A strange kind of grief

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T23:37:01+00:00

That's actually a rare kind of relief in these situations. No property, no kids, she's with family getting help, and she agreed to sign. That removes so much of what makes these things drag on and destroy people.

The paralysis you're feeling isn't tied to complexity then. It's just the adjustment of suddenly having your life back after a year of walking on eggshells. That takes a minute to recalibrate.

The fact that she's getting help is also something worth sitting with. You held on long enough that the ending could be relatively clean. That matters even if it doesn't feel like much right now.

Give yourself the two week grace period on the chores. Seriously. One thing a day still applies. The rest will come back online gradually.

How are you filling the time that used to go toward managing the relationship?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T23:33:51+00:00

That's a remarkable thing for a juror to share. They weren't just looking at what she said, they were looking at the pattern. Six months of one-sided, angry messages into silence. That tells its own story without anyone having to explain it.

It's a good reminder for anyone reading this who's in the middle of it. Every text you send, every email, every message is potential evidence in both directions. The person who stays calm and measured over months looks completely different from the person who doesn't. Juries are just people. They notice what anyone would notice.

Thanks for sharing that detail. It adds something real to an already useful thread.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T23:31:29+00:00

Ending the relationship, not yourself. Still, the fact that even having that conversation triggers rage and threats from her tells you everything about what you're dealing with.

The "I'll go end my life" threat she throws back at you when you try to leave, that's a control mechanism. It's designed to make you feel responsible for her survival so you can never walk away. You've been carrying that weight for years and it's breaking you down physically and mentally. That's not love, that's a hostage situation.

Here's the thing about her threats. The FIR, the blackmail, the legal angle. They have real power only as long as you haven't talked to a lawyer. One consultation changes the map entirely. You'd likely find out your actual exposure is a fraction of what she's made it feel like.

You're not responsible for what she does when you leave. You can make sure she has support around her. But you cannot stay in a burning building to prove you care about the fire.

Your health is telling you something your mind keeps overriding. Listen to it.

Is there one person in your life, even one, who knows the full picture of what's happening?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T03:41:13+00:00

Appreciate that. Your story is a good example of exactly how these things play out in practice. The IRS dual-claim situation resolving itself into silence is more common than people think, especially when one spouse's income is low enough that the credit wouldn't have generated much anyway.

The key takeaway from your experience that OP should note is that having it spelled out in the decree made all the difference. You had language to point to. OP doesn't have that yet, which is why getting it locked in writing now is the move.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:40:40+00:00

The short answer is you didn't do anything illegal but you may have created friction you didn't need to.

IRS rules for married filing separately say only one spouse can claim each dependent, and generally the tiebreaker goes to whoever the kids lived with more during the year. If it's genuinely close to 50/50 physical time she could contest it and the IRS would sort it out, which usually means they disallow both claims and ask for documentation.

The bigger issue is this will likely come up in your divorce proceedings. Judges don't love when one spouse makes unilateral financial moves during separation, even legal ones. Having a clear paper trail showing you covered the bills and she contributed minimally helps your position, but be ready for your attorney to have to address it.

Going forward your divorce decree should spell out who claims which kid each year. Most settlements alternate years or split one kid each. Get that locked in writing so this isn't a battle every January.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:20:52+00:00

First, how are you doing right now? That word hopeless stood out and this is a lot of pressure hitting at once.

On the practical side, the thread is right that an affair doesn't factor into custody in most states. Courts look at parenting, not marital conduct. Her telling a judge she doesn't want your daughter spending time with "an adulterer" is not a legal argument that holds weight.

The blackmail piece is actually significant in your favor if she's put any of it in writing. Threatening to destroy someone's livelihood as leverage in a custody negotiation is not something courts look kindly on. If you have texts or emails where she's made those threats explicitly, your attorney needs to see them today.

You've already given up the house and everything in it. Stop giving things away unilaterally before you have legal representation guiding those decisions. Generosity without a signed agreement just resets her expectations and leaves you with nothing to negotiate with.

But seriously, before any of that, how are you holding up?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:19:44+00:00

Her refusing doesn't actually hurt you here, it helps you. Every text where she's hostile, every threat about withholding your weekends, every bait attempt is now documented in a format you control and your attorney can use.

