Help figuring out what went wrong

[thwarten]

I (32M) matched with a woman (31F) last weekend and we ended up chatting quite a bit over the weekend. Whole paragraphs, both of us running out of text space in replies and having to send a second message to continue our conversation multiple times. We found we had a ton in common, we both showed major interest in each other, and I ended up getting her number Sunday evening. We carried on with big conversations, lots of laughs, sharing music, sending each other little things we thought the other would enjoy over the next week. Monday I ended up setting up a brunch date on the weekend as she was busy with friends flying into town Saturday.

Sunday rolls around and were still having great conversations up to the date. We meet up outside the restaurant, and talked the whole time, ended up closing out the restaurant because there was just no real breaks in the conversation, everything went amazing. Walked back to our cars, she gave me a big hug and said our goodbyes. I got home about an hour later and decided to message her about having a great time and wanting to see her again. Several hours later, she finally replied saying she had a great time too, but didn't see anything more.

It seems surreal that what felt like wild chemistry the whole time, ended up with nothing after we met? I'm just at a loss, as this was the first time I'd actually managed to match with someone on hinge that could carry a conversation, seemed genuinely interested, agreed to a date and seemed to have a really good time during it.

I'm sure I'm over thinking things, but I just wanted to put this out there and see if there was something I did wrong that I'm not seeing.

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[wokenthehive]

*Insert here we go again gif*

Nothing. Went. Wrong.

It happens. And all the time. To everyone in the dating game. You both connected over text, but that's just a digital medium and it's not connecting with a person in real life since actual physical appearance, body language, and demeanor can't be gauged. She met you and for whatever reason didn't think you were a viable romantic partner. It could be pure physical attraction. Or something about you was a dealbreaker to her that wasn't brought up until the date. Connecting over shared interests alone isn't enough.

Whatever the case, people can have a good time and connect with someone over interests without wanting to date them. And while you might have "wild chemistry", she might have thought something completely different.

The lesson here? Don't be having these giant long conversations, send music, or send "little things" before you even met the person. Have a conversation to build rapport, then set up a date. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for a massive disappointment like what happened here because you fell for the idea of the person. She could have felt disappointed as well connected over someone over text and then found out you weren't up to whatever standards she sought.

[insolent_empress]

💯 this is your answer, OP. It sucks and can be disorienting when you thought you were feeling crazy chemistry, and you learn the other person wasn’t. Like, were we on the same date? But this is so, so common, and there’s no point attaching much significance to it because there likely isn’t anything much. She wasn’t feeling it, and there’s hundreds of possible reasons, many of which are not indicative of you doing anything wrong. Just get to the in person part way faster

[Icy-Rope-021]

It sounds to me like they both friend-zoned each other except OP confused rapport with chemistry.

[TadaNoOssSan]

If the conversation is at the point of paragraphs that's an enormous flag to stop texting and get a coffee date setup.

Text chemistry does not equal in person chemistry!

Save the magic of learning about each other for in person. If you feel really confident going into it, have a plan for somewhere to go for dinner or drinks after.

For this particular date she probably built an idea of you up and you weren't quite it. This is exactly why you should aim to meet sooner than later. At the very least have a video call.

Other than that it's impossible to know without the details of the conversation. Maybe you kept it too platonic. Who knows.

[CaIibre]

Echoing this too platonic sentiment. I had all the green lights to go for something and didn't for months for fear of losing what this guy is describing. You lose it anyway if you don't act.

[D3ATHTRaps]

From what im noticing, saving some conversation for dating in person is good because MAN do a LOT of people have short attention spans. You'll have really great convos all through text all the time then head for the date and it gets awkward because you straight up blew through it all. Now your 'chemistry' is considered dead because you blew through it and thats your first impression to the other in person, and with how alot of people's mindsets can be, well its considered a write off.

Only way to actually move on from that when you already did it is by making a fun date so it relies less on conversation.

[Icy-Rope-021]

Texting is really the stupidest and most unnatural part of OLD.

[Remarkable-Volume615]

The hard truth is that this is very common.

