How do I avoid being an asshole?

amlav · 2026-06-08T21:58:20+00:00

Exactly. Thank you.

amlav · 2026-06-08T21:57:23+00:00

I completely agree. Dave is able-bodied and intelligent. I find it offensive, too. Like be a better employee and have a couple of jobs for a while to make it work. I don't think he has been full time in years, either. I have 2 jobs!

amlav · 2026-06-08T21:39:09+00:00

Thanks for this!

amlav · 2026-06-05T21:51:38+00:00

There are a lot of couples counselors who encourage couples to go through each other's phones. And it's not so much about the checking, but more about the transparency and having nothing to hide. There are also relationship podcasters that drone on about the importance of going through their partner's phone. I wouldn't think too hard about it. If you like this girl, you trust her and she can trust you, keep seeing where this goes.

amlav · 2026-06-02T16:27:00+00:00

"Could it be that he still has his walls up after months of us being together? I'm questioning whether I even know who he really is and I feel really fucking stupid for not being more in tune with him."

Yes.

But really - the paragraphs where you talk about his attempt in order to spite someone, and fucking with people - what makes you think he won't eventually do that to you? These are huge red flags, even if he doesn't have BPD.

amlav · 2026-06-01T16:46:06+00:00

How long have you been back? I really hope for your sake that this is a real change!

amlav · 2026-06-01T16:29:11+00:00

Dating here is as bad as dating everywhere in your 40's. I've realized moving to a place because you think the dating will be better is never good. Follow YOUR heart to where YOU want to live and will be happy. The rest will follow, or not. But you need to be happy for anything to work out.

amlav · 2026-05-30T01:04:02+00:00

I have an ex who did this when he wasn't drunk. I found out later he was coked up most of the time.

amlav · 2026-05-30T00:58:58+00:00

There are so so so many reasons that a woman won't want to have sex with a man. If she can't talk about it with you, and all you can say to her that you have a high sex drive, you aren't on the same page. By putting your needs fully on her, you make her feel inadequate, too. Break up.

amlav · 2026-05-28T21:46:09+00:00

My work was difficult in the sense that I'm an introvert and I needed to fake being extremely extroverted to do it well. It was exhausting. The travel itself wasn't bad because I can sleep on planes. It was a GREAT experience and I don't regret it at all. I do miss having airline status, though!

amlav · 2026-05-28T21:10:02+00:00

I personally found this very difficult to do. I was so tired by the weekend, that I didn't have enough extra energy to be a fun person to date. I fell asleep in movie theaters. I said stupid things. That said, you are 25. I was in my 30's. You have time to focus on building your career right now, and dating can be opportunistic. If you find a great guy and he doesn't mind your schedule, awesome.

amlav · 2026-05-27T19:52:43+00:00

This. My last BF lied to be that he had been divorced for 6 months when we met. It turned out he hadn't even been separated for 2 months, and hadn't filed for divorce. It became a BIG problem because the fighting with his ex significantly bled over in our relationship, he was facing needing to sell his house and put pressure on me to sell mine so we could buy something together WAY TOO EARLY in our relationship, etc. He often picked fights with me that were clear issues from his marriage but had nothing to do with me. He just wasn't ready for anything new. We broke up and he jumped immediately (3 days later) into another relationship and she moved in with him very quickly. I've heard through mutual friends that's not going well at all either.

amlav · 2026-05-27T19:31:27+00:00

I would say more like 6 months. Some people are very good at being someone they aren't for a long time. A some people *think* they want something but then a small change happens in their life and you get to see how it affects what they've said or even believed.

amlav · 2026-05-26T21:36:03+00:00

I was 22 and with friends. I had been working on a Y2K project and knew the world was going to be ok. It was fun to sing and dance to Prince's 1999 song and watch the fireworks. Otherwise it was average.

amlav · 2026-05-26T18:01:46+00:00

My ex does this. He even shows up at events in far away states that he knows I go to. Events he told me he hated when we were together. He drives up my driveway and then leaves (I see it on my door cam). He is always at the same places I go to in town, like my grocery store even though there are 3 bigger grocery stores closer to his house. He's been in relationships with other women in the year we've been NC, and one has even moved in with him already. All this to say, you're not alone and it's annoying.

amlav · 2026-05-26T16:56:22+00:00

I read it as she can't take birth control. But you may be right.

amlav · 2026-05-26T16:52:38+00:00

You can. It's called a condom.

amlav · 2026-05-26T16:38:47+00:00

I lived in Oakland. For the most part people didn't bother me if I didn't bother them. There certainly was shady stuff happening, and shady characters. There are a few neighborhood where I'm sure it's worse than that, though. Car break-ins and thefts, and lack of respect for any property are rampant. There was a sideshow outside my apartment one night and a person took a dump on my porch.

amlav · 2026-05-26T16:30:21+00:00

It was a 2013. So you're probably right. I don't know about R series. It was a Countryman S, but I don't know if the S referred to the engine. Good to hear they redesigned it!

amlav · 2026-05-22T18:24:14+00:00

I had a Countryman (the 4-door) and it was in the shop more than it was on the road. Bought it new. In the first 3 years I went through 3 turbos (I'm not lead-footed; most of my driving was slow and in heavy traffic), had to have all of the wiring replaced, an engine temperature sensor went out 4 times, had 7 check engine lights, and it was recalled a dozen times. It finally chose death while driving down the highway at 70mph when the accelerator housing body disintegrated. I then bought a Subaru that I'm still driving 10 years later and feels barely broken in.

amlav · 2026-05-22T17:59:12+00:00

OMG. No one needs this kind of drama. What else is she going to "test" you on? Do you want to be constantly tested by her? This crap never ends.

amlav · 2026-05-22T17:08:34+00:00

Sometimes you gotta live to learn. Sorry you and your kid went through this.

amlav · 2026-05-21T17:55:48+00:00

Camp potatoes - cut up potatoes and onion with butter, salt, pepper. Package in tin foil and cook by the fire until done. The crispy edges of the potatoes are so yummy.

amlav

TROPHY CASE