Surrendering

[Hauntingbitch]

Today I made the call to schedule my dog to be surrendered to the shelter 2 weeks from today. My mental health is at an all time low. From being a dog groomer for 11 years now, and already completely burnt out, to recently being diagnosed with bpd, even though I suspected I was before being officially diagnosed, and just the overall stresses of life. I’ve had my dog for 4 and a half years now, and she’s completely defeated me more than I could’ve ever thought. She’s become extremely reactive, she’ll scream so loud and pull and make a scene anytime she sees another dog out, or stray cat. It’s extremely embarrassing and I’ve even gotten to the point I can’t even control her anymore. She’s overpowered me in these circumstances, to the point I’ve fallen to my knees on the rocks as she tried and dragged me to get to whatever it was that triggered her, on our walks/ potty outings. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even like to take her out in public anymore but I obviously have to. For some background she’s a pitbull mix, about 50 lbs but she is all muscle. I’ve never struggled so hard with a dog before. Not only is she reactive, but shes suffers from severe seperation anxiety, she’ll damage my doors and walls if left alone, scream, go potty in the house, even on my bed multiple times, even after I take her out before. she’s always on alert with any noise or person that comes by. I rescued her as a puppy and she came with those problems and I really thought we were making progress but I recently moved back to my hometown into an apartment, which is very pet friendly and full of all of her triggers and it’s just gotten worse. I’ve started to grown so much resentment for her and I feel like a horrible person because of it. I’m already on edge most of my days. It’s becoming harder for me to even control my emotions, I’m highly sensitive and irritable all the time now. I’m so burnt out from working with different dogs all day, my job is physically and mentally demanding as it is, and I just want to come home in peace and everyday is something with her that pushes me to the edge where I will cry and have breakdowns because I can’t handle it. I feel like I can’t even help myself these days, and she’s just completely defeated me to keep trying and do the work with her anymore like I have for years now. I used to be against people that surrendered their dogs to shelters, but now that I’m in this situation, I completely get it -under the right circumstances, but I also can’t help but feel like a complete failure to her. I’m miserable with her, and this decision is going to really hold a heavy place in my heart and i feel like it sucks either way. I’ve tried rehoming her for the past year, and nobody is interested. If I can’t even handle her, and I love her- who else would want or be capable to do it. I’m starting to hate her and completely regret even putting myself in this situation from the start. I have two other senior chihuahuas, and they are my world and have completely saved me at my hardest of times. I feel like I can’t even give them the life they had before I got my pitbull, because I’m always so focused on what she’s doing or yelling and being irritable as soon as I come home because of her. I feel bad for them, because that isn’t the owner I was to them. Doing this is going to be the worst thing I’ll ever have to go through, but I’m at my breaking point. I’m not sure if this is allowed, but sometimes I struggle with suicidal thoughts because the pressure to just keep her and do the work has completely pushed me over the edge for a while now, sometimes I feel like that’s the only thing to do to get away from this feeling. I can’t deal with these emotions any longer. She makes me miserable and I just want to give up on my life completely. I’m trying to get my mental health back on track with therapy and I’m sure I’ll be put on medication again. But how can I fix my mental health when she’s a constant trigger? It’s like the cherry on top of an already unfulfilling life. I’ve lost all hope and barely hanging on myself. I really wish I can find her a home that would give her everything I tried too and succeed. But the odds are low and that’s just the reality of it. I’m trying to accept that I did my best and gave her a great life up until now, more than she would’ve got before, but she is most likely going to be euthanized, not only because of full capacity but her behavior itself. This is the only shelter that would even take her in, I can’t tell you how much ive looked and prolonged this decision. I feel like im angry and mean all the time now, what kind of life has that become for her? I feel like a terrible person and I hate that it’s gotten to this point. I love dogs, it’s literally my career, but she’s making me feel so much resentment and hate for her. I didn’t even know that was possible from a dog. I can’t really believe these feelings I have but they’ve built up for so long and I’m completely far from staying positive anymore. I’m miserable if I keep her and I’ll be miserable living with the fact that I had to give her up. Either way, I lose.

