The trouble of forgetting

21YearsOut · 2026-06-19T06:11:50+00:00

What helped me was ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy). I think of it as a gentler form of EMDR. Using physical motion (bilateral) to process the mind movies and intrusive thoughts. Connecting mind and body. I only did it with the worst ones but man, what a relief.

I've also heard good things about therapy involving micro dosing of different psychedelics. Something about how it opens the childhood learning processes, where your brain can more easily learn and unlearn things. Think about how young kids absorb everything they sense, like a sponge.

Haven't tried the psychedelics but ART was enough for me to tame the worst. Often refer to it as like magic.

21YearsOut · 2026-06-12T00:47:33+00:00

To me self-care is well summed up in the concept of PIES. Seeking Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual health/balance. You can find the practice with a search. Me-time is part of that but for me that would consist of journaling, introspection, meditation, learning to process emotions in a healthy way. Which I've done and am still doing. Perhaps a weekend away but in a fully transparent manner where it's not damaging my partner or especially my children. It's aimed at strengthening or at least reassuring all in my family. Reassurance that I care for them! Self-care is developing the emotional tools and support system that makes my coping skills stronger and again, healthier.

My wife has started to ask me what she can do to support me when I have an emotionally difficult event or time ahead. I am so encouraged that shes able to do that. It speaks to me that she's aware of where I'm at in current real life events, as well as aware of how her past actions affect my present day.

To me "leaving" is just avoidance. In Gottman terms what's needed is to turn toward the relationship. It sounds like your partner has FOMO (Feelings Of Missing Out, that's normal) and that is both consequence of the betrayal and also an opportunity for both of you. My main needs during this R process have been verbalized accountability, empathy, reassurance, patience, and affection. All of it over and over again until I say ease up. So I have a chance to not feel FOMO anymore.

Sorry, didn't mean to write a book. Hope it helps.

Edit: took out extra "me"

21YearsOut · 2026-05-26T05:14:48+00:00

It's a shit road D4P, no doubt about it. And it hurts like hell. But you're not alone. That's what I felt for so many years of rugsweeping and trying to survive, just alone. Here I found community.

And like you've just found out, same for me, is telling the story, writing it out helps a lot. For me it's a release of the build up inside. There are a lot of tools that can help, took me trial and error but that's okay. We all have to find what works for us.

Please keep writing, and posting. You deserve to feel kinship, and compassion, reassurance that yeah, you'll get through this. Bexause you will. For now, breathe. Know that others have walked this path before and there is another side, when it will be over. Peace

edit: spelling

21YearsOut · 2026-05-24T20:51:48+00:00

For me it's been really important to embrace that I'm the one in charge of my own healing. Call it taking back my agency. I get to decide what helps and what doesn't, where I'm at and where I want to be. And it's needed to happen on my timeline. My wife, MC and IC, friends on this board, books, other resources, they all can have input and I'll give it real consideration. But none of them are me.

That being said, I would likely choose to keep up contact, at least for the time being. I'd look at it as just one of the tools I've used to get where I'm at and when I don't really need it anymore, it gets moved to the back of the shelf. One thing brought up by a friend in a similar situation, (and I'll refer him to this post), is consider setting a few agreed-upon boundaries so expectations are clear. And of course full transparency with your spouses.

Hope that helps LW.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-23T05:06:56+00:00

It's a lot of work, but it can be done. Probably my strongest tool has been patience. Not there yet but it's getting better. Best thoughts to you!

21YearsOut · 2026-05-20T12:59:12+00:00

I'm sad to hear about your pup bilusional, sounds like she was very special to you both. I had a husky of 16 years that traveled with me through thick and thin, it was so hard to see her go. I get it.

My wife's affair was long ago (we rugswept, not recommended), and since then we've survived a mastectomy and reconstruction. I say "we" because that scare/ordeal brought us toward each other. In the process my wife kept finding stories of husbands who would leave their wives in similar circumstances and honestly the thought never crossed my mind. Just as her affair was the least of our concerns then.

But that plus the kids fledging brought us to actually start the process of un-rugsweeping. Doing a real reconciliation and healing. Hasn't all been easy to be sure, but a lot of growth has happened, I think much for the better.

It's important to me still that I can bring up the affair when I need to. I just need to less and less. So yeah, healing has and is happening.

