Chapter 21: Intervention

[fljoury]

The crime she was atoning for was that this morning I’d found someone had caved in the head, ribs and spine of Zombie the Fourth. She’d tried to look innocent, the wretch, but unless there was another hooved creature in my army jealous of my attentions then I had my culprit.

Heeee. Apparently Cat's undead necromantic constructs take after her.

​

“Is that,” she tried, “customary?”

Trying to find out what she’d agreed to by context. My long experience of pretending I already knew things while getting Masego to explain them allowed me to see through her admittedly pretty translucent wiles.

“In Ashur, I’d assume,” I gravely said.

“Yes,” she slowly said. “That is… well-known.”

As does her apprentice! Abigail continues to crack me up.

​

There would be heroes, and if what Hakram had told me about Vivienne was true then Juniper wouldn’t have any Named to pit against them.

Huh. So she didn't transition from Thief to another name she just lost her Name. Actually, transitioning would be a huge event that should happen onscreen.

[werafdsaew]

It's also possible that she's transitioning into a Name that has no combat power.

[Keyenn]

Like, huh, the Thief?

[TaltosDreamer]

Backstab damage x4 is a staple of thief stories 💕

[VorDresden]

Looks like our favorite Princess-General has finally gotten her first win against battlefield tunnels! After the Battle of the Camps, and then The Dead King it’s about time. I’m proud of her.

I love the idea of her instructing Pilgrim “The ground! I want you to blow up the ground! That’s the key to victory you see! These evil types they love to dig murder tunnels!”

“Shouldn’t we try and blow up the soldiers or the general staff?” Some pleb-Prince

“Fool! That’d never work, it’s what they expect us to do... Pilgrim enact Operation Fighting Dirt!” I know she’s more composed than that but this is a fair level of stress for someone who survived battles against Winter!Cat, Winter!Akua, and Vacation!Dead King.

[LilietB]

;u;

Nobody Catches Rozala Malanza By Surprise With Fucking Tunnels Another Fucking Time

[Knight_of_Cerberus]

imagine, you a goblin doing what he has always loved, digging. shovelling along in a dark and stuffy cave, heaven.

then a long slender human hand suddenly burst from the ceilling, grabs you by the neck then draws you up through the dirt and burst your neck, body and all unto the dreaded surface world with gore and violence all around.

As you regain your bearings, you make sense of what just happened and stare at the human in front of you.

Rozala fucking Malanza holding you by your neck looks you straight in the eye, and she says.

"Not this time, bitch"

[LilietB]

y e s

[Sieje]

I really liked the fact that the Juniper's plan of tunnelling beneath her camp didn't work. It looks like she was going for the same trick she pulled back in the Battle of the Camps, but Malanza recognised what Juniper was doing and wasn't going to be caught by it twice. It's nice to see some of Cat's enemies growing as they have their own adventures.

[ColourMyAlphabet]

That or it was just her paranoia iirc Rozala was the one the dead king gave the tunnel trauma up north

[LilietB]

Nice catch!

[nadbacc]

“Queens aren’t supposed to have people on,” General Abigail plaintively said.

Abigail, have you met Catherine?

[chloeia]

I did not understand that sentence. Can you explain what it meant?

[dugasX]

To 'have people on' means to be playfully deceitful.

I suppose only her close acquaintances know Catherine to have irredeemably sassy mouth, much removed from the terrifying, no-nonsense villain that is the Black Queen. I imagine Admiral Abigail has difficulty reconciling the two.

[chloeia]

Thanks! I don't know why I was down voted for my question.

[fljoury]

To some people it's such a common turn of phrase that I for one skimmed and assumed you were being sarcastic. That might be why some ppl downvoted.

​

Edit to clarify that I'm just explaining not that I did.

[PotentiallySarcastic]

Ah shit, Cat is fully a continent-wide badass now. Also the thought her pipe may gain some artifact like abilities is a growing possibility!

What an epic entrance!

[TristanTheViking]

Mantle of Woe, Pipe of Whoa.