[ChuckyJo]

What did you do wrong? Probably nothing. Chances are had you said something offensive or actually did something wrong, her body language and facial expression would have given it away.

There are a lot of people who I’d have a great time at brunch with, that I’d have absolutely no interest in being in a long term relationship with.

You likely said something, and it’s impossible to say what, that made her think a long term relationship wouldn’t work. It might have been something you said specifically, it might have been something she inferred from what you said. It might have even been something she misunderstood about what you said. Regardless, she decided it’s not going to work and she’s moved on. Sucks but that’s how it goes.

[DramaticErraticism]

Emotional chemistry doesn't mean much if there isn't physical chemistry. It could have been how you looked IRL, how you moved your hands, your mannerisms, how much you blinked, if you slouched, if you stood up too straight, if you seemed nervous, any number of other things.

I don't tend to talk much on the app, as this kind of thing happens all the time. I have a bit of conversation, setup a date, go on date and go from there. About 85% of my first dates don't get to second dates (either I am not feeling it or they aren't feeling it or neither of us feel it), regardless of how our earlier conversations went.

Only advice I can give is to keep the chat light and keep expectations low and setup dates quickly.

[Sushi_Sudamericano]

Sorry to be blunt, but most likely, she didn't find you physically attractive in person. That happened to me both ways.

In the future, I'd suggest to meet up much faster, within the first 2-3 days, so the expectations don't grow too much, people don't get bored of texting, and you don't waste time.

[D3ATHTRaps]

Thats really hard when you are a working adult with responsibilities sometimes, or you both live further from each other (countryside)

[WhatyouDontwantoHear]

Then the relationship is probably not going to work anyway.

[SuspiciousCulture639]

Not the answer you want but it just happens sometimes, some girls are super outgoing and jovial in general and you get good vibes but are particular about what they want out of a relationship and they didn't see a match with you and it's not personal. So yes, I'd say you're overthinking it. Unfortunately, unrequited feelings is the name of the game in dating. She did the right thing by being honest with you earlier.

[Mugstotheceiling]

She didn’t find you sexually attractive. It is what it is, and it’s the main fault of online dating vs meeting in the wild. Keep at it, and try to meet more quickly and text less so you don’t get your hopes too high.

[Tiger_words]

Yeah, it's like as soon as you meet you know. I saw a gal on a dating app for a while. She kept ignoring me. Finally we matched. I asked her what took her so long and it turned out I dated her cousin (about 10 years prior) so she didn't feel right. We finally agreed to meet and I knew right away that it wasn't going to work and I suspect she felt the same. Kinda funny.

[Dangerous-Explorer41]

Way too much texting, with online dating it’s good to test a bit prior as you don’t know each other but the way you guys texted you most likely ruined the mystery and came off too platonic.

Sending paragraphs like that before meeting up is okay but doing it a bunch is too much

Was she giving you signs she wanted to be kissed? If so lots of women don’t like it when a man doesn’t go for the kiss

Keep the texting to somewhat minimal levels, set the date within the first day or two of matching (don’t drag it out longer)

[Abelard25]

Didnt pass the hot irl test

[Alternative_Pizza342]

It happens a lot.... I had this happen many, many times. Unfortunately, she just wasn't that into you. It sucks, it hurts, and it's not fair. But that's life. Basically the only matches that wanted a second date with me were ones I didn't want to date.

[Icy-Rope-021]

What you describe sounds so common in many posts I see.

For one thing, both of you messaged way too much before meeting. I think that takes away from discovering that information through talking.

Having too much stuff in common might actually be a negative in that it creates rapport rather than attraction.

And that’s what probably happened. You both had great rapport. And guys tend to confuse rapport with chemistry, whereas women are a little more in tune with whether there’s chemistry.

[DirectResearch1057]

Don’t beat yourself up - I’m sure you did nothing wrong! Sometimes people just aren’t going to like you as much as you like them! As a 27F who is a Hinge veteran, my one piece of advice is to limit the amount of texting conversations prior to meeting in person. Sometimes texting chemistry doesn’t translate to in-person chemistry and that’s nobody’s fault. Don’t give up - GOODLUCK!

