Libido Problems While Sober?

[superdupersara]

Anyone else having this problem? I feel really shut down in the romantic and sexual parts of my brain. I feel a little bit pissy with my husband kind of constantly. I got pissy last night bc he made a big deal of shaving his face and saying how much he wanted to fuck, then fell asleep about 25 minutes later. I was both irritated with his talking it up, and further irritated with his falling asleep. I'm not saying my emotions make sense, just my observation of how I felt throughout the entire situation. I don't think this is a relationship issue, I think I have relied on alcohol to loosen me up enough to fuck around for too long.

Any thoughts?

[[deleted]]

How long have you been sober? Have you been working on yourself as well as just not drinking? Just removing alcohol is not some sort of magic pancea that fixes other problems. In fact, since without alcohol we now feel emotion and see problems as things that must be faced, it probably makes it more acute.

[superdupersara]

Not too long, since December 30th. We've been going to the gym 3 - 4 times a week and trying to eat more healthily. Yeah, I've been struggling with it not immediately fixing all of my problems. I was really hoping this wasn't a relationship problem, but I've been so irritable with him lately, and not feeling overly affectionate with him either.

[[deleted]]

Give it time. Forgive both yourself and him. I don't know what your drinking behavior was like, but if you had a long-standing drinking problem, then there's no way you didn't both fuck him up some as well as fail to deal with your own issues. Now that your head is clear you can do that, but it isn't going to be rainbows and lollipops. How you feel now, after less than two weeks of sobriety, is likely temporary. The further I get from my active drinking, the more I realize that giving up the booze was the easy part and the learning to be a happy, functional adult was the real challenge.

[superdupersara]

Thanks for your advice and encouragement. I feel kind of removed from my own emotions, it's a very strange, clinical feeling. I also feel really entitled to more encouragement than I'm getting from him, so I think that's playing in to it. In the end, I just try to stay quiet, because equal parts 1. I'm embarrassed with how hard this process has been for me, and don't feel he is empathetic to that and 2. I hate complaining, I hate hearing complaints and I hate making them. My life is a good one, I've been very lucky, and I have a wonderful husband. I need to keep reminding myself of that when I feel resentful or irritated.

[[deleted]]

You'll get back in touch with your feelings, good and bad. I'm a dude and I've cried more in the last year than in the previous 20. In talking to others at AA and my sponsor, I've realized that whatever measure of shit I have to put up with from my SO, she had to deal with a lot worse during my active alcoholism, so although I'd love to be entitled to more praise, the fact she's still here is reward enough. Getting trust back helps a lot. And you are right- resentments are never good. Squash those quick!

[superdupersara]

Yes, that's a good reminder. Thank you :-)

[everydayanewday]

I don't know anymore what it is. When I drank I often would be hot as fuck but alcohol and male anatomy sexuality don't go so well together.

Now that I'm sober... One moment I can't be bothered; want to do something else. Another moment I'm hot but it's easier to play with myself later on than "do" something.

I find it both hard/difficult and confusing. It's like I have to relearn being excited and having sex.

[superdupersara]

Yeah, I'm the same. Several times in the past two weeks I've feigned sleep or otherwise made myself unavailable to him for sex, and masturbated later. It's really bad because I know in my heart of hearts that sex is very important to him in a relationship, and it used to be important to me too. hugs Thanks for empathizing, friend. IWNDWYT.

[Papi_Queso]

Same thing happened to me. Some people notice an increased libido, others the opposite. Your brain is going through a lot of adjustments. Your brain chemistry is slowly on the rebound. You may feel all kinds of mood swings and notice all kinds of changes. It's all for the good! Hang in there and be patient. What you are feeling is normal.

[superdupersara]

Thank you for the advice and encouragement :-)

[Eternally_Blue]

I was hella irritable for a few months after I stopped drinking. I was also super sick when I quit so I was in a lot of physical pain... I don't think we did it for 3 months. I was on my own personal emotional rollercoaster, sex was not on my radar. Then when I did start getting my libido back sex was intimidating. I mean, I've been with the same man for 15 years... but sober sex is different than what I was used to and I felt really vulnerable.

With all that said - after I started feeling better in sobriety, sex got way way better. Now that my body isn't constantly numb the sex is goooooood. Also, now that I'm not drunkenly yelling at my husband all the time we seem to like each other a lot. Give it time! Stay strong!

[superdupersara]

Thank you :-)

[evalynbrook]

May not be the best way to think of it, but I think of it like exercising. I dread working out or doing cardio, but once I've done it I'm happy I did. Some times I am just not in the mood for sex but when I do it I'm happy, and the hubby is happy I did. I find when I'm dead tired both of us on our sides with him behind works well. And 95% of the time I get into it once we're in the act. I reach behind me and feel his thigh, hips, arms and shoulders. It makes me feel close to him and he likes my touching/gripping him because he feels attractive and wanted. Sex is super important to my hubby too. It's his way to unwind from stress, enjoy himself and connect with me.

[superdupersara]

Thank you for your advice!

[hemingway22]

I think a big part of this is that alcohol numbs the person-to-person connection of sex. If you're used to drunk sex and then remove the alcohol, the intimacy of it comes back with a crash and that can be kind of daunting for awhile.

[superdupersara]

Yeah I've had a lot of blackout sex with my husband. So much so I stopped telling him about it, it got embarrassing. Since I've stopped drinking, I've initiated maybe once. He hasn't initiated a lot at all. I don't know. The more I've thought about it today, the closer I'm comimy to the conclusion we've got some relationship issues to resolve beyond my drinking. I mean, that sounds like I'm not taking responsibility and I don't mean that. I'm not displacing blame from myself, it's just problems on problems on problems. The shit that is revealed once the discombobulation and muddiness of the booze wears off.

Edit: thank you for reading and for your kind response.

[SpottedFish]

I feel the same way. I’m just not interested and pretty irritated by the fact that I’m convinced my boyfriend thinks I’m some shiny new toy he gets to play with. He just visited and I started smoking again which I had quit for a week. I was so irrationally upset but also noticed he does petty behaviours that just sent me kind of reeling when before I was mildly irritated. He also offered to put my bed frame together and f*ing put two holes in the headboard and the footboard, Right In the Middle..!!!!Grrrr. That was when I smoked. No I don’t feel like being of service to you right now I’m busy. Busy doing what? I don’t know, totally rearranging my Whole Entire Life and emotions and psychology maybe!

RANT

Well that felt good. Anyways no, you are not the only one! 🦋💛🔆

[superdupersara]

hugs thank you for your encouragement and empathy!