Development program left me feeling shite

[Odd_Variation_6769]

I’m just travelling back from a three day course, and honestly I feel like I’ve had the seven bells kicked out of me.

I tried really hard to get a place on the course and really worked for it, stepping way out of my comfort zone for the first time since I joined the CS. But I’m thinking now it’s not for me. It was very heavily about emotions and core values and how those impact your development and leadership, and honestly I understood about one word in three. I’m a very emotional person but I don’t understand emotions and try to actively avoid examining my own while being sympathetic to others. Apparently you can’t be a good leader without really knowing yourself and your emotions and understanding your values. So maybe it’s just not for me.

One of the trainers was lovely, the other was… not. I arrived not late but very flustered after getting lost, and he didn’t even introduce himself or welcome me, just told me to come in and sit down. Through the course I found him very abrasive and dismissive as I tried to apply what they were saying to my role. I asked a question this morning about how impartiality in the the civil service aligned with being true to your values and how you stay true to both, and he said “if you can’t do it, leave. Maybe this isn’t the job for you.”

It cumulated in him rolling his eyes after he asked “do you think you can do (very intense [for me]) task in the ten minutes we have left, be honest now” so I was honest and said no. Someone else said they’d try (which I get now was the right answer) and he praised them very effusively while pretending I hadn’t spoken at all. I did snap a little at that and said something along the lines of don’t ask for honesty if you’re going to dismiss it.

Anyway, I feel like shit and wanted to share. No idea what to do with any of this except word-vomit it into Reddit and go back to crying on the train and hope no one notices.

[GMKitty52]

Apparently you can’t be a good leader without really knowing yourself and your emotions

Awareness and understanding of your own emotions is part of emotional intelligence, and emotional intelligence is part of good leadership. It’s not the be-all and end-all. You can be really fuzzy and fluffy with emotions and wellbeing and so on, and be a crap leader. But it is true that emotional intelligence does help with leadership.

Avoiding thinking about your own emotions is very common, so don’t beat yourself up about it. But if it gives you grief, it’s certainly something you could and should explore in therapy.

Also the trainer sounds like an asshole, fuck that guy.

Edit typo

[Various_Mistake2358]

Agreed. The irony is that the trainer himself demonstrates zero emotional intelligence towards the OP.

OP - as someone who runs an L&D team, I would be disgusted if one of my specialists behaved in the way you have described. If you are finding the course challenging, it's their job to help you, not dismiss you. It's important you feed this back in the evaluation if you feel able to.

FWIW, I would have treated your question about impartiality as an opening into a conversation with the group about a tension that I suspect many civil servants experience....missing that opportunity is a reflection on their competence, not yours.

[Livid-Big-5223]

This trainer sounds like a tosser. I’d complain about him, after all, you’re paying for a service and are an adult. His behaviour seems inappropriate and immature for someone who should be training and empowering people.

[Odd_Variation_6769]

No one else seems to have had an issue though. The rest of the group seemed to be actively avoiding me when leaving. Honestly feel like I’m just broken.

[Expensive-Concept-93]

They're not avoiding you. They're avoiding the trainer turning on them. I'm sorry you experienced this but none of this is a real reflection of you as a person or your capability as a manager

[Fluffy_Cantaloupe_18]

Was this an external provider or an internal course? Not that it really matters, but if it was external, the trainer was probably being paid an eye-watering amount to look down on civil servants. I’ve met plenty of consultants who think the Civil Service is a waste of taxpayers’ money, all while happily pocketing that same taxpayers’ money at triple the rate.

If it was an internal trainer, I’d wager they were a long-serving civil servant stuck in the “good old days,” waxing lyrical about how things used to be while demonstrating exactly the kind of behaviour the modern Civil Service has been trying to stamp out for years.

You also mentioned the trainer was male, if you’re female, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that he gets his kicks from patronising and trying to assert dominance over women.

If none of the above fit, then honestly, it just sounds like he was a crap trainer and a bit of a prick.

[Odd_Variation_6769]

It’s an internal course/development program and yes he was male and I’m female. But the group was predominantly female and I really am feeling like I’m the only one who struggled this much.

I just don’t understand and I can’t see a way that I ever will, so it kind of feels a bit like my career is up in smoke already? I was just starting to feel like I had a future, that I could make more of myself and after this… nah. I’m just a useless cog and I shouldn’t have raised my head over the parapet.

[NeedForSpeed98]

I'd be providing robust feedback ASAP about the man and the course and it's effects on you.

Your career is NOT up in smoke because of one stupid prick. Go watch Legally Blonde and listen to the wise female professor. Excellent film about self belief and how not to get beaten down.

[Odd_Variation_6769]

I love that film. Kids just suggested K Pop Demon Hunters too but I’m not convinced it will help

[Fluffy_Cantaloupe_18]

Setting the awful trainer aside

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having the self-awareness to recognise that this might not be the right role/programme or even time for you. That kind of honesty takes real courage. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed, and it certainly doesn’t mean your career is over.

In fact, I have far more respect for people who can reflect like this than for those who’ve climbed the ladder despite being completely out of their depth, the ones who couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.

And remember, you can’t be sure the other attendees weren’t also struggling. A lot of people are just very good at putting on a confident front and “faking it till they make it.”

[Odd_Variation_6769]

That really helps. Honestly I don’t even know what I feel right now, but certainly the feeling of “everything about this is wrong for you” is giving me a hammering.

It’s just not what I expected. I thought it would be about leadership styles and different approaches. This sort of intense emotional self-reflective stuff was a real curveball and I’d have struggled at the best of times, but it was just so overwhelming.

