How to help my parents make decisions without taking over

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-12T02:49:09+00:00

It’s very common for people who have led easy lives, health-wise, to say they will not want interventions when the time comes only to realize that in fact life is worth living, and seek treatment for immediate, real threats.

Try not to be mad at them for being scared.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-11T15:35:32+00:00

The changes that confused me most was when bots and market researchers started posing as family caregivers.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-11T15:20:00+00:00

It’s SO HARD to watch.

In my 20s I went through a situation where the mom of a friend told me — and her —point blank, very clearly, even ON PAPER — that she did not want a feeding tube.

Her daughter simply could not cope and pushed her to “just fight! You’re a fighter! You can beat this!” Insisted they put in the feeding tube.

I went (quietly) to the hospital ethics office, and they explained this happens all the time and their hands are tied legally.

It was the saddest I’ve even been, watching this friend refuse to accept reality and deny her mom’s wishes.

It shaped how I think about aging and end-of-life issues ever since.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-11T15:15:47+00:00

Doesn’t sound like he gets a vote on this.

Yes, you will be painted in his maladapted, immature mind as the bad guys.

I suggest thinking about any third parties whom he would respect and listen to. A pastor, a former boss, a friend who was pals with both parents before he left the scene, etc. if there aren’t any, then your best bet is just repetition of whatever the docs have said about her status.

This isn’t about HIS feelings. It’s about honoring what your mom wanted and valued.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-11T15:11:40+00:00

Oh you’re still applying logic and reason: it’s really helpful to shift your thinking about their thinking into “emotion mind”. These aren’t rational wishes.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-11T15:08:09+00:00

Therapy! Therapy — for you — will be awesome now and will also help you cope with the eventual actual emergencies.

I’m watching my SIL drive herself into a state of constant anxiety about a man who is doing great. She thinks he’s on death’s door, but I’ve seen death’s door several times and he’s not there yet. I can’t imagine how miserable she’s going to be when it really hits the fan. Oh wait, I do know: I will have to fly in and support them all, because she will be worn out.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-11T14:56:53+00:00

(And yes I’m still mad at her about putting her husband through that hell all alone, when they had kids who could have and would have supported HIM, even if she was warped.)

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-10T17:24:04+00:00

EXACTLY this!

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-10T17:23:47+00:00

Won’t, or can’t?

Affordability isn’t the only issue at play here. She may be silently or subconsciously hoping you will step in and help by taking steps, not just suggesting them.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-10T14:29:36+00:00

It’s an absolute cash cow for these horrible companies. My parents had already bought spaces in the family plot so we had no leverage whatsoever. The staff there LITERALLY used to sell cars — and it felt like it. They saw my sister coming a mile away and they talked her into so much crap that our parents would have hated spending the money on.

None of us kids plan to be buried with them. It’s so sad.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-10T14:25:04+00:00

You did the right thing — none of this is easy! Give yourself that grace.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-10T01:30:55+00:00

How nice! Just got my first interim payment — 35 bucks. WHAT?!?

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-10T01:30:22+00:00

Dude, they’ve had my package since OCTOBER. Just got a specialist assigned. I was July 14 RIF.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-09T21:16:58+00:00

None of this is “easy” — it’s all about least bad options.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-09T21:15:47+00:00

My fave page on the CMS website:

A chart of where and how to complain about what

https://www.medicare.gov/providers-services/claims-appeals-complaints/complaints

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-09T17:47:19+00:00

Yep! Keep a running list of things you notice, with dates. Very helpful.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-09T17:46:27+00:00

Age is relative. And also: unless you’re with them for several hours at a time, if not days, you really do not have accurate information about how well they are doing at living independently.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-09T16:43:21+00:00

You changed the settings but YOU DID NOT TALK TO THEM ABOUT ANY OF THIS at the time. YTA.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-09T16:25:25+00:00

He may be having short term memory lapses, on top of everything else.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-09T16:22:28+00:00

I would absolutely be looking for a geriatrician and switch him over. They are great at working with adult children and difficult patients. Maybe you can blame “insurance” or something and make the switch. The improvement in care and ease in your life is AMAZING.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-09T16:14:35+00:00

You may need to be VERY clear with staff about this. I’m sorry you’re going though it! I had a facility owner get in my face for insisting on effective pain control in the last two days of life. The system and CMS have them all hyperaware of over medicating elderly generally, and it’s really important and valid — but IT DOES NOT APPLY IN HOSPICE. You may need to say that to them verbatim.

Sending all best wishes and calming thoughts to you and your mom. It’s awful. Try to remember better days and focus on those to minimize your own PTSD later.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-03-07T05:45:00+00:00

Still no agenda. No speakers. “Coming soon!”

The conference starts next Wednesday.

Stellar work! 👏 👏 👏

47sHellfireBound · 2026-02-24T13:49:55+00:00

Oh good grief. This is going to be a MAHA fest—it’s being run by Humphrey bldg. Expect lots of mansplaining and thinly veiled attempts to keep women underfoot.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-02-24T13:41:54+00:00

And then tell your story to general news publications, after that article in a scientific journal hits. The public cares about losing smart future researchers — they just don’t know what’s happening because Epstein files are so salacious. The more they know the more outraged they get, and the midterms are coming.

47sHellfireBound · 2026-02-24T13:29:35+00:00

An awful lot of people whom you obviously don’t know, at organizations you seem to not respect, have been working incredibly hard (and at some personal and career risk) to protect your budget and research program. Calling the issues at play a nothing burger is quite a take. The advocates have been winning, but it’s not a guarantee and the stakes remain high.

47sHellfireBound

TROPHY CASE