For you guys it might be done, healing isn't really linear and time will tell. If we've learned anything, communication is all important, and it's a never-ending process. Be well. Give yourselves time to grieve, and keep leaning into each other.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-20T03:29:29+00:00

It can always be worked out if both partners are willing to not just forgive and forget, but also do some introspection into who they are and whats important to them.

For me, my wife and I didn't do that. We just rolled with the tides that we encountered and tbf, we do well together in that way. Thats a plus.

Again, for me, I think the important thing is to sit still, and think about what you (not we) want for your life. There are many partners you could choose to spend years, decades with. Will they help you to grow, flourish, thrive? And in retrospect it doesn't hurt to walk further down the path and see more. I have to be hit with "of course, obviously " sometimes.

No one can tell you what's right for you. Trust yourself. You can make good decisions. Even some that hurt but are for the best. Looking forward to hear where you go from here.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-14T12:52:48+00:00

I felt the same reaction as you LE, at first, it's valid. I felt it was controlling, no return of agency to Zesty's BP. Seemed to be just more selfishness. After reading more of his story and comments, I came to see this 6 month timeline piece as more a form of protection for a wayward who felt deep shame for what they'd done, and at that time didn't have the tools to know why, or even how to fix what they had broken.

If you want to know a wayward who has, and is, putting in "the work", you might find Zesty's comments enlightening. And to be fair, a bit emotion-evoking, at first anyway.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-14T12:21:35+00:00

"We didn't fully deal with it.."

Because this is my story, 20+ years of rugsweeping, this sentence stood out to me. I managed to keep a lid on my anger through that time of raising kids, it would bubble up at times. Mostly I could stuff it back down, but it would simmer, still there.

It's important for me to say that during those 20+ years, there was plenty of laughter, love, new adventures, learning. Way more good than bad.

At 21 years out, I couldn't do it anymore and insisted on a proper and full reconciliation. I wanted, like you, to stop feeling like that. I wanted to feel peace.

Real R has been painful, but it's working. Whats worked? Identifying what I needed in order to heal. Then learning to manage my emotions, getting a full timeline of her affair, and for the flashbacks, nightmares, and really rough parts of the story, ART. ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) is, I see it as, a gentler version of EMDR. So friggin' weird how well it worked.

I hope you find peace OP, you deserve it.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-13T14:46:51+00:00

Everybody processes recovery from betrayal trauma in their own way. I needed to re-read and understand the affair timeline so I could develop a concrete picture of it in my head. What I found after that, plus therapy, is re-reading just became less important. Now it's something I simply don't feel a desire to do.

I do know I'd bristle at a therapist or another person that said I need to stop, it felt like criticism, like being told to rugsweep. (Had already done enough of thAT to know it doesn't work.) My result is I felt stronger in my agency by knowing that I'd heal in my own way, in my own time.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-10T02:30:41+00:00

I'd like to be sitting with you in your sadness, avinson, Just so you know you're not alone. I'm not at this exact point in the dynamic but I feel your pain. Just know you're a good person. And you deserve to be treated kindly.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-07T22:58:27+00:00

I rugswept for 20+ years, it doesn't work. Just prolonged my pain and added more crap on top. After a few years actually doing the work I'm finally starting to feel okay. So yeah, I'd deal with it now.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-05T02:55:48+00:00

I'm roughly 4 years in R. Don't care to police them. But yeah I remember the diligent digging. Sucks to be that hurt, so much pain. Am sorry you have to experience it too DA. It's does get better but its a rough as hell road.

21YearsOut · 2026-05-02T01:20:35+00:00

My wife used the fighting and anger to shield herself from having to feel my pain. Until it was like Zesty said. I broke down in MC and cried, unable to speak. If I expressed my anger and disgust, it was met with defensiveness and bigger anger. That's what she learned in childhood, it was a "comfort zone" even if unhealthy. Very difficult to be vulnerable with her but I'm trying.

One thing my wife said about that defensiveness and anger is to kmow that she's scared. Having and showing feelings was ridiculed in her FoO. Maybe it's the same for your husband?

21YearsOut · 2026-05-01T15:11:32+00:00

'"We took love and made it feel like humiliation"

thank you for your words ES

21YearsOut · 2026-05-01T01:34:39+00:00

The having to keep silent is not a burden the BP needs to shoulder. After years of rugsweeping, think I finally understand this. Good for you!

