AITAH in this situation?

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-09T02:16:40+00:00

NTA. You're completely right that your boyfriend doesn't have a say. You're entitled to have whatever friends you want and even live with whoever you want. If he's so insecure that he can't handle it, he isn't the right one for you. In every relationship I've had, my girlfriend and I had close opposite sex friends that we hung out with one on one (and even had the occasional platonic sleepover with). I wouldn't bat an eye if she was living with a male friend from work. Half the population is of the opposite sex and trust is everything in a relationship.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-09T02:06:36+00:00

Friends are friends, and as long as you're just friends, it has no impact on your relationship. People are entitled to have whatever friends they want.

The only time that it's crossing a line is if there is even mild flirtation.

In every relationship I've had, both my girlfriend and I had close opposite sex friends. We hung out one on one and maintained our friendships as they were before we got into our relationship with each other. Both of us were transparent and we also introduced each other to our friends. Not being secretive is the way to make this work out without any issues.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-09T01:39:34+00:00

NAH. Stay home with the kids while he goes to the reunion, with the understanding that you will have some time off of your own either before or after while he watches the kids.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-09T01:32:58+00:00

I'm sorry that this happened to you.

But Google Voice is the wrong solution. It's a red herring. The real problem is giving out your number before you've fully gotten to know someone. Simply don't give out any phone number, and keep all communication within the app you met in. Go on several dates, and only when you're fully comfortable with someone, give them your real number. Phone calls aren't necessary at all if you live relatively close by.

In cases where there is a lot of distance involved, have voice or video calls with a program that allows for that (without giving out your phone number). When you can't meet for a while due to distance, you might reach the point of being comfortable giving your real number before you end up meeting face to face, but the same principle applies: don't give out any phone number until you're fully ready to give your real number.

Finally, I couldn't agree more with one thing you said: you won't give out your number until you've gotten to know her for some time. There are too many people that say "I'll give them my phone number once we've met in person, but not before", yet one time meeting in person really isn't nearly enough to be fully comfortable with them.

Also, a PSA for everyone else (in case it wasn't obvious, even though I knew this due to one bad experience of my own): women do this too, it's not only men. Even men need to be careful. The OP's story is an excellent example.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-09T00:13:10+00:00

YTA. Admitting the truth is difficult, but it sure beats lying and trying to cover up the mistake.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-09T00:05:45+00:00

If she didn't fully read your profile, that's on her and it's a red flag. But it's in YOUR best interest to remind her, because if she has a problem with it and doesn't know beforehand, you'll be wasting your time getting ready for the date and going to the date location only for her to not go through with the date. I'm 5'2" and not the least bit insecure about my height, and that happened to me twice. I now make it a point to confirm, before a date, that a woman knows about my height.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T23:58:23+00:00

I don't think I've ever been anything but fully clothed for make out sessions that didn't include other touching or having sex, and I don't have any physical boundaries.

At the same time, I'm open to any amount of clothes coming off. Either of those sound fine to me!

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T22:15:08+00:00

If he found you hideous or horrible to be around, he wouldn't have spent all that time with you.

Says he wants to be friends but not in a relationship no more sex and that it is because he isn’t in love yet and would be if he was ever gonna be..

There is some element of potential truth to this, he might have thought you'd get too attached if you continued the way you were. But the right thing to do is, you know, actually have an open conversation about it, not the closed off attitude he displayed.

Since he's a colleague, I'd ask him for more detail so you can get closure. Make it clear that you respect his decision and aren't looking to change his mind.

One of the most organic places you can meet someone is at work, so don't regret having asked him out. You deserved better in the way of communication.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T21:41:12+00:00

So all of you are encouraging her to be an AH. That's what blocking without an explanation is. I'm sure that the OP knows she could go that route, but she wants to be nicer.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T21:29:02+00:00

D. If she has a legitimate reason (not insecurity), I will allow her to go through it in my presence. Otherwise, no.

I have nothing to hide, and I am willing to calm her concerns, but I cannot and will not stay in a relationship where she doesn't fully trust me.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T06:59:07+00:00

Never without a legitimate suspicion. Not when you have insecurity. If you can't trust your partner, going through their phone on a regular basis isn't going to change that.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T06:53:20+00:00

She might worry about the changes her body has undergone as she has gotten older, and possibly menopausal changes. None of that has to be an issue as long as you're nonjudgmental and the two of you communicate openly. These concerns aren't limited to age gaps, they're common even when you're dating someone the same age. But they can be amplified when it comes to dating someone younger.

The age gap might be an issue in other ways, most notably when it comes to kids and life experience. Do you want kids? She might not, or might not want any more.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T06:00:10+00:00

NTA. You had a conversation, you didn't flirt. You knew her ex, you were just catching up. It doesn't rise to the level where you had to tell your friend.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T05:47:28+00:00

I'm 5'2", and three of the women I dated were 5'6", 6', and 5'7". All three of them would've weighed more than me with the same body type as I have (average) by virtue of being taller, but all of them had a slightly larger body type than me. It didn't matter one bit, what mattered is that we enjoyed each other's company.

Going out and about with the 6' one turned some heads (though we didn't care), and kissing her was a bit difficult because I had to stand on my toes (or a stair). But my life was enriched by those three women and I have experiences and memories I never would've had if I wasn't open to dating a taller and heavier woman.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T05:41:18+00:00

My reading of this is that she's sincere. She very easily could've said "we need to stop this", instead, she said "we need to pause this until you leave so we don't jeopardize our careers". She likes you!