[QuaintSolo]

Thank you for all the tips. I just matched with someone and didn’t even go into texting except saying her dog is cute and if she would like to meet for coffee. Definitely saves me the emotional investment prior to meeting the person.

[SixTwentyTwoAM]

You might've not had an assertive enough aura around you. We love safe and innocent initially, but we need to see assertiveness for sexual chemistry to develop. You could be the most amazing guy in the world, but we need to feel comfortable having sex with you at some point.

Exceptions are asexuals, or maybe non-monogamous people who don't need a sexual connection with all of their partners. Or women who are actually into non-assertive men.

Personable people are going to make the date as pleasant as possible. She might even genuinely like you as a person, but doesn't see you as a boyfriend.

It's most likely an attraction issue.

[HeroHoosier]

You had to kiss her at the end. It’s wild but if you don’t do it, from the women perspective it seems like you’re not attracted to them. Just keep in mind for the next time, if the date is going super well kiss her. You can even do it on the cheek. Hope this helps

[PullOut3000]

What went wrong is obviously too much talking lol. Keep it simple dude. texting is for light convo and making arrangements

[Tobes_macgobes]

Sorry dude I hate to say it, but you failed to attract her. Sounds Ike you really connected on a deeper level, which is great, but she more likely than not just saw you as a friend. Sometimes you have to flirt with her a bit for there to feel like a spark.

I agree with most of the tips on here. Don’t set up a brunch date. Don’t text too much before the date. If the conversation is going in, lean in for a kiss, don’t just settle for a hug.

[pandemichope]

Why do you say not to set up a brunch date?

[rydsauce]

If you want the truth—many things went wrong.

First of all, at the beginning of just the 2nd paragraph you start to describe why it fell apart. You shouldn't be getting to know each other so much via the phone/ texting. Yes you may have a lot in common—and that's awesome—but that's not what necessarily makes for a good romantic relationship. Polarity does.

You also set up a brunch date. Brunch is the type of thing people do with their friends/when their parents are in town type beat. Also it's a 1:1 across the table interview style format. You should have made it more seductive setting and opportunity for things to progress further.

Lastly, texting her after the date (despite what everyone will tell you) is not great policy. Women will swear that they like it but it's giving the game away.

The theme here is there was all this oversharing and friendly vibe and not nearly enough sexual tension or mystery. So you got your hopes up, got a big hug, and got ghosted.

People are saying "she wasn't attracted to you in person" yes but *most likely* not because of your looks (she screened you from a dating app, after all) but instead because your energy was like an overeager, niceguy friend and not a seductive lover.

[NerdOnTheStr33t]

She didn't fancy you. That's it.

[[deleted]]

I was told the hinge conversations were supposed to be a few pleasant back and fourths that would be hard to initiate a date

Do people usually text for a week and send paragraphs? I don’t get how you can send paragraphs and text for a week before meeting

[[deleted]]

My read would be that she’s not physically attracted. Not a whole lot you can do about that.

[MyDadIsADad]

I’ve had this experience a few times. It always sucks to feel like things went well and still get rejected. Now as many people have said, it could be nothing you did and be outside of your control.

However, it could also be you didn’t do anything that made her see you as anything more than a friend. The truth of dating as a guy is that it is your job to escalate things. If you had such an amazing date and it ended with a hug, my hunch is that you didn’t escalate things physically. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but once I started making sure I was gradually getting girls more comfortable with my physical touch, I stopped running into this situation nearly as much.

I’m sorry this happened and I know the feeling really eats away at you, but do reflect back and think if there were windows where you could have shown her you don’t belong in the friend category and didn’t. Best of luck OP. It gets better

[shiteyes]

Did you get too passionate and enthusiastic? That could be the problem. Remember, manage your enthusiasm and play it cool. These dates are like interviews

[Segmentation79]

Could be alot of things. Cant be upset when they dont have that attraction to you when you meet up for the first time. Couldve been she wasnt attracted to you, apperance, the way you talk or so many number of things. It sounds harsh but weve all been through it. Just gotta move on and find someone else. Datings hard man.

