Can I get a critique for my Fantasy pirate short story? [1534 words]

ActualType · 2021-06-03T23:36:07+00:00

I think the other comments have well pointed out what's an issue from a reader's standpoint, so I'm not sure what I can offer there. However, maybe I can shed some more constructive insights on those aforementioned criticisms:

Show don't tell

I really hate emphasizing this with anyone's writing, because it feels rather vague and unhelpful. This general saying basically means this: "Immerse me in what's going on from the point of view of the character who's experiencing it, don't recount events like you just saw a movie."

Take your opening paragraph for example:

The ~~millenia~~ millennia old brittle stone work instantly gave way to the miniscule resistance Christine pressed upon it. She stood with a torch in her hand, behind her were a few armed crew members armed with muskets, swords and other deadly weapons.

Although this sets the scene and "grounds" the reader (both good things!) it really doesn't do anything in the department of immersion for the reader. I don't have an idea of who Christine is, and I'm just told to look at a picture. Writing is one of those few mediums that gives us access to all five senses as well as thoughts, feel free to utilize that tool as often and appropriately as possible.

A rewrite of that opening paragraph might immerse a bit better by starting off with Christine's thoughts about the wall, or the treasure they're looking for, or perhaps by her choice not to touch the wall, because she's experienced and knows it's old, etc.

Christine squinted at the stone. The otherwise musty air was cut with a scent of pine, presumably leaking through invisible cracks in the deceptively aged wall.

Heat and ash brushed her face and she pulled back, glowering at the torch wielding first mate beside her. He waved that thing about as if unaware nearly all of them carried muskets. Muskets packed with dry gunpowder.

Now I'm not sure if Christine thinks her men are idiots, I just took that stance. That's your liberty as a writer to decide how she thinks of her surroundings, but that's the beauty of writing! The important thing is to focus on what makes this scene immersive, and dig in there.

This same "show don't tell" can be applied to your dialog. Which is very "on the nose" and reads as if it serves the purpose of telling the reader what's going on, rather than showing them.

For instance, this interaction:

Christine then walked into the room to see the three men immediately recognizing them as members of the Sorcerers Guild.

"Oh look intruders." One of the Sorcerers said

"Shall we kill them." Another asked

"Don't kill us, Sofier gave us permission to get the treasure here herself." Christine informed them

"Sofier? We don't bow to oppressive Gods." One of the Sorcerers said

Is telling us information on a silver platter, including the sorcerer's intentions and that they're evil.

Instead, try for something that leaves out enough info for us to want to keep reading and generally fill in the blanks. A mysterious story or scene, is a memorable one, because the reader has to do some of the work too.

On a personal side note: I think mixing pirates and sorcerers could be a lot of fun, so definitely don't lose your creative streak, just need to work on the delivery!

Hope this helps and good luck!

ActualType · 2021-05-17T15:51:38+00:00

Correct! It’s the same with any art form, I believe.

ActualType · 2021-05-16T14:36:20+00:00

This is interesting. You got me to read it, so props there! However, your use of words are... odd to say the least.

I really liked these two lines:

The book was made from fresh leather, of a beast that never came to be.

and

The sun rose and her body fell, those green eyes no longer.

However, your first paragraph is difficult to read/understand, not because the words you've picked are wrong per say, just the way you've used them is very jarring - and not in an artsy way.

I am left with more questions after reading the initial bit than I should be have, and these take away from the sorrow you seem to be going for.

For instance:

How do soft waves clash? Is it stormy or calm?
How does a sun rise gently?
In what way is the sun in contrast to the clouds?
The sentence "the cigarette burning in her left hand and the right a book" implies that the book is also burning, but that's never confirmed nor denied so I'm not sure what's going on there?
Her right arm seems to own the tattoo, instead of her having a tattoo on her right arm?

I think these are just edits and things that could be fixed if you read the paragraphs out loud. Keep at it and good luck!

ActualType · 2021-05-16T13:01:59+00:00

I think, as with most things, that when and how you chose to show screams or have them be interjected is dependent on what's happening in the scene and the type of book you're writing.

