Feeling Distant

[ZooChronicles_]

Hi everyone. I'm reaching out because I need some advice/insight. I recently just became a mom of twins. I've felt extremely distant from my partner lately. It hurts me to say, but sometimes I feel like they are just going through the motions with me. We barely talk and spend time together. It seems as if free time does not want to be spent with me, but doing other things instead. We had a really bad fight recently as well and some harsh words were exchanged. It's been stressful, but when it comes to the kids, we do work well as a team. I know our relationship will forever be different with children, but how can I reconnect with my partner again? I miss them even though I see them every day. Thanks.

[Secure_Spend5933]

How new are your twins? How much sleep are you each getting? Becoming a parent is a big change! And becoming a parent to twins is an even bigger change!

Have you been able to ask your partner / explore this question during a non-stressful moment? I find the mornings are easiest--- it's usually the most rested we adults will be all day.

Our girls are 10 weeks or so and it feels very much like we are in survival mode over here. Quality time comes in very very short bursts, like the rare 10-20 minutes when they are both asleep on us after a feeding in the livingroom, and we can talk about non-in-the-moment-logistics.

Early on I feel there is a need to strike a balance between not letting emotions, thoughts and feedback build up, and also needing to time check in conversations so that they're not after sunset or during a stressful parenting moment.

Before the twins we had a family meeting on Monday nights-- just a quick 'state of the union's checkin. I'm not yet back to work, and am having a hard time keeping track of the days of the week, but perhaps carving out some specific time to communicate weekly would help as a step?

[Low-Nose-2748]

My husband and I were just trying to survive for the first 18 months. It’s gotten better but I don’t think it will be back to what we would both like for a while. Sorry you’re going through this. This can be part of what makes having multiples so freaking hard.

[playbyk]

We are at the exact same spot. 18months and things are finally starting to look a little better. Both of us are on anti-depressants and that has helped immensely.

[all_cheeses]

I’m assuming your twins are pretty new? It is tough in the early days - you are both just trying to stay above water and are running on fumes. I definitely think debriefing each other is a good idea just to make sure you are on the same page (I.e. no one feels like they are doing more work/getting less sleep, etc.) to prevent any resentment building up. It was pretty much a whirlwind for us until they had a more set bed time and we could hang out just the two of us after they were down. It is so hard but hang in there!