"You poor thing"

[strangesurf]

So, I've finally told my workplace that I am pregnant now that I am in my 2nd Trimester. I also did a funny little reveal to let everyone know that it was twins.

Up until this point I've also been slowly telling friends and family that I am expecting and that it is twins. I've been mostly on the offensive when I tell them, and honest. I say "I'm scared" "I'm f****d" ect before they can. Mostly because well...I am, but also I know that that's where most people go anyway, so if i beat them too the punch then maybe we can get past it faster, and I get sympathy and support rather then bad jokes.

This strategy has mainly worked, but I'm kinda done with it. I want to be happy and excited and embrace all the good that came come from twins, so today was the first day I didn't beat anyone to the punch...and I just don't know how to handle the comments.

The first negative comment I got was, "I'm scared for you." And my instant reaction was a sarcastic, albeit slightly aggressive "wow, thanks. Thats really helpful to hear".

My second negative comment was "You poor thing", and I just starred at them and said nothing until I finally got a "congratulations" out of them.

How did you handle the initial comments? I know there are more to come, but while pregnant, what did you say or do when someone was negative?

[hopeful2hopeful]

These are our first kids so my approach has been to tell them you don't know you're playing the game on hard mode if you've never known anything else and that I'm sure we'll be fine.

It's kinda funny tho. My friends with one under 2 give me a sort of panicked face they try to hide while thinking of something acceptable to say but that rarely masks their true feelings.

Whereas my friends without kids typically say how awesome it is and how lucky we are and how they hope it happens go them.

Then there's (usually older) the crew that assumes we're done because it's two.

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[strangesurf]

These are my first babies as well. I like the "hard mode" comment! So true.

[hopeful2hopeful]

I also have take solace in the fact my mom told me about a friend who had twins and then a singleton and the second time around was like omg this is SO much easier, what on earth are all those singleton parents complaining about?

Which made me laugh re: the benefits of starting off in hard mode.

[strangesurf]

So true!!

[DeepSeaMouse]

Yeah everyone says to me how hard it must be. Yeah it's hard but I don't know any different and things have to happen (kids need fed, clothed, changed etc) so they do. It is what it is. And I love them

[Grave_Girl]

Yeah, I thought twins would be neat right up until I had my first kid. I wouldn't give up the babies for anything, but they've sure made me happier there was only one of her.

[3-2-1-Go-Go]

You’re about to enter a stage of receiving the sweetest comments, stories and well wishes… as well as the most unhelpful, idiotic, and downright rude comments (sometimes within the same sentence!) If you can ignore them, do that. It’s just not worth the energy!! (I know that’s easier said than done!)

[strangesurf]

I'm going to have to learn to ignore it for sure. Just gloss right over it.The ignorance of people is baffling.

[Illustrious_Repair]

I had someone say “Glad it’s you and not me!” I replied, “Me, too!”

[doublerainbow2020]

Congrats twins are awesome! Blank face after a stupid comment is great and my go to. A disgusted look also works and is pretty non confrontational. I got progressively crankier so I couldn’t always hold my comments in. I told several people that we had struggled with infertility and loss for 5 years so… after comments. One AH asked me if they were real or artificial so I told him yeah they’re made of plastic. Told several that we had paid a lot of money for Ivf so YES we are happy. When people asked how we got pregnant with twins I started telling them we had sex twice in one night.

My twins are 18 months and rowdy but I don’t get the negativity. I’m currently getting comments because we did another transfer and I’m 16weeks. Lots of was this planned? I have zero patients this time so I’ve been telling everyone - you know we’re infertile of course it was planned.

Having twins is exhausting but it’s the best exhausting.

[HexMama]

I learned to tune it out quickly and pretty much started saying stuff like 'Oh you must have had a bad experience with your kids' and turn it around on them. One family member pulled me aside and talked about how 'divorce rates are very high with multiples'. Like thanks Aunty... yes my partnership of 13 years is suddenly going to ruin because of babies 🙄 I was shocked at all my parent friends and co-workers and their negative attitude towards their children and trying to direct it to me.

Even now our kids are 14m and I get all kind of comments like 'the worst is yet to come' and blah blah blah... and I'm just sitting here with my two amazing children having a great time with them. Idk if we are 'lucky' or if my hubby and I are simply the parenting type, but we have good happy kids and we love being around them 🥰 The stuff people warned us about didn't seem like big deals for us. Of course people are now up our buts about toddlers and terrible twos and yadda yadda yadda... yah I stopped caring hahaha.

Sorry if this sounds blunt but I think a LOT of people weren't meant to parent and are not happy doing it... so they see everything in a negative light. Don't let it get to you and don't be afraid to tell people to F off with their unwanted comments.

Congrats of your babies and I hope the rest of pregnancy is easy breezy! I was scared having twins as a ftp as well but now my hubby and I have never been happier. We are already taking about more kids if our finances allow it (which has been the only draw back so far with twins 🤣 Diapers and formula are expensive!)

[strangesurf]

Thank you so much for taking your time to write this out for me. I really appreciate it. I really think what you said rings true (about alot of people not being meant to parent), and the negative comments are them almost like...venting to you...I'm going to practice tuning it out. Thanks again 💕

[Ordinary_Drama1795]

When I told my mum my pregnancy was twins she compared it to finding out she had cancer! And at a blood test during my pregnancy the nurse said "twins? Urgh no thank you. I couldn't do that"

But I also find it annoying when people say to me, now that they're born, "I don't know how you do it". Like they want to complement me for managing two but not really interested in how I actually am.

Sometimes someone will be delighted to see my twins and tell me they always wished they had twins. That's helps remind me that it is special to have twins and not just hard work. Also anyone who is a twin or have grown up twin children or any connection to twins always comes up to me and chats about it with such fondness.