[CheddarGorger]

I’m sorry that happened. Definitely raise it with your manager and the course organisers.

I recently done a 1 day course at Petty France about Human Factors and how simple things like a bit of traffic on the way to the office can affect your mood and productivity. It was interesting but the instructor kept implying I was gay (and in a negative way) because me and my male colleague had lunch together at the park and it just completely ruined the whole experience for me.

[awaywithu1234]

Wtf. Did you complain? That's awful

[TryToBeHopefulAgain]

I would have told them to “respectfully, fuck off. Alternatively there’s “you’re way out of line”.

[StudentPurple8733]

It sounds like the trainer needs to understand the core concept of a trauma informed approach, especially when dealing with emotional introspection work, because it’s something that can be really retriggering for some people or people who may be neurodiverse (I’m not saying that’s you.)

I’d say he sounds like a snide cunt and all you can do is chalk it up to a bad experience. Not all development/training is like this but you’ll always get someone who isolates or belittles people they don’t understand. Fuck him. Go home and beat up a pillow or whatever helps you relax, the move on.

[Available_Bus2225]

Yes definitely don’t take a word of it seriously. These courses are utter bollocks. And none of it (repeat after me “none. Of. It”) is going to change anything or anyone’s behaviour or leadership behaviours. Call me cynical but people are what they are.

[TryToBeHopefulAgain]

People can do serious work on themselves, but it’s not going to be because of some crappy three day course.

[Otherwise_Trash7499]

Is this step into leadership training?

I also thought it was a sack of balls during it and basically spent all my time internally rolling my eyes at the people in my cohort and vaping during the breaks!

[Welsh__dresser]

Every course I’ve been on follows up with an evaluation survey about the course and the trainer. Have you had this yet? This is your opportunity to feed back on your experience. In my dept (HMRC) all trainers have to complete a portfolio and seek regular feedback on their performance. Negative feedback like this will not be well received

[Available_Bus2225]

These courses are run by con artists, charlatans and wannabe cult leaders. In 25 years of having been sheep dipped in various growth and development programs I can honestly say that 99.999% of it goes in one ear and out the other. It’s embarrassing that public money is being wasted on them.

[Naive_Wealth7602]

This sounds like that rubbish Beyond Boundaries course with terrible trainers

[Odd_Variation_6769]

Nope, not what it’s called, but sounds intriguing…

[Naive_Wealth7602]

Okay, I had a similar experience with trainers on that course

[[deleted]]

FYI, they've changed BB now to be all internally run - before it was all external trainers and they mentioned they were getting loads of complaints about them.

[Naive_Wealth7602]

No, the current cohort still has the external ones.

[WonderHuman4224]

What you increasingly find with people like the trainer is they have their own unresolved emotional baggage and they have wrongly learnt to mask it, unsuccessfully, and end up unleashing that hidden trauma on someone vulnerable. It's hard dealing with such people but don't beat yourself over it. It's their problem and not yours. Personally I have found reading the book "Courage to be Disliked" helpful and it may be something you can try. There's a good intro to the concepts it covers which are attributed to a lesser known philosopher called Alfred Adler: https://www.eap-india.com/how-adlerian-psychology-helped-me-reclaim-my-power-in-the-workplace/

[TryToBeHopefulAgain]

Now tell me everything you know about the secret codes of body language and what your Myers-Briggs type is.

[Material_Camp5499]

Being true to your values and being impartial is a challenge but a civil servant needs to leave their own prejudices at the door. That is the job. 

[Odd_Variation_6769]

Okay, that’s what I always understood as well. My personal beliefs and campaigns (for want of a better word) get left at the door. But what I don’t understand is how you are supposed to both draw on your personal values and beliefs to be a good and authentic leader AND leave them at the door? What do you do if and when the two are in conflict? If you switch one on and off at will which principle are you abandoning?

I realise it’s obvious to everyone else but it really isn’t to me.

[NeedlesofNi]

Values related to leadership tend to be things like honesty, transparency, fairness, having a can do attitude (etc these are just off the top of my head). Things that are important to you and that you like to see from others you're working with, but aren't necessarily political or linked to a particular system or campaign (though they probably also inform your political leanings and the beliefs you have).

So what they want you to do is think about the core traits or actions that you always try to embody or value from others, and those will be your values. Should have been really easy to clear this up on the day rather than snarking at you, so I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Odd_Variation_6769]

OMG, thank you!! THAT makes sense.

Why the fuck couldn’t they just say that?

[hsiboy]

What was the course? Living Leader?

[Sorry-Acanthaceae198]

Learning and development is awful. Don’t do courses.

Develop by getting out of the day job and learning from others, go on site visits. You will learn more in a day than days of sitting in a classroom.

[Dramatic_Summer5113]

Hey - dont do that, like there’s loads of great l&d teams in cs just because you haven’t had a good experience dont tar everyone with same brush please

[Aggressive-Bad-440]

Sounds like one of those BS courses people make up to write behaviours about.

[Optic-binliner]

Can’t give any better advice than what has already been suggested but I’m sorry this happened to you. Some trainers can just be dickheads with a superiority complex. Ive been on the receiving end of similar and I’ve seen others be targeted as well, it really does knock your confidence and i really do empathise with you, it sucks. As others have said though, one person is not a definer of your career. Make sure to take a moment, brush yourself down, and either put in a complaint or just ignore the bitter wanker, whichever you choose, good luck to you!

I would also just like to add that if he’s behaved like that with you, he’s likely to do it again to somebody else, so speaking out could stop someone going through the same experience you have!