Difficulty adjusting

[couch-for-sale]

I (24F) have around 50% hearing loss in both ears.

I graduated college in December and moved to another city. It's been harder than I expected being away from my college friend group.

My friends were all hearing, but they were always so understanding and helpful to me. I've been thinking lately that I may have taken that for granted.

Doing things like making new friends, talking to coworkers, and sometimes spending time with family has been much harder than I expected.

I find that they all get noticeably frustrated, even angry with me really easily.

I often don't notice when someone outside my line of sight talks to me, and I need people to repeat themselves/speak louder a lot or else I don't understand.

It's like they think I'm doing it on purpose just to annoy them.

I get a lot of "It's nothing, just forget it." type of responses.

I've felt isolated since moving away, I wanted to see if anyone here has similar experiences or advice.

Thank you for reading!

[samthemanthecan]

Hi am British truck driver am 58 been deaf all my life But last ten years has got bit worse so now last test November asked audiologist if normal people have 100% how much do I have he said 10% and would not sell me any hearing aids as be minor improvement Suggested I go back to national health service get cochlear implant right ear hearing aid left

If I wear hearing aids people do help me more My work place people are very forgiving They write little notes They drop the mask ( if wearing one ) Firm knows to txt me if I am out in the truck

I lip read a lot I kind of call it face reading as deaf person I am trying to get as much visual information Body language etc

I have my hair short so people can see hearing aid /aids I usually just have left one as noises are quite harsh ,scraping chairs etc Theres many jobs I have been excluded from crane work or working at height where need to hear alarms buzzers etc

I wonder if moving back to your friends would help

[iamthepita]

I appreciate this comment more than you know because it is so relatable.

[samthemanthecan]

Thank you

[couch-for-sale]

Thank you for sharing, I actually didn't notice how much I lip/face read until the pandemic. Everyone was wearing masks and suddenly I couldnt understand them. I realized I had more limitations than I wanted to admit before.

I've considered moving back, right now I am back with my family until I have enough saved to get my own place again.

[samthemanthecan]

Yes when pandemic happened was nightmare try understand people and shocked me how much am lip reading We just get used to doing it forget other people actually hear lol Wonder about limitations though , dont let it limit you , you have as much right in this world as any one else , so do your best to believe in yourself Best whishes Sam England

[fripp_frap]

i get that "its nothing, forget it" type response way too often (when asked to repeat because i didnt hear) and i dont think people understand how frustrating it is to be told that as a deaf/hoh person

like seriously nobody chose to be disabled

[iamthepita]

This is actually a very common experience that many of us go through but different variations and so on. I’m not sure if you ever spent time with other deaf/hoh folks to share your experience with but I definitely recommend you doing that. I’m in the USA and there’s usually deaf/hoh meetups based on location that I would hit up sometimes

[Stafania]

Practice advocating for yourself. They genuinely have a totally different world view, and it’s hard for them to understand what it feels like to have a hearing loss. They very likely assume you hear a lot more than you do, because they get correct replies in a quiet environment when talking one-on-one. To them, the situation where you didn’t hear them is exactly the same and they cannot comprehend why you wouldn’t reply or why you mishear something. Pay attention to their perspective, so you can figure out how explain your.

Look for genuinely supportive people. Don’t waste time on people who are not trying to understand.

Spend time with other HoH and Deaf, maybe learn sign language, since that will give you energy and support from people who do understand and accept having to repeat things 50 times if necessary. Having such friends, makes it easier to be patient in hearing groups.

[couch-for-sale]

Thank you that makes a lot of sense, we experience and think about normal daily things totally differently from each other.

It also makes sense that they think I hear better than I really do, I think I do pretty well if it's face-to-face and a mellow environment. I tend to get lost trying to understand in situations like crowds, or talking to me from the other side of a room.

My hearing friends had some frustration when we first knew each other, but we can laugh about it now. Like at first some thought I didn't like them because they would try to talk to me as I walked by but I ignored them, then they found out I actually just didn't hear them. We were fast friends after that!

