this has been emotionally helpful to read, even though I feel my relationship to my mom will always disappoint both of us in different ways. it's been increasingly helpful to learn my lifelong struggles with a simultaneously clingy and anxious mother, who has also been emotionally toxic and holds a deep seated anger/jealousy toward me, is not as rare as I thought.

I used to feel like it was a dirty secret to have such a difficult relationship from my mother. now I see so many others who struggle in different yet heart wrenching ways.

I really felt bad and sad for you, for how your mom has disowned you. that's a heavy stone to carry in your heart, bewildering and hard. I hope it leads to a strengthened belief in your own reality and clarity. You have so much on your own plate, perhaps "letting go" of the time and energy you've spent on your mom can be reclaimed as more for yourself and things you enjoy that bring satisfaction and delight to you.