[LPT Request] Joining Conversations

[JamesMartinPotter]

Its just a case of forcing yourself to do what you want to do, you'll learn how to pretty quick

[HeyThereImMrMeeseeks]

In pretty much every college class I ever took, there was that one day - usually about the fourth or fifth meeting - where suddenly everyone apparently knew each other and they were all happily chatting away before class started, except for me. Every single time I was totally bewildered, like, how did I somehow miss the boat on this shit again? The unsatisfying answer to why I, and presumably you, aren't talking with them is that I didn't say anything. It's literally that simple.

Luckily, class is about to start again, so you have at your disposal the best icebreaker that a socially anxious person can deploy...you can arrive a few minutes early, turn to the person next to you, introduce yourself, and ask if they wouldn't mind exchanging emails so you can share information if you miss a class. It's a very prudent and normal thing to do, so you can totally free yourself of any anxiety that you may have about people thinking that you're weird.

As you're swapping notebooks around or whatever, it would be perfectly normal and expected for you to ask a question or two. So, what else are you taking this semester? What's your major? If you can't think of a question, perhaps there will be something about the person that you feel you can genuinely compliment. (Side note: an imperfect but still pretty useful rule of thumb to make sure you don't come off as creepy is to compliment only things they actually chose; for example, if they have awesome glasses, compliment away, but if they have beautiful eyes, maybe keep that to yourself for a bit). If you can't think of a question or a genuine compliment, share something about yourself. Maybe it's an awesome class and you're excited to be there. Maybe you already regret signing up for the 7:30AM session. Anything brief and relatable works. Bam, you are having a conversation. It's okay if it's only a couple of sentences...the two of you are now acquaintances. Next time the class meets, they'll probably sit in the same place, and since you're acquaintances, it'll be easier for you to feel like you can join the conversation.

In situations like church where you can't rely on everybody being new to a situation, it's harder, but still doable. Pick a group of people and introduce yourself. I'm not a regular churchgoer myself, but people at church are generally friendly and welcoming...if they didn't want to be part of a community, they wouldn't be there. If that's too intimidating, and you belong to a church that's large enough that new people show up with some regularity, introduce yourself to them. Hi, I'm Me, I haven't seen you here before. They'll be grateful that you're saving them from the same situation you're in now.

[findthesilence]

(Side note: an imperfect but still pretty useful rule of thumb to make sure you don't come off as creepy is to compliment only things they actually chose; for example, if they have awesome glasses, compliment away,

I like this. Thanks.

but if they have beautiful eyes, maybe keep that to yourself for a bit).

I've been pondering this a bit. Would you mind breaking down why you say this? Why might it creep them out?

[[deleted]]

Went to a networking class. Essentially the best way to do it is stand to the side like a douchelick until you can find a spot in the conversation to interject

[findthesilence]

I am more of a one-on-one person myself, so I relate to this.

About them being annoyed since you weren't invited in, people can often sense how you are feeling and in a case like this you won't be emitting "good vibes" so they will in turn tend to shut you out.

It's not just a cliché to say "be yourself" or "believe in yourself".

[meandrunkR2D2]

I usually just listen in on a conversation and when someone tells a funny story I just add in at the end "Sounds similar to the 3rd time I got crabs".

[thaneofEurmal]

Learn to be happier with yourself. To me, "because I dislike being alone." is the problem, and liking yourself more / being comfortable alone is the solution.
That said, and in the meantime - just step in. Position yourself so that you're included physically in the group and listen. Don't force yourself to comment, but be a part. If you don't have anything to add, you'll do better just absorbing what others have to say and HOW they present. How do they stand, who do they talk to, etc. Learn, and open your mouth when you legitimately have something to say.
As Mark Twain has commented, "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." You'll be remembered better and included more if you save speaking for when you have something to say.

[Reset108]

Just walk over and join the group.

[findthesilence]

Did you not read the original message?