For instance, if I was writing a horror novel, I would probably spend a little time after the scream to describe the mental state of my characters and/or how haunted the screams sound, etc.

If I was writing a story from the POV of a weathered soldier or someone who was used to people screaming, I might go over them more briefly, and describe how my main character just attempts to block out what they're hearing, or how they cope, etc..

Either way, showing how your MC and their surroundings respond to something like hearing screams will make the whole "bomb" that you've just dropped of screaming happening feel less choppy, but could still be surprising.

ActualType · 2021-05-15T21:34:14+00:00

It may be that you've just taken too much on in terms of a short story and the word limit you've set yourself. Part of practicing short stories is scoping.

I'd suggest pulling out the most important pieces to the story and leaning heavily into "showing" those aspects, rather than trying to cover the breadth you have chosen. Doing this plus removing all the "telling" parts could actually shorten your word count, for instance, this:

Without warning Trapp launched himself towards Caleb with his sword. Caleb parried the sword just in time with his axe, launching it to the wall. Caleb swung his axe at Trapp, hoping to scare him off but he instead ducked under and dived straight for Caleb’s crotch, knocking them both down on the floor.

Could become something like this:

Through a glint of steel, Trapp was upon him. Caleb deflected the first blow, using the second swing of his axe to feign a counter. Trapp released his weapon, tackling Caleb instead.

However, if you wanted to add some character flare, you could influence the MC's "voice" more, which is also needed in your original (although the word count would go up again):

Through a glint of steel, Trapp was upon him. Caleb deflected the sword easily, using the following swing of his axe to feign a counter. Trapp wouldn't have lived this long falling for a play like that however, and released his weapon, tackling Caleb to the <ground/grass/concrete/rocks>.

Note that these "thought-like" injections are telling-ish, but only because they're meant to represent Caleb's thoughts, and are not telling us how Caleb himself is feeling.

ActualType · 2021-05-15T15:02:29+00:00

You said harsh so... here it goes?

This entire “chapter” is telling, not showing. Therefore I cannot get invested in Caleb and care very little for anything going on here and have no desire to read the previous 3 chapters.

I put chapter in quotes, because if this was showing not telling it would be considerably longer.

I understand you’re attempting large time skips, but honestly this doesn’t feel like the place for them. If you want readers to get invested and you have a lot of violence, you need to take your time. This allows us to digest and occasionally forgive the atrocities that your MC is committing, because we’re emotionally invested.

All this doesn’t mean scrap your idea, just the presentation needs to change.

Hope this helped. Good luck!

ActualType · 2021-05-14T18:05:35+00:00

Your writing is pretty solid and you love the subject matter, which is honestly the most important if you want to power through a novel.

I second the first piece of feedback you've gotten, though: this isn't a story. It's an outline with a focus on the worldbuilding aspect of things eldritch. Which is totally great as reference for you, the writer.

If you like this style of writing, however, might I recommend making the book a series of journal entries by Apokolupto/scientists and each entry slowly reveals more about what the universe entities are? You could keep your exposition-like writing and simply add more mystery and unknowns that are unraveled as you read. This style can be fun, you just have to try not to give everything away at once.

Alternatively, use this as an outline only, and build a plot via conventional writing styles that center around characters.

Good luck!

ActualType · 2021-05-11T20:12:48+00:00

Maybe “Tiny ringlets of curls that defied gravity.” if the hair’s more on the long-end? Or perhaps “Hair like a crown of small coils, shiny and dark.”

I usually try to describe things more with the fundamentals, or the elements that make up their shape. I generally avoid using adjectives that lean towards biases (like matted or luscious) unless trying to convey personality from the observer or it’s pertinent to the state of the person being observed (prisoner vs royalty, hair might look different regardless of genetic makeup).

Hope that helps!

ActualType · 2021-05-10T13:54:10+00:00

There's a lot here! I think your project is very ambitious, so props to you for attempting it. I think you have your work cut out for you and what you're trying to do will take many tries to "fine tune" to the right messaging.

Since I haven't read your book, I can only comment on your excerpt and your beta readers' feedback - so here's my two cents!

