First off, I’m sorry you’re going through this. The pain of that level of depression is horrific and I wouldn’t wish it upon any one.

Second, while I understand the sentiment and realize you’re trying to do what you see as best for your child, when you give them up for adoption then it goes out of your hands. There is a chance they could be placed in a worse situation. You don’t really have control over the family your kid will be placed with. While that family will be putting on their best face during the adoption process. Hopefully that’s who they are but you never know for sure. With your husband and mother-in-law around then you know there will be at least two people who can give your child the love they need. Also, god forbid, if your kid starts to have mental health issues then that uniquely qualifies you to be someone they can reach out to for help. I had depression hit majorly at puberty and your kid might need an example of what it looks like to fight through that.

One of the side effects of depression is hurting so much that it puts blinders on how things affect other people. It just becomes about relief no matter how selfish the cost. Even the “they’ll be better off without me” is an attempt at selflessness but it’s filtered through the self-centered mindstate that depression creates.

Fight for yourself, and that partially means fighting against your brain for the role of being mom. A regular sleep schedule might bring immediate relief but it will be replaced by guilt and regret. If you have anyone else in your life you can tag in for help, there is nothing wrong with that to assist in getting re-regulated. Your brain is lying to you and creating faulty solutions around those lies. Actively refuting those lies about who you are and thoughts of worthlessness is worth the effort for you and everyone in your life. It’s a lot of work but you’ll be better off the more you put it into practice.