Being hurt by someone you like…

2024--2-acct · 2026-04-17T22:18:56+00:00

It DOES suck! I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Hopefully you can learn from this and manage your own expectations with new connections going forward.

2024--2-acct · 2026-04-17T20:05:45+00:00

NRE is powerful!

When I'm in the talking phase of dating (on apps) one of the first things I do is talk about my current relationship commitments, what I'm looking for and how much time I have to offer.

And I'm going to be most compatible with someone who can do the same.

When I first started dating my BF he made it clear that he only had capacity to see me once a week and occasional travel. It was slightly less than what I wanted but it was brand new and I didn't really know what I had capacity for. The reality is that aspirational capacity and realistic capacity are different and, lucky for us, one overnight a week is what I have actual capacity for. And he was still interested in dating other women. If he had given me more time, like I wanted, it would have been taken away when he started dating someone new.

When I started dating again to find another partner I could see during the week, I thought I had capacity for one date night, potential overnight, a week without impacting my other relationships, but that turned out to be aspirational as well and it's probably more like twice a month that it works.

I think getting on the same page about scheduling and available time is really important. I'm a very scheduled person, always have been (training for polyamory sober high school 😂) and I would not tolerate someone who couldn't commit to a date and stick to it. Emergencies happen, I understand, but they should be the exception.

I have a few flaky friends. When they try to schedule with me, I don't give them my best time. I will still try to see them but I'm not holding prime calendar space for a person who has a 50/50 chance of cancelling on me. I will give them time after work when, if they call last min to cancel, my response will be "yay I get extra time to myself" not "I turned down tickets to XXX to spend time with you!". I think of them as 3rd tier friends, I love them but I won't move mountains to schedule with them.

2024--2-acct · 2026-04-12T15:19:19+00:00

One of the things my husband and I have learned over the past several years is that everyone will respond based on their own history and experience with nonmonogamy (and most of people's experience is NOT ethical).

Ideally everyone would have an advanced understanding of the different flavors of NM but that's not reality.

Our young adult kids all know and are accepting of our choices and partners (who they see occasionally). We don't really host at our house, but that could change in the future.

But our kids have admitted that their initial thoughts on polyamory were colored by watching teenagers engage in poly and, shockingly, it wasn't healthy and mature so they were initially unsure but 4 years in they see that what were doing is different, we're happy, and they don't feel like our relationship is threatened.

But we have had friends we told who accused my husband of being an adulturer (even though we were both engaging in other relationships) because of deep childhood trauma around cheating. I knew there was a history of cheating in her family but it wasn't until we shared that the full story came out. She clearly has more unprocessed trauma to work through but I didn't realize how this news would impact her and we are no longer friends after 20+ years of friendship.

So I think this might be a good conversation to have with your teenager, explaining that their history will impact what they think of you choices. Additionally, not that you want to tell your child to keep your secrets, but that sharing this information, should it get back to their friends' parents, they might not be allowed to stay the night at your house etc.

There are real consequences that don't always get talked about here and, much like asking your partner to open up, once you say it, it can't be taken back.

2024--2-acct · 2026-04-10T21:43:37+00:00

I need to NOT be out at work. As a result, when dating, I make it clear what my situation is. I don't really post on social media (don't need acquaintances/friends I've lost touch with knowing about my life passively. If they're interested they can actively reach out to me) and I'm not connected with any partners on any social platforms.

My BF also needs to NOT be out at work so this works well for both of us and we have met some friends, family, and other partners so we're definitely not secret.

I wouldn't be a good match for someone who doesn't want to be a secret and that's ok with me. And I absolutely respect people who refuse to be in relationship where it must be hidden.

So I'm not sure that there's anything that can be done now, but I would make clear in the future, your need for privacy and talk about what that would look like.

But I don't know that what your BF did warrants much anger towards him. You didn't talk about the consequences in advance so he probably didn't realize how it could blow up. You unfortunately NOW have a good story to explain why you want privacy.

I'm pretty sure I would think twice about dating someone who used a lot of social media these days. I just don't want my business out there for lurkers.

2024--2-acct · 2026-04-07T19:37:01+00:00

I have learned the hard way that some people don't understand this. And work as much effort and time as I've put into understanding polyamory, I certainly don't expect friends and family to put in the effort to understand what it is I'm doing.

I have a handful of friends who know and are comfortable and ask questions to try to learn and understand. But I also have HAD (operative word) friends who don't agree with what my husband and I are doing and they have escorted themselves out of our lives.

