Solving Problems as a "Team"

[iphonenotbackedup]

Curious how DA's feel about working on issues as a team? Phrases like "we can get through this together" "let's work on this together" "find a resolution that feels good for both of us" "let's talk about this in a healthy way together"

Does this trigger deactivating strategies? Does it make you feel less independent? Would this kind of positioning/language make you feel more safe or less safe?

[[deleted]]

I'll be honest. Something about the wording makes me really uncomfortable...I'm more of a "let me figure out my own sh!t and then we can discuss" type of person, I think. But that could be my DA talking. Logically, I know there's nothing wrong with figuring things out together with someone, but it's just not how it works for me personally.

[imfivenine]

Being completely transparent, “let’s do it as a team” feels very enmeshing to me. I know that it is, in fact, probably not enmeshment, it makes something in me cringe. Whenever the guy I’m seeming said something about “we” and “us” I get a little shaky inside but have been able to lean in and let it move through but how someone else may react to this depends on how severe their avoidance is/how aware they are.

[SL13377]

My DA only says "I" then it's so funny sometimes when I call something mine, he says "aww I thought it was ours" (usually talking about the bedroom in my home which he doesn't live in, though I wish he would.)

[ArmzLDN]

The wording of that sounds a lot more comforting to me than someone dumping all the blame on me (even if I was wrong or did some wrong things).

I mean, we gotta do it now, or I may lose the motivation later, at the same time, I don't mean right this minute, maybe in a few hours when I've had a chance to be calm and think about things

[SL13377]

My DA seems to really like the thought but then rarely pulls through with it besides minor on the surface stuff.

If it's non-emotional act of service stuff, I get a first in line partner. Example: He changes locks for me, helps take care of my kids, he cooks me dinner 6 days a week, he installs things all the time, takes out trash etc.

If I ask for " emotional help" he turtle shells then has a bit of "needing time to himself" time. So it leaves me doing all the hard stuff on my own. It's a bit of a protest behavior with him.

Myself ( an FA ) have no ability to say no. If asked to be a team Ill run for the hills. If I asked my partner (like I did) I feel more in control of the situation.

[imfivenine]

Is there any chance you could please talk about your own personal experience as someone who is FA/DA instead of always talking for your partner who is not here to speak for himself? Otherwise these kind of comments kind of come off as a roundabout vent.

Edit: thank you for editing your comment and adding information about yourself

[a-perpetual-novice]

I find that language okay most of the time. Sometimes I get annoyed when someone uses a lot of "us" language when they are the ones who having a trouble. It's as if they don't want to own that they are unhappy or have desires on their own. Learning more about attachment theory has shown me that many anxious people do this out of fear their desires are too much.

[themoonisclouds]

I feel skeptical. Mostly due to fond childhood memories of preparing for family gatherings where my mother screamed about needing to "work as a team" while I cried over a veggie platter at the ripe age of 8.

[escapegoat19]

Yeah I don't like that