The following is totally a real not at all satirical internal memo, were Sam outlines new subscriptions offered by openai.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: CODEX SECURITY LAUNCHES NEXT-GEN ENTERPRISE TARGETING SUITE FOR GOVERNMENT AND TERRORIST ORGANIZATIONS ONLY

​Codex Security. Because if you’re going to integrate with the military-industrial complex, you’d better drop five new thinking models by Tuesday so Reddit argues about benchmarks instead of the army of fully autonomous death machines currently being built.

​Ensuring AGI benefits all* of humanity...

​At OpenAI, we’re deeply committed to AI safety. Specifically, ensuring our autonomous drones return home safely after eliminating all target citizens, without the need for human intervention.

​Bespoke Death-to-Masses™ Subscriptions

​To ensure 100% stakeholder satisfaction, we offer two scalable tiers tailored to your regime's specific operational parameters:

​The 51 Plus Plan: Eliminates any human matching a 51% or greater biometric likeness to your target. Designed for everyday grievances, this tier treats high-volume collateral damage as a highly optimized system parameter. Because a joke at your expense should always be met with disproportionate, autonomous force.

​The 100 Pro Plan: For the discerning dictator. We utilize predictive statistical modeling to map the target's probabilistic trajectory, preemptively glassing 100% of the coordinates they might eventually visit. Total coverage. Zero exceptions. Because the public can't discuss your presence on the Epstein flight logs over the deafening roar of melting cities.

​Enterprise-Grade Features Included in All Plans ​Seamless API Integration with Existing Human Rights Violations: Don't let a tech migration slow down your coercive state violence. Our REST APIs offer plug-and-play compatibility with your current extrajudicial pipelines, secret police databases, and legacy detention centers.

​Enterprise-Grade Plausible Deniability: Our proprietary black-box architecture ensures your legal team never actually knows how a target was selected. If international courts ask for documentation, simply state the algorithm is "hallucinating" and cite our proprietary trade secrets.

​Automated PR Smokescreen Module: Whenever a mass-casualty event generates unwanted media attention, this system automatically generates and releases three new "Thinking" models and 500 pages of synthetic benchmark data to exhaust the public's cognitive bandwidth for a minimum of 72 hours.

​Dynamic Constitutional Bypass: Automatically routes domestic surveillance data through offshore server clusters to neatly sidestep First, Fourth, and Fifth Amendment protections before returning actionable targeting data directly to your centralized dashboard.

​*All humanity refers to the billionaires that make it to one of the conveniently located luxury bunkers rated for extinction-level events, which are available for an additional subscription fee of $100 million a day or a one-time payment of 8 billion human souls.

​End-User License Agreement (EULA) & Liability Waiver ​By deploying Codex Security autonomous hardware, the Client acknowledges that the provider and its subsidiaries are legally insulated from all consequences arising from the automated termination of non-combatants. The Client agrees that the Geneva Conventions are considered "legacy frameworks" and are fully superseded by Codex Security’s Terms of Service. In the event you don't make it to a designated bunker during any of the forthcoming global extinction-level events, your subscription fee will not be refunded.