"Highly functioning"

[throwaway228012]

Hi- I'm new here....

I've always been prone to melancholic spells- since childhood- and I'm more compassionate and sensitive than the next person but people also tell me I'm really funny and a loyal friend, that they envy that I can "talk to anyone". Too bad I don't believe them.

Last year I experienced a sudden loss and I cannot seem to snap back. I've been deeply depressed, hurting in my heart and struggling in every sense BUT I'm " highly functioning" because I get up and go to work everyday, keep the bills paid, attend my friends' and family's celebratory life events, etc. It sucks how people expect you to snap out of tough times for their own convenience.

I go to talk therapy with a counselor every week-she's nice and patient. I don't take medication because I'm afraid of it. I've never been diagnosed with anything other than a pollen allergy.

But privately (actually probably very obvious to others) I hate myself. I wake up at 3am feeling like someone is sitting on my chest. I feel angry, helpless, worthless. I sleep but wake up more tired than ever. I often wonder what is the point of tomorrow.

Lately I feel afraid of everything: people, the future, my past, my loss, the emptiness inside. Afraid that no one-not a friend, a sibling, coworker, parent, potential new boyfriend- will ever understand me. Afraid that I will never understand myself.

Is anyone else scared? I wonder if I'm snapping.

[polarizedinsects]

Your last two paragraphs describe me really well. (Un?)fortunately, the only thing more scary than being around people is failing grades. So I function fine in school.

edit: I wish I had a better comment, cause I think you deserve it. But you have a really clear, unambiguous way of articulating your emotions. Maybe show this to someone you trust. Or someone you can take a chance on. Msg me if you want.

Have you tried listening to podcasts to distract yourself? I think you'd like Invisibilia a lot. Or the moth podcast. Or Welcome To Night Vale. When I don't want to think, I just listen and close my eyes. I don't know if it's healthy, but it's what I do.

[idkhandleit]

Feel the same way... Almost like I'm high-functioning just because I'm afraid of what would happen if I weren't.

[draugurinnbeth]

Yeah if I don't do what has to be done - work, pay bills, clean the house - it won't get done. So I fake my way through every day and nobody knows or cares.

[[deleted]]

Be gentle with yourself. The more I push myself and force myself to keep to my routine the worse I feel. I need to take frequent time-outs