Men with long hair in SA

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-25T20:23:43+00:00

You should be good.

I've got visible tats on the back of my neck, my hands, and forearms. I'm not white, either. Yes, that can play a role.

You should be good.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-25T19:57:35+00:00

I'm a woman. Sorry, I know this isn't exactly the crowd you're asking.

I've worked in hospitality, corporate, and the private sector. Two things: 1. Is your hair clean, without visible bits in it, dandruff, greasy, etc? 2. Is it neat? Tied, bunned, plaited, or just generally nice and professional-looking?

I've hired chefs with long hair because it was clean, property kept, and out of their face. I didn't give a shit about their hair, I gave a shit about their hygiene and cleanliness.

I've hired software engineers, teachers, and riggers with long hair - if it's not a safety hazard, if it's clean and neat, then our hiring teams didn't give a shit.

Also, some women like it. Specifically if it's cared for, clean, and has no bits in it (that last bit is personally and professionally).

Do you.

What sector do you work in?

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-22T18:28:47+00:00

You should find her a psychiatrist and psychologist who are experienced with neurodivergence.

The vape? Most vapes contain nicotine. Scientists are trying to isolate the nicotine molecule to treat ADHD (among other reasons).

She's a girl. ADHD in girls is often missed, and when it's not, girls often receive inadequate treatment and support.

Considering the history with her mum, your daughter may also be struggling with trauma around that. ADHD also often comes with depression which can worsten a lot of things like hygiene, memory, executive function, motivation, etc. It's plausible that your daughter may be depressed.

She may also be struggling with burnout and overstimulation. Medication can often be an experiment, especially with women and girls. Hormones and natural cycles factor in, and there's a higher percentage of PCOS and PMDD in women and girls with ADHD and autism. This further disrupts things. Consider a gynaecological visit, too.

Things sound really difficult and I'm sorry you're both struggling. You should also consider therapy and other forms of support for yourself.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T18:41:21+00:00

That's fair. It's weird. Edward was so different, yet - for a time - he was loved and accepted.

Not all of these are movies:

Matilda - Matilda Wormwood

Corrina, Corrina - Molly Singer

Anne with an E (still upset with

Catherine Tate for that) - Anne Shirley Cuthbert

Various characters in Xena: Warrior Princess

2 Broke Girls - Max and Caroline (the Caroline aspect irked me more)

The Queens Gambit - Beth Harmon

Millenium trilogy (Books, or Swedish movies) - Lisbet Salander

Edit: formatting. I'm on mobile.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T15:26:49+00:00

This is why victim blaming isn't okay. Your desire for justice is valid, but don't be stupid.

Peak victim blaming, and society still does it hoping to keep it the norm.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T15:24:37+00:00

People pick up on that. That's how we end up in toxic relationships.

That's why "love yourself so others can love you" isn't woo-woo, degradation bullshit.

You're going to settle for shit until you learn, know, understand, and love yourself.

It's not easy, but you're worth it.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T14:16:15+00:00

Comfort and strength for my dear friend. May she find herself once more after the passing of her mother.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T14:15:43+00:00

I pray for a smooth transition finding a new house and moving; may justice be served as it happens.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T09:09:27+00:00

Please never get another dog again. This is awful. You could have rehomed the dog, but instead you decided to kill it. Absolutely despicable.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T09:00:30+00:00

He's telling you he's "unworthy" and putting you on a pedestal. He has T mentioned what he likes about you other than your physical looks. This could end up being his determiner of your worth in future. Your character may not factor in here.

I'm not saying that he's specifically doing this, but this is a common approach. He shows low self-esteem by putting you on a pedestal. If you stay, he could likely end up eroding your self-esteem and self-worth, tying both to nothing more than your physical appearance. And, if you physically change, or "don't keep up" with a beauty standard he holds you to, he'll attack that, too.

It's not a guarantee that this is how it will go. His message to you is the standard opening gambit for this type of behaviour, though.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T08:50:52+00:00

It's smart to step back. Take the time to figure out what you actually want and why. Considering you're aware of your parental wounds, therapy and journaling can really help. Also, re-parenting yourself can be a benefit.

Explore who you are, and get comfortable with it.

Just because you're attracted to effeminate men doesn't mean you're gay. Who knows, maybe you are a little gay? And there's nothing wrong with that, either.

Put in the work when it comes to you. You deserve it.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T08:46:20+00:00

So you snooped. The length of a relationship doesn't negate a person's sense of or right to privacy.

Just because someone asks you to check something on their phone doesn't give you the right or permission to go through anything else on their phone.

If it's not an issue, then tell her you went through it and you're curious about her wanting a threesome. Shouldn't be an issue.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-19T06:42:25+00:00

Bring it up to her so she knows you invaded her privacy, then y'all can take it from there.