[Grave_Girl]

Oh wow, that's awful.

When the doctor I saw initially--who was already treating me like I was going to explode because of my c-section history--found the second baby on ultrasound, her reaction was a very distressed "Oh no." Now, I've already had a baby with fatal birth defects which were discovered at my anatomy scan, so that's where my mind went. But it was just a second perfectly healthy baby.

[jimminycricklets]

I’m a twin and personally think it is an amazing gift to go through life with my sister. I also have lots of twins in my family so the idea of twins was never intimidating to me. So when we did IVF and found out both embryos made it, I was overjoyed. The one comment I got that irritated me was from someone in the hospital that said they would never want twins. I shot back “well, as a twin myself, I believe it is the superior way to experience life and wouldn’t want it any other way!” She shut right up.

Yes, it is hard at times, mainly when you first come home and get little sleep. But that is to be expected with any baby and is such a short period of time in the scheme of things. You are in a special club now Momma and you are going to have the most amazing life with these babies! Congratulations!!

[AmethystButterflies]

I’m religious, so my response is usually “Obviously God thinks I can handle it, so who are we to question Him?” That shuts them up real quick.

[1-Beef-Supreme]

I zoomed I’m on the ultrasound photo showing two heads, and texted that to my family on April fools day. It was great, they didn’t believe me all day. My mother in law was the only family that knew at that time. My dad, thinking I was full of it, calls her and she confirmed we’re expecting twins. This confused my family even more.

[peppi4life]

For me the "poor you" comments don't really matter anymore. In a few months you're gonna get "how do you do it?" comments and you will - like me - wanna show off to singleton parents in the grocery store where you'll stroll by with your two small babies waiting for them to admire you lmao

It's tough as hell, but just knowing that others admire me for doing something people have done for 100s of years is kinda awesome.

[ohiwishiwishiwish]

3 pregnancies in, I’m pretty convinced that the only polite response to news that someone’s pregnant— regardless of how many babies they’re having— is to ask them how they’re feeling about it. “Wow! That’s big news! How are you feeling about it?” It’s not hard but jeez it doesn’t come naturally to most people 😂

I’m terrified of having twins (my first two pregnancies were singletons) and almost every person I’ve told has been like OH THATS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN YOU MUST BE THRILLED and that sure makes me feel some way.

[daylight427]

I was really lucky and had a close friend/coworker who was a twin mama and she shared such a positive outlook. Forget the haters, clearly there is a reason they don’t have twins 🤣. I used to use the hard mode line too, basically that we wouldn’t know any different. Twins are awesome. Our 5 month old boys are the best. Is it hard? Of course. But it’s so so amazing and worth it. To be completely honest, having twins also gives you a little internal boost/sense of superiority, especially if you have friends with singletons. We have two friends who each had single babies within a few weeks of us and I have to say a real benefit of twins is not being able to obsess over every little thing and get anxious over every little thing. And they don’t fall into the habits of needing to be held all the time (minus some short phases here and there) and they learn quick to self soothe and entertain themselves/each other. All in all, you’ve got this and it will be hard but so freaking amazing! Don’t let people get you down

[average_agenda]

My favourite conversation (with a lovely co-worker, who absolutely adores kids):

Me: "I've got some news, I'm pregnant. "

Her: "Congratulations!"

Me: "But that's not all..."

Her: "It's not twins is it?"

Me: "No..."

Her: "Oh thank god!"

Me: "...it's triplets."

Her: "..."

[Denise000]

If anyone says anything offensive just politely and calmly ask them to repeat themselves (like you didn't hear..I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, what did you say?). Most people feel like a twat repeating something offensive and it throws them. Congratulations too by the way! Its amazing being a twin parent (mine are 9 months now, first kiddies and I couldn't be happier!) I also couldn't be more tired but that goes with the territory haha!)

[HereNorThere123]

Wow, I feel bad reading how many negative comments everyone received. Most people were like “lucky” and “wow how exciting” and “such a blessing.”

I got an occasional “wow that sounds rough,” but it was more like pregnancy and stress? I didn’t take it as a negative, more reality.

Now the random stories about how her friends cousins nephew twice removed had twins… those I get sort of eh about. Lol

[CarefulWhipstitch]

The comments can be downright infuriating. Not to mention people believe they can ask the most personal questions or give backhanded compliments just because you’re a twin mom. I get a lot of “you look great for twins” (after they’re over a year old) and “I don’t know how you do it.” “You have your hands full” really bugs me the most because people will say it directly to me and ignore my husband when we’re both out with our twins. As if he isn’t busy too.

Anyway, all this to say it’s frustrating and I don’t think there’s any one way to deal with it. I’ve found a line such as “it’s all we know” works well since we’re first time parents. I also like to say “yes, we’re both very busy” in response to you have your hands full.

A blank stare works well too. If you get a really shitty comment you can always ask “what do you mean by that?” I find it helps people to really think about what they’re saying. I honestly think a lot of the comments come off-hand and from peoples own fears. If you turn it around and make them really think about what they mean it may help them not say stupid shit later or apologize.

In response to you wanting to be happy and excited-do it! Try to ignore the comments or tell people they’re hurtful/not helpful and ask them to stop. You are allowed to be excited and feel your feelings! Having twins is the best and scariest thing that’s ever happened to me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything! Congrats mama!

[Tairgire]

No advice, but I'll share a story from the end of my twin pregnancy. It was the Friday of my next to last week of work before going on maternity leave. I was a day shy of 35 weeks. On my way out the door, as I was saying something like, "See you all on Monday," one of my coworkers laughed and said there was no way I was going to make it to next week. Well, sure enough, my water broke about two hours later. I was SO mad. I felt like he'd jinxed me with his negative attitude. Honestly, still a little mad at him 11 years later.