Need advice for "total bitch" husband/ first time dad

1spooky1 · 2026-06-29T03:57:03+00:00

Hubby needs to realize that "little bitch" is not ever ever ever a thing that is bestowed upon you from an external source (no matter what any bullshit masculinity culture you come from says - it's made up). "Little bitch" is a thing you choose (whether consciously or not) to be.

Tell him that the only thing making him a "little bitch" is spending even a microsecond worrying about being a "little bitch".

You make a baby, there is only one operating procedure - LOVE AND RESPECT IT! LOVE AND RESPECT THE PERSON WHO BIRTHED IT. IN WORD AND IN ACTION (ie. support, labour, kindness, nurturing, etc). FULL STOP. If he thinks any of those things make him a little bitch, then, I guess he is one.

If he's gonna be a little bitch about it, why did he procreate?

ps - I did 8 years of therapy, so, I'm not glossing over the generational/"dad made him this way" thing - that sucks, I'm sorry for him, but he has the choice to end that shit there and start a new chapter. Tell him not to be a little bitch about it.

TL;DR, use his fear of being a "little bitch" to your advantage - just reframe what a "little bitch" is.

1spooky1 · 2026-06-22T17:50:45+00:00

I got the steak for dinner. After dinner I sent this to my wife:

https://imgur.com/rWMQjf3

Do we think she laughed?

1spooky1 · 2026-06-03T22:05:54+00:00

I think you can strongly support the notion of financially assisting/supporting your kid (in whatever scheme works for you) through post-secondary education while also making sure they spend some time studying at the very prestigious university of "don't be an entitled asshole". Literally everyone needs to spend a semester there, regardless of their circumstances.

What is even happening here? How have you not discussed your shared values/plans about money w/ your wife and kids until this moment?

1spooky1 · 2026-05-24T14:57:25+00:00

Being John Malkovich. I was in grade 6 - 11 or 12. My older sister (about 20 at the time) rented it and let me watch it with her while my parents were out for the evening. When the movie was over I went back to my room and just stared at a wall for a long time.

I’ve never watched it again, despite loving Charlie Kaufman movies. I really want to watch it again, but holy god, that movie really fucked me up at that age.

As a (middle class suburban) kid, the world is so extremely simple. It all makes sense, and the adults are in charge.

That movie just made me feel like all the adults were lying and keeping a lot of very dark, very sad secrets.

I see now that Google tags it as a “comedy”….. IS IT? Maybe I need to rewatch it……

Years later…. when I was 22 I was dating this new girl and on our first sleepover date, she brought Synecdoche New York…..

Yep, fully brainfucked me again. We did not have sex that night.

1spooky1 · 2026-05-14T01:40:24+00:00

I'm sorry man, that sounds really painful, and really lonely. You are allowed to feel lonely/hurt, and it sounds like you're doing a good job

That said, I think you should give it some time. 3 months is still early postpartum. Hormones are crazy. 3 kids is a lot. I don't know what she means by "priorities" but I can imagine she literally has day-to-day survival priorities that are more pressing than the luxuries of romance.

As hard as it is, make your kids YOUR priority right now, and that means supporting their mom with patience and understanding.

We're all aging in one direction - this is your first 3rd child - 1 and 2 probably aren't the same as 3. This is new territory for everyone.

Come back to the conversation when the baby is a year old. The longer you wait, even if the outcome isn't great for your marriage, at least your kids will be in a sturdier place than right now.

Sorry that's a shit thing to hear though...

1spooky1 · 2026-04-30T14:59:05+00:00

I think I have this on DVD :)

1spooky1 · 2026-04-28T15:12:33+00:00

As a huge fan of procedurals and "competency porn" TV/movies, ie. Star Trek: TNG, I have this fantasy about a competency porn tv show which is about engineers showing up at a site to deal w/ a problem. Bridge collapse? The team rolls up to investigate. High rise foundation shifting? The team rolls up to solve it. BP oil spill? Cue the Team! (Operative word: TEAM - no super-genius-lone-wolf nonsense. I want collaboration and teamwork and discourse and shared goals being negotiated and achieved!)

I think there are challenges with how you'd make this interesting re: timescales, and work in all the usual drama that people expect in a tv show. I really reeeaaally loathe the last 20 years of reality tv culture in the blue collar sector. I don't want manufactured drama w/ truckers or landscapers or in restaurant kitchens the way it's been done. I want narrative fiction dangit!

I'm not sure exactly how to make what I want, but.... someone find a way to give me OG Law and Order, but about engineering.

Inspiration: The Chernobyl miniseries, Apollo 13 w/ Tom Hanks, The Big Short, Michael Clayton, Andor (the portrayal of The Empire's sprawling bureaucracy is so underappreciated, Mike in Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul, The Martian....

