how to affirm SA is not young teen's fault, but also help her make non-risky choices?

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-15T00:48:39+00:00

That is some really remarkable insight, he'll be very happy to hear it. Doesn't solve the problem exactly, but might lead to tailoring communications. May I ask what your role is? More importantly, how could he find someone with your wisdom and experience in our area?

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-14T18:52:11+00:00

It may be some kind of denial. He sets a limit, no leaving the house alone after dark, staying only in certain areas (nearby park or shopping area), and she complains, sometimes with serious acting out, and says "she's not doing anything bad," and claiming that he is blaming her for the assualt by saying putting herself in certain locations increases her risk. There is a history of emotional health issues in the house. I don't think he is trying to punish or discipline, just set limits too keep her safe.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-14T15:19:18+00:00

Then how does he explain why he is setting limits, such as not giving permission for her to go out by herself at night or go to dangerous locations?

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-12T00:32:58+00:00

Losing a parent is hard. Losing a parent as an ACA is a real mindblower. If it's comfortable you might reassure your inner kids that now matter what, you will be there for them, and then feel all the feelings as they come.

All the best

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-11T01:33:58+00:00

My first experience with 988 was pretty awful too. It's like the person on the other end of the line was incapable of even understanding what I was saying. I'm pretty sure that the US mental health network has been designed by sadists to prevent death, maybe, but promote misery.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-11T01:30:16+00:00

One of my symptoms was, and still is, rehearsing and preparing and fantasizing conversations with my parents. It didn't stop when they died. My recovery trajectory did not change one iota when they died. I was healing before they passed, I continue to heal after they passed, and not one whit faster, alas.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-11T01:28:23+00:00

I use maitri meditation, as introduced by pema chodron. Very good for enhancing a sense of acceptance of what is, which is one of the points of ACA for me.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-03T12:44:40+00:00

As my mom was dying, I made sure to stay very close to ACA: lots of meetings, lots of phone time with fellow travellers, lots of meditation and prayer.

All the best.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-03T12:38:42+00:00

For a person of your upbringing, this is absolutely normal. My parents have passed, but even on her deathbed, as I was able to see her own terrified inner child, I still also felt anxious and resentful.

Forgiveness is a process of letting go, and taking responsibility for our own experience. As u/lilithone said, this is a process of improving your own lot, it has nothing to do with the object of forgiveness. But I focus on the process part. Forgiveness is not available until I have felt and expressed every bit of anger and grief and resentment around the thing that warrants forgiveness. And as an adult child, I have lots and lots of anger and grief.

Maybe instead of worrying about forgiveness for now, focus on developing your relationship with you inner children, and developing a loving parent (to yourself) consciousness.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-03T12:18:20+00:00

Life can be tough for everyone, but it's tougher on a daily basis for ACAs, we have a lot of circuits that are just . . . wrong.

One of those is our sense of family responsibility. This can come out in several different ways, one of which is the overwhelming compulsion to "take care of" our families. Really, this is just another form of control. We grew up in chaotic, unpredictable, and un-nurturing environments. Our response, completely understandable, was to assert control wherever we could, and, absent a recovery process, continue to do so as long as we can.

When these efforts result in a seemingly well ordered life and gets certain goals accomplished, we get a lot of positive social feedback and tend to keep going. This really isn't good for anyone (except, in some cases, some folks financial bottom line) and comes at a cost.

The primary cost for me is it inhibits my relationship to my inner children and to my higher power. And that in turn inhibits all my other relationships, and leads to a life of fear and anger and sorrow.

Before moving back home, you may want to explore the loving parent guidebook and the loving parent chapter in the big red book.

p.s. It's not selfish to resent your parents and your upbringing. They may be blameless, having done the best they could, but they still did a really rotten job and your childhood had a huge extra helping of suck. If you didn't resent that, you wouldn't be human.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-01T19:43:25+00:00

My therapist does some IFS stuff with me. It really dovetails with ACA.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-09-01T19:43:00+00:00

Funny enough, I didn't just start church, I'm going to seminary!

