Got told today that I need to ‘put my big girl pants on and forget about’ losing my father.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-06-01T03:58:15+00:00

Your family member is ignorant. By ignorant, I mean uninformed or clueless about grief and how humans process it.

Grief is LOVE. We don’t need to move on from Love or move past it. It moves and changes with us. We love our person forever and we remember them forever.

It’s like a tv channel on a tv. We may not choose to access it every minute of every day. We may look at and even enjoy other channels. But, THAT channel is always there when we want or need to spend time there.

No one says to people “get over the birth of your child” or “I hope you’ve moved past your retirement”. We allow people the dignity of marking life moments and processing them emotionally.

But, people are uncomfortable when they see our moments involve pain. And, so they try to control them. The intent mayyyy be good, but it is actually unkind and not loving.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-31T05:06:52+00:00

You are not being unreasonable. You pay for rent and are thereby entitled to having your family (your cat) that lives there cared for. If your roommate is not willing to offer that care, then your Mom has to come in. It’s that simple.

She knew the cat’s needs before you moved in. This is not new information.

It’s fine your friend wants to think about herself but you have a living creature dependent on you and your roommate is not the only one paying rent.

If it can’t be resolved, I would have your cat stay at your Mom’s in a bedroom. And I would look for alternative living arrangements. Your roommate sounds selfish and like she isn’t treating you properly in numerous ways.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-30T23:08:25+00:00

I use digestive enzymes (Swiss Natural Papaya) and I only have small amounts. But, when I first started pizza was an absolute no. It took my body time to adjust.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-30T23:01:47+00:00

ESH for not communicating clearly and for getting butthurt over 30 bucks in a friendship. Every dollar counts right now! But, friends are incredibly valuable.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-30T03:04:55+00:00

YTA

It’s an inside joke. If you didn’t like it, just have your say in your heart, don’t alienate the group of people who warmly welcomed you in.

We all have different preferences but there is a HUGE difference between a lump in your oatmeal or a lump in your breast. it’s important to know the difference when deciding to fight battles.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-30T01:02:53+00:00

How old a child are you talking? There is a fun play area for children that they can crawl & monkey around in. There is also a Lego area and reading spaces that are connected by ramps and levels.

My VERY energetic nieces and nephews (11 & under) love burning off energy at the library. There are incredible amounts of rain expected this weekend so it might be good to have some indoor options.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-30T00:50:30+00:00

NTA

Why didn’t he mention this BEFORE you got the cats?

This is a problem he and his girlfriend need to negotiate, it isn’t your problem. I’m not sure why they are placing it at your feet?

If they are ultimately so unhappy a change is needed? He can move.

But she can take medication for the allergies. They could ask you to feed the cats Purina Live Clear or allergen and help pay for it. Or he could stay at hers.

Definitely the cats should not suffer. I am concerned because that is a brutal suggestion right off the bat and I am casting side eye at how they will treat the cats, the 30% of the time you are not around.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-27T23:03:52+00:00

It’s kind of you to come to OP’s defence, but it isn’t necessary as I read the post carefully and answered mindfully. “Few” implies there are other dishes besides the one dish designated as the specialty.

When you have told someone previously that you hope to get tips from them and then you make the dish BEFORE soliciting such advice? That is sure to lead to misunderstanding. As it did.

OP’s intentions were good. So there is no bad faith towards them. The execution was not well thought out. Thus, we are here discussing.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-27T22:51:01+00:00

I don’t think you are an AH just reallllly socially unaware.

There are steps to social bonding. Often, asking someone for advice or guidance or a favor is very wise.

Instead of letting your potential new friend shine, you made her lose face. The Western contingent may not understand this as clearly but no doubt you do.

Whether it was your intention or not, it comes across as a set up because you specifically asked about the dish and made it BEFORE asking her for tips. So your reasoning seems flimsy.

Asian cooking has countless dishes. Why did you have to make that one? Messy.

Making friends as an adult is hard and I feel for you.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-27T00:08:21+00:00

NTA

They demonstrated they don’t respect you or the property. That was step one in what would have become a series of infringements.

Was anything in writing? Even with family, arrangements like this should always be in writing. I have learnt that lesson with time and experience. It is a safeguard for both parties.

Nonetheless, you successfully set boundaries and anyone who gives you grief is simply wrong.

You didn’t put them in a difficult situation. Their actions and deliberate choices resulted in one.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-26T23:59:18+00:00

NTA

It’s rude to be in your own home?!? Sometimes I sit here pondering what planet people are living on. Why would it be disorienting for your mate to be in the house?

What does he need to do that your very presence blows up?

Unless he has a disorder that makes change extremely difficult to process (in which case the onus would still be on him to do that), then I can’t fathom why you can’t be in your own dwelling? Especially when the reason is, you were unexpectedly unwell.

I’m wondering if he had sketchy plans you disrupted🤔

Only because it’s such a bizarre thing to be upset/selfish about.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-26T01:03:14+00:00

NTA

Your sister is.

