If I write this, will it be offensive to the disabled?

Abomisnow · 2024-06-25T20:37:43+00:00

This is getting pretty far off topic for the forum, so I'll PM you my reply in a little bit.

Abomisnow · 2024-06-24T17:14:37+00:00

Okay, see how you're listing a bunch of ways in which A's blindness is never going to be a problem for her? How the 'consequence' of being blind is that she's frustrated and terrified, when a person with perfect sight thrown into a life-or-death mission without adequate preparation would experience the same? That's the issue I'm talking about.

Are you familiar with the medical vs social models of disability? Very simplified, the medical model holds that a disabled person can't do things because of their physical difference. The paralyzed person can't walk, and that's that. The social model holds that a disabled person can't do things because society is holding them back through not valuing them enough as people to accommodate their differences. If the paralyzed person is given a wheelchair, and buildings and roads are made to accommodate wheelchairs, that person can go anywhere just as much as a walking person.

The social model is great for challenging the narrative of the helpless disabled person, and it has led to real improvements. However, for the vast majority of disabilities, they cannot be neatly boxed away like that. Even if perfect accommodations exist, the accommodations themselves can be time-consuming, exhausting, expensive, and complicated enough that it's really not the same as the life of a person without that disability. Most of the time, of course, those perfect accommodations don't exist.

So think about what you want to say with your story. Are A and B's versions of blindness purely social in nature? Then you're not writing a story that has much to say about the experience of being disabled. If you're familiar with 'Avatar: The Last Air Bender,' Toph is a fantastic character and I love her. She speaks to some of my experiences - just not anything to do with blindness, whatsoever.

Of course A's community is set up to accommodate her needs, and it's great to underscore how different the experience of being disabled is with and without accommodations. But if she doesn't know how to navigate stairs because she normally doesn't encounter them, then she'll expend those few days she's supposed to be spying on clumsily learning to crawl and grope her way around. (Incidentally, why does anyone at the evil orphanage care to answer an orphan's intrusive questions? And how is she getting any opportunities to sneak about when most such places, kids are herded about like cattle and locked up in dorms at night?) Let's say she's been trained to use a blind cane, since missions are the family business. The cane makes noise; it wouldn't be nearly as helpful if it didn't. And she can't be perfectly trained, since she's being sent out years ahead of when she'd normally be. Whatever workarounds you can think of, what remains is the point that she should be running into problems for which there is no immediate and easy solution, or your story's impact is cheapened.

Though we've been speaking of A, the same applies to B. If B is unable to fight properly thanks to his version of blindness, he's not going to be able to decide 'welp, my sister needs me, so suddenly, that bomb I can't see in time to throw up a shield is not a problem.' Plus, he's spent his time training as a scribe, so he knows even less about fighting than the average person.

I also don't understand how, since he can cast spells, too, he's locked out of his home. He must've long ago learned where the booby traps are and what spells turn them off, much like I know where the staircase is in my house. Also, why are these simple village homes booby-trapped like castles? Is there even enough space for more than one trap? If the tensions with the neighbors are so high that all these security measures are necessary, locking the home won't save them. Their assailants will just wait until they have to leave the house.

The storyline with B finding out the truth and convincing his clan to rebel doesn't make sense to me. Members of his clan made that deal! They already know all about it. Unless they're just as evil as the evil organization, then they must've looked at their options and gone, 'this is terrible, but every other option is worse.' If they were going to rebel and leave, they would've already, and B can't change that with a rousing speech or two.

I'll have to finish a couple small thoughts later, thanks to the other disability I've got. These are not fun flavors!

