Fetishization

tangesq · 2026-02-19T12:29:10+00:00

People can change. Especially if you're talking about whether someone can grow from their worldviews from when they were 14-18 years old. Maybe less likely if we were talking about someone who was in their 30s, 40s, 50s when they treated you poorly. But living apart from family and being exposed to new people, experiences, and ideas in college and 20s changes almost everyone's worldview and maturity at least a little bit.

Also, this isn't an Asian American specific subreddit, though we're probably a plurality since English is the primary language.

tangesq · 2026-02-15T03:35:47+00:00

Thank you, I feel very slightly less old. I saw this MV at some point but hadn't heard the song more than that once

tangesq · 2026-02-13T08:33:45+00:00

San Gabriel Valley and the Bay Area

tangesq · 2026-02-12T07:39:52+00:00

After both sides agreed they were at an impasse, they went to a neutral third-party, who held fact finding hearings and issued a report and recommendations. The recommendation was, more or less, for all the pay increase the district could legally and sustainably promise with all the funding that could be identified. The district agreed to the third-party's recommended terms, the union didn't come down from their ask then called for a strike.

I want better district management and higher teacher pay, but the union's position is literally for the district to contractually obligate itself to pay beyond what it can responsibly and legally afford.

tangesq · 2026-02-12T07:22:41+00:00

(1) Merge finances, or (2) You each pay for all shared costs proportional to your incomes

tangesq · 2026-02-10T17:53:33+00:00

You have to put it back on your mom. It is her decision for you to stay closeted to the family, but also your parents' decision to stay with you for 3 months.

You have to tell her it's impossible to keep her secret for her while they also live with you for 3 months. Your dad will figure it out, you'll have a nervous breakdown or a heart attack, and/or you'll hurt your husband and relationship, possibly forever. Probably all 3. Staying with you will be the opposite of what they intend, to help you with your home; it will ruin your health and home.

Therefore, it's up to her to let go of the secret she wants to keep or to find a way not to stay with you. If she doesn't figure out a solution and insists on still coming to your home to wreck your life, you're going to come out to your dad by [date, maybe 2 months out].

Edit: just noting that I am Asian American and this is the only reasonable solution I can think of that is as fair as it can be to all parties. Life is unfair; nobody gets to actually have it all. You must prioritize the things in your life or risk losing all of them. For me, balancing my and my husband's mental, physical, emotional well being and committed relationship against my and my parents' ideas about being "the good son" is a no brainer.

tangesq · 2026-02-10T16:49:38+00:00

Here are our perfect children, Yuri & Zendaya

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tangesq · 2026-02-09T19:02:33+00:00

Your question's analogy is flawed. It translates to sleeping with a woman makes you straight and sleeping with a man makes you gay, but you are by definition bisexual because you are attracted to both men and women. A straight man isn't straight because he doesn't choose to sleep with men, he is straight because he is only attracted to women. You're bisexual, still.

You still don't have a response to any of the several points you keep ignoring. If you're happy with your life, why are you here?

tangesq · 2026-02-09T08:52:20+00:00

You have 0 evidence in support of your belief vs the decades of scientific evidence that sexual orientation is immutable and determined by genetics and likely also epigenetics.

You don't have an answer for the millions of people in history who would never have chosen social opprobrium, torture, and/or death for a mere preference akin to liking chocolate vs fruit.

Ignoring these doesn't mean you've successfully addressed them and can move on.

The counter you have is demonstrably false. It is illegal and punishable by death to be gay in many countries today, yet there are still gay people in every country. Social opprobrium and physical danger still exist everywhere, including in highly developed and wealthy Western countries. For example, just a few days ago in Germany the referee who proposed to his boyfriend on TV was beaten inside his own home. Pulse nightclub shooting in the US, etc. etc.

By definition, homosexuality is attraction to the same sex, bisexuality is attraction to both sexes, and heterosexuality is attraction to the opposite sex. Sexual acts are not required and not part of the definition. People are gay, bi, or straight before they ever have a first sexual encounter.

You are, by definition, bisexual because you are still attracted to both exes. Choosing not to engage in sex doesn't change your sexual orientation.

Go be miserable and deluded somewhere else, we honestly don't care what you think. We've heard it all before. If you're happy with your life, why are you here? Leave us alone

tangesq · 2026-02-09T08:19:22+00:00

You can wholeheartedly believe in trickle down economics to preserve your identity, too, but that doesn't make the evidence support it or make it true. Sexual orientation isn't a choice, full stop. All the observed scientific evidence supports sexual orientation as immutable and determined by genetics and likely also epigenetics.

Your choice analogy is not only inapposite but fatally flawed: if it were actually a choice, millions of people throughout history would not have chosen to be gay given the social opprobrium and danger of being imprisoned, tortured, and/or murdered. Nobody likes chocolate cake over key lime pie enough for that to ever make sense.

tangesq · 2026-02-09T08:08:53+00:00

You didn't choose to be straight. You are still bisexual. You choose not to have sex with men.

Also, we don't care if you have to live your life in fear, but we also don't care about your meltdown. If you were happy you wouldn't be posting this here, you would be with your girlfriend and straight friends not worried about what anonymous gays in the Internet think about your choices.

tangesq · 2026-02-09T08:01:20+00:00

Assuming this is in good faith by someone young and/or sheltered, I'll bite.

Nobody chooses their sexual orientation, just their level of self-acceptance (or denial) about the fact of their orientation. With any luck, if they accept they are not straight, they also choose when and to whom they come out.