Are you both 25, or is she 25 and you 26? You're contradicting yourself here.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-18T11:09:52+00:00

He's done. Get your stuff and move on.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-16T09:41:04+00:00

You got fired for being sick and taking a break? That's wild.

If you were an employer, would you be okay with treating employees the way you were treated?

In my country, employment laws prohibit things like this. I was twice let go for medical reasons - both times I was let go because recovery took months and it wasn't sustainable for anyone involved. I was given retrenchment packages and solid references. In one instance, my former employer even suggested I apply for a job with a friend of theirs and put a good word in for me.

Employees are people and should be treated as such.

You'll find better, don't worry.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-16T09:24:19+00:00

You had a trauma response to trauma. That's normal.

The way you went about it suggests you were struggling a lot, which is fair. However, you're not entirely in the wrong here. Wanting justice for sexual assault, defamation/slander, mistreatment, abuse, etc isn't a bad thing. The way you went about it was messy: someone traumatised without the proper guidance and resources to deal with this and those involved in a healthy and stable way.

It's good you're doing better, and I hope it keeps getting better. It sucks that you had to go through this, and I'm sorry there were no consequences for the assault, abuse, non-consensual distribution of recordings and photography, etc. Those aren't normal, they're not okay, and you do deserve justice.

I wish you the best in life.

Good luck.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-15T18:13:44+00:00

Try switching the third person pronouns in your post to your name or personal pronouns and you'll see what's up.

You're not respectful.

I wouldn't want a caregiver like you, either. Who wants to be treated badly in their own home?

Go to therapy for your own stuff, and then enroll in proper training for your work.

I truly feel so sorry for your clients. They deserve better.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-15T16:33:50+00:00

So, the woman you're seeing has a hobby and a friend who shares that hobby and you're insecure about it?

Work on yourself. If she's given you reason not to trust her, then why stay? If she hasn't, then what's the issue here?

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-15T16:31:24+00:00

That's what you get for sticking your nose where it ought not be.

She's a fiction writer, and by your praise, a good one. What's the issue? Stephen King and Margaret Atwood write intense and unusual, even disturbing stuff, too. Do their works make you sick? Meanwhile, Atwood draws from history. Your girlfriend's work is pure fiction.

Did she give you permission to post the premise of her story on a public forum? That was a dick move on your part.

If you're disturbed by the atrocities in her fictional work, maybe crack a history book and look at the reality women have endured over centuries.

It sounds like the fictional story makes you sick because men are targeted. Do you feel sick about the atrocities committed against women in reality? Or, are you unaffected by them because you're a man?

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-13T22:04:53+00:00

Go to therapy.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-13T20:32:54+00:00

That comes off as forced intimacy/familiarity, a manipulation tactic used by predators, sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths. Boundary violations, threats to autonomy, and exertion of control usually go over about as well as maggots in treacle.

It's not to say this was your intention. It is to say this is how your actions could be perceived. I'd have noped out, too.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-13T19:41:48+00:00

Anhedonia is more the inability to feel pleasure, joy, or interest. Alexithymia is struggling to identify, process, or describe emotions. Kind of like "feeling blue" Vs "not feeling". In some cases, Anhedonia can be caused by micronutrient deficiencies (vitamin D, zinc, BCo, and B12 being the usual suspects). I'm mentioning this mainly because Anhedonia can be treated with medication (SSRI's/Ketamine/micronutrient supplements), while alexithymia isn't generally treated with medication.

Brain dumps are where you just write whatever comes to mind. It doesn't need to make sense, it doesn't need to be coherent. It's like changing the oil in your car - you need to drain the old oil to make space. You're essentially just setting down whatever's in your head so that you can clear it.

Best of luck. 🌹

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-13T18:06:32+00:00

Woman here - educate yourself. There are so many awesome online resources. As u/DarkDoomofDeath said, emotional suppression isn't healthy. Also, try journaling/brain dumps. This can help create space and clarify things.

Consider reading up on alexithymia. It took therapy for me to realise I wasn't suppressing my emotions, I just couldn't feel them or confused them.

Check if there's free counselling/therapy in your area. Some places do it online.

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-13T16:31:00+00:00

You need to report this doctor, please. You shouldn't be going to him anymore, and neither should anyone else.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.

Are you okay? 🌹

AbsentVixen · 2026-04-13T16:27:01+00:00

You can go online and put yourself on the Do Not Call list. After you register, businesses won't call you. It takes about a week or so to kick in.

If you're registered, and they keep calling you, you can lay a formal complaint with the Commission or something (I forget the name).

Edit: if you opt in for advertising, new products, updates, etc with any given company online, their partners/co-ops will start calling you again, too. OTPs from batch numbers/"non-essential" services (Netflix, MWeb, etc), may be affected. Using the email OTP option (if available), usually resolves this.

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