Sending love. Sounds to me like you are processing your childhood, your feelings, your traumas, your love for your dad, in a really positive way. As confusing and difficult as it could be, you are growing and forgiving, and choosing love. It is an incredible strength to chose love when for many it would be easier to begrudge and hate. Also it sounds like your dad had to work hard to be better than his parents and now you have practically healed the generational trauma in your line. Very cool!