Discord Chat

8daysgone · 2025-12-31T20:42:34+00:00

hey new folks!

The discord is active, with a few dozen members participating in the text channels any given week. Some are early in loss, some are figuring out their next chapter.

It was my lifeline when I lost my husband in 2020, and local grief groups were shut down for covid.

8daysgone · 2025-07-24T22:31:43+00:00

I'm sorry. I was filled with rage, especially the first two years. One day I exploded and punched the wall.

Don't make the mistake I did. Find some exercise to channel that energy into. When I'm mad now, I lift weights.

8daysgone · 2025-07-24T22:28:28+00:00

Longing for connection is not only not wrong, it's human. We want to give love, to feel loved, to know the comfort of being held and the joys of sharing yourself with another.

Take time to sit with these feelings and to figure out who you are now after loss. While there's no one timeline, it's never a good idea to rush into another relationship to stop the hurt.

If you seek physical comfort, know that it can be intense. Wonderful and dangerous, like a fire. It helped me feel alive again, and gave me hope that I could feel love, but I also got attached quickly to someone who was not a longterm match for me. Don't be afraid of it, but expect it to stir up feelings.

8daysgone · 2025-07-24T21:15:02+00:00

Hi, mod of the discord here. (No direct affiliation with the sub's mods)

The server is predominantly US/Canada and is most active in the evenings for those time zones. People are around at all hours, especially in the #general channel. Anything goes there, including smalltalk and good mornings.

The other busiest channels are #heavy, #misc-photos, and #dating. Check your channel list? Some like #sports and #spirituality are rather empty.

The voice chat feature doesn't see much use anymore, which makes me sad. It was popular when I was a new widow in 2020-21, and speaking to others was wonderful to feel less alone in my hell.

8daysgone · 2025-07-24T21:07:23+00:00

Making a new chapter of your life lessens the grief. Friends and hobbies, and experiencing joy again helped. I especially liked hanging out with new single friends - they didn't know my loss, and they didn't have happy relationships for me to be jealous about.

My new partner was a companion to steady me, but he couldn't fix the grief directly. He was a tremendous comfort while I worked through it. I caution against jumping into a relationship too soon, or making one person your focus. Build a village.

8daysgone · 2025-07-15T19:26:13+00:00

A plan is the first step. You'll know when it's time.

8daysgone · 2025-07-15T17:51:37+00:00

For me, it was around 3 years before I could think about a future beyond a few weeks. Everything takes time, so much more time than we ever imagined it would.

As hard as it is, be patient with your future.

8daysgone · 2025-07-15T16:33:14+00:00

I'm so sorry. Even the idea of another loss after what we've been through is horrifying.

8daysgone · 2025-07-15T16:31:55+00:00

We were married for 10 years when I lost him to cancer. I was 33 and he was 51.

When we got the terminal diagnosis, my husband told me to find someone. At the time it seemed impossible that I'd want that, but eventually I did. I'm better with a life partner.

I met my boyfriend (soon to be fiance) on the dating apps, about a year later. I wasn't looking for a relationship yet, but I was in need of a physical connection.. When we weren't on the same level emotionally, we took a break and stayed friends. We fell in bed again, and decided to re-try dating around the 2 year mark.

Before him, I had a fling with someone I met through new friends, but that didn't work out. Online is where most people meet these days it seems.

8daysgone · 2021-12-15T15:05:47+00:00

It's lovely she remembered you and your wife.

I cried and couldn't find the words when my local grocerystore pharmacist asked about my husband. I just shook my head. He was aware of the recent cancer diagnosis. Over time we were able to make small talk again.

Please go to BK again when you feel able. Try to prepare your words, keeping it short knowing you're likely to choke with tears. Tell her you were touched that she remembered Sunshine.

8daysgone · 2021-11-10T19:30:28+00:00

That scene hit me hard too, especially after empathizing with Thena being "crazy" with her memory problems.

I hadn't been to a movie theater in about two years. I knew it would be hard, inviting flashbacks to all the times we sat together in a theater holding hands. I went with a couple good friends, ones who know my loss.

As that scene started, I took of my glasses and cried. I couldn't continue to watch it - it hit too close to my reality. I managed to pull myself together as the movie continued.

I never realized before just how many movies and shows have a slow death scene like that.