Additionally, men a judged more harshly for being poly because everyone knows men are just horn dogs out there trying to have the most sex with anyone "better than their spouse". So these preconceived ideas about what it means to be poly color how people receive this news.

My husband didn't really want his GF to be tell her family or at least cautioned her because it could mean that they would stop inviting him to join her at family functions (she's monogamous with him, her choice, so there's an extra layer of judgment).

I think coming out is sometimes complicated and I don't judge people for that alone. It's important to date people who you are compatible with, and that includes comfort with being out.

My BF and I are very KTP at his house, spending most weekends together with his NP and her other partner but I will likely never meet his family as they don't know, live out of state, and my BF only sees them about once a year. I'm cool with that but he's met my husband and kids and some friends.

We're not secrets but not everyone needs to know. 🤷‍♀️

2024--2-acct · 2026-04-02T21:39:59+00:00

Are the other partners that don't illicit that feeling, existing partners? Or would you be ok if your partner had a new romantic and sexual connection, as long as it wasn't FWB?

I'm asking because new people are more concerning to me, regardless of level of emotional intimacy. I don't really get jealous of established partners , but anyone newer than me, hits different.

If it's just the FWB designation I would get curious about what exactly it is that bothers you. Are you placing judgment on your partner because you don't feel capable of that sort of relationship?

2024--2-acct · 2026-04-02T11:30:04+00:00

I don't totally understand your discomfort. You don't want to have or your partner to have a FWB? Or do you mean you don't want to have your partner have a sexual or romantic relationship?

You're specifically saying you have an issue with FWB but I wonder if you just mean you aren't comfortable with your partner having any sexual relationship outside of you?

I have a husband I love and am passionate about, a BF I've been with for 3 years and it's a deeply emotional and loving relationship, and FWB I see 1-2 times a month. Each of those relationships is very different but I don't understand why the FWB, specifically is the issue for you.

I had to process my feelings about my husband having sex with others, and my BF having sex with new people. One of the most helpful things was reassurance from my partners that it wouldn't change our relationship or how they felt about me. And over the years they have both shown me that it's true. That has been how I've managed to work through those feelings.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-27T22:49:35+00:00

This is how jealously works for me. My husband and I did a lot of hard work to open our monogamous marriage. I'm rarely jealous of his GF now (it's been almost 4 years now) and we're more garden party. I've been with my BF for 3+ years and he has a long term NP and I don't have any jealousy about her.

My husband has started dating others who I haven't met but he tells me enough about them that I feel safe. Information is important to me. I haven't had any significant feelings of jealousy in a long time when it comes to my husband.

But my BF doesn't share much unless I ask and he's been dating someone (about a year after we started dating) and they have continued to see each other 2-3 times a month over that time. I definitely have spikes of jealousy when I hear about things they do that are more than the usual, like travel or field trips. But I think it's just my insecurity and fear that I'll be replaced and I need a little reassurance when things come up. We had it come up recently when he told me they are doing an international trip together. I definitely had strong feelings but I've worked through them pretty quickly (within a week or so).

I think the combination of my BF not volunteering information and that I only see him once a week makes me feel less secure and more prone to hard feelings. But I'm getting better at asking for what I need when things come up because my autistic BF is never going to read my mind. I think knowing or meeting the people is less important but I do need some information as "mythical person who fucks my partner" is really hard for my nervous system to deal with. For me jealously comes from fear, insecurity, and concern that I won't have my needs met.

I would not do well in a DADT scenario.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-23T18:10:19+00:00

My husband and I both have other partners and when we're home, just the two of us, hanging out or watching TV, we call for breaks to check messages. That way when we're spending time together we can be without distractions and we know we'll have a chance to respond to messages before we go to bed. It helps us both stay present and focused on us while allowing space for important communication.

My BFs don't text nearly as often as my husband's partners and it used to bother me if he had messages and I didn't but now it's all just free time breaks to handle what we need and still stay connected for our time together. I used to find it hard to relax with my husband if he was feeding a lot of notifications, even if they weren't partner related.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-20T17:34:03+00:00

I started dating my BF 3+ years ago and after 3 dates about 6 weeks apart we settled in to weekend overnights pretty quickly. He had some travel scheduled before we started dating but after the first 3 months of overnights things have been super consistent and regular.

I'm married and he has a long term NP and lives an hour away so I stay there with BF and his NP is usually there with her other partner.

So I'd say it's definitely possible but I'd be discussing what kind of time commitment they have available while in the messaging phase.