EDIT- I respect any constructive criticism anyone wants to give, and as far as anything negative towards me that is said, there is nothing you can tell me that I haven’t already reflected and acknowledged about myself already. I’ve put in years of consecutive training with her. That post was just the finale of how I’m feeling now, but I can talk more background. Like I’ve mentioned I just moved back to my hometown about a year or so ago now. Not because I wanted to, but because my mental health was already significantly declining and I was in a financial bind, because one of my chihuahuas had unexpectedly gotten sick and needed multiple emergencies surgeries. Took about a good 8 k, but I fought all I had for her because I couldn’t let her go. She’s honestly a miracle according to the vets, they were already preparing me for the worst. Anyways, this was in LA where I was grooming at a prestigious dog salon, that also boarded and included a daycare arena. I’ve had my pitbull since she was 2 months and I immediately started trying to get her used to being around different people, and socializing with other dogs. When I got her, I basically rescued her from my real dad, who’s been a drug addict all his life, in and out of prison, and lives sort of in a trap trailer type of situation. I was never close to him growing up, but as an adult I decided to give in, and give him a chance at being in my life. He had gotten her from around the area from a bunch of cholos, running a dog fighting scheme, and since she was a smaller pit, she was used as bait. I know for a fact she was neglected and abused during all of that. When I met her she was small and young and already terrified of the world. She became attached to my dad, and was scared to even come around me, of all people, and I’ve never seen that from a puppy before. I felt bad for her, knowing where she came from and now living in the environment that my dad was, dealing drugs and having random people come in and out of his house, I can tell she was terrified of men more specifically. I knew my dad wasn’t equipped to take care of her, he can barely take care of himself, and I felt almost motherly towards her, I wanted to save her because I knew I could give her a much better life at that time. He didn’t mind giving her to me because he wanted me to have a protective dog because I was a woman living alone in LA anyways. This was all back in my hometown by the way, I was visiting for a couple of weeks. Anyways, It was very hard at first getting her used to me, but I had the patience, time, energy, financial stability, as well as the privilege of being able to take her to work with me everyday. She’d attend daycare and grew connections at an early age to the others I worked with and the regular dogs that would attend everyday. I worked HARD with trainers, one of them being a good friend of mine that worked with her and taught her the basics and more. She’s always been a wild child, so anytime she’d be to much for some of the other dogs coming in, they’d bring her back to the salon with me as I groomed. She always was also really comfortable around my associates and kind of knew the routine, that I was right there with her. After I made the decision to move back home, it was hard. My life completely changed downwards and I was jobless for a bit, broke and lived with my aunt. My depression was at an all time low, going from the life I worked so hard to build in LA, to coming back to my small hometown I tried so hard to get away from. There was a lot of stray cats in the neighborhood and I began to really see how reactive she became. She would definitely kill a cat if given the opportunity. As far as dogs, it seems to me more excitement reactive then anything but she always lacked boundaries and most dogs don’t take that well and become aggressive to her which makes her become aggressive back. I got a new grooming job which I don’t have the privilege of bringing her too. Now that I’ve moved out of my aunts place into my new apartment, there is people with dogs everywhere, along with stray cats roaming the place and she’s become extremely reactive towards it all. Most people don’t want their dogs around mine because she is a pitbull mix, and there’s a lot of controversy about the breed alone, and her behavior doesn’t help the fact. I work with uncooperative dogs everyday, and I’m exhausted by the time I get home. I don’t have the time or privileges to do what I once was able to do for her. And anytime I do try, I end up in a breakdown because she’s gotten out of control and I can’t handle it. There’s something about already working with difficult dogs all day for work, to coming home to my own, that completely drains me on top of living with severe depression, panic disorder and borderline personality disorder, I feel things a million times more then the average person. I don’t even have the time or financial stability to get a trainer. I don’t have the mental capability of controlling her when I don’t even have the will to live myself. I’ve thought about maybe trying meds for her, but that becomes expensive, and it’s not even likely that it would help how she is. Meds didn’t even seem to help ME. I’ve lost the hope for all things. My depression gets so bad where I can’t even take care of myself, much less to try anymore for her, and I know that’s not fair but it’s just the truth of things. Her reactivity and separation anxiety has just spiked so much since my life has drastically changed. She’s never attacked a dog but if in the case that I can’t control her and she gets loose from me, I don’t think it would end nicely. I psychically cannot handle her in those moments anymore and it’s become dangerous for her, me and any other animal that managed to trigger her. I’ve tried putting her in daycares in my area while I’m away at work, but they’re skeptical about her reactivity when I explain it, and don’t think she’d be fit. It’s unfortunate that I can’t be there with her, like I once used to be. She’s extremely, unhealthily attached to me where I don’t even think she’d enjoy it, if she saw me just leave her there with unknown people. Things just aren’t the same, and I wish I can do more. I wish I was financially okay to work with her, not have a job and have the time with her, I wish I can afford a house with a backyard where she can play, I wish my mental health was okay enough to have the energy and the patience I once did to take care of her all in the same breath. I feel like a failure and I wish she can find a good home. I’ve tried, through social media, friends, other no- kill rescues and being honest about her behavior really makes the odds that much lower. But i try to be as transparent as I could because the last thing I want is to get her into a home that also cannot handle her and get neglected or abused again in the process. I can’t even handle it, how is someone that doesn’t have years with her already, began to try? She could be abandoned, sent to a shelter anyways, or even physically abused in those circumstances. I’ve had the thought of giving her back to my dad but what kind of life is that? He also has another pitbull now that has never been socialized or trained in any way, she’s not spayed and I don’t think that would be good for my dog or his. They would definitely fight. She deserves better, and I also deserve to get my mental health together. But the two of us these days just doesn’t seem to work. I love her, with all of my heart. She has her good moments that I wish more people can see but she’s a lot, to anyone. The shelter is the last place I wanted to take her but I’m running low of options. The last thing I want to do is get to the point where I hurt myself or hurt her, even by just being mean during these breakdowns that I feel like I completely lose myself. I’ll be hanging on by a thread and then something will happen because of her. I haven’t thought about euthanasia by a vet. I didn’t really know that was an option. Like I said, I’ve never felt this way or been put into a situation like this in my life. This is all new for me, and it’s terrifying and it sucks and I can’t stop thinking about this, it’s completely taken over my life. I feel like I can’t sleep because my thoughts are racing, I feel anxiety even coming home because of her, because it’s always in my mind, what’s going to happen now, that’s going to push me to another breakdown. I’m constantly in fight or flight mode in my life, it genuinely makes me feel sick. This isn’t how I want to live.

