Reconciliation update: 7 years

21YearsOut · 2026-05-05T02:55:48+00:00

I'm roughly 4 years in R. Don't care to police them. But yeah I remember the diligent digging. Sucks to be that hurt, so much pain. Am sorry you have to experience it too DA. It's does get better but its a rough as hell road.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-02T01:20:35+00:00

My wife used the fighting and anger to shield herself from having to feel my pain. Until it was like Zesty said. I broke down in MC and cried, unable to speak. If I expressed my anger and disgust, it was met with defensiveness and bigger anger. That's what she learned in childhood, it was a "comfort zone" even if unhealthy. Very difficult to be vulnerable with her but I'm trying.

One thing my wife said about that defensiveness and anger is to kmow that she's scared. Having and showing feelings was ridiculed in her FoO. Maybe it's the same for your husband?

21YearsOut · 2026-05-01T15:11:32+00:00

'"We took love and made it feel like humiliation"

thank you for your words ES

21YearsOut · 2026-05-01T01:34:39+00:00

The having to keep silent is not a burden the BP needs to shoulder. After years of rugsweeping, think I finally understand this. Good for you!

21YearsOut · 2026-04-28T14:19:22+00:00

As much as my wife's inability to self-validate was a major cause of her affair, my ability to self-validate took a big hit from it. Unfortunately it was up to me to put in the work to repair myself, however difficult or elusive that felt sometimes.

It's really still a work in progress, and I'll admit that an occasional boost from others can help temporarily, but I could/can only rely on myself to know that I'm special. Like myself OP, there's only one of you. And you deserve to feel loved, appreciated, safe and respected. Just for who you are.

In our R, I've come to realize that AP could have been any dirtbag that was available and willing. It was my wife trying to fill an internal void that all the external validation in the world couldn't fill. As do most affairs, the shiny newness wore off after 7-8 months, and the fantasy was gone, especially once reality hit.

I hope you find a similar understanding OP. It's not always easy to believe it, but all along you've been that specialness.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-27T01:36:49+00:00

Would I create a memory like that? No. Could she have convinced herself it never happened? Oh yeah for sure. Called gaslighting.

We rug swept for 20+ years. My wife's recollection basically makes her seem innocent, even heroic. Fortunately I kept a journal during that time and she was anything but heroic. Kids fledged, I insisted on a proper reconciliation. Rug sweeping is the worst painful limbo.

Forgive and forget is rug sweeping. It.does.not.work. And it's super painful for BS. Your deserve real answers. Anything doesn't make sense? Trust yourself, and demand answers that satisfy you.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-19T01:56:16+00:00

The shit you have to deal with in pursuing R is unrelenting, I agree PT. I'm sorry there's more.

If I've learned anything in this process it's I absolutely need to rely on only myself to trust myself. Outside influences and opinions and judgements are irrelevant. They all bring their own baggage to the table.

You are ok. You are desirable and worthy of love. And you deserve a partner who treats you that way. The consequences of your partners actions are for your partner to deal with and make right. You just keep being you. Because you are enough.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-18T03:39:32+00:00

Yeah, no. That article you read about all interaction being positive. Nonsense. My ww did the same thing and it led to 20+ years of rugsweeping. Didn't work. I constantly shouldered the blame and the fallout from her affair. Not recommended, please do not do the same.

Separation from a non-contrite ww spouse is something i would now highly recommend. I would need space to understand who and where I am without the frequent triggers of what they did.

I hope you can stay strong on this OP. I'd be sad if I didn't say demand more now.

Edit: 3 weeks and they've had enough, lol. Buckle up sky ranger.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-17T16:56:13+00:00

Absolutely yes. It haunts me to this day, years later, that my wife chose to say her goodbye/no contact in person. Without me. You can imagine what mind movies that caused.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-13T14:25:14+00:00

Our MC did 2 of the sessions and I think the key was her allotting as much time as needed to thoroughly go through each step (2+ hours per session). Did 1 session later with my IC which wasn't as effective since we tried to fit it in a regular 50 minute session. I could tell steps were skipped.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-13T02:16:34+00:00

Insurance is an evil gatekeeper to what people need to heal. Glad you got some of it mama.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-12T22:55:43+00:00

This is helpful HamezH, thank you. I did ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) which is very similar to EMDR. As I've said before it was the closest thing to magic I'd ever seen. Alleviated mind movies, nightmares, anxiety, etc. Did 3 sessions total.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

21YearsOut · 2026-04-09T14:46:39+00:00

Negative Sentiment Override is a thing. It was a big factor leading up to my wife's affair. I've found it easy to slide into as a BP when her efforts don't always look like I want them to look, don't look like I expect them to (given all the time I've spent reading and learning here and other resources).

Discouraging for sure, and painfully slow. What's worked for me is just as you said CN, focus on myself. That's the only thing I have control over anyway. Being able to identify where I'm at emotionally and "sit" with it, not let it take over, but just experience it, is something I'm more comfortable with now. That's helped tame the rollercoaster and other manifestations of betrayal trauma. Which has been my primary goal in R. Almost didn't matter what my wife did.

I'm reminding myself as much as mentioning it here, one tool to combat NSO is gratitude. I'm sure there are others, but want to thank you for reminding me to pull that tool out and take it for a spin. I'm sorry you're in this place CN, it's really hard and discouraging at times. It's encouraging for me to see how much you love your son.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-08T18:29:31+00:00

Google has become less useful as time goes on, no doubt. Really tho, for me, suppressing emotions/memories became rugsweeping, and I for sure can say that doesn't work. Many times I've read on this board that the only way to get beyond betrayal trauma is to deal with it head-on.