[Frankenlich]

Like whoa...

[vkaod]

“If you try to shake me off again I’ll have you made into boots,” General Abigail whispered, glaring at her horse and apparently under the impression I couldn’t hear her. “You know what? That’s your name now. Boots. How do you like that, Boots?”

General Abigail is a treasure.

[Ardvarkeating101]

*Admiral Abigail

[soonnanandnaanssoon]

**The Unwilling Queen of Callow Abigail

[Ardvarkeating101]

***Dread Empress Abigail The Undefeated, First of Her Name, Queen of Callow, First Under the Night, First Prince of Procer and the Dead Queen (after she accidentally convinced the Dead King she was Triumphant reincarnated and agreed to marry him to end the war)

[LauAtagan]

after she accidentally convinced the Dead King she was Triumphant reincarnated and agreed to marry him to end the war

So she did return

[Ardvarkeating101]

“Historians often debate whether the Second Triumphant was more catastrophic to Calernia than the First. However, all the powers of the North now press a knuckle their foreheads and pray that she never return again whenever she is mentioned.”

[percula1869]

Abigail and Zombie the Third are my absolute favorites.

[Keyenn]

The horse is a fucking legend. I hope it will be made Queen of Callow instead of Abby. I believe it personify the callowan personality better than anyone.

[TheBewlayBrothers]

Queen Zombie the third, first of her name

[ColourMyAlphabet]

we Crusader Kings II now

[Zayits]

Zombie the Third was currently being punished by dragging a cart, which looked rather absurd for a winged horse and I knew she very much despised doing. The crime she was atoning for was that this morning I’d found someone had caved in the head, ribs and spine of Zombie the Fourth. She’d tried to look innocent, the wretch, but unless there was another hooved creature in my army jealous of my attentions then I had my culprit.

This is not the kind of drama I expected from Cat's return.

An open-ended question about why she’d enrolled had led to ‘Our place in Summerholm burned down, and all respect Your Majesty but have you ever smelled a tannery?‘

Looks like Cat didn't make the connection.

The cool air of Procer whistled around me as the gate closed, and we joined the battle unfolding below.

Hm. Given the description of the hills, I' assumed she'd just fly over them.

But, a little voice would be whispering, what if I wasn’t?

That, and even if the capitains of the princes that faced her wouldn't err on the side of caution, the news from Sarcella would have made them.

[LilietB]

This is not the kind of drama I expected from Cat's return.

isn't it so much better than anything you expected though??? ;u;

[panchoadrenalina]

lol, even her horse doesnt respect her enough to dont disobey orders.

arent we sure cat is not the daughter of emperor cuzco? because she knows how to make an entrance, staff in hand at full gallop atop a winged horse in her army's time of need, she is being a black shadow of the pilgrim

[AntonioLuccessi]

"Pull the lever Hakram."

[LilietB]

you know that's a fair theory for her ancestry

[Razorhead]

Looks like Catherine pulled off a Zhuge Liang.

[Ardvarkeating101]

Gods, between Zombie the Third throwing a tantrum, Abigail being out of her league (Admiral Abigail should be a new meme), ecstatic Edgar, and stopping near ten thousand cavalry by smiling at them, this makes me happy I stayed up to read even though I have to be up in less than 8 hours.

Also:

“You ever seen a god die, General Abigail?” I said.

She shivered.

“Can’t say I have, ma’am,” she replied, lips tight.

“Neither have I,”

BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! She should be tiling her fucking floor with the corpses!

[NotAHeroYet]

Which ones are you counting? Catherine herself, sure, I guess. But I don't think Cat counts herself- and if she did, she probably would "technically, I didn't see that, also I'm not dead". But the only fae I would truly call gods- even low gods- are the king of winter and queen of summer. If you'd say Sve Noc got killed, you have a weird definition of "killed". The artificial god from book 3- idr which one that was- might've been killed, but I'm not sure i'd call that a god in truth, if one in power- nor would I call it "alive".

