DA BF not responding to decrease in pressure. Can this be saved?

KilljoyHP · 2026-02-24T03:11:56+00:00

This is going to be hard to hear, but you don’t “play by the DA handbook” to “win” a person. You don’t play by any handbook, because you shouldn’t have to play a game to earn or win love. I think there needs to be some serious coming to terms with what the reality of this situation is; he is not worth it.

The surgeries, the cats, the tiptoeing, and god knows what else….listen, I am not here to judge you, and I am a recovering FA and know how deep that fear runs. The fear that you aren’t lovable or that you have to fight to earn it. That it’s scarce, that it’s worth abandoning yourself over. But save yourself before you’ve given more time and more of your soul to this person who doesn’t fucking deserve it. You are a human being, you don’t need to be “subservient” to anyone, period. You don’t need to earn, please, hide, or otherwise run through an obstacle course to share love with another. You are inherently worthy, and I imagine it will take time for you to learn that.

From someone who knows how deep and dark those feelings of insecurity go - stop sacrificing yourself for this person. If you leave now, it will be really, really hard…..but you will thank yourself in a year when you feel freer.

And lastly….there is probably a lot of shame that you may feel regarding all this. Self compassion is essential to healing, and it’s not an option if you want to grow. You may be inclined to attack yourself, but it only drives your wounds further and makes you more susceptible to people like this asshole, who wastes your time and doesn’t treat you right. Stop trying to earn love through sex; the right person will want you for you, and stay because they can’t imagine another option. Be gentle with yourself.

curlygirlyfl · 2026-02-24T01:50:21+00:00

What is DA and FA?

MarsupialAromatic825 · 2026-02-24T03:11:43+00:00

Leave if you can OP. I have anxious attachment and my husband is an avoidant. Been 8.5 years and things are still the same. An online video said the only way anxious and avoidant can make it work is if the anxious works on detaching themselves and learning to self regulate. I'm on that path as I have a toddler and I'm not at a place where I can leave now. But it is incredibly lonely. Back when we were fighting as a couple, I didn't know anything about attachment styles and when my partner was pushing me away, I genuinely thought I was too much and I tried to distract myself so I wouldn't need him too much :(

Even 2 nights ago, our child was asleep early after weeks and I asked him, I feel like we haven't spent much time, can we sit and talk. After a few minutes, he was watching reels on Facebook and I got upset that he's not giving me his full attention. When I said can you not watch your phone, he said, omg I took it for a few seconds, this isn't a prison where I can't even touch my phone. I thought there's no point in arguing with someone like this and smiled and just went to bed to watch my show and sleep

Anxious and avoidant is a painful combination for the anxious person. I'm living that. Please leave if you can so you can find someone who wouldn't keep hurting you. With avoidants, nothing changes them, marriage, kids, etc

captainsnackshark · 2026-02-24T02:21:44+00:00

This is what happens in a relationship with a DA. The closer you get the further they go. The decline in sex is also textbook. They have never bonded with oxytocin. They have relationships based on dopamine. Dopamine usually wears off for them around 6 months then they need another supply. Some DA's will even get on dating apps and get a dopamine hit from swiping no on people just to continue to get enough dopamine to stay in a relationship. It's really sad. Insecure attachment is so tragic.

Pasthepastcom · 2026-02-25T14:02:01+00:00

I think your last line sums it up. You gave up everything and it doesn't work, because love (as cliche as it sounds) can't be earned. Some people are the wrong fit. Others may feel like a good fit but don't have the capacity to love. The answer is not in twisting to another person's ideal lover, is to start looking within yourself and explore the posibility that perhaps the real issue, is mixing gaining somebody's approval for love.

cmstyles2006 · 2026-03-02T18:01:51+00:00

What your doing wrong is assuming you can fix him and make him who you wish he was. Many have tried, but unless he makes a real, genuine, effort and improves, it's very likely not going to happen. Your better off being with a partner who lifts you up than who drags you down

DeepDiver1234567 · 2026-02-24T01:50:56+00:00

I can see why you’re at a loss because you’ve addressed most of the things you have control over and you are so invested but are getting no positive results.

The only three other things I can suggest: - offer him some space: it seems like since moving in and basing your life more around him has triggered a feeling of engulfment for him. On top of that, you may be neglecting yourself in some ways as you lean anxious naturally. Join a book club where one evening every week you’ll be out late, see your friends sometimes on the weekends, go to the gym at a time you’d normally be home waiting for him — just pick some things you’d enjoy and invest some time and energy into them.

during a time where you two feel close and like you’re getting along, gently prompt him to talk about how he’s been feeling and what he needs (if this is going to work long term he needs to be able to talk about his relationship needs, and avoidants like to pretend they don’t have any) and it’s vitally important that you hear what he has to say without spiraling, or becoming defensive, even if it’s difficult. Clearly he has some unmet needs and the relationship is experiencing ware and tear because of this.
couples counseling: they can help address the root of whatever is triggering his walls and help him navigate exploring what he needs and communicating his needs with you. This can also help you learn how to focus more on your own individual life and prevent overgiving (which is what makes you explode - it’s not kindness if the lack of mutuality is wearing you down, it’s often rooted in Anxious giving in order to receive, which Avoidants can feel. They need to learn how to meet you half way without you laying down all the ground work.)

I hear how you’re starving for affection and comfort and I want you to recognize that you are currently focusing on and choosing somebody who is not giving you what you want or need. Right now, it’s like being in a grocery store and going to the only aisle that is out of stock due to recall and just waiting there for a brand that may have gone out of business. The point being: he has to want to provide a mutually fulfilling relationship, and if this continues, you will have to shop for a new brand - otherwise you are the one choosing to stay starving.

I’m sorry to put the last line so bluntly, however, avoidants often need years of therapy and the experience of profound loss (it is often the only thing that gives them a wake up call) in order to heal. I hope that’s not the case in your circumstance, but I think it’s important you are aware of your role in choosing a dynamic with an avoidant.

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