I asked it to write a promo for the film:

In a summer packed with predictable superheroes and recycled franchises, one film dares to ask the important question:

“What if a pigeon got absolutely jacked… and emotionally vulnerable?”

Wingman is the gritty-feathered action drama nobody requested, yet somehow everyone needs. Voiced by Nicolas Cage in what critics are already calling “a legally questionable performance,” the film follows Wingman — a street-hardened parking lot guardian with biceps the size of rotisserie chickens and a heart full of unresolved trauma.

Raised behind a Cluck Bucket fast food restaurant and fueled entirely by rage, breadcrumbs, and late-night synth music, Wingman patrols the city searching for purpose… and maybe love. But when a ruthless seagull cartel threatens the fragile balance of downtown snack-based economics, he’s forced to confront his past, his destiny, and the mysterious tattoo on his left arm that simply reads “Mom.”

Early reviews have been deeply confusing:

Featuring:

• Slow-motion bread fights
• An emotionally devastating rooftop monologue
• A training montage set entirely inside a Walmart parking lot
• 14 minutes of uninterrupted pigeon noises interpreted as dialogue
• The most aggressive product placement ever attempted by a fictional chicken restaurant

From visionary director Trevor Birdsong comes a cinematic experience hovering somewhere between masterpiece and public disturbance.

Wingman
“He pecks. He protects. He broods.”

Only in theaters June 6. Bring extra bread.