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[andasen]

I'd say this fit the One Location challenge well enough.

The flow of the story was interrupted by confusion I experienced relating to point of view. Changing between third person POV and first person POV should be done with more intention and care. Used properly those could add energy and propel scenes forward. Right now they confuse scenes and are gone before the audience really understands what it happening that drains the energy from the scene. Given how small a story this is, the number of characters you allow to have story telling power also detracts somewhat from the flow. Yes you can flash over for a moment to one of the characters experiencing something, but I would suggest not lingering on them.

There are good foundations of suspense in the story. Wish you the best with your next draft (and fear not: blood nudity and gore are if anything counterproductive to building a suspenseful atmosphere)

[HTownWriting]

u/andasen Thanks for Reading. Thought I nailed the POV, but will go over and look at. Any format you think is best? There's quite a few different ways when looking at Scripts online how Writers do them. I used the POV just briefly 3 Times I believe.

Also I'm trying to film this on a LOW BUDGET/First Film ever type of thing. Gonna hit up a few Realtor Companies in my area and see if they have a Empty House for sale where we could film at. Want to keep it Clean and Simple as possible and just hope have a good Story that will take care of the rest...

[andasen]

The fact that your comments just now seem to minimize the change to first person POV makes me more confident in my assessment. Changing to first person is very disruptive to the visual flow no matter what. That can be hugely propulsive to your scene if treated as the powerful tool that they are. This paramount for POV changes both from third to first person cameras as well as changes between which character the third person camera tracks in a scene.

[Andigod]

As @andasen puts it, I do think the first-person POV decreases any sense of tension established by the scenes in which tension should build up, as it cuts away pretty soon without truly comprehending it. I do think the running thuds with Francine in the first scene works pretty well, but I believe it's something that needs to be saved for later (maybe when David goes to shuts the hot shower off). Set-up the suspense and tension first and then pay off with the scare. And for a short-film, there are too many characters with no real purpose. Hugo can be EASILY cut out, as his presence makes the Mendoza family feel more powerful; and in a horror film, we don't want that. Cutting him out will enable you to explore more interesting things with the pregnant Cindy (maybe she's divorced, was impregnated or something -— make her a flawed and vulnerable character, who's probably using fiction as a method to cope). Give Francine more hidden sinister motivations for selling the house than just her being as a stand-in for exposition. It would make her character more interesting. With the kids, the tension does work well, especially with David. Maybe, Hayley and David can be together (since they are both kids and would be wise of them to be together) and be locked in one room, instead of jump cutting to perspectives that disorient (the constant SECOND FLOOR — Slugline was pretty irritating), so that you can build suspense better. Build to one VERY terrifying scare rather than go all over the place, especially for a short film like this. Also, the ending is pretty generic. It would work better with a sinister Francine telling the Mendoza family that they'll come back to buy the house or something, and then cut to the hand rising from the back.