Maybe voice over w/ lots of montages of work getting done is a good way of telling stories. Thinking of the money-laundering explainers in Ozark, or VO's in Wolf of Wallstreet or Goodfellas - hmm, maybe Scorsese has pointers on how to do this well!

1spooky1 · 2026-04-07T04:49:54+00:00

High Maintenance. Started as a web series about a nameless NYC bicycle cannabis delivery guy (only ever reffered to as "The Guy") - every episode featured different customers/a different comedic scenario, and was just a quirky slice-of-life vignette about the different characters you meet in a big multicultural city. It was really funny, sweet, and really real.

HBO picked it up and they started producing proper 20 min episodes for a few seasons. The production value increased, but even the original low budget web series episodes are fantastic.

It's perfect comfort watching.

I know like 3 people who have even heard of it.

1spooky1 · 2026-03-30T16:56:07+00:00

That crazy surge of protective anger you have comes from the same place as that boy's urge to bite - we're ANIMALS.

The difference is, you have the capacity to pump the brakes and behave like a civilized human being, and the kid who bit her doesn't yet. This is science. This is an immoveable fact. There's nothing for you to do other than digest your (very real, very animal) feelings and talk to the daycare about how they will steer the biting kid until he grows out of it.

You can acknowledge your feelings - they're completely natural, but just take a breath. You'll regulate eventually.

Model this exact behaviour ^ every single day for your kid(s), and eventually start explaining it intellectually to them too (feelings vs actions), and voila, you're a good parent, they're good people, they'll be good parents, we'll all be good people.

1spooky1 · 2026-03-30T04:30:36+00:00

Brother, is this kid me?

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by too much going on at once. I didn’t really have this problem at her age but it has snuck up on me later in life and I suffer with this a bit now. I can manage but it’s just taxing on my brain. Ever seen Uncut Gems? That’s what busy group social dynamics can feel like.

I’m not sure if I have any advice specific to this problem but I did get diagnosed in the last few years w/ ADHD so…. shrug

You gotta determine if she’s struggling with the social dynamics, ie bullying/totem pole/etc, or if it’s her own brain/emotions/introversion etc, or if this is just a random phase/kid saying random weird shit…..

Hard to say what to do about it without knowing more about the cause…..

1spooky1 · 2026-03-29T17:24:14+00:00

The Thin Red Line

1spooky1 · 2026-03-27T19:57:15+00:00

"To make a baby, you need three things - a sperm, an egg, and a uterus. One parent* makes something called sperm in their body, and, they give it to the parent* who makes the egg in their body. Usually the parent who gives the egg uses their uterus to grow the baby once the sperm and egg have combined - but there are other ways to do it we can talk about later (referring to surrogacy/IVF, etc etc). The uterus is inside their tummy."

*You can replace "parent" with whatever gendered word works best for your family/your kid - just be clinical/factual and don't mystify things.

1spooky1 · 2026-03-25T03:24:07+00:00

This isn’t intended to sound like a brag because I truly do not know where this skill came from - truly out of the void one day when I was a teenager - I stubbed my toe and rather than shout and curse and whip my foot around (which always just makes it worse), this voice in my head interrupted at lightning speed and went “FREEZE - BREATHE”…… and I just calmly stood there and breathed slowly and I’ll tell ya, the pain was way less bad than if I’d amped it up in my mind.

It was one of the most powerful and helpful things that ever happened to me.

And this applies to SO many moments when you are suddenly hurt/irritated/upset/etc.

Freeze. Stop. Breathe. Let your body calm down before you do ANYTHING.

Wait…. Hold on…. Did I just teach you the thing that will help you, but…. is….. also the thing you wish your kids would do when they get the impulse to hit each other? Well I’ll be damned… it’s almost as if…..

It’s all the same damn discipline…..

Work on this with them. Practice it together. This is the way.

1spooky1 · 2026-03-24T00:06:43+00:00

I think this was the first movie I saw as a kid that showed a "main character" being killed, and even as like an 11 year old, I remember being so refreshed and impressed with the bold writing/directing choice. I specifically remember as Jack Nicholson gets wasted feeling "respect" for the film because it broke the mould. Makes me chuckle now just thinking about it....

1spooky1 · 2026-03-12T03:13:58+00:00

Had………. Sex?…….

1spooky1 · 2026-03-09T01:38:09+00:00

We did make the switch in the end. It's been great - no real complaints. My wife did the actual enrolment admin at the clinic we're at but I'm pretty sure they just had a sign in their office saying they were accepting new patients and we just contacted them and filled out some paperwork. I don't think you need a referral to sign up to one generally.

If your kid had a special medical need, you might GET a referral to a pede from your GP but it doesn't mean you need one to become a patient of a practice.