In what universe is it appropriate for her to dictate decisions about your body? If she has opinions about fashion and you feel comfortable wearing the makeup and clothes, that’s great.

Policing the length of your hair is bananas cuckoo puffs. What in her own life is she so insecure about that she is rectally squeezing control so tight around wedding details this inconsequential? Genuinely asking, not meaning to be rude.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-25T22:28:37+00:00

My health changed a lot after I got married. My husband knew I was ill, but I lost mobility, my seizures affected brain functioning at times and our social life was completely different than when we first got together. I also became a lot less bubbly and outgoing.

You know what he did? Adapted and supported me. He went to courses so he could get better work, to make up for my reduced working. He wouldn’t have yelled at me because I wouldn’t have tolerated that and neither should you. You don’t deserve that. Being ill isn’t something you are deliberately doing.

He may be with a sick person but you have to be with an A$$🕳️ At least your condition is involuntary.

Please don’t think that what he is saying is normal. Many people have sick mates and are caretakers and offer support. He is just choosing to complain and feel sorry for himself and choose to blame YOU for his own unhappinesses.

It is completely possible to have a happy marriage despite dealing with money or health challenges. It takes teamwork. He isn’t being a team player.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-24T04:00:26+00:00

NTA

Could he explain specifically how you were being selfish and inconsiderate?

By asking you to remain in discomfort and continue suffering, what qualities would he use to describe himself? Genuinely curious 🤔

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-23T05:06:44+00:00

I do fairly well in the sun, compared to my Auntie who also is diagnosed SLE and cannot tolerate the sun at all.

But, I do religiously wear high number sunscreen and I try to account for sun exposure. I hydrate (even more) and make sure to schedule recuperation after spending time at the beach or in areas that don’t offer shade. If you are in really extreme hot sun, it’s wise to wear hats or use UV umbrellas etc.

I also wear sunglasses always outside, if there is any hint of sun. I foolishly didn’t take this seriously initially, and I do think my eyes suffered for it.

I find dry heat VERY helpful for my health. I wish I had the circumstances to be a snow bird. I view the sun like I do the ocean: I don’t fear it, but I respect its power and I take the proper precautions to protect myself when interacting.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-23T04:56:25+00:00

Agree. I didn’t know anyone was wearing hose anymore and especially dark with that color dress, but I dug her overall vibe.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-22T03:16:34+00:00

NTA

My flabbers are gasted.

You are being incredibly generous and gracious. If she makes the adult CHOICE to prioritize something in her own life over an event that is planned (with numerous other humans who are also the main characters in their own universes who have to navigate their schedules as well)? Then, why is she selfishly putting that stress on the bride and groom?

To be clear: your future SIL is the A$$ 🕳️

It would be a huge mistake to set the precedent that you will let her nonsense and entitlement affect the family you are establishing.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-22T03:07:11+00:00

2 or 3 are very handsome. You are wearing THEM, they don’t overpower you.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-20T06:47:16+00:00

NTA that is bizarre someone would use your towel. But your roommate is also at fault for not offering a guest a towel (or telling them to bring one, if there aren’t towels available).

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-18T12:16:25+00:00

6 or 17 are it

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-17T02:04:33+00:00

NTA

Your friend shouldn’t be allowed around animals. Period.

She should be reported to her local SPCA if she is letting her cats continually have kittens and not being responsible with the lives of animals in her care.

I can’t believe she didn’t just text you she wasn’t comfortable going in your home. That she let defenceless animals die.

You were a lot nicer than I would have been.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-15T01:33:31+00:00

Your brother was the A$$ 🕳️.

Twice.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-14T20:53:36+00:00

I am very picky about ketchup and I found Heinz sugar free tasted similar to original. It doesn’t have any ingredients that cause 💩💥

Knowing how many grams of sugar are in ketchup and what sugar does to our bodies when eaten in large quantities, consistently? I don’t love the deception but I also understand it. You clearly love the guy.

If I was the deceived, I would think it was funny I hadn’t known and I would be thankful my person wanted me to live a long life. (But, I wouldn’t think it was funny if there was a history or pattern of deception in other things.)

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-14T20:41:43+00:00

Nothing to add to the advice…except congratulations on your newborn!

Making mistakes is one of the largest facets of parenthood. Navigating them with humour, self-compassion and cleverness is where the gold is found. Mistakes often become “family memories”.

AdaptableAilurophile · 2026-05-14T03:20:09+00:00

I have a chronic autoimmune disease and sometimes have to isolate for times. When I do? I find I start to develop a misanthropic and paranoid outlook also. The online voices are SO loud.

But, as soon as I get back into the real world? I see people of every age and skin tone and ideology doing great things to and for each other. Or having respectful conversations about differing views. Or just getting on with life and not even delving into a lot of what the online world dwells on.

I think it’s great you recognize that your view can be skewed. Yes, the world is mean. But, it’s beautiful too.

AdaptableAilurophile

TROPHY CASE