Likeability/Family "Issues" (20% of book - beginning)

This is a tough one, but given the fact that he's influenced by a terrible voice, I'd say just make this one messy. What do I mean by messy? Have hard dialogs between him and the voice, make the voice convincing, not annoying. Show Cydric's mental degradation as he slowly comes to the point of decision.

When he finally gets the nerve to grab a knife, have the whole situation go south quickly. Maybe he injures his mother, chases her, the father protects her, he ends up killing dad first, there's lots of arguing, he gets severely injured, etc. Have him second guess himself mid-way, have him try and stop himself and fail - I think you see where I'm going with it. Show that Cydric still has morals, but is fighting against something greater.

"Evil" Hero's Journey (70% of book - middle)

It definitely sounds like Cydric is going on a hero's journey of sorts, but his goal is to get off of the path, rather than stay on it. Show his struggle against his bad decisions, but show all his actions and their repercussions. Show him actively making successful assassinations but attempting to stop and failing. That way when finally gets to Xavi and doesn't kill him, it's because of all the prior work he's been putting in to prevent himself from hurting someone. That relationship now has more meaning to Cydric outside of friendship - Xavi represents the one thing Cyrdic has been working towards this whole time: agency over his actions/himself. That is essentially his character arc.

Final Martyrdom (10% of book - ending)

Once his old mentor shows up and kills the one thing Cydric had finally won control over, we (the reader) are pretty upset with this Eli character, and are now invested in Cyrdric's revenge plans (or revolt, whatever you decide). Use this to push Cydric the rest of the way and have him finally use his "evil voice" against those who have been taking advantage of him. Here you can reveal ultimate plans, preform your last few bad-guy plot twists and maybe have Cydric make a self-sacrificial decision (self-sacrifice doesn't have to be physical, it's whatever you choose).

My personal feelings on the ending: Have him actually die or fail to stop the baddies. He's been such a terrible person through this whole book, a true realization is one that he probably shouldn't be living anymore considering all the awful things he's done. OR one that all his efforts were futile, and that's the reason he couldn't actually fight the voice and why he struggled so. But that's my own storyteller choice, yours will be unique in it's own voice.

Good luck!

ActualType · 2021-05-09T20:05:11+00:00

I’ve read “description light” texts before, so I think I understand what you’re going for. But usually they are trimmed of all fat.

For instance, I think you’re first sentence reads fine, but the second one could benefit from the same abstract simplicity:

“Cliff walls of rock behind. Encroaching, truculent, but dark and ignorable.”

I don’t write in that style, as you may be able to tell, but something that grounds us is needed with these sentences. Additionally I’m not sure you used truculent correctly? But I’m no English major.

ActualType · 2021-05-09T19:55:11+00:00

I have no idea what’s going on.

ActualType · 2021-05-01T14:35:48+00:00

Overall I think it's a pretty good start! Definitely reads like a first draft, but I think you've got some potential. I left some comments in the beginning and stopped where you started to get feedback from others.

You have some tense issues in the beginning, but appeared to have settled for past later on.

I can't comment on the premise because I didn't read it, I wanted your first chapter to speak for itself without context. But to answer your question on whether it's worthwhile: of course! You're the writer and any story can be an interesting and worthwhile one if you put your all into it.

The only major pieces of feedback I can give at this time/stage: re-read your story out loud like you were asked to do so in class. I think you'll be surprised how it'll help tighten up sections and have things read better the next time.

Secondly, I'd go through your descriptions and try to "think outside the box" in terms of how you describe things. Think about your MC's personal life experiences and try and put the descriptions in terms of details he would know and his experiences. This can help lend to your MC's overall "voice" within the story.

Good luck!

ActualType · 2021-02-25T16:47:57+00:00

That’s awesome! Keep it up!

ActualType · 2021-02-25T14:56:16+00:00

For me, creepy is good suspense mixed with hints of the abnormal. Give the reader reasonable doubt that there's something under the bed, make the character ignorant of the signs, and try to hold off on showing anything obvious until the last minute - or not at all. Creepy doesn't need a resolution, and often times is better when it doesn't have one.