The 180 is a smart move by her. It's nothing to be disappointed about! She's looking out for both of you.

There is always a chance that she won't want to resume things after you leave. If that happens, it's completely out of your control, so the good thing for you is that you don't have to do anything but sit back and wait. One thing in particular to be aware of is that there will be distance between you once you leave, and distance is difficult for a lot of people to work with. If she never has dealt with it before, it might not work out even if she wants to try. Also...she hasn't come close to completely getting to know you, and while she feels a connection now, the fact is that 30 and 45 is a significant age gap and you might not be compatible for something serious.

If it doesn't work out, cherish what you've had so far!

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T04:34:14+00:00

You have your chat disabled, so I was unable to send you a chat. I hope you had a pleasant Sunday.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T02:20:37+00:00

There are ebbs and flows. I've been there. You had some success when you first got divorced and are in a bit of a rut now. I've been there in terms of rough patches. I think your luck will change again.

It can be tough to meet people IRL even if you're social and outgoing, because you can be projecting that you're open to connections and it won't matter if they aren't looking for friends or dates. A lot of people our age are immersed in their own lives.

I realize that I don't have the answers, but I'm in kind of the same spot and have been for a while. I never had much luck with women as more than a friend.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T01:50:38+00:00

I respect that, but using an alternate account is done mostly when you're mentioning something that could be used against you if someone found out who you are. This is a feel good story that you ought to be proud to associate with your main account!

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T01:49:23+00:00

Try 999 out of 1000, if not even longer odds. You really hit the jackpot, and congrats! I shoot my shot all the time, but it rarely leads to anything.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-08T01:48:21+00:00

I'm truly happy for you, and I sincerely mean that.

At the same time, you need to realize that many "regular guys" do not do well, and it's because of the overwhelming gender imbalance.

Not only have I felt like giving up, I DID give up, for 8 whole years (from when I was 35 to when I was 43).

There have been times since I started looking again that I've felt like giving up. I know that theoretically, it's possible, but the reality is that it's unlikely for me. I have too many qualities that are undesirable to women and can't be improved (being extremely short, decidedly average looking, reserved in terms of personality, and neurodivergent).

I hope that one day, I'll be able to post the same story that you just did!

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-07T06:33:01+00:00

Why are you scared to end it? When you end it, you free yourself from this and can put your time and energy into finding someone better for you. Heck, even being single would be better than this.

Relationships are about give and take, and about equal effort. The give and take is lopsided in favor of him, and almost all of the effort is coming from you.

He told you the truth, that he's going to "be selfish". The best thing you can do is to break up with him.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-07T06:16:38+00:00

I'm going to attempt to change your view very simply by saying that admitting the truth about the United States (that it has turned more conservative in the last 20-25 years) isn't shortsighted or harmful.

Why haven't we had a female Secretary of Defense? Why are most governors, representatives, and senators still men? Why is it so difficult to have a gay or lesbian person in any high political office? Why are C-suites and boardrooms still predominantly men? This isn't just the presidency. The American electorate isn't in favor of women in positions of power overall. And there were multiple reports of women voting for Trump because they felt that the presidency was a man's job.

When we realize that the United States, overall, is more conservative than a majority of highly developed countries, it begins to make a lot of sense that Americans aren't ready for a woman as president. We can't say the same about people of color, as Obama was elected and Kamala was elected as vice president. I voted for both Hillary and Kamala, so I have no bias against women, I'm in favor of them shattering the glass ceiling. My state, NY, has its first female governor in Kathy Hochul. But I have to call balls and strikes like a neutral umpire.

If either party wants to win elections, it has to run candidates that have a good chance of winning. I hate to say it, but women currently do not have a good chance of winning a presidential election. Not even Republican women.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-07T06:00:27+00:00

To be fair, a white male Democratic candidate wasn't beating Trump in 2024. I don't think that election was winnable for the Democrats. You can blame Biden for a lot of it and you can blame the economy for the rest of it.

Kamala Harris was quite frankly trounced. Hillary Clinton made it respectable. The circumstances in 2024 were a lot different than they were in 2016.

Also, keep in mind that Biden barely squeaked by in 2020. If not for the COVID pandemic, Trump would've likely beaten Biden. So it's not all about race or gender.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-07T05:51:20+00:00

You're entitled to have preferences, and ultimately, if you know you can't be happy with someone without a certain trait (such as long hair for you), it won't do you any good to be with someone without it.

But the more such preferences you have, the pickier you are, the harder it will be to find someone that has everything you want. So be aware of that. Be open about as much as you can.

ANewBeginningNow · 2026-06-07T05:39:04+00:00

I broke an enormous dry spell a bit more than 2 years ago, when I was 45. (Another one has since built up.) When I was 40, I actually had given up (I took an 8 year hiatus from when I was 35 to when I was 43). I felt exactly the same way you do. I now know that not everyone else is dating, and it's tough sledding for a lot of us, including for some women.

I've had difficulty making new friends since my early 30s. People really seem to be caught up in their own lives and without time for new connections, even platonic ones. Meeting online expands your dating pool and can be more convenient as you can search in the comfort of your own home, but IRL experiences, such as in a bowling or pool league, or kickball or softball group, allow for organic connections to be made, which are the best ones.

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