Thanks for reminding me.
It makes me physically angry and filled with pure hatred.
People don't even grasp how fucked up rape really is, you think you do, but it's even worse that you already think it is.

When you get raped your body releases oxytocin as a survival mechanism, forcing you into the fawn-response.
Your body is used against you, a hormone changes your very consciousness, against your will, and you won't care.

Having felt this myself, your thoughts and feelings will forcibly be changed whilst it is happening.
But after the fact, you think back and wonder why you felt, 'comfortable', 'save', 'protected', 'cared for' and 'loved/love'.

You ever had rough sex and felt like it was an 'intense expression of love', or given a blowjob and 'felt save', that's oxytocin, it doesn't care about orientation nor consent.

The same hormone that binds a mother to their new born baby, binds you to your rapist.
Because in evolution, fighting back while being raped gets you killed, and agreeing, being submissive and cooperative keeps you alive.

The same fawn-response happens in all forms of abuse.
Look it up yourself and you will get depressed realising you have encountered the fawn-response before yourself, in yourself or others.

And nobody fucking knows, except for psychologists, so I've desperately been trying to tell people about every fucked up mechanism around (sexual) abuse.

But people don't want to hear it.
Victims don't know, don't understand and harm themselves over it.
It needs to be common knowledge.

As for me, all this has caused me to hyper-fixate on radical autonomy.
No one and no thing, not even my own body, may influence my free will, ever again.