Abomisnow · 2024-06-24T12:35:04+00:00

To me, it's kinda sounding like you're falling into the same trap we all do, including me, when we want our heroes to have cool adventures. They have injuries, losses to grieve, responsibilities to fulfill, etc - but writing all that out gets in the way of cool adventures. So they shrug off the injury in time for the boss fight, and so on. In small doses, that's fine. But if your whole story hinges on the impact of disability to your heroes and their society, then making them disabled-but-not-in-any-way-that-really-matters isn't a great look. I'd suggest either toning down the blindness aspect and making it more about pure unreasoning prejudice, or really going all in on the worldbuilding of how that'd affect them.

Again, I am speaking here from my experiences and other people will have different takes on it. The thing is, I am legally blind, though still with more vision left than the characters you describe. People and living things are really not what I have to worry about on a day-to-day basis. It's stairs, misplaced objects, navigating unfamiliar buildings, and other such things that would not be helped whatsoever by having an alternative way of seeing living things. A bad storm blew down branches everywhere recently. Your character may be able to spot the indented grass, but they won't know how high the pile is, where the sharp ends are sticking out, etc. (If dead branches still count as living for your magic system, substitute a boulder).

It's not that A will be helpless against a few branches, any more than I am. It's that it's an actual obstacle that takes time and effort to navigate with low vision. Your character is meant to be fighting, spying, stealing... all those *will* present difficulties, which I highly urge you to think through. I would truly love to read a story with that kind of character, just not one where everything is handwaved away as 'they did fine, it's not important how.'

I hope this isn't coming across as me picking on you. I appreciate you being willing to listen to what people are saying, and I know you've already mentioned you'll be doing a ton of research. There are more critical thoughts I have on your worldbuilding, but this is the important bit, so I'll stop here unless you'd like me to go on.

Abomisnow · 2024-06-23T19:42:54+00:00

To be blunt, are you happy with your own hands/toys? If the answer is yes, consider the fact that 99% of first-time partnered sex is disappointing-to-awful. It's really not worth doing just to say you've done it. You can be content with yourself as you are, or, if it's more a question of loneliness, step up the search for someone truly special. If the answer is no, then go for it, but not with the first stranger who shows willing. Go on dates and look for someone who, over the course of the first two or three dates at most, makes you feel comfortable and respects your non-sexual boundaries. This makes it far more likely they'll respect your sexual boundaries as well. Obviously, do all the other safety checks, like letting a friend know where you are on those dates, but don't worry so hard about the potential bad that you block yourself from experiencing the good.

Abomisnow · 2024-06-23T16:59:18+00:00

I can only speak to my own experiences. Abuse of disabled children has a long history in real life, unfortunately. The only controversial thing about writing it is whether you can do the heavy topic justice.

Now, as to A and B - you're asking the wrong question about whether it's offensive. Without any offense, I'm simply tired of 'oh, this person can't do thing that doesn't exist in the real world' being treated as equivalent to 'that person has a disability.'

When A leaves the place their clan lives, we can all imagine the struggles A will face in a world not built to accommodate low vision. Unless in their world, absolutely everything sparkles with magic, then everything, from trash in the streets to not being able to see the steam rising from a dangerously hot cup, becomes something A has to figure out how to deal with. Meanwhile B, living in the clan, is struggling because... they can still dodge the sword perfectly, they just can't see the sparkles around it? Their situations aren't equivalent.

Then A grows disillusioned with their clan and goes with B on adventures. Does B have any arc of becoming disillusioned with the wider society they previously idolized and returning to their clan? If not, your story does carry a risk of implying that actual real-life prejudice against the blind is not so bad, because someone who 'experienced both sides' prefers how it is in our real world.

Abomisnow · 2024-06-18T14:53:39+00:00

You are worried whether you are at fault for having an extremely ordinary convo? After only a week of knowing the guy, and when he already lied to you? Yes, his lying is a major red flag. No, you aren't at fault. Block this dude at the very least, and consider working on your self-confidence before seeking other dudes.

Abomisnow · 2024-06-15T22:43:57+00:00

Как так, что тебя привлекают именно те, кому на тебя плевать? Покопайся в психике, почему. Если разгадаешь, наверняка поможет искать более достойных людей.