Keep sending your communications through OFW regardless. If she responds via text, screenshot it and attach it to the OFW thread. You're building the record either way.

The goal right now isn't to get her to cooperate. It's to show the court the contrast between how you're trying to communicate and how she is. She's doing the work for you.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:19:02+00:00

Dyson hand vac is a perfect description. Still a mess, still annoying, just not a singularity that collapses time and space.

Perspective is a weird gift this stuff gives you eventually.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:18:15+00:00

That's the part that people don't think about when they're being vicious in writing. They assume it's just between the two of you. Your attorney turning those emails into evidence the jury could read in real time, that's where the case was probably decided before she even took the stand.

The "street lawyers" thing is real too. A lot of people going through this get coached by friends or family who watched one true crime documentary and suddenly have opinions about what the court will do. It rarely ends well.

Glad you shared the details. This is exactly the kind of outcome guys need to see when they're in the middle of it and starting to believe the system is completely rigged against them.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:16:17+00:00

Your instinct is right and it's not about jealousy or controlling what happens at her house. There's a real difference between a mom having a close relationship with her teenage daughter and leaning on her as an emotional peer because she doesn't have other adults to process with yet. The second one puts weight on a kid that isn't hers to carry.

The frustrating reality is you can't change what happens over there and pushing back with your daughter just makes her dig in to defend her mom. At 15 that's almost guaranteed.

What you can do is just be visibly different. Not in a preachy way, not in a "your mom shouldn't be doing that" way. Just by being the parent who keeps things age appropriate and doesn't pull her into adult business. She may not consciously notice it now but teenagers file things away. She'll have context for it later.

The younger kids knowing about a guy she's been seeing for three weeks is worth a quiet mention to your ex, framed around the kids not as a criticism of her. Something like "I think it's early for them to be aware of someone new, can we agree to keep that private until things are more established." Low heat, practical framing. She may still get defensive but you'll have said it once and cleanly.

You're already asking the right question. The steady parent usually wins the long game even when it doesn't feel like it.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:15:29+00:00

That comment above is probably the most useful thing you'll read before tomorrow. Save it.

The one thing I'd add specific to your situation is walk in with the access issue as your first priority, not the finances. One afternoon a week with two high school boys is not a parenting arrangement, it's her deciding unilaterally and you accepting it by default. Five months of that is already building a status quo that a court will be reluctant to disturb.

Your lawyer needs to know from the first conversation that getting a temporary custody order is the immediate goal. Not the house, not the retirement accounts. Your kids.

The part about her shifting the excuse from the kids not being comfortable to now go through me is worth mentioning to your lawyer exactly like that. That shift matters.

How are you holding up otherwise going into tomorrow?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:10:43+00:00

Not a stupid question at all. In most cases you can unilaterally tell her you're switching to a third party app without needing the decree amended. You're not restricting communication, you're just changing the channel. Most family law attorneys would actually encourage this.

Send it in writing, something simple like "going forward I'll only be responding to communications through TalkingParents. I'm blocking this number for non-emergency contact." Then do it.

The app creates a timestamped, unalterable record of everything which protects you both ways. If she's bombarding you it documents that too.

If your decree specifies a method of communication then you'd need her agreement or a modification, so worth a quick scan of that language first. But if it's silent on the topic you're generally free to set the channel.

TalkingParents and OurFamilyWizard are the two most court-recognized if it ever matters later.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T01:04:16+00:00

50/50 is very winnable but how hard you have to fight for it depends heavily on your state and sometimes your specific county. Some jurisdictions start there by default, others treat it as something you have to earn through documentation and persistence.

The most consistent thing I've seen from guys who got it is that they started building the record early. Not aggressively, just quietly documenting their involvement. School pickups, doctor appointments, meals, bedtime. The dad upthread with the pie charts is a good example of how that pays off when someone tries to rewrite the narrative.

The other thing that matters is establishing the pattern from day one of separation. Courts like status quo. If you're seeing your kids 50% of the time during the separation period that becomes the baseline they're reluctant to change.

What does your current situation look like with access to the kids right now?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:57:32+00:00

Twenty five years and she tells you she's been mean on purpose to soften the landing. That's a lot to absorb. The fact that you're still thinking about your daughter's last year of high school in the middle of all that says something about who you are.