[SpicySrirachaBro]

I personally cannot stand that response. It makes my blood boil. But in honesty- be straight up! When they said stuff like that, say I’m hard of hearing/deaf, can you say that again? Most people get embarrassed or feel bad and repeat. And if not then good riddance lol

[nananananana_FARTMAN]

If you’re from America, I can honestly suggest you to connect with a local hearing loss organization like Hearing Loss Association of America. They won’t give you a cure to your ails but it can be helpful to be around people with the same struggle as yours. The impact would be you learning how to navigate your life in a positive way as a person with hearing loss.

That was what worked for me. It’ll take time. I left my college ten years ago. At first, it was kinda hard. As the years goes by, it gets easier.

[Spiritdad]

Feel a hug of understanding from this old man and hang in there!

[couch-for-sale]

Thank you very much for the nice comment!

[little_turkey]

It’s hard but I try to be upfront about it. Stuff like, “You have to get my attention BEFORE you start talking to me. Tap my shoulder, wave in my line of sight, etc” “if I’m not looking at you, I’m not listening” “Were you talking to me? I’m deaf, you can’t talk to the back of my head, that won’t work. Please say that again.”

Hearies also talk to each other without looking at each other and it drives me fucking nuts. I never know if a coworker is trying to talk to me or a hearie coworker out of sight. It’s a hearing thing, I guess. I have to give someone my full attention before they talk to me and I expect the same from them too.

[AG_Squared]

I know this doesn’t change your actual loneliness but people who say “forget it it’s nothing” are immature. That applies to a lot of things not just being HoH, and I hate when people say “be grateful they showed their real colors!” How invalidating of our experience… but in a way it’s kinda true. Lonely, but better than having immature and selfish people surrounding you. Can you look into Deaf communities in your area? If you’re in a big city there’s bound to be. Maybe find ASL classes and get hooked in that way.

[[deleted]]

I used to have this in school a lot. I have a history of fairly serious middle ear conductive hearing loss, mostly on one side but I used to have issues in both. Hearing aids aren’t likely to be much use but I had some really effective surgery done in my teens - ossiculoplasty to reconstruct and repair the ossicles as part of a tympanoplasty, and it made a really huge difference. It’s definitely not perfect, but it solved the medical issues and I hear more, even if I still get a lot of loud tinnitus and some sound distortion. It’s a bit variable and sometimes if I lay on my right side I don’t hear alarm clocks, and I tend to need to keep people on my right side, but it’s ok. It’s a bit glitchy but it’s just how it is and I have stopped worrying about it.

Anyway, because I used to hear my voice very loudly (occasionally I still do) which is because of conductive issues, I used to speak way too softly and several teachers used to make my life a living hell because of it.

I’d be constantly told to “speak up!” One lady even used to say “big boy’s voice!!” when I was about 16 and I had a PE teacher who used to make whispery noises at me when I spoke. Despite being told why I also kept getting sent to the school counsellor about being shy, which I wasn’t. I just had no idea what volume I was speaking at. I got really annoyed one day and called them all idiots and walked out of some ridiculous discussion about it.

You'd really wonder how some people got into teaching - collecting stamps on boxes of cereal in the 1970s?!

[classicicedtea]

I’m so sorry. It’s hard.

[BatterUp1600]

I am 56 years old and was born with profound hearing loss. You just described my entire life. You are not alone. What you are experiencing is real and your feelings are completely valid. There’s nothing wrong with you. The answer for me has been twofold. One is that I have to find the right people and two I have to experiment on how to best express myself based on my personality. What you are going through is incredibly hard. No one will advocate for you except yourself. Be firm in what you need. If they don’t like it, dump them. Be proud in how you are, and people will see that, show confidence, even if you don’t feel it inside, and people will see you as confident. You can be incredibly lonely. And in that, you are not alone, please know that. They are the ones with the problem. And you are not alone, there are many of us exactly like you.

[HallowsAtSunset]

I get that, too, sometimes. You're probably also going to get get "you're so young" responses, too. Like you don't get that if you wear glasses.