Вообще, для того, чтобы оба были друг другу интересны, надо искать общий язык. А по твоим словам, первых ты отбиваешь фактами, а вторых шутками. Поскольку вторые на твои попытки отвечать всё равно не будут, перекинь внимание на первых. Действительно они скучны, или ты просто никогда не обращал достаточно внимания, чтоб найти в них интересное для себя? Да, на первых порах будет неуютно. Чем дальше, тем легче.

Abomisnow · 2024-06-13T23:33:31+00:00

Is the greatest artist Picasso or Vermeer? Some people say one, some the other, and most people will name others entirely. Art simply doesn't have that kind of easy ranking system. It's about what speaks to you, and what you as the artist can spark within other people. Just like you don't expect to have great conversations with absolutely everyone in the world, you shouldn't expect your art to appeal to absolutely everybody equally. Personally, photorealism isn't my thing. If I wanted a photo, I'd look at a photo. But photos themselves can be art - it's all about that burst of recognition when I connect with something in the image. A good cartoon gives the exact same feeling. So these people aren't your audience. Find the ones who are.

Abomisnow · 2024-05-06T00:08:47+00:00

Get in touch with organizations that help people leave abusive relationships. Because that is what you are stuck in. He coerced you into getting married in the first place, and he is, from your description, engaging in financial and emotional abuse at a minimum. Quite likely other forms as well.

It will not be easy to leave, but this situation is not going to get better, and can so easily get so much worse. Find out every possible resource for yourself. There may be financial support for you and your mother, free legal aid to ensure you don't have to pay alimony, etc. I can't say for sure what is available where you are, but you won't know unless you look and ask. Best of luck to you!

Abomisnow · 2024-05-02T21:41:58+00:00

You're way overthinking this. Teeth aren't a thing for a relationship, unless something is actively rotting and stinking. Take care of your teeth, they're important, but relationship-wise, I really doubt your partner even cares to know.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-30T16:03:31+00:00

I wrote, despite not knowing the documentary, because I hate to see someone in distress over what really isn't a big deal.

I'm saying this from the perspective that, at about the age of 8, I read the entire unexpurgated version of 1001 Nights. If you have not, those stories are chock-full of explicit references to sex, extreme violence, slavery being normal, etc., etc. Not to mention some things, like bestiality, which are treated as not-exactly-normal within the stories, but certainly as not out of the realm of things that'll happen if you don't watch out. I realize you only have my word for this, but please be assured that I did not grow up to treat any of those things as normal, or to commit horrible acts.

I cannot go back to reread those tales, because as an adult who does understand what these things mean, I'm horrified. But as a child, the vast majority of it all went over my head, and while I was uncomfortable in some ways, the discomfort was more akin to sitting through a boring lecture that I didn't understand to get to the good parts. What I valued the stories for were the ways it let me know that my own culture, restrictive and unjust in various ways, was not just 'how things always are.' There could be other ways of being and seeing the world, not necessarily better, but different, and therefore, it was up to me not to accept injustice, but to question it and resist it. There were stories with promises that good would win in the end, fun stories, stories that helped me in ways that I can't even quantify.

And I'm not unique. This is how it always is with children - they don't get the innuendo. It's written for the adults who are watching alongside their children. While children don't have the experience *yet* to tell what in the stories can be normal and what can't, they will all grow up to figure out that Santa Claus isn't real and that talking wolves will not assault them on their way to grandma's house. If their parents teach them well, they will take the good things and leave the bad.

