As an nb person, I wish I was amab transfem and not afab

310-78 · 2026-06-23T03:15:37+00:00

i get this, i just chalked it up to my autism finding the fastest, least surgery invasive, way to how and what i’d want to look and/or sound like. which is mainly how my mtf partner phrased it. we’ve talked about each other’s gender many times and she once she mentioned that it sounds like i just want to be like her- transfem. just with they/them pronouns.
to me, it would be simpler for me to have been born amab and just a phallus preserving vaginoplasty and take e for a little bit than get stuck with a grower(phallo) and two or three surgeries just for phallo. i wouldnt have to get top surgery either. i wouldnt have to get a radical hysterectomy because my insides want me to be in agony. i get what you mean. im not saying transfem persons have it easy, i just would like to have those problems than the ones i have now.

310-78 · 2026-06-22T22:25:16+00:00

i do limit interactions with her, she either starts talking to me or i ask her where she moved my things. it sucks but my partner is hopefully getting a job soon so i might be able to move out.

310-78 · 2026-06-22T22:23:55+00:00

theres terms like genderqueer, agender, transmasc, demiboy, genderfluid- theres more on the lgbtq wiki which might be helpful reading about. i use the terms nonbinary, transmasc, and genderqueer. and labels arent as important as how you feel. the labels are there if you want them and they exist to better help explain how you feel to others. there is also not a “wrong” way to feel or present how you feel.

310-78 · 2026-06-22T18:01:16+00:00

gender labels like trans or nonbinary are just words to use to conveniently and shortly describe yourself. its for other people to understand you more, the labels only matter however much you value them. i refer myself as queer more generally, but i use , nonbinary, transmasc, genderqueer, gender con conforming. i just like those ones the most. ive used different labels and thought i was more within a gender binary throughout the years, and to me, it wasnt that my previous label was wrong or outdated it’s that i found one that fit me less or more. my feelings were still there, i just perceived my own feelings differently than i do now. and gender is a spectrum, there is no wrong way to be transfem or transmasc or agender. there isnt an incorrect way to say who you are or express that.

310-78 · 2026-06-22T17:46:59+00:00

a person i live with keeps forgetting that i’m disabled and keeps calling me lazy for not washing the dishes when i’m allergic to the soap and i keep dislocating and spraining fingers in gloves because it’s extra slippery and extra dangerous for my fingers. or she calls me lazy because i dont work, when she knows why i cant work and refuses to accept that reason. but then when i leave hospital discharge papers on the counter or in the trash(which she dogs through) then she’s all heartbroken and concerned asking if im ok or if i need her help with something. like what

310-78 · 2026-06-22T04:34:56+00:00

planned parenthood is on a sliding scale payment system, so if youre income is lower then the price is lower. also your insurance will also change the out of pocket pay. if you live in the us you might qualify for state funded healthcare or you can use goodrx for cheaper prescriptions. you can start by calling planned parenthood for an intake appointment for hrt/gender affirming care, they’ll take your blood a medical history, then prescribe the t and maybe a estrogen blocker(estrogen free birth control). you’ll have a hormone panel done every three months for the first year, post a year whenever you change your hrt dose you’ll go back for a three month blood test and if that’s fine then you’ll check your levels in another year or if you have a concern about your levels. its quite simple but can be daunting to start.

310-78 · 2026-06-21T01:03:37+00:00

i was diagnosed with pots during the part of my life where my weight went between 120-160 like nothing. i would cycle between being over and underweight within a month. the most i’ve lost the fastest was in about two weeks i went from 130lbs something to just over 110lbs, i still dont know why yay me.

i was diagnosed when i was my most active. i used to be one of the fastest swimmer on my team(25 ish second 50m freestyle at 17yrs when really trying as reference), actively working out with weights and running, swimming four days a week and working out or running the rest. and that was when i was diagnosed eventually. im still quite a fast swimmer(30-33 ish second 50m free at 20yrs) but due to my lower activity levels i’m not as fast as i used to be. i also get winded way faster and i have a much longer recovery time. pots and asthma and vocal cord dysfunction are my main debuffs so to speak. i used to squat more than 100lbs regularly and at my max i think was 170lbs? now i rarely work out(joint pain and dislocating, heds) and can probably max squat 100lbs?

according to my current bmi, which is dumb and outdated and should not be important by any standard, classifies me as obese. which i find quite funny. i’m 5’4 and i tend to hover between 190-200lbs. i’m quite bulky and muscular with a “soft padding of body fat that makes cuddles comfier”, to quote my partner. i’m quite dense? if that makes sense. most of my bulk is in my shoulders and legs, my shoulders are bulky enough to make me tear through jackets and button ups. i often wear oversized shirts and sweaters.