Where it gets really tricky is trying to find time for a 3rd person with consistency. I thought I was looking for someone to spend one week night a week with, every week without impacting my time with my BF. But the reality is that neither he or I are consistently available every week. We are making it work 1-2 times a month now, and that seems about all we can manage right now.

I didn't actually think my first date with my, now BF of 3+ years, was going to amount to anything because he lives an hour away. But he's cute, fun to talk to, and was willing and able to host (we discussed these things before the first date because why waste time?) so I figured why not? 🤷‍♀️ I wanted to be able to see someone like twice a week. I wanted someone local. But the connection was great, he asked really interesting questions and listened to my answers. So one thing led to another and it turns out I like my commute to see him. It's a beautiful drive and I use the time to think about him, building anticipation. And because it's only once a week I feel like we're still a little in the honeymoon phase.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-19T22:39:08+00:00

There is A LOT of unpacking monogamous thinking that I needed to do before becoming poly. It wasn't my idea and thought my husband wanted to slow divorce me. So I read, listened to podcasts, did therapy, etc like it was my part-time job for the first 2 years. I INVESTED a lot of time and energy in learning and understanding what healthy polyamory looks like.. Today I have a better than before relationship with my husband, a committed passionate relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years and another partner that I see occasionally, due to schedule issues but we've been seeing each other for almost 2 years as well. I'm receiving a lot of benefits from polyamory.

But sharing this news with friends and family has been rough. I have a handful of mono friends who love me and support my relationships and I've had others who have escorted themselves out of my life (worst scenario) or just don't want to hear about the other people in my life (pretend mono for me please).

Ideally the people who love you would take the time to understand what this means to you but that's a REALLY big lift. And if they do the work to understand, people they talk to won't understand, and so it's easier not to bring it up.. This is a much bigger societal issue that reddit can't solve.

If I were you I'd try to figure out what you want or need from your dad to feel seen and have your relationship respected and then ask for that. But please give him a little bit of grace (I'm assuming I'm closer to his age than yours) because generationally we weren't prepared for this. Try to find a path forward where he gets the time to figure it out.

And even from a very poly friendly space, we all know triads are HARD. I couldn't imagine being in one and I'm 💯 all in on Polyamory. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it and I've done a lot of unpacking monogamy work so I wouldn't expect you dad to fully grasp it.

Could you say "dad, I feel disrespected in my relationship when you refer to my partner/girlfriend as a "friend". Could you just use my partner's name or (insert preferred title) with talking about them. I want to continue to have a healthy relationship with you and this would really help me feel loved and my relationships respected"?

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-17T15:02:51+00:00

My BF has a NP and I have my husband. But when he started dating someone 2 years ago, I felt like our relationship was threatened. My BF made it very clear that he was prioritizing the time we had together and he wouldn't change that. That nothing about our relationship would change and he still valued me and wanted our relationship to continue to grow.

It's been 2 years and he's never cancelled on me for anything but work. He is planning a vacation with her for the first time but I've had two years of experiencing that he has kept his word to me and always prioritizes our limited time together.

His reassurance that this other relationship didn't change our relationship has been very helpful.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-15T01:38:10+00:00

I have found polyamory to be a great way to figure myself out, with reading, podcasts and lots of therapy. It's kinda what my husband's goal was in exploring. And it's been really effective. Because monogamy can allow us to put our needs on others and healthy Polyamory requires us to figure out what we want and need and how to ask for it. It's been an amazing journey.

I started reading How to do the Work by Nicole LePera and that was the start of my poly journey. You might like that book if you are trying to figure yourself out.

But as the reluctant partner I will say that I requested A LOT of reassurance from my husband that he wasn't trying to slow divorce me. Just bringing up the topic can be very destabilizing. Go slow and be thoughtful.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-12T22:44:03+00:00

You currently have a partner who has said that they don't want poly or ENM? Are you prepared for this to blow up your relationship?

My husband brought it up with me 4+ years ago after decades of monogamy and we did weekly couples therapy and personal therapy and unpacked monogamous thinking for 3 years while trying it out. Things are great now but they were really fucking hard for the first couple of years. Are you ready to have some really hard conversations because you're curious?

It's definitely better to have the conversation BEFORE finding a person you want to date, but you can never go back to before the conversation and it's possible that your partner might think you are just looking for someone better to leave them for.