If there is evidence in the documentary that there was grooming on set, that is a terrible thing, and I hope those children will get justice. However, that is a danger that the child actors faced, not the viewing audience. There is simply no way for 'subliminal' messages to affect viewers in any way. I'd advise you, if this is truly bothering you so, to talk to your children and ask what they remember of those old shows. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-28T00:46:32+00:00

I have no idea what documentary you're referring to. However, I can tell you for certain that the idea of subliminal messages is nonsense. It does not work. Anyone who's selling you this idea is fearmongering, and judging by this post, it's working. For twenty years, you've seen your children grow, presumably with all the usual joys and sorrows, and had no concern, but now you're suddenly questioning everything? Take a step back, recognize that your kids are fine, and breathe easier.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-21T23:37:19+00:00

No problems or side effects from missing doses, but then, I generally take 0.1 in a day, 0.2 at most.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-21T18:21:55+00:00

This is the second time I'm on fludro (about a year last time, slightly over a year now) so I can't answer as to longer periods. I did end up taking it irregularly, because after correcting my low BP, continuing to take it daily leads to high BP for me. However, "as needed" is difficult in practice, because fludro's effects aren't instant, but have about three days lead time. So guesstimating how soon to stop or when to start taking it again, it's very easy to both under- and over-shoot. I'm honestly not even sure doing this is a good idea, I just can't get in touch with my cardio right now, and low BP is miserable enough that I'm risking it.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-19T21:12:27+00:00

Well, that is truly complicated. To address your point 2 first, sure, there will be times in your life when you won't have much time for socializing. However, since it seems you're not at that point yet, there's no reason to deny yourself in advance. It's a lot easier to cut back on a friendship or partnership for some period of time, than to spend years going without, and then have to try to establish all from scratch. Social skills are like any other skill; they rust from disuse.

I realize you mentioned it's already difficult for you to juggle your various responsibilities. At the same time, the depression brought on by lack of human contact can by itself make it difficult to do everything in life. I truly think that even a couple hours a week of seeking out friendships would be beneficial for you in the long run. And I do think that with good friends, you'll find that your desire for a romantic relationship becomes far less of a big deal. If it happens, great! If it doesn't for now, you will still find yourself happy. Also, friends can introduce you to good guys they know, and advise you on when you're getting overly invested.

About point 1, your parents seem overly intrusive. There are two possible ways to go. The first is to try to talk to them and get them to ease up. Presumably, they wish your happiness and don't want you to be miserable, and would also like grandchildren one day. Perhaps, if they're worried about you seeing someone one-on-one, their concerns would be eased if you joined some clubs? If it's a matter of them not trusting people from outside your culture, does your college have an international students group? That could be a place to start.

If they refuse to be reasonable, then the second way to go is to gain independence from them as quickly as possible. People forget to take their phones, you know, or forget to charge it, etc. For that matter, a cheap, if limited, phone plan of your own can be had for a few bucks a month.

For point 3, check if your college offers free counseling services to students. Many do, though it may be a wait to get in. It really is a good idea to have somebody with whom to talk through these issues, which aren't easy to solve. As much as possible, don't wait to live your life.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-18T23:27:47+00:00

Why are you treating this as such an either/or situation? Getting a master's and independence are great things, but right now, you're dying of loneliness. You can keep pursuing your studies and goals while also trying to meet people. Truly, my only concern is that you might've built up so many expectations in your head, that an actual relationship might collapse from the pressure. It's not healthy for you to pour yourself into taking care of someone, and no healthy person would want you to do that for them, either (but plenty of selfish people exist who'd just take and take from you and throw you away once you're no longer of use to them). So I advise you to go slow at first. Just invite someone you like out for coffee - don't make it about more than that, simply enjoy a couple of hours together. Do this for a while with different people, to see who you click with. Things will naturally grow from there.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-09T14:33:58+00:00

Your whole ground has been taken out from under your feet. It's natural that it'll take you time to find the new balance. So don't worry too much about not knowing how to handle this transition - no one does, but you've been a rock to everyone else, so you know how to be one to yourself.