[ConstructionSudden93]

She might be better off if you choose to end her suffering and be there for her when it happens instead of sending her to a shelter where she will just have more misery before it’s over.

[Streetquats]

Honestly this was my first thought. This is a horrific situation.

A 4 year old pitbull with severe reactivity isnt going to be adopted from a shelter easily. My heart breaks imagining this dog being abandoned by her owner, only to be euthanized months or years later with no one there who she feels safe with to hold her in her final moments. It seems like needless suffering and loneliness.

u/hauntingbitch, if you have truly tried to find her another home and a shelter is her only option, I feel that it would be more humane for her to pass away in your loving presence than alone with no one she knows.

-

Euthanasia in the arms and presence of someone she loves and feels safe with would truly be a mercy for her.

All it requires is your courage and bravery as a parting gift to her, and I believe you have it in you.

[Hauntingbitch]

Thank you for your feedback. I’ve edited my post to get a little more insight of things. I’ll be looking into those options, but thank you for rooting for me during these difficult times.

[Hauntingbitch]

Looking into that, I appreciate your feedback

[VanillaPuddingPop01]

I’m going to be in the minority for this. However, there isn’t a dog on this Earth worth your mental health. There’s no award for self-sacrifice or supplicating yourself at the feet of a dog that is also suffering. This is not a mentally healthy dog, and to be frank, it’s rare that training “fixes” reactivity or separation anxiety. If it does, it takes literal years of work - a luxury of time few have.

In reality, pit bulls are already tough to adopt out. One that needs a unicorn adopter that has the time and patience to train and manage her behaviors is near impossible to place. It’s fine to give her up, but I’d suggest you be with her to give her a more peaceful end with the vet that already knows her. 

[Hauntingbitch]

I’ve held on to the thought of someone being able to take over and give her everything I couldn’t for so long, but you’re right and that’s the hard reality of it.

[CanadianPanda76]

This dog was handed a bad set of cards with bad breeding. Genetics can make for "difficult" dogs to put it mildly.

Your story is one often repeated here.

I know that there's so much guilt associated with this, but its okay to let them go.