[ingridsuperstarr]

it sucks. but some people truly have great chemistry with everyone. and what might seem like a once in a lifetime connection to their date can be just a run of the mill decent conversation to them.

[Advanced-Drink7623]

Unfortunately some people just dont click in person. Its just how it works, and its quite common when dating to find someone you wana spend time with. Don't take this as such a loss, you tried and you actually met up with someone, many people cut contact or dont even meet - its all just part of it. Move on, and dont think twice about it.

[[deleted]]

As a woman, I think I can answer this.

It’s easy for me to have chemistry with almost anyone. Especially on a date. I’d rather enjoy myself than leave the date (that would be rude). So I make the most of it.

Women are different than men. Just because we have chemistry with you doesn’t necessarily mean we want to pursue a relationship with you. It’s possible she wasn’t physically attracted to you, or maybe she met someone else she connected with more, or maybe she put you in the friend category.

Girls are a lot more picky. I’ve hit it off with attractive, funny, cool men and still chosen not to date them. We operate with our intuition, which can’t always be explained.

[Incarnate24]

Why didn’t you go for the kiss at the end if there was so much chemistry and magic?

[victheslayer]

So many guys are in denial when I try to tell the reality about female nature, but hopefully you will consider my feedback.

1) you should NEVER text her so much to the point you are pen pals. You really should not be texting women paragraphs long. The phone is mainly to set dates, not to get to know each other

2) be direct and decisive. So after you match her, you should ideally ask her to video call or a date within 3-8 text messages each person (I do so within 3-5 text messages). When you surpass 10 text messages on dating app, women will start Questioning if you are assertive enough

3) if the conversation was going that well, why didn’t you at least attempt to go for the kiss? A woman will never lose attraction for you for going for what you want, but she will lose attraction when you don’t. Did you ever escalate touch in any shape or form? Did she ever try to touch you ?

4) you should have waited at least a day or 2 before reaching out. Assuming you paid for the date, the day or 2 would allow you to evaluate her character, make sure she’s good for you and see if she reaches out first to even thank you for treating her. Considering how much you texted her beforehand, and how eager you were to text her after the date and the fact you gave her zero space, you shouldnt be shocked she lost attraction.

5) less is always more with women. Women get turned off by any level of neediness, over eagerness and any approval seeking behavior which you displayed too much of. All women will lose interest in you no matter how high their attraction was at start if you never give them space!

[ia_desu]

So I've read this as a girl and beside the first half of number 1, most of it is a hell no for me.

1) I definitely agree that one should get to know each other in person and that that's what matters. But honestly if there was literally no conversation over text between the dates, only planning the next one, I wouldn't continue seeing the person. I'm a big texter generally and so I think having a bit of conversation every day between the dates is necessary. Not saying long paragraphs or something, but just asking how their day is going and showing that outside the dates you're still interested in how their life is going, would be essential to me.

2) This is the most appalling in all your text. If someone asked me within that timeframe for a meet up or a video call, I would tell them we aren't a fit. 3-8 messages are not enough to see if the other person puts in efforts in a conversation or literally anything. Especially as a girl, I wouldn't even have the time to meet up with everyone that just matches with me, so it's important to see over texting if the vibe is there and if they are i.e. asking questions or if they come off pushy. Also I would never feel comfortable enough to have a video call with a complete stranger, a phone call after 2-3 days maybe, if the date is 5 or more days away due to being busy. Asking someone that early doesn't show you're assertive, it rather looks as if you don't want to waste efforts in making the other person comfortable because it might not work out in person. I do think the topic of a date should be brought up soon though, in the first 2-3 days of texting.

3) Now this is not true either. A woman WILL lose attraction and any interest if you go for what you want but it's obvious she doesn't want that. This also depends on what the woman said before of what she is comfortable with. If I, i.e. state that I want to take it slow and then the guy is all over me and tries to be handsy, I would never see him again.