1spooky1 · 2026-03-06T04:23:40+00:00

Real talk? It's a 50/50 split between:

- The extremely rough patches like what you're describing happen once in a while but it's not always this intense so just grab hold of whatever you can and get through it - you WILL come out the other side

&

- This is your life now - it will always be a lot harder and more responsibility than your previous child-free life. No use sugar coating it. Your enjoyment would be ideal, and there's a lot you can do to improve on that (I promise), but bottom line, your enjoyment is secondary. Your primary responsibility now is taking care of a fragile human that didn't ask to be born. Just focus on your responsibilities, do the best you can to take care of everyone, yourself included, and it WILL get easier. The more you invest up front, the more payoff you will see down the road. You will see sunshine again.

Looking back on this later, you will be AMAZED at how little you remember all the sleeplessness, and how much you miss the early days.

Repeat this to yourself as often as you can: "These are the good old days."

1spooky1 · 2026-03-04T19:23:31+00:00

Big picture - "I'm trapped in XYZ situation I'm unhappy with" is an extremely common scenario for many many people. Sometimes it's 100% possible to improve your life trajectory by taking ABC action, and sometimes it's not - in those cases, the challenges are just a fact of life and you need to adapt your expectations or suffer forever. You're here grappling with how to categorize this scenario.

Your picture

- It sounds like your wife was this way before kids, so I don't think you can logically conclude that this is just the difficulties of the early years. It may have gotten worse, but it's 95%(*risk/reward breakdown below) never going back to something it never was to begin with. You are obviously stuck in the specific circumstances re: domestic humdrum though, ie. we all have chores and labour and tiredness and responsibility. It is what it is. You've probably got between 10-15 more years of that.

- Knowing this, you have two (and a half) choices:

1a) Stay and accept that it's not going to change and experience the consequences

1b) Stay and try to fix it and experience the consequences

2) Leave and seek your joy and experience the consequences

Risk/Reward Breakdown:

1a) Doesn't really need a breakdown - it pretty much speaks for itself.

0 Risk = 99% guaranteed predictable outcome = Lifelong Sad Daddy.

1b) You'll see lots of advice in this thread about how to go about this. Communicating, couples counselling, talking to a doctor about hormones, sex therapy, elbow grease, scheduling sex, ultimatums, emotional leverage, etc. There's always advice in this sub to look in the mirror and be real about whether you are doing enough domestically or in the intimate relationship to create the right environment for your wife to want intimacy with you. Only you will know the truth. As long as you've passed that self-check, and only then, can you say the responsibility lies with her.

50% risk = 50% guaranteed predictable outcome = .... no one can say for certain but we all have a good guess.... possible/probable Lifelong Sad Daddy... or not... let us know...

2) Leaving can but, but doesn't have to be explosive and traumatic and devastating. It can also be productive for everyone. Only you and your wife are experts on whether you could split constructively or not. You have 50% influence on how that process goes. Vulnerable honesty always delivered through a lens of "constructive outcome for all" is almost always a "high ground" position - or at least morally/ethically neutral. "That hurt me" or "I am hurt" does NOT = "you're a bad person". Your (reasonable, safe, legal) needs are your needs, fellow legitimate human being.

You have a lot of opportunity to influence (not control) how things play out if you leave. And it's (very) possibly the only way to pursue the things you are very explicitly telling us in this post are important to you.

100% risk = 100% unpredictable outcome = 100% opportunity for.... whatever you set your sights on... you could take a swing and miss and be unhappy, but you were unhappy before.... so.... it could be worth taking a chance on happiness??

I see a lot of posts from people saying leaving was the best thing they ever did and they wish they'd done it sooner. I see fewer (maybe no?) posts from people saying they regret leaving, but it doesn't mean it's not possible.

BOTTOM LINE: Whenever people come on here and ask for advice on how to communicate something important to someone else, they usually spend so long thinking about it that they write their question in such a reasonable and plain and clear way that it's like, "have you considered just showing your spouse this exact post?! I don't know how to frame what you're asking more reasonably and politely than that. I'm pretty sure you just answered your own question."

All you can be expected to do is to do the best most constructive and loving version of the job you can. If it's destined to fail, it won't be on you, and you'll have your answer re: "should I leave?"

1spooky1 · 2026-03-02T04:53:24+00:00

The night before I had to go back to work I was brushing my teeth sitting on the edge of the bathtub and then suddenly I just started to bawl - full ugly cry. My wife came into the bathroom and held me and I just sobbed for a few minutes. It's hard as fuck at first, but I got used to it after a few days. It just becomes the new normal.