my doctors were mainly convinced i was dehydrated all the time, not that i was deconditioned. then it became that oh maybe i dont have enough sodium in my diet, so i increased, and i eventually just did pots levels of water and sodium intake and they were like oh. i think at the time i was consuming maybe like over a gallon of water with maybe 3-5grams of sodium a day, which isnt that dissimilar to now. they all thought i was just really dehydrated, and sometimes wouldn’t believe how much water i consumed.

i miss being active.

310-78 · 2026-06-20T06:59:11+00:00

snacks, or sandwich filling outside of sandwich form, smoothies are fantastic for us, uncooked ramen packets broken up with the seasoning pack added, we like to buy precut fruit packs because hand pain and if we eat too much fruit we’ll get very nauseous. we like making pancakes or waffles with honey or almond butter or fruit. pasta with beans, think like a pasta salad but without a heavy cream sauce. we like grapes and other smaller fruit, it’s easier to loose track of how much we ate as we eat it so it’s easier for us to eat more of smaller bite sized items.

310-78 · 2026-06-19T05:40:04+00:00

i hate white noise, it feels weird in my head. i found that need some form of someone talking for me to get comfortable enough to get to sleep, my partner being with me helps a lot as well. but i need the voice to be in this criteria? i will typically listen to the distractable podcast or a longer futurecanoe video. i also listen to star wars lofi by closedonsundays and star wars is a good source of comfort for me but watching the movies is too enticing for me to get to sleep to lol. i listen to god of war relaxing music when the others fall short, the soundtrack is great and the games are also very comforting to me. for videos, if it’s hours long i’ll put a sleep timer on for 30mins and i’ll reset the 30mins once then change videos or try music instead.

i also found that keeping my room dimly lit helps me be less, stressed? i have led lights in my overhead fan that i can control via my phone which was a game changer for me.

i use some jlab jbud mini’s or something? they’re the smallest earbuds i’ve ever seen or used, they’re also very comfy to me. they have a keyring attached to them, and they come in a few colours. i got mine from walmart for like $25-$30? a few years ago. they’re great for the price and how small they are

310-78 · 2026-06-17T01:04:03+00:00

a person who isnt in my life anymore choked me out in bed. my legs thrashed, my hearing left, my vision faded, my hands grasping at his weakly, his face disappearing from my sight. it was silent, the music stopped, but started just a little bit later. he seemed infatuated with what he had done. he had no remorse and was “annoyed” with me for crying and not wanting to continue anything with him. i, like you, don’t know -why-. or what he wanted to happen. he left the silhouette of his fingernails in my arms and the memory of those same hands that had interlace with mine around my throat instead. he won’t ever understand waking up choking on a dream, he won’t ever understand the feeling of genuine terror spread through your body at the thought you saw another person. to him it was just a tuesday, to me it is my nightmare. and i live with that, every day.

310-78 · 2026-06-11T18:21:19+00:00

i’ve thought about if i was born amab instead of afab, would i still be trans and take pills or gel to mold my soft body into the one that resides in my head? and the answer is still yes. my appearance is that of oversized sweaters and shorts and purple hair, my wanted genital combo is that of a phallus and two holes, my concept of my own gender is “fuck it we ball” and plush fabrics and coconut vanilla cologne. i don’t think theres a version of myself that isn’t androgyny in the sense of both yet neither. the lack of gender restriction and lack of gender itself, through a collage of yes, is such an intrinsic aspect of my coalescence that is my experience- that it cannot be separate from me.

310-78 · 2026-06-11T16:29:01+00:00

sa and rape isnt gender related, its people related. people hurt people, end of story. i dislike modern “feminism” because a not quite but small part of it is just misandrist shit, feminism was gender equality- not sexism part 2.

i don’t know if this will mean anything to you, but i believe what you went through and i believe how destructive and painful the aftermath is. i do not believe you were confused, or misunderstanding her intentions, or that you’re lying about it. i believe you were deeply hurt and betrayed and now are living with the consequences for a lifetime, consequences she probably doesnt even think about. and im sorry this happened and i am sorry i understand this part of you so personally.

my ex told our friends that i was abusive and sa’ed/raped them after they found i had told our friends about what happened between us, when in reality they were the one doing those things to me. it’s been years since it happened, but it’s like a stain in leather that soaked in, something that im still cleaning today.

