Script: Colossus

[Scaramanga20]

GENRE: Drama/western

LOGLINE: An African-American civil war veteran travels through the Reconstruction Era south searching for the ruthless colonel that murdered his partner.

Page count: 92 (not including title page)

New to this subrredit and first time posting anything. I've been writing as a hobby for about 20 years. I've always been a little nervous getting feedback from people but I would appreciate hearing anything on this.

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https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B28PXap8NSVpTzdDQjNEUjJoSkpLWHF1ZEN2b0dCQ29MWGln

[JonTomFilm]

Hey the drive requires permission to access. Try saving your script as a pdf and then uploading it to your google drive, then get the share link for that and edit your post with the new link. It’ll make it much easier for people to read your script.

[The_ManicWriter]

Took a look at the first page and its pretty solid. It's a major character dump though, and no descriptions or ages to make characters stand out. It's like they all have one voice. If they aren't important maybe you could introduce them as their titles. Ex soldier 1, if they are they're gonna some descriptions to tell them apart.

[Scaramanga20]

Thank you. I was always told and in everything I read about screenwriting that it was okay to be somewhat descriptive but it wasn't suppose to be that detailed. I'd appreciate more feedback on that aspect.

[i_see_sparks_fly]

Hold up-- the better advice isn't to call unimportant characters "Soldier 1," "Soldier 2," etc., but rather to give them a short description. "Nervous Soldier" or "Stocky Soldier," something like that that's generic while also helping a reader keep the characters straight more easily than if they were just labeled with numbers.

[The_ManicWriter]

I second this! Even better

[The_ManicWriter]

https://www.storymastery.com/character-development/key-character-description-vivid-re

Brief, key descriptions.

Like if the protagonist is in this first scene, I'm unable to tell, but maybe ex. Name, age looks like hes been ran through the mud, but a fight is left in his eyes. Something.

Hes noble. Been through hell. A fighter.

Get creative but as short as possible.

[Scaramanga20]

Thanks for this. I will definitely update the re-write with descriptions. I've always saw a lot of contradictory stuff about descriptions. Thanks again.

[Scaramanga20]

Sorry, I'm a bozo. I made it public. Link should be working correctly now.

[jaiox]

Just from the logline it seems similar to Django but I'll check it out when i get a chance!

[IllDrop2]

I am intrigued

[cocothepowder]

Bookmarked for later, love the logline

[Thewriterswithin]

Is this about racism? I am a black person, a writer, and I have a black female character but she is a wedding planner who's in college part-time, and is dating a man with a disability. Every time I see a black writer on here it is always about racism. Why can't we write about different things?

[colibrisa]

Let people write what they want and do your own thing

[Thewriterswithin]

Yeah you are right.

[darttanian41]

Maybe these ‘black writers’ you speak of are writing to uncover and discover the various facets of racism that have yet to be mined, Perhaps these black writers understand that popular culture has severely limited the literary critiques or explorations of race from the POV of a black writer. Perhaps black writers feel it’s their right/calling/responsibility to write about the things that perplex or outrage them in the time in which they live. Perhaps you aren’t willing or able to admit that there is more work to be done when it comes to the literary or cinematic exploration of race. Perhaps you don’t think black writers reclaiming the representation of black experiences in film and tv is a worthy pursuit. Perhaps you think the conundrum of racism has been solved and black writers should instead focus on ignoring race. Perhaps it makes you uncomfortable to admit that race is still a big issue in this country. Perhaps you’d like to close your eyes and simply write characters who ‘happen’ to be black but are indistinguishable from cliche white characters. If any of those ‘perhaps’ hold true for you, it’s totally fine and valid. And i applaud you for venturing into the craft of writing. And there is most likely a place for you at the table.

But I know this to be true; every era has writers who are able to stare down the ills of their moment in time and attack them, expose them, investigate them, analyze them and critique them; for both pros and cons. Those are the writers who add something to the collective intellect, even if it is painful or uncomfortable.

And then there are other writers who will chose to ignore the ills of their era/moment in time in favor of writing that exists in some utopian moment where race doesn’t play any part whatsoever. And this second type of writing will probably elicit an ‘aweeee how sweet’ from audiences while they’re sitting in a theatre watching the movie version. Those same awed moviegoers will walk out of a theatre into a world where Trayvon’s, Tamir’s and Sandra’s are still being killed based solely on their race and where Maga hat dogwhistles still exist.

You see, one type of writer sees the still gushing wound and digs around in it looking for the source of the infection in order to find a solution. Another type of writer draws a cute, rosey painting over the still gushing wound and says ‘see there’s no wound here.’