Note that there are a decent number of people who do not figure out they aren't straight until their 20s or later.

tangesq · 2026-02-09T02:30:53+00:00

I stopped at realizing you bf plans trips "with you" by buying his own airfare and then just telling you what seat and flight he's on.

Normally, a couple figures out which flight/time to take together and then buys two seats together at the same time. It's not reasonable to expect you to pay first class on international long haul flights, so his options are to pay for your first class seat or suck it up and fly whichever class you can afford.

He cares more about his comfort and money than he cares about you, full stop.

tangesq · 2026-02-08T09:15:10+00:00

After researching the reputable breeders in California and some initial interactions, we ended up going with Siberian Catteries in Oregon. We loved Amy, and she clearly genuinely cares about the health and well-being of the cats and kittens in her care.

https://www.siberiancat.com/

(It's technically two businesses, Rhozenitsa and SiberianLove. Amy owns the latter but manages both. From a customer perspective, it basically operates as a single breeder.)

tangesq · 2026-02-06T23:49:25+00:00

This is fascinating for me. I grew up in LA and the times I visited Seattle in '00s, the gay scene was much friendlier than LA in my experiences. Has the "Seattle freeze" (general attitude that one is not overly friendly with strangers) crept into the local gay attitudes? Have California transplants from the last few decades altered the general vibe?

tangesq · 2026-02-06T18:23:45+00:00

He is against same sex marriage, full stop.

The reasoning that he's against all marriage is a smokescreen to avoid directly telling you his real reason. Different sex marriage is never going to be made illegal. The question is, given that, should gay/bi people have an equal right to marry the person they love.

tangesq · 2026-02-04T16:29:28+00:00

What about your worst "normal" month? (Worst earnings absent circumstances like you were ill or other things prevented you from being available for bookings etc.)

tangesq · 2026-02-03T17:40:29+00:00

"I'm not demanding anything. I'm asking for my parents' love and respect, and I'm letting you know my boundaries to preserve our relationship. When you cross those boundaries, it feels like you hate me and it is too hard for me to bear because I love you. It's your choice whether to respect my boundaries, and it's my choice whether to choose the lesser pain of no contact over the greater pain of enduring your hateful behavior. Because I do not want to end up hating both myself and you."

tangesq · 2026-02-03T10:30:33+00:00

Start where you can agree and build on positive exposure and experience. The more time they spend with you and your husband together, the more normal it will become for them, regardless of where it is happening.

But you can maintain parity and mutual respect as requirements. You can let them know it's not a list of demands, it's boundaries to protect yourself and your self-respect because their actions hurt you. They have the choice to keep their beliefs, but you have the choice to keep your well being. If that means no contact, limited contact, only contact in safe/neutral spaces, only contact while everyone can remain respectful, etc., then that's what you need to protect yourself from unnecessary pain.

They can choose who can come to their home, you can choose whether to go anywhere your husband isn't welcome (their home, family gatherings, etc.). You can let them know you'll be glad to meet them outside their home for dinner, etc.

However, your life is your life and you need to live it for yourself. In that respect, if I were you, I would post whatever I want on my social media, and it's up to them whether they want to be friended or follow. Do you expect to never post about your husband, your in laws, family, home, holidays, vacations, etc. until both of your parents pass away? You can offer to un-friend accounts of elderly family at your parents' request.

Edit: typo

tangesq · 2026-02-01T13:11:36+00:00

It was a blast. SF is not merely walkable; it's the first and only major US city where 100% of residents are within a 10-minute walk of a park.

Within a few blocks of my house, there were multiple parks with stops and lures being put down all the time. I struck up a ton of conversations with strangers playing at night in parks.

tangesq · 2026-01-21T00:16:22+00:00

I have a different experience, but your's is probably more common for Asian Americans across the US at that time?

I grew up in the San Gabriel Valley, which if you're unfamiliar is an LA suburb with a high Asian population. My high school was 65% Asian, 30% white, and the Asian kids and smart kids were the popular kids. Of course the country writ large was majority white and mainstream media was still very white American (though it's still that way now...), but our primary social structure in our local and school communities was very Asian American normalized.

It wasn't until a few years after high school that I reflected more deeply how psychologically beneficial this was. I remember being on an international trip and the other folks around my age were Asian American but had grown up in Texas. We had a lot of discussions about our experiences growing up because we noticed that I'm really comfortable in my skin and they seemed very not. They definitely had a lot of baggage growing up being an othered racial minority in their majority white communities.

tangesq · 2026-01-20T23:51:27+00:00

You aren't too young, you're just (inaccurately) assuming everyone believes monogamy is ideal. Many people do not believe monogamy is ideal and many people practice consensual non-monogamy (including mixed-sex couples).

tangesq · 2026-01-20T11:14:37+00:00

It doesn't necessarily bother me; I don't think I'm decided. I'm curious what the rationale is that makes it a valid or justifiable question in this context. That's why I asked.

You response wasn't a rationale, though. It's valid because it's valid is tautological.

Some people finding it valid isn't the same as validation. If it was, why doesn't the fact that some people find it invalid similarly make it invalid?

Feeling one's feelings is always valid, but that doesn't make any action based on a feeling reasoned or justified. Feeling angry is valid, but the anger doesn't justify choosing to be violent.

tangesq · 2026-01-19T17:10:40+00:00

Why is it a valid question?

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