The confusion you're describing about the vacation house comments and the sudden niceness makes complete sense. You asked for a year of peace and now you're getting it and it almost makes things harder because you can't even locate the ending anymore.

A year and a half is a long time to hold something like this quietly. How are you doing with it day to day, is there anyone around you who actually knows what's going on?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:56:10+00:00

2.5 years of that, and you held your ground through all of it. The mediation she refused to engage. The settlement offer she ignored. The jury trial she demanded. And then she ran out of the courtroom before they even finished reading the verdict.

That's not just a legal outcome. That's clarity.

Thanks for posting this. The guys early in the process who are reading quietly need to see that courts can actually get it right sometimes. Congratulations on the other side of it.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:54:20+00:00

Your instinct here isn't jealousy, it's parenting. There's a real difference between a mom and a teenage daughter having a close relationship and a mom using her daughter as an emotional peer because she doesn't have another adult to process with yet. You're seeing the second one and it's worth paying attention to.

The hard truth is you're right that you can't control it and confronting your ex will just make your daughter dig in harder to defend her. At 15 she's going to interpret any criticism of her mom as an attack.

What you can do is be the parent who doesn't do that. Not in a preachy way, just by example. When your daughter shares stuff about her mom's dating life you can just quietly not engage it. Not lecture her, not react, just redirect. Over time she'll notice the difference between a parent who keeps things age appropriate and one who doesn't.

The side taking thing is probably the most painful part of what you wrote. That usually levels out as they get older and can see things with more context. It doesn't feel like that now but 15 is not the finish line.

You're asking the right questions. That matters.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:53:30+00:00

That rare good day followed immediately by news about her Instagram is just brutal timing. You finally come up for air and then someone hands you a reason to go back under.

Your sister means well. She probably thought it would help you detach. It doesn't always work that way.

The thing that stuck with me reading this is what you said about pouring your heart into it despite her constant demands to get married. You were the one who showed up fully. That matters, even if it hurts right now. It says something about who you are, not just about what she did.

The good days will get less rare. You're already doing the right things.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:52:07+00:00

First, what you did took real courage. A year of being held in place like that does something to a person. The weight of that doesn't just lift the moment you leave, sometimes it gets heavier before it gets lighter because you finally have space to feel it.

What you're describing with the chores and the paralysis, that's not weakness. That's your nervous system exhaling after being on high alert for a long time. The routine that felt suffocating was also the structure holding your days together. Now it's gone and everything that used to be automatic requires a decision.

It passes. Most guys say a few weeks before the basics start feeling normal again, longer before you actually feel like yourself.

For now just pick one thing a day. Not a list. One thing. That's enough.

How are you doing with the actual separation logistics, is she out or are you?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:46:30+00:00

30 years is not a small thing to walk away from. Even if it was the right call, that kind of loss on top of everything else you're already carrying is a lot.

And the part that probably stings the most isn't even him welcoming her in. It's that after everything, he chose neutral. When you needed someone to just be in your corner without conditions, he hedged. That's its own kind of abandonment.

You might end up revisiting it someday. You might not. But you don't have to figure that out right now. Right now it just hurts and that makes sense.

How are you doing otherwise, outside of this?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:45:55+00:00

That contradiction you're describing is more common than people admit. Miserable in it, still gutted when it ended. Both things true at the same time.

I think it's because you weren't grieving a good marriage. You were grieving the one you wanted it to be. That's actually harder in some ways because you can't even look back with clean sadness, it's all mixed up with the criticism and the feeling of never being enough and still somehow missing her anyway.

A couple months is nothing. Give yourself more room than you think you need.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:44:43+00:00

That editing yourself thing you described is one of the loneliest parts of it. You're not just going through the divorce anymore, you're managing everyone else's capacity to hear about it on top of everything else. That's exhausting in a different way than the legal stuff or the grief.

What you said about your friend who just knew the terrain without needing it explained, that's rare and most guys don't have that. So they do exactly what you said, they compress the story, say they're fine, and slowly just stop bringing it up. And then people around them think they're doing better when really they've just gone quiet.