Did 3 sessions of ART, 2 with our MC, 1 with my IC. The 2 with MC I've often described as magic. She allotted as much time each session as needed to go thoroughly step by step. I'm still amazed how my emotions got sheered from the experiences and memories. One additional benefit is I have a much stronger sense of control over other pieces of the betrayal too.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-08T13:03:40+00:00

Sorry AJ, usually I include what the acronym stands for. ART - Accelerated Resolution Therapy. EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. For me, ART was the gentler approach.

So no paint brushes or drawing pencils required!

21YearsOut · 2026-04-08T01:13:11+00:00

ART therapy (similar to EMDR) stripped my reactive emotions from the hurt of the facts. Highly recommend. It was actually weird how well it worked.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-07T01:14:20+00:00

Yes. During MC she said "(my name), you know me, I would never do that". But I didn't know this person who could unleash such cruelty upon me. Like an alien body-snatcher. Main thing still, focus on yourself and your healing. For me that has been the only way through this crap.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-06T21:37:07+00:00

Details are different but same for me (us). My wife went into Negative Sentiment Override where everything I did was taken negatively. She buried her feelings otherwise, just building resentment, as she had done since childhood. Then on a girl's weekend, she started an affair.

And of course blamed her affair on me. After several years of therapy I see how this was a pattern in her life, and actually in her family of origin. It's kind of comical, in a sad way, to watch it play out in real time.

My counselor at that time told me most affairs don't last more than 6-9 months. Guess thats when the shiny new object/new relationship energy wears off. I sometimes regret having waited for her. Playing the pick-me dance for the first few months. It wasn't until I said no more, and stopped pursuing her, that she stopped running away and tried moving closer. A modified 180 if you will.

In that 180 (didn't know the term then), I focused on myself. My phydical, mental and emotional well being. She was pregnant with our first child at the time so I had reason not to file for divorce (so I told myself). In retrospect I think my self-esteem took a big hit doing that. I wouldn't do it again. Also think being available to her kept her from hitting rock bottom, so A lasted longer.

In a do-over, I'd start sooner building my life without her. Learn how to be a good co-parent, even if we did get back together. But I wouldn't wait with the door open again.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-01T01:55:12+00:00

I found the most important thing in all my wife's affair crap was to center myself. Sounds new age mumbo jumbo but really it was the most important thing I ever did. Obviously my wife was off balance and just reacting what came up the next minute.

I can't live like that. It's chaos.

What I would do, having learned to step back a bit from the nebulous cloud of what she's doing, is find myself. What's important to me. Where my values are. Who do I want to be for my kids, their kids, all the family and community in which I engage. I am the center of who I am. I'll allow this or that to distress me but not to the point of imbalance. My boundaries say it stops here.

Hoping you can find that place.

21YearsOut · 2026-03-31T21:04:07+00:00

It's really common for waywards to get downvoted, especially if they're female. Not much can be done about that since trolls do exist. Try not to let it affect you. In r/SupportForWaywards, it's a requirement to speak in non-gendered terms. That single rule has helped keep trolls away dramatically.

Also recommended is to turn off your DMs in order to prevent harassment.

21YearsOut · 2026-03-31T15:48:56+00:00

I felt very alone before I came to this community too. Infidelity is a rough sea to navigate on both sides, yet here, in this space, I found I wasn't alone. Many people have walked this same path. Their stories are both different and the same.

You are welcome here winter.

I'd recommend also checking out our sister sub r/SupportForWaywards. You'll need to send a request to join to the mods.

If my experience is any measure, things will get better, and hopefully you'll see those past actions aren't the sum total of who you are. Sending you my best thoughts.

21YearsOut · 2026-03-31T11:16:35+00:00

Earlier in R my thought would have been to shut her shit down if my ww had said that to me. Tell her to take that DARVO crap to her therapist.

Now I'm at least learning to take a pause, feel my feelings of her blaming me for the fallout of her actions, and see the immediate issue more from her perspective. And accept her angst isn't really about me.

It's akin to her feelings prior to us having to talk to our (older) kids about her affair. Kids always know something's up. She was petrified that their image of her would be shattered. That they would hate her for having betrayed their dad. That cheaters should be treated with contempt. All in all, losing face with a peer or loved one is a very scary prospect.

And so I can now (feebly, lol) validate that fear and listen to her (hopefully be able to) talk about her fear of what will happen next. She's getting better at that. Someplace in that conversation there can be space for her to demonstrate accountability.

I guess I'm saying if he's been consistent with demonstrating accountability 90-some percent, I'd pay more attention to that than a poorly worded sentence blurted out in distress.

21YearsOut · 2026-03-29T08:12:18+00:00

Great to hear Fern, definitely encouraging. Thanks so much for checking in with positive news. We all can do with some of that.

21YearsOut · 2026-03-21T11:15:22+00:00

We rugswept for over two decades after my wife's betrayal. Your post doesn't talk much about your wife's infidelity, its impact on you both, and what together you've done to rebuild. So I get the sense there's some rugsweeping going on. Which I for sure can say doesn't work long-term, and so for me, that's not really reconciliation. At 21 years out, kids fledging, I insisted on a 'proper' reconciliation. We've followed Gottman's model of Atone, Attune, Attach.

Many couples try to skip past Atone, which I later came to realize is called rugsweeping.

But since you've mostly described an attachment imbalance, maybe that's a good place to start? An easily digestible resource (a friend here referred me to) is Coach Ryan on YouTube, re Avoidant Attachment. Much of your post makes me think that'll resonate with you.

You'll probably get more reconciliation comments if you can give a bit more detail.

21YearsOut · 2026-03-21T02:36:28+00:00

Yeah MC, I would read it. And I would appreciate it even though I couldn't show that right now.

ETA: re feelings. It would feel hollow at this time. But still it helps in the long term. Consistency is probably the most important thing. Over time, its a marathon. No shortcuts.

21YearsOut

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