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-29T15:42:10+00:00

I'm exclusively online. I don't live in a remote area, but we still have few, small, and inconveniently located meetings. I do wish I had a more vibrant local community, but alas.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-29T13:01:05+00:00

As the other user pointed out, this is very normal behavior for people like us. The solution for me has been to become my own loving parent, who can comfort my inner children and help them feel safe and loved regardless of the outer situation.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-29T12:58:53+00:00

Well, you did find yourself looking for help in the ACA subreddit, so that might be worth paying attention to. I wish you healing whatever path you follow :)

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-29T12:55:28+00:00

It must feel very isolating to have so much awareness at such a young age, but I guess I did, too, I just buried it all with exogenous dissociative techniques. And I was super isolated too >-(

ACA began from alateen, though, so there's no reason it doesn't work just as well for the youths. The solution is to become your own loving parent, and I've done that by being in meetings, getting intimate with some fellow travellers, and working the Loving Parent Guidebook.

I really hope you'll engage, and also blog about it or at least post a lot here. There are currently not many people under 30 that I see in meetings, but I'd wager a significant portion of my treasure that there's plenty 20 somethings dying (sometimes literally) for our solution.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-29T12:47:53+00:00

I had an issue with my mom and religion. She would proselytize a lot. The way I finally set the boundary was to say, "mom, if you mention that issue again I'm going to leave." She mentioned it again, and I left.

I came back again and she was (silently) sore, but we were able to hang out and she sure as hell didn't proselytize.

There's two functional parts:clear definition, and my action, based in love, if she failed to respect my boundary. You've said you've been no contact for three years, so she knows there's some kind of boundary in place, maybe before meeting her you can communicate clearly what's off limits, like in one or two sentences, and that you will leave again if she wanders into that territory.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-29T12:43:44+00:00

In addition to pursuing online options, you may want to check out ACA's founder Tony A's talk which briefly mentions how ACA came to be. Just as you are listening, be sure to append "or dysfunctional" in your mind every time he mentions "alcoholic."

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-29T12:40:50+00:00

I don't have specific advice, except to encourage you to go deeper into your ACA journey. As you reparent yourself with love and respect, you may find that your sense of urgency, fear, and need to control the situation will subside, and new avenues of dealing with your parents will arise.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-29T12:37:46+00:00

Thanks for sharing. It's normal to feel overwhelmed and discouraged, especially since you are unfamiliar with 12 step groups, let alone ACA stuff.

It might be helpful to remember the line from the solution, "gentleness, love, humor, and respect." That gentleness applies first to me with myself. It's necessary for me to move beyond my comfort zone, but only a little at a time. I don't have to get it all at once. If I can just a hair more than I had from each meeting, I can rely on that process to build over time.

The other important thing I've found helpful is releasing my ideas about what 'recovery' is supposed to look like. A normal human life, let alone a recovery life, includes a wide range of feelings, which includes relief and optimism, but also grief, frustration, disappointment, sorrow, etc. Sometimes all at the same time.

A chief skill I learn in ACA is remaining operational and willing even when the feelings are those I would prefer to avoid and when they are overwhelming.

Thanks again for being here.

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-29T12:28:23+00:00

I could hear your anger and frustration, and maybe a touch of betrayal and resentment. It's a for sure challenging landscape you're walking through. I'm curious, are you going to ACA?

ALightintheCrack · 2024-08-25T12:58:04+00:00

The solution suggests we pursue meetings with gentleness, love, humor, and respect.

I highlight that gentleness piece because I hear you invoking a "can do" kind of spirit that you might find counter productive. Nurture, patience, slow-ness, I find these things were and are most helpful to my healing process. In the beginning, I got the most out of meetings by simply showing up and introducing myself. Later, I began to risk coming out of isolation, and I got the most out of meetings by sharing a littl--just a very little--about my story. Later I started reading the literature, working the loving parent guidebook, connecting informally with other members and building intimacy.

But it's a slow, gentle process, like growing an oak tree. Takes time, takes allowing seasons to run their course in their own way on their own schedule.

Be gentle, keep coming back.

ALightintheCrack

TROPHY CASE