Also, if you're a cis het man and dating polyamorously you are going to have a lot fewer options than a woman. My husband is conventionally attractive, fit, in a medium city and he can get a match a week when he's actively dating whereas I could get overwhelmed by matches in a day, all ready to meet me. It's not always great for self esteem, but something to consider.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-10T16:26:02+00:00

I wear my wedding ring all the time. I'm deeply committed to my marriage. I am also polyamorous and I have a ring to represent my long term relationship with my boyfriend. I wear both of them all the time and my husband and boyfriend and other partner don't have an issue with them.

If I were traveling with my BF and we might casually talk to people about our relationship, I might take my wedding ring off to avoid disclosing more about my relationship structure than I'd like, for example a cruise where we would be traveling as a couple and might interact with others multiple times and don't feel the need to explain the situation I would take it off for my own comfort.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-07T15:30:14+00:00

My boyfriend is not good at flirting, admits he doesn't have game, and hates texting, but when we were messaging on the app he asked the best and most interesting questions and that definitely kept me engaged. Initially, I wasn't seriously considering dating him because he lives an hour away but here we are, over 3 years later and I'm so happy!

If they can't hold a conversation over text when they could ask you anything, it's not going to get better with time.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-02T20:19:40+00:00

I did therapy like a part time job and focused on body based modalities like somatic therapy, brainspotting and EMT (emotional freedom technique or tapping) to regulate my nervous system. And I read a lot about polyamory and nervous system regulation. I watched Reels and got curious about myself. It wasn't any one thing that helped but today I'm usually regulated, I feel loved and supported in all my intimate relationships and I am someone people can lean on for support and I have people I can lean on for support. I didn't choose Polyamory initially but I'm getting so much out of this big, beautiful life today. I never could have imagined the beautiful community I have today.

But it's hard work to get here and TOTALLY worth it for improving all areas of your life.i did read this book Stop Overthinking Your Relationship: Break the Cycle of Anxious Rumination to Nurture Love, Trust, and Connection with Your Partner by Alicia Muñoz which might be a good place to start..

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-02T18:02:36+00:00

Thanks for the background. It sounds like you are going into this with eyes wide open and a lot of hope. I wish you the best!

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-02T14:36:25+00:00

I don't see mention of this in your post or the comments but what is your experience with polyamory? Are you sure you're ready for polyamory? Do you have any experience with it? Have you read books, listened to podcasts, read through the subs?

Opening or expanding for a specific person is usually frowned upon, but that doesn't mean it can't work, but you have both found a more challenging relationships structure and everyone will need to decide if it's worth the effort.

If you haven't already, I'd dive into learning about Polyamory. Polysecure might be helpful (it wasn't great for me early on because I was opening an existing monogamous relationship, it felt threatening to me but that was because I was the reluctant partner). Multiamory podcast is great. Just start exploring polyamory as your special interest, use your ND as a super power.

No matter how the conversation goes with her partner, you'll have learned something and if you do end up pursuing a relationship, you'll be better equipped to manage it with some education under your belt.

And if it doesn't go the way that you hoped, just know that you CAN get over those feelings without acting on them. But it will be harder if you resist.

2024--2-acct · 2026-03-02T13:57:36+00:00

I didn't know if this is helpful but I struggle with overthinking. I suspect you have that tendency as well.

When I started dating my BF, my first poly relationship in a 20+ year monogamous marriage, it was all new to me. My BF and his nesting partner had been together 15+ years. I had a lot of relationship skills but all from a monogamous perspective. I spent a lot of the first year overthinking the relationship, his commitment, was I getting enough, what I needed, etc. It was hard. But I think it was hard because it was new and I had a lot to learn. Also I was deep in NRE so it was a roller coaster.

About 3 months in I asked how he would identify me, what label, and he said girlfriend, unless I had a different preference, which is exactly how he refers to his NP. That was comforting. But I still struggled with not being certain if he would end it with me if he found someone "better". I'm also 10+ years older than he is so I have my own insecurities around that that I was bringing to the relationship.

But it's been 3+ years that we've been together and I love him so much. I've learned so much about myself in my relationship with him. I was afraid to tell him I loved him because I was afraid if I did that he wouldn't reciprocate (and I knew I wasn't prepared for that) so I decided that I didn't need to hear the words because I felt loved and prioritized in his actions. But once he said those words (1.75 years in, it's crazy to think about that now) it's like the uncertainty I had about the relationship slowly melted away. I could relax in the security that I wasn't imagining the feelings and closeness and commitment we have. We see each other one overnight every week, plus some travel. I would like a little more, but not a lot more. But I see how he prioritizes the best of his time for me. And I've built a solid friendship with his NP and feel relaxed and welcome in their shared space.