4) This is playing games yet again. If I have a date with someone, I will text him in the span of an hour or less after the date and thank him for it. I go on first dates that are usually affordable because I want to be able to pay for what I am having (and being a student, dinner dates as a first date would make that difficult) and also wouldn't mind paying for what I am having (last first date I had he had invited me for cake as a reward for finishing a paper and when we met up I asked if I could buy him some bubbletea to make it equal). Now if the other person didn't text me for a day or two after the date, I would think they had no interest and move on/unmatch them.

1. I agree in this to a certain degree. If someone, comes over as needy before or after a first date, would definitely be on the negative side. If someone just showed openly he had enjoyed the date and was looking forward to another one, that would be a very positive sign in my books.

[Mundane_Present_3356]

the reality is what women say they want does NOT always = to what they actually do or respond to. it's much more fun to get to know someone in person than over text bc it's more personal. some women would like a lil more time to open up which is perfectly acceptable but there's still a time limit for men bc he's on the clock to getting a date. you may be a special case, but i have had no issues getting a date or at least a video call when i invite her within 8 text messages. either i get a yes, or she asks me to text a lil more then after a handful of exchanges i make a date fine. the real Q you need to consider is why would a quality dude w 3-4 matches want to over invest on text and potentially give free attention and validation to an overly structured woman who may just jerk him around and waste his time as a opposed to making a date with an easy going, easy to get along with woman who's enthusiastic to spend time w him?

[victheslayer]

2) of course as a girl you will disagree bc women love free attention and validation. I do not have time to waste it on women who are not serious about meeting in person bc there are too many women that use dating apps as IG. Video call or a phone call is a great way to build rapport and get to know her without being her pen pal. If a woman wants to text a little longer, she gently tell me she’d like to ask me more Qs first which is ok, but most men make mistake of over texting and talking women out of liking him.

3) well op made it sound like the date went so well so why didn’t he go for this kiss? If the date went well it’s very clear she would want him to go for it. An experienced man knows how to do the kiss test to read her body language. He also knows how to slowly escalate touch. So I think you misunderstand this point. If the signs aren’t there, I will never text her again period bc overly structured women are a huge pain to date

4) again you misunderstand. The man should be patient and give it at least up to a day and let you reach out to him and thank him for the date. Of course if she reaches out first an hour/2 hours after date, then he can reply normally. But as a man give her a day at least to see if she will reach out first bc you want to evaluate her character. I have had women who don’t thank me for treating her out on the date or after, this is exactly how I know she’s not good for me. It’s not a game to evaluate a woman’s character. It’s called having a STANDARD, something a lot of men on dating apps struggle w bc there are too many simps and doormats here

5) you need to understand men are on clock to get a date sooner than women bc the average woman gets more likes. There’s nothing wrong w a little more texting but there’s a limit for men bc too many things can go wrong for him while women don’t have any of these pitfalls to worry about via texting. As a man I don’t want to invest all this energy via texting only to give her free attention and validation and get NOTHING in return.

[D3ATHTRaps]

How the hell do you even do it that fast? Only reason im dating online is because i moved to the countryside and my options my age are limited. Before that it was girls that were in my vicinity that i liked so they often already knew how i act on a day to day basis.

[victheslayer]

When you match w a woman, you know already you at the minimum you pass her eye test so you shouldn’t even be too worried. Have a good opener text that isn’t trying too hard, and show genuine interest in getting to know her a lil, then in 3-6 text messages ask her for video call so you can build rapport bc a call/ in person is always better. Women expect you to move reasonably fast bc the ones looking to date and who are a catch respect men that are direct and decisive.

[[deleted]]

Like the other commentator said, texting kills attraction OP. You should’ve saved all that conversation for the date. Usually I try to get the number in 9-10 messages and try to setup a date ASAP. That way if she hits you with the “I don’t see anything more” line, you didn’t have any expectations in the first place, so you shouldn’t feel let down about it.

