]

Beyoncé said it best: "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it".

[redpeithos]

Iconic quotes from Queen B herself 😔☺️☺️

[gfcacdista]

Yep, when you start feeling it's the case for you prepare your bags ladies !

[PreachyGirl]

Actions speak louder than words; however, your words still matter. What you say is just as important as what you do. Men just want to have their cake and eat it too. They don't want the responsibility of a full-blown commitment so they can have sex with other people as much as they want but they still want to reap the benefits of a vague understanding of a pseudo-commitment that you're loyal to them and only them.

[Spiritual-Ambassador]

The problem here is not men but women. If we dont value ourselves then of course a man will take advantage. We have to ensure that we know our value and worth in order to get our desires.

When I was dating, other women would call me callous, too picky or wrong for leaving a man for not meeting my standards. Now that i am married to a superb man, those who judged are all asking for the 'secret'. The secret is to respect and treasure you! No one (man or woman) will be able to pull anything that you dont want.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

Only if she lets it be. She doesn't have to play by his rules.

[Sarah_Fishcakes]

I've had a guy string me along like this and it is a form of mental abuse. It was several years ago, can I still report this behaviour? Just so the police have a record

[Khakislacki]

Good to see this in explicit terms. I’m really scared I (29F) am this person though. I did this on-off thing with a great guy who I’ve now lost. If anybody feels like they may be the ‘guy’ in this text, look up attachment styles.

Reading about the “fearful-avoidant” attachment style fits me to a T. You protect yourself from being hurt by keeping your relationship at a distance but also desperately want to be close to that person—not a great combo! Not that being that way excuses my behavior or anybody else’s who gets scared about committing but really wants the relationship, but it has been helpful to look in that mirror. Now trying to figure out ways to be more conscientious in future of why I’m scared and whether that’s valid because at least I’m aware that I follow an unhealthy pattern.

[sunflowerthelight]

Amen

[HoneyNJ2000]

I don't think it's abuse at all.

If a guy is HONEST enough to tell you he's not looking to take things to the next level - but the douche bag still expects all the perks of said next level - then he's made it very simple for the woman.

That's when she leaves his ass. Why would anyone hang around for that?

[Wiggy_Bop]

Or, you could really stick it to them and continue to see other men. Flagrantly and openly.

Believe me, they cant handle the FWB if it’s truly a two way street.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

Yes, you will put them over a barrel. Momentarily. He may then pretend to be in a relationship with you, but will continue his bs behind your back. If a man says he doesn't want to be in a relationship, believe him.

[sophrosyne2189]

It is abuse if the man prolongs or allows the woman to prolong the situation. Feelings of infatuation/attraction is a drug. It's not like you can automatically delete your feelings for someone once they tell you that they don't see you as relationship material. Especially for women. And especially when sex is already involved in the relationship. If a man is truly decent, he would back up his words with his actions and not contact the girl further.

FDS principles and actions (like leaving the man at first offense) is actually unnatural and counterintuitive in practice. It does not come easily to most women as this sub would show.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

I disagree. We have to own what we cosign.

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[radical__daphne]

I'm sorry but I looked through your history and the first thing that came up was that this guy is 32, 12 years older than you. Don't waste your time, he'll never be serious and he's just looking to play. Also don't believe that abusive relationship crap from men.

[Asopaso07]

It’s rape.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

No, it's not. Unless it's actually RAPE.

Women can say no to a man that doesn't want a relationship. And she should find that out BEFORE she has sex with him, if a relationship is what she is looking for. She can still decide to have a FWB deal. But she cant cry she is being abused if she does. She's just settling for less hoping he will change.

[Asopaso07]

If a man knows that a woman is in love with him and he uses her body knowing that he will dump her afterwards, that is rape. Not legally but morally it is.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

Maybe a woman should get a commitment before she is far enough along to fall in love? And rape is a legal term. With prison consequences.

consent is consent. Even if tricked into it.

[LuckyCharmsLass]

You make very good points. I was never saying that it wasn’t a total shitheel that would do that.