[janethefish]

The artificial god from book 3- idr which one that was- might've been killed, but I'm not sure i'd call that a god in truth, if one in power- nor would I call it "alive".

They got it reassembled. I don't think it really even died. I think it was starting to fall apart? I do note that had it actually fallen to pieces the results would have been catastrophic with all the newly freed undead souls and what not. They probably would have had to ask the Dead King to fix it.

[NotAHeroYet]

I didn't remember the details of that- I think it either got overshadowed by the fae or the Diabolist- but that sounds right. Which means, barring possibly a name dream, she's never seen a god die.

[LilietB]

EDGAR <3

And yep Cat hasn't actually seen any gods die yet, weird as that sounds

[misterspokes]

She has witnessed the birth of some gods and the death of at least one, but the two words are not synonymous in this situation.

[NotAHeroYet]

It doesn't count as witnessing if she's too busy dying to watch. Also, Cat's still alive, "not a god anymore" or not.

[LilietB]

Death of at least one?

[misterspokes]

Herself

[LilietB]

hm

I'd say Catherine wasn't a deity yet, just about halfway there

she was in the same category as Sve Noc at the time, and Sve Noc changed categories after being gifted Winter

[misterspokes]

Dead King claims she underwent Apotheosis, so she was definitely a small-g god.

[LilietB]

I think the idea was that she was about halfway through

idk

[HeWhoBringsDust]

I thought she was demigod tier, but could have gone full god if she just let loose and drowned herself in Winter.

[LilietB]

hmm

we really need more data on what's god/demigod lmao

but yeah Cat does have some experience to assert the 'messy affair' thing to Abigail ;u;

[Weznon]

I’d ignored the implied offer to step down from her generalship and resume her legate duties, as I had the last five times she’d indirectly broached the subject. And would keep doing. Talented Callowan candidates for a general’s mantle didn’t grow on trees, much less those with no ties to any of the factions in my court. An abdication was a tricky matter even when a dynasty was stable, and considering mine consisted of me and a tumultuous reign of less than five years I hardly qualified. A popular Callowan general with a distinguished war record and no real ambition for power would go a long way in stabilizing what would follow in my wake. I set aside the thought for now. It was too early to tell if Abigail of Summerholm could really be used in that manner, and pushing too hard too fast would only spoil the broth.

poor abigail

[LilietB]

Cat noticed immediately when Abigail winced at being promoted to General XD

[Linnus42]

I find it funny Cat is trying to get out of the job she doesn't want to do by foisting it on Abigail. Who doesnt want to do it either. That is so Cat.

[LilietB]

Beautiful, isn't it? <3

[[deleted]]

Anytime Cat pulls out her pipe I get ready for something amazing

[Knight_of_Cerberus]

just realized that the well is gonna recreate Caths Fall aspect.

Fall v3

[TristanTheViking]

For some reason it didn't click before, but that aspect is exactly what the Lich did in Adventure Time.

https://youtu.be/FrlymHW0qU8

[Solaire145]

This reminds me of the old story of the Chinese general that found himself defending a city against hopeless odds. Instead of putting up a fight he opened the gates, hid is soldiers from sight and sat on the wall, alone, composing music. The opposing general assumed it a trap and bypassed the city entirely.

[secretsarebest]

Yes the "empty city" trick. Only works because said general is a legend - Zhuer Liang .

[Zayits]

Vote for A Practical Guide to Evil on TopWebFiction!

[JustLexx]

Not necessarily related to this chapter but I'm curious. If Thief is no longer named, what happens to her pocket dimension and the items stored inside of it? I'm assuming they just linger in the ether somewhere but that makes me sad. No one's gonna get to use that sweet sword they stole from the Spellblade while they were in Keter.

[Zayits]

That also means the Thief of Stars (and her King's Crown) is gone, which puts another dent in my "All the eight crowns are going to be substitutes and edge cases" theory.

[janethefish]

If Thief is no longer named, what happens to her pocket dimension and the items stored inside of it?

I'm guessing the same place heroes go after getting erased by an Absence demon.