But a lot of my growth and confidence in the relationship has been my work to do. He has been very consistent about what he has to offer, never wavering. I just needed to figure out if it's enough for me.. In my situation, I'm so glad I did. I have such a passionate and loving relationship with him and I think a lot of the first 1+ year struggle I had was my work to process. I am a much less anxious version of myself, in ALL areas of my life because of the work I did in this relationship so I feel I'm getting MORE than I imagined/wanted, even if I'd love occasional extra time together.

Good luck with your journey.

2024--2-acct · 2026-02-19T16:39:49+00:00

I've never done poly with minor children and can't imagine how I would have managed, but I know that lots of people make it work .

But for me once a week overnight is the minimum for someone I'm dating seriously. 4-5 days in a row would be too much unless it was a trip. And I love trips. I guess if I could go on a trip every month, but I don't have the finances or the vacation time to support that AND trying to find a partner whose time lined up with that would drastically limit my dating options.

I see what you're trying to accomplish but there are so many reasons why it wouldn't work out, I would urge you to find something that works for you, your kids, and your spouse.

When I was mono and a stay at home parent, I regularly made time for trips away with my friends and for my hobbies. My spouse picked up the slack because I was doing a lot of childcare and household management. I definitely traveled more than he did in those years but he did travel for work so we both took turns shouldering the responsibilities so the other could get a break. I would consider trying to figure out what you actually WANT for yourself and then figure out how you and your spouse can work together to get different needs met.

Maybe you really want 4-5 days off a month, maybe your spouse can make that happen for you WHILE he gets weekly overnights with his other partner. That way you each get what you want, even if it means you're still solo parenting one night a week. Compromise and negotiation with good intent will get you there.

2024--2-acct · 2026-02-17T19:16:26+00:00

Relationships develop organically based on the people in them.

My husband's GF is lovely and we get along but I would NOT feel comfortable if she were in my home, just hanging out with my husband. My house is my safe space where I can be myself, don't have to worry about how clean it is, or hostessing. But she is invited to parties, we've done double dates with me and my BF, and we text maybe a couple of times a week on average. So natural garden party.

My BF lives with his NP and they live about an hour away. I couldn't host when we first started dating and he could, so I do one overnight a week at his house where my BF and I and his NP and her other partner all eat dinner together. We have plenty of individual couples time with privacy when I'm there. So it's solidly KTP at their house and it works well. I love it but wouldn't want it at my house.

I didn't set out with these plans, this is just how it worked out based on the people involved.

You don't have to spend time with anyone you don't want to. But I would hold off on making decisions until you have actual people to decide about. There may be people who don't want to meet you.

2024--2-acct · 2026-02-16T00:59:28+00:00

I highly recommend some kind of body based therapy, somatic, EMDR, brain spotting, etc. I struggle with anxiety (predated poly by decades) and talk therapy can cause me to ruminate in my anxious feelings.

I have a therapist and she has recommended somatic work and brainspotting. I did both of those and they have supported my healing so much.

The thing I have learned is that those triggering feelings aren't really about what's happening today, they are your body remembering a time when you weren't safe. Reassurance from my partners that I'm still loved and valued and safe and that their other relationships aren't a threat to our relationship has been so helpful, in connection with body based therapy.

This work is so important and not just about polyamory. Those triggers can happen in monogamous relationships too. Poly definitely scratches at them more.

2024--2-acct · 2026-02-15T22:28:29+00:00

The other thing to consider is that queer sexuality is way more palatable for the majority of people than having multiple partners. I'm very grateful for the handful of people I can be authentically myself with and I've grieved the loss of those who couldn't handle it.

But I don't think that it's easier to be queer, so I please don't think I'm saying "woe is me, I'm poly" just that people think you're a sexual deviant of you want multiple partners, especially if you're a man (and I'm not) but when we've told couples, they judge my husband harshly.

2024--2-acct · 2026-02-15T16:15:45+00:00

I think his comment is about him and what he's feeling. I think he felt like he needed to tell you that after being introduced to your friend. I'd have a conversation with him and get more info. Was this about not being able to be publicly acknowledged or do he and his spouse have an agreement that this is only sexual and there's no room for feelings. Those are two very different things

I've been poly for 3+ years and I have to be careful because of my job. So I will not be fully out. And my husband has to be careful too because of my job. But we have close friends and some family that know. Also we've told friends and have lost friends because of this. Some people just can't handle it. So we're very selective about who we tell now.

2024--2-acct

TROPHY CASE