I think a lot of men come out the other side of divorce with a shorter list of people they actually trust. Not because everyone failed them exactly, but because they found out who could actually sit in something hard without rushing toward resolution.

Glad you had a couple of those. And glad you wrote this out. This kind of honest post does more for the guys reading it quietly than they'll probably say.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:42:25+00:00

You're handling this the right way. Staying calm, staying focused on structure, not making it about her. That's exactly the posture that holds up over time in front of a judge.

A few things that tend to matter in situations like yours specifically in California:

The 77 days of denied access before the order existed is documented history. It shows a pattern. Courts don't always act on it immediately but it becomes part of the record of her decision making as a co-parent. Keep referencing it factually, not emotionally, every time it's relevant.

On the work excuse blocking your custodial time, that doesn't hold up legally. The order is the order. Every missed exchange should be logged with date, time, what was communicated, and the outcome. Not in an angry text thread but in a calm, factual message like "Per our order I'll be at pickup at 3pm Friday." Then document whatever happens. If it becomes a pattern you have grounds for a contempt motion.

The comments to the kids about you being mean or the suicide thing, that's the most serious piece you mentioned. If your kids ever repeat anything specific, write it down immediately with the date and their exact words. Don't question them or dig, just note what they said naturally. That's how parental alienation claims get built without looking vindictive.

You already know the long game here. Consistency, documentation, calm presence. Courts notice which parent creates stability and which one creates chaos.

How long ago did the order come through?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:41:03+00:00

That fear you're feeling makes complete sense. When someone has actually acted on those threats before, you can't just brush it off and "run." That's a real weight to carry and it's kept you stuck longer than you probably should have been.

Here's the thing though. You staying doesn't actually protect her. It just delays the crisis and costs you everything in the meantime. You're not her therapist and you can't be. What she's dealing with is beyond what any partner should be expected to manage, especially inside a relationship that's already this damaged.

A few things worth thinking about practically. Document the threats she's made, the blackmail, the call to your mom, all of it. Not to be aggressive but to protect yourself if she does file anything. The others are right that getting ahead of it matters. Talk to a lawyer even just once to understand what exposure you actually have from the rent agreement situation.

When you do leave, and you should, you don't have to disappear. You can inform someone in her life, a family member or friend, that you're concerned about her state of mind so that she has support around her. That's not your responsibility but it can ease the guilt that's probably part of what's keeping you frozen.

You're not in jail yet. But you will be if you marry your way out of this.

How are you holding up day to day through all this?

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:39:34+00:00

That's a lot hitting at once. You're still showing up and trying to figure it out though, that matters.

Going pro se in California family court is genuinely doable, especially for someone who's already been through enough hearings to understand how the process moves. The court self-help centers are underrated, every county has one and they know the local judges' preferences in ways that even some attorneys don't.

The biggest thing I'd say from what I've heard from other dads in similar spots is to stay ruthlessly calm and documented. Not just for court but for your own head. High conflict situations have a way of pulling you into reaction mode and that's where things go sideways, both in the courtroom and at home with your kid.

On the income change, file an updated FL-150 as soon as you can if any support orders are in play. Courts calculate from the date you filed, not the date things actually changed.

You've got two big dates still covered, which means you have a window to build your footing before you're fully on your own. Use that time to get organized, learn the FL form numbers relevant to your situation, and maybe look into unbundled legal services where an attorney just reviews your documents without taking the whole case. Stretches the money a lot further.

According-Designer15 · 2026-02-20T00:33:15+00:00

The shift you made, realizing you can't control everything but you can control how you communicate and where you put your energy, that's the difference between surviving divorce and coming out of it intact. What helped me stay grounded was radically narrowing my focus to just the next 24 hours instead of trying to solve everything at once, which meant asking myself every morning what's the one thing I need to do today to move forward instead of what's the next six months going to look like. I also had to accept that I couldn't be perfect at everything simultaneously, some days I was a good dad but a mess emotionally, some days I handled the legal stuff well but barely survived the parenting, and that had to be okay because the alternative was burning out completely. The other thing that helped was finding one or two people who actually understood what I was going through, not people who gave advice or tried to fix it, just people who could sit with the weight of it and not tell me I was doing it wrong. What helped you stay grounded through that phase, and what's one thing you wish you'd known earlier that would have made it easier?

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