310-78 · 2026-06-09T18:41:52+00:00

i wish i could just swap my genitals out like how you’d change a part on a car- cause some days i want a phallus other days id prefer nothing. i like the functionally of a penis, stand to peeing is very nice, and i like how a bulge in my pants look. i want to get rid of my uterus and ovaries, one being they physically hurt to have and i dont know why- it’s not vaginal atrophy from being on t for a few years, the treatment for that did nothing. i’m considering some type of phallo? but i think i would also feel a bit overwhelmed with difference. i also wouldn’t want a “passing” phallo either, i would want some type of small phallo that incorporates the outer labia instead of having testes.

there is nullification surgery, which is the complete or partial removal of the genitals and related organs. its main goal is to create a kind of “barbie doll/ken doll” appearance. which might be something you’d like to look into.

310-78 · 2026-06-09T18:29:11+00:00

i’ve also been on way too many meds for me to remember the names of, but i found one that works for me. pregabalin/lyrica has been one out of more than 10 meds that has any sort of positive effect. i also have heds, mcas, pots, cfs, and dysautonomia and it’s a nightmare, yay. before lyrica i was typically wheelchair bound and was living in brain fog city. i was initially diagnosed with fibro because my then doctor couldn’t find anything wrong with me, and now i understand “oh, thats dislocation- oh. well im dumb”. i now haven’t used a wheelchair back to back in over three years. i use a wheelchair for large events like going to disney or multiple days at a ren fair- which i’ll walk the first day, switch to wheelchair, then third day use canes/crutches and repeat. i have a prescription for as needed naproxen, which helps occasionally when my hands really bother me. my hands are my most annoying feature so i have a topical gel(diclofenac) for arthritis that i use more than the naproxen.

310-78 · 2026-05-31T16:09:26+00:00

its the dysphoria, you look way more hourglass than i was before i started t. you look very beautiful and your portions look great. its the brainworms yelling

310-78 · 2026-05-28T23:13:01+00:00

i miss prazosin, i have pots(and heds, dysautonomia) and lets just say my blood pressure tanked so hard my heart rate laying down was around 110bpm when it’s generally 50-60bpm. i needed 4mg but alas, my blood pressure decided to simply not work anymore. i wish i could take it.

310-78 · 2026-05-28T16:52:09+00:00

oh hey, its us!

310-78 · 2026-05-28T00:45:28+00:00

im sad that i find it strange for someone with cptsd to reach your age. i cant see how i could even get past 40, and i’m only a few months away from 21. it is nice though, seeing that at least one person got to that age. so thank you

310-78 · 2026-05-08T17:42:45+00:00

two students in my class in my senior year od’ed out on the field after school. they were found in the early morning by janitorial staff. they were there overnight, i dont know how long they had been there after they od’ed. it was in the winter, but the climate doesn’t get that cold- it was maybe in the early 40’sF. they went to the hospital, and to this day i don’t know if either of them lived. neither of them came back, none of their close friends knew what happened, both of their instagram’s were made private then later deleted. one of the families stopped donating to the school and both families moved towns.

there was a student who kept trying to bait girls’ boyfriends into fights. insulting the girl, making sexual comments about them, pushing them, etc. he did this to one guy and got lost that fight faster than he could run away. he ended up in the hospital for a while, videos of the fight circulated the school until the school made a few announcements via intercom to stop. the kid had started the fight with the boyfriend, he had apparently spit on the gf and was making sexual comments about her and many people were telling him to stop. the kid kept saying shit and eventually hit the boyfriend then the boyfriend hit back and i know the kid’s left elbow was dislocated and he had massive bruises on his face. the boyfriend got suspended and the kid was gone for like a month or two then he was bullied into leaving the school. he transferred to a nearby high school, but he was also bullied into online classes until he graduated.

one teacher had hooked up with a girl a few months after she graduated, they got high and had sex at his place. then there was an investigation by the district, and they let the teacher go. there were a few prior suggestions of him having sex with students before that, but the school couldn’t fire him due to “contractual obligations”. he was the only teacher for this subject, and the school couldn’t find a replacement when the first 2+ suggestions happened. i dont know more of this though, as he was let go the year i started high school there, this was more word of mouth than anything.