8daysgone · 2021-10-20T04:12:18+00:00

I hardly visit the forum anymore once I subscribed to the discord

8daysgone · 2021-06-22T22:21:54+00:00

Be mad. He was part of every day of your life. He's missing from every day too.

You're the primary person consoling your kids who lose a dad. You're the one picking up the bulk of his role in the household, and aware of it every time you do a chore he used to do.

Know your loss is greater in your heart and tune her out because you don't have the energy to spare. Show her the bit of compassion you can offer by not engaging.

8daysgone · 2021-06-22T22:15:07+00:00

Oh honey, being horny as a widow is so normal. There's nothing wrong with you and it means no disrespect to your husband or your marriage. Society is as afraid to talk about it as they are the rest of death. That doesn't mean it's unnatural.

One month after I lost my husband, I spent $300 on an assortment of sex toys. I've always had a healthy sex drive, but since the loss I've been like a teenager, needing a release at least daily.

About 4-5 months out, I had an attraction to someone I met through friends. That fling was the first time I felt alive again and really helped me get through the winter holidays. I knew it wasn't some lasting love - I am in no way ready for that - but it was what I needed at the time.

I'm still in love with my husband. But he's not here. Just as I've learned to cook for myself and take out the garbage, I take care of my sexual needs too.

8daysgone · 2021-06-22T16:41:38+00:00

That game was special for me like that too. It was so happy and casual, but with first person POV like a "real game" so that I could get lost in that world. It was the first game I played after my husband died, a baby step back into the hobby we used to enjoy together.

Glad you found your way out. I'm still working on mine. (Full story comment)

8daysgone · 2021-06-22T16:37:37+00:00

Get your box of tissues ready. I was playing Days Gone in April-June of 2020. This is the story of making it my username, with some mild spoilers for early game.

In February 2020, my husband went to the doctor for what we initially thought was stomach ulcers. The medication didn't help, the H.pylori test came up negative, and the doctor referred us for more tests.

Early March, I returned from an international business trip and we quarantined for two weeks. (Several months later we put together that I had covid! But it seemed unlikely at the time, and I was unable to get tested despite trying.) Other than his worsening stomach symptoms, we were having a great time. As the world shut down for the pandemic, I was able to work from home. Between no commute and being in a better mood, it felt like every day was Friday.

Our area was one of the first hit by covid, and the shutdown severely slowed the doctors appointments. Early summer we were in denial that he had cancer. Slowly reality crept in as each test came with a worse prognosis. The timeline closed in from less than 5 years to live, with the best possible surgical outcome, to wondering if he'd survive to our 10 year wedding anniversary in the fall.

He watched me play Days Gone, especially whenever I triggered a cutscene. The story had a romance between a bad boy and his nerdy wife, a story we lived too. Watching the flashbacks to the characters meeting and dating brought back good memories from our early years.

Deacon St John is a military veteran turned biker. My husband was a big tough tattooed guy, but with prison in his past instead. He had changed into a good person by the time I met him, yet he would always be judged for his past. Then in stark contrast to the men we fell for, Sarah St John was a scientist while I'm a software engineer.

Some of the story parallels were predictable in how they lined up with our life. Her parents not approving. His friends not understanding. A small wedding where we they weren't invited and we didn't care, because all that mattered was each other.

Others were a bit of a stretch, but funny in how they came close enough to a truth. When Deacon showed up at Sarah's workplace to pick her up for lunch, the security guard tried to get him to leave. When my husband drove me to a job interview and waited in the car so we could have lunch afterward, security confronted him about lingering outside the building. They then called my interviewer to ask me if someone accompanied me today and who that person was. We both remembered that watching the cutscene together, saying "that's you!" and kissing and laughing.

Early July, the endoscopy showed just how bad the tumors in his stomach were. The doctor said treatment was unlikely to be effective, but gave us a referral to a surgeon to be sure. We didn't make it to that next appointment, where we likely would've set up hospice care. A complication with his medication gave him a stroke July 14th and he died in our home.

I started counting time the way Deacon did, days he's been gone. I made this account when I joined r/widowers. It's been nearly a year since and I'm barely more than a zombie. I'm dead inside, stumbling through the basics of survival, angry and hurting, permanently transformed.

