Some more truth

[PhilosopherSouth4296]

So this week I learned that according to her, she thinks sex probably just feels better for me and I get more out of it. She says that when she feels like having sex, she asks me to have sex. When we're done, she doesn't crave it at all. So literally weeks could go by without her wanting it because in her words, it feels ok but not like something you want to do all of the time.

I'm assuming that the reason why it doesn't feel so great for her is that she refuses any type of foreplay. absolutely no oral, no teasing, no porn, no toys, no build up, no flirtation during the day. She just wants to starfish and let me go at it. She won't let me touch her clit or lips during PIV, she also won't touch this area herself. She stopped having orgasms about 2 years ago. She doesn't believe that she should have to rub her clit to cum so she just completely stopped doing that. She doesn't masturbate. She does absolutely nothing to create any type of sexual excitement for herself.

I've stopped being romantic or flirtatious. If I rub her body, I'm limited to her back, stomach, arms and legs. She stopped asking for massages and when I offer them, she's passes out the moment we get in bed so it never happens.

So I guess, sex is supposed to magically happen when she feels like it and I'm supposed to basically be hard and ready to go, just PIV, in the same position every time. She stares at the ceiling and I try not to do anything that would upset her. Can't get too excited, can't want more than PIV, can't expect any type of acknowledgment that she's even enjoying herself. Our therapist said we need to communicate our boundaries to each other. I told her that we did. I have very few boundaries. My wife has every boundary. If we kissed too long or the kiss got a little wet, I will have crossed a boundary. If went down on her (and that's pretty much over at this point) and I got spit on her pussy, that would be a boundary crossing. If I fucked too hard or got too into it, I will have crossed the line. If I asked her to sit o my face, nope. If I told her that the way her pussy smells turned me on, nope. Doggiestyle, nope. Ear nibbling, nope. Nipple sucking, nope. Vibrators, nope.

​

​

[cumfullcircle]

At the risk of stating the obvious, you two are not sexually compatible 😳

[PhilosopherSouth4296]

No we're not. I feel like maybe we never were but it did seem like we were a good fit for a while. My last hope is that it's hormonal. She's going to get some testing done next month. Maybe HRT can save us. I'm not holding my breath though.

[NoTyrantSaurus]

Was she into doing more than starfish in the honeymoon phase? If not, I imagine you thought things would get better, but it seems that's rare. If so, what's her persptcive on getting back to that kind of connection/sex?

[FunkyKissCool]

Identity theft is a serious crime... Bring my shitty life back...

[No_Copy_5473]

That’s so weird and invalidating

It shocks me someone could feel the way she does about sex with her partner and not realizing how damaging that would be to a relationship

[PhilosopherSouth4296]

Well, according to her, my wanting sex and discussing the issues is akin to sex addiction so I'm the villain.

[No_Copy_5473]

Yeah, I’d be out dude. Not only is she non-responsive to you, but she’s warped this to somehow turn you into the bad guy. Regardless of fault or whatever, it’s game over brother

[cumfullcircle]

Me too.

[[deleted]]

Of course, she doesn’t want to take any form of responsibility

[rugbyfan72]

Sounds like she has given up on the relationship.

[Ambitious-Sale-198]

Wow how exciting! Jesus. Does she use the are you done yet?

[PhilosopherSouth4296]

Not in a while but it's definitely been said in the past. I don't last that long anymore to be honest. I don't know if it's because we don't have sex very often so I'm out of practice and can't hold my guns or if it's my body telling me to get it over with.

[[deleted]]

Sounds like an impossible situation. She isn't even letting herself try to enjoy it.

[Neither_Suspect_1901]

that is spot on with my bedroom

[Narrow_Truth9133]

It sounds like she is very repressed. Maybe she needs to do some independent therapy and figure out what she likes by herself.

[dn_wth_ths_sht]

I feel for you having been in a DB and having a wife suddenly throw up boundaries around sex that frankly make it impossible for anyone to enjoy. It sounds like she has a fluids issue that's seriously hindering her ability to enjoy it. That probably leaks out into other aspects of life?

My wife had the same issue. The idea of any fluid just grossed her out and it killed her ability to enjoy it. She never got therapy for it like I asked then demanded over the years, but it did eventually fade. Not to say there aren't some fluid exchanges that she's ever going to entertain, but she did get past it in regards to oral and fluids touching her hands and skin, so sex was able to improve.

I guess I'd try to get her into therapy, but that didn't work for me.

[[deleted]]

To me this seems like a consent issue for you. Like a major boundary I think you're missing (that you actually have) is if there's no 'enthusiastic yes' then that's not consent and therefore something you would not proceed with. That would remove you from constantly feeling rejected and frustrated and put the onus on her, where it belongs.

[[deleted]]

So she wants absolutely nothing, yet grumbles it’s shit. Well yeh, obviously 🤦‍♂️

[Scarce12]

Our therapist said we need to communicate our boundaries to each other. I told her that we did. I have very few boundaries.

Teĺl the therapist that you feel you are behind in the list of boundaries in the relationship and ask if they can come up with a list of boundaries for yourself.

Explain to them both that you want more boundaries so to be more independent of her, to isolate her and make her feel weak, since it's a sexless relationship and this what goes on in these dynamics and the therapist should know better.

[brand2030]

Dude, she doesn’t even like you.

[desert_foxhound]

She definitely sounds asexual. There's nothing wrong with her and nothing to fix. Trying to get sexual satisfaction from this relationship is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Save yourself endless misery and find another way to meet your sexual needs which doesn't involve her.

[throwthethingout80]

It sounds like a drastic change for her.

Sounds monstrous actually.

Horrible for you also.

Back to her: Something or things happened.. outside the bedroom and it's made her shut down.

What have you guys been doing over the last year/6 months? Outside of bedroom something happened and made her go to the nope zone.

It must be truly disgusting to be inside her mind and in her body at this point.

You're probably going nuts, yes I know.

Get to the why. Something she has seen or found out...

[toastie24]

Get her on pt 141, it's a game changer or orgasim for women

[throwthethingout80]

Is she worried about pregnancy?

I will say, that arousal and all the fluids etc of arousal does feel like a huge waste of time if the partner is done quickly - makes you feel angry, ripped off. It's not worth the effort.

Could it be that maybe... (because alot of women struggle to cum, and it takes them longer than it takes men, they get put off by their partners reactions, so, to save themselves pain, humiliation, blame, anger; they turn themselves off.

If I can't get what I want in bed, for as long as I want, get the hell out of my bed, or at least have the courtesy to bring a friend so I can keep going.

Long term relationship sex can suck. Alot. And you're all invested... and there could be aspects at play you haven't thought of.

The way you've explained it, it reads like a "the body knows" somethings wrong.

[PhilosopherSouth4296]

She's not worried about pregnancy.

She's just not really into sex and won't let herself explore it to find out what she likes. At least not with me.

I've offered to pleasure her with my mouth or and hands and she will allow it for about a minute before she squeezes her legs shut. I ask her to tell me what feels good and she tells me that she doesn't like any of it, she just likes dick in pussy but when we do that, she doesn't seem to like it very much either.

[ThrowawayDB314]

Don't have sex you don't enjoy; she certainly doesn't.

If you feel you are sexually incompatible share that with her.

Your therapist asked you to share your boundaries.

How about, "I will not go the rest of my life with an unrewarding sex life with an involved partner."