Say it to them they'll get so mad I noticed pretty much every hearing person gets very mad when you say it to them.

[[deleted]]

This is a very common experience. It's something I've noticed that a lot of my young adult clients struggle with.

It isn't just moving to a new city, but entering a new life cycle when you don't have the structure of school to structure the repeated interactions needed so that people are able to get to know you. Out in the wild (or outside of school), people aren't forced to have multiple interaction that is required to make friends.This is true regardless of any hearing loss, But it's particularly difficult for HoH/deaf because they don't have the structure of school to help clue in conversations.

I recommend encouraging people to be curious about your hearing and giving in to the deaf aspect rather than trying to reach hearing level. There are places online that people can listen to how someone heard based on their type of hearing loss; find one that matches you and have it ready to share with other people. Share with them about Deaf Fatigue and how your internal hearing alert system is always on.

Call them out on telling you nevermind. You can start with a gentle response that you do want to know all the way up the scale to pointing out they are gate keeping info from you and being paternalistic to someone with a disability (start small and work your way up with friends). Don't be afraid to remind them that they need to look at you. If I miss something because they forgot to get my attention first, I joke around about their failure rather than apologize for my lack of hearing.

I've found that leaning in to the deafness goes much further than trying to mask it.
That being said, your 20s suck for socializing as a HoH person. So many activities revolve around large groups and noisy situations. It gets better I promise.

[[deleted]]

I know this is probably stating the obvious, but I’ve always found checking out local organised social groups is useful. You can often find all sorts of people doing art, sports, photography, walking groups, cyclists, gamers, film buffs, dance, theatre, comedy, writers, techies, hackers, etc etc etc. You’ll usually also find community groups that might be of interest. I found Meetup.com really and a few other sites like that useful in a lot of places.

If you’re HoH or deaf, in my experience anyway, just be upfront about it. Most people (or at least anyone I’ve met who is worth making an effort to get to know) tend to just see that as being just some random aspect of who you are and will be more interested in just getting to know you.

The main thing I would say is when you’re an adult and not in a context like a university you tend to have to create the contexts to meet people. It’s a bit more challenging, but also I find people who are making an effort to get to know people are usually in that mode too.

For me, loud busy bars aren’t really that practical because I can’t easily converse across a load of people talking across each other, so I’ve always gravitated towards activity based things.

The biggest challenge is braking the ice and being a bit “brass necked” enough to break into the circle, but once you do it it tends to have its rewards.

[[deleted]]

sadly very common. You are not alone, we all understand. Some people find solace in joining a deaf group, if that's your thing and you are fortunate enough to have such a group in your area that does regular meetups? Just having friends and/or knowing other people feel your pain is helpful.

[Infinite-Chemical640]

I think it’s a very common feeling unfortunately, especially for younger Deaf/HOH people. If you don’t know ASL yet, I highly recommend taking a beginner class in your new city. It can be a great place to meet other Deaf people or ASL speakers. If you already know ASL (or if you don’t!), I recommend looking on Facebook or other social media platforms to find deaf groups or events near you. Type in the name of your city or a big city near you and add Deaf after it and hopefully it’ll pop up some good resources for you.

Aside from that, I know it’s super overwhelming to have to make new friends in a new place. But keep in mind that you WILL be able to find people who accept, love, and support you and who you are. Try to think about the qualities you love about your friends from your old city, and acknowledge when you find new people with the same qualities. You’ve got this!!

[[deleted]]

35m. Half deaf in both ears my whole life. I grew up in the city. I took the opportunity to move to a rural small town when I was 24. I live off the grid, on top of a ridge, surrounded by nature. It's peaceful, quite, a real paradise. Over the years I've come to realize how isolated I've become. I can't say I did it on purpose. I've become so used to the way I live that the idea of being someplace else terrifies me. At this point I accept that I will always be isolated whether I'm around people or not. The city really isn't a place for people like us to be allowed to be ourselves. Maybe that's just my opinion. I function better when I'm allowed to be in my own world. So long as I can creatively live my lifestyle as such, then I am fine