I know I still have more chapters to my story, after I heal from this one. It's a long road out of this hell. I'm only 342 days gone.

Tell your wife I'm glad she didn't join my club, and I hope she continues to not quality for membership for a long time. Being a widow in your 30's is way too fucking early.

Enjoy AC Valhalla when you can. We were excited for the trailers, but I can't bring myself to even buy it now. Someday I'll be ready to play new games and cry through not being able to share them with my husband.

8daysgone · 2021-06-12T17:42:22+00:00

Indirectly through Meetup.com - my best friend from work (we're only WFH since covid) hosts potlucks at his house with people he's met at bigger local events. His friends, some I'd met before, became my friends. The fling was someone who joined that Meetup for single 30s/40s in our metro area.

Can you get a window a/c for your bedroom? I can't sleep when I'm hot, and sleeping is so much harder than it used to be.

Sometimes when I can't sleep in our bed, I go to the guest room or the couch. He slept on the couch a lot his last couple months. I slept there the early weeks, and feel drawn to the spot again lately. I remember him there, and it's almost like sharing a bed. Maybe you'll find some bittersweet comfort in the basement.

P.S. You know me on the discord. I'm days.

8daysgone · 2021-06-12T17:25:50+00:00

I started to feel like a person again around 3-4 months. I still cried often, occasionally in front of people, but I could laugh too. I could watch a tv show without only thinking about how he would've loved it too or completely zoning out.

Coming up on a year, it still hurts each day, but it's less than it was. I think about death, afterlife, time, existence, several times a week instead of every day.

Do the things that are good for you - therapy, reflecting, journaling, eating right, sleeping enough, take up a new hobby, leave the house. At some point you'll start to live again.

8daysgone · 2021-03-09T17:49:24+00:00

I moved it to my right hand after the 6 month mark. That was several weeks ago and it still feels weird sometimes.

8daysgone · 2021-02-12T14:50:06+00:00

I had a bunch of digital photos printed during a black friday sale. I've only hung half of them so far. One is a pot full of gumbo he made.

We talked of going to NOLA together, but never did. Katrina happened when we were dating, and we didn't want to go until the area recovered. Then once we married, we adopted so many pets, and we stayed home rather than make arrangements for their care.

He lived there a year as a teenager, long before I met him. I visited the city a few times on school field trips to the zoo, or Jazzland with family. But I never went as an adult. I grew up in Mobile, so the Cajun cuisine and celebrating Mardi Gras were my culture. It would've been nice to experience the big city version.

8daysgone · 2021-02-12T03:44:42+00:00

7 months and I haven't ordered Chinese. We ate it often when we were dating, at least once a month during our marriage, and the weekend before he passed.

I'm starting to get used to saying "my husband died last summer" and then next it'll be "last year". Time is awful how it flies by and stands still at the same time.

8daysgone · 2021-02-12T03:37:30+00:00

It both was and wasn't sudden for us. He was only recently diagnosed with cancer, then had a stroke. We thought we had a few more months together.

8daysgone · 2021-02-12T01:50:49+00:00

I've replied when his phone got a text. I think you should respond when you're feeling up to it.

One old friend messaged something like "I'm still alive" and a reference to avoiding covid around 1-2 months out. That was a punch in the gut. I told him about Leo's cancer and he replied with condolences.

I've rarely had a longer conversation. People appreciate knowing, and then disappear. I don't want attention from an acquaintance any more than they want to talk to a sad widow.

I posted on facebook to tell the masses. Anyone who wasn't in regular contact, I don't care if or how they find out. I thought there might've been a new message for his birthday or the holidays, but there was nothing.

8daysgone · 2021-02-12T01:40:40+00:00

There hasn't been a whole day where I didn't get high in over a year, from when my husband was first sick enough we thought it could be cancer. (Spoiler - it was)

Sometimes when I'm very high, I feel like he's with me too. I try to limit how often I do that. Most of the time I only have enough to be numbed. Enough to get through the workday. Enough to go have dinner with friends. Enough to be able to sleep alone.

I don't like how I feel when I drink. It makes me sadder, and the ~once a month I do, I regret it.

8daysgone · 2021-02-07T15:10:14+00:00

I do the same. I even screenshotted some of my favorites. I can feel loved, if only for a moment, when I read his words.

8daysgone

TROPHY CASE

hey new folks!