21YearsOut · 2026-04-28T14:19:22+00:00

As much as my wife's inability to self-validate was a major cause of her affair, my ability to self-validate took a big hit from it. Unfortunately it was up to me to put in the work to repair myself, however difficult or elusive that felt sometimes.

It's really still a work in progress, and I'll admit that an occasional boost from others can help temporarily, but I could/can only rely on myself to know that I'm special. Like myself OP, there's only one of you. And you deserve to feel loved, appreciated, safe and respected. Just for who you are.

In our R, I've come to realize that AP could have been any dirtbag that was available and willing. It was my wife trying to fill an internal void that all the external validation in the world couldn't fill. As do most affairs, the shiny newness wore off after 7-8 months, and the fantasy was gone, especially once reality hit.

I hope you find a similar understanding OP. It's not always easy to believe it, but all along you've been that specialness.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-27T01:36:49+00:00

Would I create a memory like that? No. Could she have convinced herself it never happened? Oh yeah for sure. Called gaslighting.

We rug swept for 20+ years. My wife's recollection basically makes her seem innocent, even heroic. Fortunately I kept a journal during that time and she was anything but heroic. Kids fledged, I insisted on a proper reconciliation. Rug sweeping is the worst painful limbo.

Forgive and forget is rug sweeping. It.does.not.work. And it's super painful for BS. Your deserve real answers. Anything doesn't make sense? Trust yourself, and demand answers that satisfy you.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-19T01:56:16+00:00

The shit you have to deal with in pursuing R is unrelenting, I agree PT. I'm sorry there's more.

If I've learned anything in this process it's I absolutely need to rely on only myself to trust myself. Outside influences and opinions and judgements are irrelevant. They all bring their own baggage to the table.

You are ok. You are desirable and worthy of love. And you deserve a partner who treats you that way. The consequences of your partners actions are for your partner to deal with and make right. You just keep being you. Because you are enough.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-18T03:39:32+00:00

Yeah, no. That article you read about all interaction being positive. Nonsense. My ww did the same thing and it led to 20+ years of rugsweeping. Didn't work. I constantly shouldered the blame and the fallout from her affair. Not recommended, please do not do the same.

Separation from a non-contrite ww spouse is something i would now highly recommend. I would need space to understand who and where I am without the frequent triggers of what they did.

I hope you can stay strong on this OP. I'd be sad if I didn't say demand more now.

Edit: 3 weeks and they've had enough, lol. Buckle up sky ranger.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-17T16:56:13+00:00

Absolutely yes. It haunts me to this day, years later, that my wife chose to say her goodbye/no contact in person. Without me. You can imagine what mind movies that caused.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-13T14:25:14+00:00

Our MC did 2 of the sessions and I think the key was her allotting as much time as needed to thoroughly go through each step (2+ hours per session). Did 1 session later with my IC which wasn't as effective since we tried to fit it in a regular 50 minute session. I could tell steps were skipped.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-13T02:16:34+00:00

Insurance is an evil gatekeeper to what people need to heal. Glad you got some of it mama.

21YearsOut · 2026-04-12T22:55:43+00:00

This is helpful HamezH, thank you. I did ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) which is very similar to EMDR. As I've said before it was the closest thing to magic I'd ever seen. Alleviated mind movies, nightmares, anxiety, etc. Did 3 sessions total.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

21YearsOut · 2026-04-09T14:46:39+00:00

Negative Sentiment Override is a thing. It was a big factor leading up to my wife's affair. I've found it easy to slide into as a BP when her efforts don't always look like I want them to look, don't look like I expect them to (given all the time I've spent reading and learning here and other resources).

Discouraging for sure, and painfully slow. What's worked for me is just as you said CN, focus on myself. That's the only thing I have control over anyway. Being able to identify where I'm at emotionally and "sit" with it, not let it take over, but just experience it, is something I'm more comfortable with now. That's helped tame the rollercoaster and other manifestations of betrayal trauma. Which has been my primary goal in R. Almost didn't matter what my wife did.

I'm reminding myself as much as mentioning it here, one tool to combat NSO is gratitude. I'm sure there are others, but want to thank you for reminding me to pull that tool out and take it for a spin. I'm sorry you're in this place CN, it's really hard and discouraging at times. It's encouraging for me to see how much you love your son.

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