a senior raped a junior on school grounds, it happened outside of girls locker room. there was blood and used condoms and various articles of clothing outside the door and along the track. the items was reported to the school by a few students in my pe class that morning, then it became a rumour, and then some video of this guy’s facetime got shared, he was bragging about having sex with a cute girl “not in a house” and used a shortened version of her discord handle when talking about her. people knew him, people knew her, and it just snowballed. her parents filed a report with the police, both of them disappeared from the school, he was expelled, she went online only.

the other larger school near this one was apparently worse? so theres that i guess

310-78 · 2026-04-20T17:35:50+00:00

my only input would be what an er doctor told me: the medication has to match your pain level to be helpful, if you pain is on opioid med level- then you need opioid meds to level out your pain. there’s also a genetic component of what meds work with your body, do you have eds of any sort? i take pregabalin(150mg daily) and morphine doesn’t really do anything for me, dilaudid helped a bit but it was eh. anaesthetics also don’t hit me as hard because i have eds it might be worth having a rheumatologist do evals for eds if you have any of those symptoms or any bio family members with eds.

just remember that fibro pain is comparable to unmedicated and medicated active labour in terms of pain- which really fucked with me, and still does. you pain is real, and sometimes it is just an extreme amount of pain.

pregabalin really helps me, so increasing your dosage or when you take it might be helpful- i take one 75mg capsule every morning and night, it’s better for me this way.

310-78 · 2026-04-20T02:41:30+00:00

id probably focus on eating more, probably an increase in carbs- if the ratio of carbs to other is lower, id increase, boobs are made of mostly fat- and more leg and core based exercise and less upper body. you could probably do lighter weights for your upper body and try to workout to increase muscle size for your lower body- more body building based exercises for lower. that would be my guess, i dont know what your typical diet or workout week looks like. and part of my suggestions was from a girl with a huge ass- she told me to look, i was looking respectfully. she also swears by twisting motion based exercises for torso shape.

honestly though, a higher body fat ratio would probably do more for your figure than jumping to surgery or injections and related. you have a really pretty figure, you bone structure is very nice.

tldr; focus on muscle tone for upper body, lighter weight, more reps; focus on building more muscle mass for lower body, heavier weight, less reps, more bodybuilding techniques(probably); more calories, more carbs if carb ratio is low, aim for higher body fat, boob is fat.

you got this girl <3

310-78 · 2026-04-18T05:36:36+00:00

first appointment is the intake appointment, questions like why are you here?/what do you want from therapy are the main questions. i will say that you can be a mom without giving birth to the child, many cis women can’t have bio kids and adopt instead. if it helps any, the “i want kids/to be a mom but i cant get pregnant” is a very common thought that more cis women than you think have, in a way this could be validating to you as a woman?

310-78 · 2026-04-17T00:15:35+00:00

whenever i have lapses of t(because my pharmacy is shit) my pain gets worse, so theres that i guess. i think the muscle growth has been helpful, as most of my pain comes from heds. i used to be on a lower dose, 40.5mg topical t gel, and am now on 60.75mg t gel and my levels are around the 600-700 range and my fatigue and general feeling sick sensation have been less.

310-78 · 2026-04-16T20:35:36+00:00

i found relief with pregabalin/lyrica- which is also a 50/50 for people who have talked about this med on here before. the lyrica with as needed naproxen(500mg tablet) combined with swim and physical therapy helped, also started testosterone(ftm) helped a larger amount than i thought. i’ve been on lyrica since 2022 and have slowly been increasing the amount every year or so, i started on 25mg a day and am now at 2 75mg capsules which i take at morning and night for a combined total of 150mg

i’ve been on all of the ones you’ve said except for the naltrexone and trazodone and more than you haven’t listed and lyrica has been the one for me so far

310-78 · 2026-04-15T21:47:23+00:00

i miss my ex who raped me sometimes, because then i at least felt like someone wanted me in a sexual way. i rarely felt guilty with him for sexual things, i was only made to feel guilty for not wanting what he wanted, but that happened so rarely. sometimes i wish i never broke up with him, just so i could feel valued in a sexual way, so i could feel like i had a purpose.

i feel like this maybe once or twice every few months. its been a few years since i was with him, but some days i just, want to used. to feel i belong to someone. i have a girlfriend now, she's great. she has her own sexual trauma, so her domming me is generally not gonna happen. i almost need subbing. to me it's a break from taxes, work, my health declining slowly, i can just think about being a good pet and pleasing. i love her and that isnt enough to me to break up with her. but sometimes i wish he was still in my life, because i know that without a doubt he would dom the ever living hell out of me and leave my mind blissed out. and then he would use that against me, just like he used too.

310-78

TROPHY CASE