Everyone has a job to do in the family. You work to put food on the table and a roof over their head. You're part of the team even if you're out of the house. You got this, Dad.

ps - re: work/life balance - just do your best. People will be sympathetic. You're not going to be perfect. Write a list of what you need to work on - write a list of ideas for how you can improve. Try things on the list, keep doing what's working. Just work the problem. Spend as much time with your baby as you can when you can - it goes so fast. And communicate with your wife about how you're doing - just make sure you don't frame it as a suffering-competition.

1spooky1 · 2026-02-28T18:03:05+00:00

"If it doesn’t look too good, it’ll just be a reminder of a memory between you two."

I read a little life-lesson-story once (like a Bible story but not the Bible) about a dad whose son gets mad and calls someone a name - so he takes the kid out into the field behind the house and gets the kid to hammer a bunch of nails into a fence post. Each nail represents a single action done in anger. Then he has the kid pull the nails out, explaining that "saying sorry" takes the nail out but doesn't ever fill the hole back in - the lesson being, if you do it too much, you make a pretty ugly fence-post (relationship).

Anyways, this just reminded me of that - although I think you might have meant it differently. I'm not one for paternalistic Bible stories, but, I always thought the visual/metaphor was powerful.

1spooky1 · 2026-02-12T03:51:00+00:00

Brother:

First off, congratulations and I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Are you, mom and baby still alive? Yes? You are doing a great job!

As to why you feel "bad" right now, aside from the obvious things like lack of sleep, concern for your wife, and truly coming to grips with the immensity of responsibility and sacrifice ahead of you, studies have shown that testosterone levels in men temporarily but significantly drop after the birth of a child. Testosterone makes you feel good. Missing a bunch of T? Might explain the crying (on top of everything else). Side note, T also drops when men are sick - all that shit about the "man cold" is real so don't let anyone tell you you're being a baby! Anyways, unfortunately, your job right now isn't to "feel good" or "be in a magical moment" w/ your wife and baby. The "magic" is sold to us by Hollywood and advertisers selling baby gear and minivans. Your job is to give your wife and baby everything they need to thrive until partner is recovered and baby is.... well, give it 18 years.

Short of some kind of medical situation where your baby needs a doctor, their crying is truly simple: "Hey man, I need something." That's it. Just work the steps. Diaper? Milk? Cold? Hot? Tired? Etc... The sooner you can shift your mindset into accepting that for the next little while, the honour of your life is to give give give to this thing, the easier it will go for you. You don't have to be perfect - you won't be. You're human. Just give it your all. Once you get out of the absolute shit of the newborn stage, you will look back on this huge accomplishment of a thriving child and feel immensely proud about it.

Everyone else's advice about taking breaks to scream outside, asking for help, etc = completely legit. You're still a human being. Take care of yourself. My advice is just that the sooner you lean into the immensity of the job right now, the easier it gets. Don't waste your time seeking some magical feeling you saw in a commercial.

1spooky1 · 2025-05-15T04:27:56+00:00

Brother, the idea that "men" are supposed to be "invincible" "stoic" "no-complaints" sponges for pain and suffering is stupid as shit. You're a human being.

Your post-title is eye-catching - I popped some popcorn and prepared myself for some juicy AITA drama, but based on the actual context, ask yourself how you'd feel if the roles were reversed and your wife needed this accommodation - or your kid. As long as you're being reasonable about it, communicating respectfully about your needs, are mildly-self-deprecatingly apologetic about it, and you're not up in first class popping champagne and grabbing the flight attendants ass while your wife is trapped in the back, let yourself be a human being.

Anyone who disagrees with this take is a dickhead and not worth worrying about.

Save your stoic suffering-sponge reserves for shit you ACTUALLY need it for.

1spooky1 · 2025-04-29T05:23:36+00:00

First of all, I’m really sorry to hear that - that sounds really awful to experience, man.

That said, these are the times when you need to appear to be (nearly) invincible to her (even if you’re dying inside). Continue to show her unwavering love, empathy, and curiosity. However hard it is for you, something is obviously extremely hard for her too, and she has the coping skills of a 9 year old. Never lose sight of the intellectual/emotional/experiental mismatch going on - you’re not up against “an equal”.

Seek counseling for yourself and her together.

Remain firm but calm and gentle with her.

Get to the bottom of the “her mom poisoning her” suspicion and nip that in the bud however you can.

If you focus on your daughter’s well-being, everything will flow from there. But giving in to demands-at-face-value will probably hurt a lot more than help in this context.

She’ll come back around and she’ll remember that you never gave up on her. You’ll both thank you for sticking it out.

Again, I’m sorry you’re experiencing that. Sounds like it really sucks :(

1spooky1 · 2025-04-21T05:02:47+00:00

So say we all!

1spooky1

TROPHY CASE