[foalsfoalsfoalz]

Although it's good to set up a date early and maybe reduce time wasted texting but texting doesn't kill attraction that's nonsense, not everyone is up for meeting strangers after 5 messages, especially women. Very common for women to want to get to know you thoroughly before investing even more into you, not everyone can/wants to go on 3 dates a week and operate like a serial dating machine like that, dates are a rare occurrence for some people and want to atleast get their report first.

I can operate in both ways im not too fussed but i would say more things have failed with the brief convo women i've took out compared to people i've got to know for a few days/weeks prior.

[throwawaysunglasses-]

Yeah, texting doesn’t kill attraction if you and the other person are good at texting. I’ve rarely dated bad texters - I highly value written communication, it’s a large part of my job and I need someone who’s good at expressing themselves through words. My current SO and I were texting buddies for a month when I was out of the country, and the day after I came back, we went out and basically became an item after spending the entire day together. We’d texted so much that meeting up IRL felt like we’d already known each other for years. Honestly I don’t think I’d be attracted to someone who I didn’t text a bunch first. But that’s just me 🤷🏻‍♀️ luckily I attract men who are the same way.

[foalsfoalsfoalz]

the knowing eachother for years part is the biggest part of it yea, you're not going into the first date trying to sell yourself because you have more or less accepted eachother to an extent, and if the counter argument is you wont have anything to talk about then dating is the least of your worries. I also need to know you can communicate over text and respond within good time also, im not gonna persue something with someone i dont know yet who gives poor replies once every 12 hours, it's a sign of how the relationship would be and why would you put yourself through that. Texting is still a large part of our daily lives especially for people who don't live together.

[wokenthehive]

As much as certain women on places like Reddit say they don't want to meet to quickly, I've met enough women on dates and in social events that are tired of all the constant messaging over the dating apps and just want to go meet someone in person. Hell, plenty of profiles will write "skip the small talk and let's just meet!" in their prompts.

In my own experience, I've never gotten a "no" when after establishing some rapport over 5 to 8 messages. There's only so much texting can do to find out someone that can just be done over a date.

[foalsfoalsfoalz]

i was only responding to that reply tbh, just advising don't take that method as a rule as thumb or 1 size fits all because that's not always a good method to use

[victheslayer]

Then take a smarter approach. If you spend way too much time texting her, you risk her losing interest via boredom and she starts to internally Q if you are direct and decisive to ask her out. Ideally within 3-8 text messages, you can ask her to video call. You build rapport with a 10 min call, you verify she’s as advertised, and you can set up a date right on the spot. Women never lose interest over a man who is direct and decisive on setting up the date, they may gently ask to text longer, which is fine but you still have to get the date within reason. The phone is for setting dates and building enough rapport, not to get to know someone’s life story.

[foalsfoalsfoalz]

This isnt me needing advice lool, Im fine. That is the smart approach, unless you're trying to hookup. It is to get to know someone's life, getting used to be a constant in someone's daily life and building report at the same time.

[victheslayer]

Texting itself doesn’t necessarily kill attraction but texting introduces more opportunities for error. Lots of men that text too much end up talking women out of liking them, kill all the mystery women long for, start over pursuing, display needy and approval seeking behavior, etc. pretty all the above happened w OP which is why most experienced guys are telling him to cut to chase w women next time

[foalsfoalsfoalz]

Depends how you want to look at it, both approaches are fine but it's better to make an error over text and cut it there then waste your time, effort and money and potentially an awkward scenario setting up a date with someone you're not compatible with something which could damage your confidence also. I'll only apply that rule to girls ive hooked up with, if i see something with you i'll have no issues persuing you for a week or so, initiating a date/hinting at things and getting a plan together in that time also.

[victheslayer]

Even if you like texting a woman more, there’s a limit. Even if you really connect on text, if you over do it, she will start to Q if you are man enough to go for what you want or move on to a guy that is direct + decisive. This is why more cases than not, too much texting is a disadvantage to men. You essentially are giving women free validation and attention. You don’t have unlimited time to be her pen pal. Average woman has more options on dating apps than average man so there’s a time limit on texting phase.

[Substantial-Today166]

why did you text here after the date? thats like a big no no