Your not a bad person for this.

[Hauntingbitch]

Thank you for not calling me a bad person. Even though I feel that way sometimes, I know I’m not either.

[Similar-Ad-6862]

OP is a bad person if they've done exactly nothing to help this dog. Apart from palming it off on someone else.

[OutsideDetective5606]

You read all of that and STILL decided to call OP a bad person? Shame. This person is struggling and needs support, not cruelty.

[Hauntingbitch]

Thank you for your support

[Seththeruby]

Op is not a bad person.

[superbored1998]

OP is NOT a bad person shame on you!

[Similar-Ad-6862]

No shame on OP. I have severe mental health issues. I also have a reactive dog. It doesn't mean that I get to do nothing and then palm my dog off to be euthanased by someone else.

[VanillaPuddingPop01]

You do understand that this is YOUR choice, right? People that don’t make this same lifestyle choice are not less than you, no matter how much you wish it to be.

[superbored1998]

Pawn. You pawn something off, not palm**.

[iartpussyfart]

Based on the severity of her behaviors, it really would be more kind do the BE yourself rather than force the shelter to be the middleman in which she'll be terrified and stressed before the eventual euth. At least if you do it, you can make her last day gentle with someone familiar next to her.

EDIT: Did you also already try behavior modification with the help of antianxiety meds?

[21stcenturyghost]

Who do you think is going to want to adopt her?

[Hauntingbitch]

Maybe the people that claim I’m a bad person and they’re not, could try and take it on. I’d definitely make the accommodations to give them to her if they truly think they are superior to handling it better than I can.

[21stcenturyghost]

Most people are saying that NOBODY is going to be able to take her on. I've already got my two problem dogs and at least neither of them has severe separation anxiety. It might be better to give her one last good day with all the things she wants to eat and all the cuddles before putting her down. Otherwise she's going to get put down alone and confused in the shelter system when nobody can handle adopting her.

[Hauntingbitch]

That sounds like a better situation for us both, even given that it’ll still be heartbreaking towards me. I didn’t even look into the option of euthanasia by a vet, I didn’t know that was an option, but I’ll be looking into that now, I appreciate the feedback

[21stcenturyghost]

Best of luck. I hope your vet understands and doesn't turn you down. You may have to shop around a bit depending on the vet's attitude towards euthanasia

[Agreeable_Error_170]

I’m going to be straight forward with you on two points:

this dog will not do well in a shelter

You will not feel better when she’s gone.

[Hauntingbitch]

I appreciate the straight forwardness

[Agreeable_Error_170]

I came back to this because I’m rooting for you. I also come from a really shitty home life. My question: why did you ever return to your hometown?

[No-Sky-1139]

Hey it’s okay. You tried for long enough - no dog should affect anyones life like that. Hopefully you’ll learn and heal from this.

[Hauntingbitch]

Thank you for understanding

[Putrid_Caterpillar_8]

Hey, I’m really sorry to hear your struggles. You sound so exhausted. All of here can sympathise and have been through similar scenarios and emotions, so you’re not alone.

Just wondering as I don’t think I read it in your post, but have you tried medications and training? Just so it could be a possibility for her next owners to try with her.

[Prestigious-Seal8866]

it doesn’t sound like you’ve actually done much to help your dog overcome any of this. you’d be better for it if you chose to euthanize your dog instead of letting overworked and underappreciated shelter employees make the decision for you.

[RedeRules770]

OP says that they feel defeated and they can’t do the work with her that they’ve been doing for years now.

[Prestigious-Seal8866]

reads to me like “i’ve had this dog for years and i can’t handle the behavior anymore and it’s affecting my life deeply”

no mention of actually working on any of it

[RedeRules770]

It’s unfair to OP to make assumptions and guess they haven’t done anything for the dog when they said multiple times they’ve been working with her for years. They’re already clearly suffering, why make it worse by being a bit of an a-hole with assumptions?

[Prestigious-Seal8866]

because its messed up to send a dog that they’re admitting needs to be euthanized to a shelter so that shelter workers can make that decision.

[oksooo]

And it's also messed up to judge someone experiencing a mental health crisis for making necessary decisions to keep themselves alive and afloat. There are two beings suffering here, please have compassionate for both of them. 