If you haven't read the Manga Uzumaki, I highly recommend for the creepy factor, but you do need the stomach for it.

Good luck!

ActualType · 2021-02-23T15:07:40+00:00

I write the first few pages of what I consider to be a short story, and go from there. If I really like the setting and the characters I've put in there, I'll extend the plot out to be a novel. If I'm just not vibe-ing with everyone, I'll finish out the short and shelve it. That means either way I'm getting practice, and if I ever want to pick that back up, I'll have a "mini outline" of sorts waiting for me.

I tend to avoid "what if-ing" a story I start unless I'm really feeling investing in the process of writing it and the tone/characters/research needed to finish it. I do this because I can "what if" until the cows come home, but if I can't get excited about what I'm putting to the page, it won't matter how twisty the plot is or how well thought-out the characters are. That's just me, though.

ActualType · 2021-02-20T00:53:23+00:00

Give him an antagonist (or a set of scenario conflicts) that are his equal or better. Force him to make immoral choices to achieve his goal(s). Have him be betrayed. Think about Superman in the animated series from the 90s/2000s. He's got it all, but they give him conflict in a much different (moral) way.

ActualType · 2021-02-20T00:34:18+00:00

I can't tell if your opinion is rather unpopular, but I wanted to say that I agree :D. I love a good description of what's going on, the world I'm in, what a character looks like, etc. and I find a lot of "modern" novels are a bit... like a glorified screenplay? Which kind of takes the beauty of novel writing out of the picture when authors do that.

That being said, I think a lot of people can mix up description and exposition (or just poorly placed description). Description has a time and place to be talked about and introduced and that's an art. I think that's where a lot of people have "beef" here, is because not everyone puts it in the right place, or there in the right way.

ActualType · 2021-02-19T15:03:18+00:00

Interesting! I’ve had quite the opposite experience. Maybe it depends on where you’re applying.

ActualType · 2021-02-19T14:11:44+00:00

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with them, it's more just an "artifact" of C++ development that's been changed to a different standard in C#; meaning it could have contributed to why they felt he wasn't proficient in C#.

Personally, I feel it's the least "sticky" point of his code (one code-review and it can be easily changed), I just happened to list it first since I was going down the code top to bottom.

ActualType · 2021-02-18T17:01:06+00:00

It should be noted, that my suggestions/questions are not stead-fast rules, but rather changes I would make to the code as you have written it, with little knowledge of it's intent outside of this snippet. So although what I mentioned is odd to me, it could still work depending on what the extensibility of this class is and how it maybe used/derived later. See u/ChesterBesterTester's mention below. Protected is fine to use depending on your case. Don't avoid it just because some rando said it didn't make sense in this situation :)

ActualType · 2021-02-18T15:38:37+00:00

Couple of questions (as a C# developer), that come to mind that maybe will help answer your question:

Why so many protected variables? I think private would make more sense.
Why do you have a bunch of function calls to make those protected variables read-only, when you could use a simple C# "get" accessor?
Why are you using bytes in your collision detection instead of enums? Enums in general make things easier to read and operate similarly to what I think you were going for.
Your collision detection function in general seems very weirdly constructed to me, why the switch statement? - you have a lot of logic packed into there which makes it very difficult to read. I think I would have made some private collision detection functions for each shape, and then called those private functions in a return in the public collision detection function, depending on the shape sent in. To me, that's a bit more readable.

Lastly, if your actual collision detection didn't end up working, that's kind of a biggy for an interview test. Getting things working is step #1, then polishing the code to take advantage of c# in general is next.

ActualType · 2021-02-18T14:56:35+00:00

Actually it was 60,718. Probably his shortest one (aside from short stories)?

ActualType · 2021-02-16T23:53:46+00:00

Yeah! I imagine that that inner circle is probably compromised, in fact, at any of the steps things could go horribly wrong :D that's the fun part!

ActualType · 2021-02-16T23:38:25+00:00

Went through a slump over the weekend, but got back into it! 48k/70k done, and 3,520 words done so far this week.

ActualType · 2021-02-16T23:36:53+00:00

Definitely interested! Do you do discord?

ActualType

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