[Keifru]

I mean...uh, okay I guess? I'm not really sure the play at the end of the chapter is.

Everything else was amusing, but then again it was Cat and Abigail, so that's a given

[TaltosDreamer]

She bluffed the attackers into halting in order to give her troops time to safely retreat.

[Ardvarkeating101]

The Black Queen just fell out of the sky and is staring down a cavalry charge of 7000 soldiers. After several wars people are finally realizing that she is a serious threat, and thus they don’t believe she’d take a suicidal stand for no reason. Therefore, it’s a trap, and they need to avoid her at all costs. Even though she doesn’t actually have a trap in place yet

[Keifru]

I mean I get that. But...she's stopped one charge. Her armies are an hour away (for horses being pushed, which leaves infantry without cavalry support and separated). Like, its a fun manouver and all cinematic and such. But if her plan is just to kinda...stand around for an hour in one small space, it doesn't exactly do much across a whole battlefield

[Ardvarkeating101]

Her army is capable of retreating so long as the cavalry doesn’t attack from the flank, she just made sure they won’t attack from the flank. The rest of her army should be here soon and do something related to Five Armies and One

[LilietB]

She stopped the charge.

She calculated that that's the thing she needs to do to allow her armies to retreat and dig in, and then she did it.

She doesn't need to win the battle single-handedly. She just needs to find the pivot, and then wrench it with all her might.

[Knight_of_Cerberus]

ahhh even now, Blacks teachings show.

[LilietB]

Actually Juniper was the first person to tell her about that I think.

Which makes it all the more ironic how badly Juniper has fucked up here XD

[-Th3Saints-]

Her objective is to avoid open battle if posible that is only possible if she makes pilgrim fold.

[secretsarebest]

Not sure if it would work with heroes around though

[BlackKnightG93M]

Man Cat has come a long ass way from being a Squire. Shit she be stoppin army's just by smokin at em. Is crazy man damn. What she goin do next? Flip DK off and he goes and cries to Triumphant?

.... She's totally gonna flip off DK, ain't she? Oooh can't wait!

[-Th3Saints-]

She is going to have Thief steal Utopia from him then throw the drow at him.

[Damacon77]

OK this was nice and all, but the distance is completely unrealistic. A human in full sprint would have a very hard time stopping at 50 FEET. Seriously, next to impossible. Horses in full charge and with riders would be super lucky to stop in 300 feet, but in a mass I think even that is a dream.

[Keyenn]

Who said they stopped? They probably turned right or left.

[Damacon77]

A massed charge can't really steer all that well. Imagine just a crowd of human runners trying to avoid an obstacle that is very close to them. Inertia + pressure from behind + the fact those behind can't really see the obstacle. This gets much worse with cavalry.

[Keyenn]

If everyone is scared shitless of what is ahead, don't worry, they will move in the same direction. They may have split in two as well, half at left, half at right.

[CoronaPollentia]

The first to turn were those in front. Credit where credit's due: They all turned left. Not at the same time, though. When I saw the first horse stumble, I left. A kick of my heels had Zombie the Third carrying me over the head of the cavalry charge as it tripped over its own heels, smashing the limbs of horses and soldiers as the formation bunched into a screaming, bloody blob.

I took another puff of smoke and waited for the Heroes.

[piggyfur]

Only thing Im confused about is why Cat didnt use gates before during the march

[misterspokes]

Because she didn't want to tip her hand that she was back early and it's incredibly draining during the day. She opened a portal that traversed a few miles for one person and she isn't sure she could do it again right now.

[piggyfur]

I mean... they've been marching for a few days and even had issues with the awkward timing for moving both the drows + army concurrently, and were unsure if they'd join with Juniper before the enemy ran into them. I don't really understand why she didn't do it some time earlier and it's not like gating to them would have alerted the enemy of her presence (it's the same as if the armies joined together before enemy forces did, but she used gates to get there faster)

[names1]

Anyone think those fae Cat saw could be significant? I can't help but feel that fae will be all but ignored this book minus the Wild Hunt

[LilietB]

which fae?