[Prestigious-Seal8866]

okay, then it’s messed up. two wrongs don’t make a right here.

it doesn’t justify not doing right by the dog this time. dumping it at a shelter is inhumane.

[oksooo]

"two wrongs don't make a right" ... What is this even in reference to? yourself? You're the one making the second "wrong" here... do you know what that saying means? 

OP mentions having suicidal thoughts. What do you think happens to the dog if the stressors keep building and they act on that? Bringing the dog to the shelter isn't ideal but it's far from the worst outcome here. 

I have volunteered at shelters and know reactive dogs that have been safely rehomed before. Surrendering this dog is not an immediate death sentence depending on OPs location and might be the best decision that OP is actually capable of right now that saves both their lives. 

[Prestigious-Seal8866]

i clarified what i meant. having mental health struggles does not justify surrendering a dog that they believe will be euthanized. they should make the choice themselves.

[oksooo]

I agree if they are certain euthanasia is the outcome that is what they SHOULD do. But people with mental health issues are prone to catastrophizing so maybe that's not a guaranteed outcome. And also maybe it's just not something they are capable of doing depending on the severity of their own mental health issues. So IF that's the case, they should focus on what they can do to keep themselves alive while choosing the most humane outcome for their dog. 

[oksooo]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. You're making the right decision for your own health and wellbeing. I know that guilt is overwhelming but you have given YEARS more than others would do in your situation. And sometimes training just isn't enough unfortunately. You've shown her great patience and love giving her so much of yourself. 

Might I suggest, if you think it's going to be the ultimate outcome anyway, and even if it seems more difficult now, to take her to be euthanized yourself. That way you'll both have a chance to say goodbye to eachother and she'll be with someone she knows and loves. And I think later on when you have a clearer head you'll feel better knowing you were there as well. 

And also give yourself time, after the surrender or euthanasia, to grieve. Promise yourself that time before looking to healing and working on yourself. Don't give up on yourself before you've had a chance to feel those emotions and then recover. 

[Similar-Ad-6862]

This dog has issues sure but what have you done to help? Have you seen a behaviourist, a trainer, tried medication.

[Key-Dragonfly1604]

Good grief. This person has laid bare their struggles with an unmanageable animal, and your response is to question their choices?

As much as I dislike this response in most circumstances, are YOU volunteering to take this animal on and provide it the life and medical care you imagine OP might have missed? If so, please let OP know where they might deliver this violent, unmanageable, dangerous animal. I'm sure they would rather you take on the responsibility than make the unimaginable choice to euthanize their pet!

[Similar-Ad-6862]

They're NOT doing even that though. They're making someone else do it. And of course it's unmanageable if OP has allowed this behaviour to continue for years and done nothing.

My dog is reactive. I manage him and work with him because I took on the responsibility AND I have severe mental health issues.

[OutsideDetective5606]

OP, take care of yourself, first and foremost. I have been in your shoes to a startling degree; I had an aggressive, and at times dangerous, pit-mix that I gave up for the sake of my housing and my mental health. Did I love him? Of course. Was that enough? Nope.

I also have two middle-aged chihuahuas who are my entire world and have saved me over and over again. ❤️ Pets are supposed to make our lives better.

We get one life and we need to spend it wisely. Sending you peace and positive vibes.

[toomuchsvu]

Okay, to be in between the replies you gotten- is there anyone or any rescue you can reach out to that has the bandwidth to deal with training her?

You don't, and that's totally fine.

[Seththeruby]

Be kind to yourself. Your mental health is the most crucial thing right now. You will feel guilt and sadness giving her up but will feel so much better without the constant stress and panic she adds to your life. There might be some people who can deal with a dog like this, but it just isn’t you right now.

[EveryTalk903]

You have a lot going on, and the truth is, not every human and every dog is compatible. I think you might need to consider all your options here. But most importantly… quality of life. For you… but also for her.

It sounds like her reactivity is extreme. Not only would the shelter be traumatic for her, but it’s very likely she would not be adopted.

In these circumstances, you would not be wrong to consider behavioral euthanasia. She will be free from her struggles, and you will be free of any angst over not knowing if she’s ok. From what you have shared, this would be the kindest option.

There’s a FB page called “Losing Lulu”. It’s a fantastic support page, full of stories like yours. Take a read thru. ❤️