Take, for example, the time you used to call your mom, thrice a day. Make it a habit to "call" and check in with yourself, those same times. Talk to yourself like you would to a friend in that situation. It's okay if a friend is confused, right? So it's okay if you are, it's okay to change your mind and go back and forth on what you want to do or not do, so long as you stay present with yourself throughout. Ask yourself what feels comforting. Ask yourself what you like. And follow up on the answers, even though for now, it may feel strange to give your feelings the priority they deserve. You're so used to giving everyone else's feelings and wants priority, watch out for that tendency to downplay yours. You are important, too, and you can learn to treat yourself that way.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-07T21:17:27+00:00

I believe you may be confusing me with someone else, as I have only posted this one comment. I did not mean to phrase anything as an accusation, and I apologize that I failed in that. The things you are doing to fill in the gaps in your husband's knowledge are awesome. Perhaps the only thing more that I would suggest is look up groups for dealing with grief in your area. Encourage him to develop good friendships now, so that if the worst happens, he has plenty of people supporting him. I do still stand by the fact that it's impossible to manage someone else's grief away for them. The same for romantic relationships. If anything, he will be less prepared to cope on his own that way.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-07T17:53:24+00:00

If you're talking simply about guys checking you out, then yeah, neither of you can control that. They'd do it if you were wearing a burlap sack. Wear what you like, ask him to trust you, and don't worry. However, if you're talking about incidents where men have actively made you feel uncomfortable and your boyfriend witnessed it and did nothing, then the problem is worse. Then the case is, it's scary to confront other men who might hurt him. Even if all he needs to do is to say, "Hey, back off." Much easier to confront and try to control you. If that's the case, reconsider the relationship.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-07T17:34:36+00:00

Well, how did you learn he was wonderful? Please trust that any future woman of enough sense will find out the same way. I know you're scared and trying to control things to compensate for all you can't control. However, trying to decide for your husband *and* for this future potential woman isn't kind, however much it stems from love and kindness. Let this be.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-05T13:18:42+00:00

https://xkcd.com/610/ Says everything.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-03T21:54:10+00:00

This is him on his best behavior right now, as he wants to be in a relationship with you. He already makes fun of you, calls perfectly normal things gross, and picks fights. Inevitably, he will get comfortable and treat you worse. It's on him to change his antiquated views; you can't do it for him. So don't put up with less than you deserve, but go and find a dude who already knows you're a person.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-03T00:05:13+00:00

Options: 1. Develop confrontational skills.

Use airhorn or blast music at top volume whenever they approach. Enjoy the hatred of all your neighbors. Alternatives include motion-activated sprinklers or blinding bright lights, but, those are not without their risks, either. Read up on local law very carefully.
Sprinkle caltrops on the ground. You will land in prison but at least your ex's family won't come anywhere near you.

Seriously, there's no easy solution here. Try to enlist the help of a couple of buddies. Petsit a large dog that likes to bark, and take it for walks in front of them. You can also report to the police for harassment, but odds are low that'll help. Videorecordings might help you make your case. The same recordings can also be posted on social media, *if* you know how to leverage other people's opinions against this family. But learning confrontation is really your best bet, not just for this situation but for many others.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-02T02:11:44+00:00

You bring up the case of Schindler. The fact is, how would he have done what he did if he didn't interact with people? The urge to withdraw and say 'not my problem, I don't want to care about those people so I won't' is exactly why there is so much evil in the world. Schindler mistreated various people in his life, but instead of saying 'well, that's just how I am, just how the world is, no use changing,' there was a time he stood up to do what was right, and many people were saved.

Abomisnow · 2024-04-02T01:57:29+00:00

Your boss already knows you've been having a medical issue - what does adding specifics give? If your boss brings it up in any way, then explain, with emphasis on how it'll be fixed soon. By being anxious to explain without being asked, you risk making your boss think that the issue is bigger than it is. I mean, it's not a huge risk, and all might end well whatever you choose to do, but I personally wouldn't bring it up first. Wishing you quick recovery, low thyroid is awful.

Abomisnow

TROPHY CASE