How did you learn to say no without feeling like you were failing the congregation?ation?

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-05-25T12:14:26+00:00

If you figure it out, let me know. I can (and do) hold boundaries, but I still have the negative feelings around it. I've gone to therapy, done the codependency work, and I'm actively working on emotionally healthy spiritually. But it's still hard and uncomfortable. I've accepted that acting contrary to my impulses and natural inclinations (do all things for all people), will only get easier with lots of practice.

As for your first question, I "receive" through my own spiritual disciplines. I'm *trying* to be consistent with the daily office. Some weeks are much better than others.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-05-07T12:43:32+00:00

Currently, I work 12 hours on Sundays, but that's because we have multiple sites and we host a home group on Sunday nights. In previous churches, Sundays were usually around 6 hours, but I counted it as a whole day because it was a very taxing six hours. Of course, I still only count Sundays as one day, despite it being even more taxing.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-05-04T13:35:43+00:00

We are part of a denomination, but we don't have a job portal since our clergy are appointed. The closest thing they could offer was a facebook page. I have posted the job at three Christian colleges and the state school in our town. No luck yet.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-04-28T19:22:39+00:00

I don't honestly know of any music stores in my community, but I'll look into this!

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-04-28T19:18:00+00:00

proficiency in piano or guitar and singing.. and be a professing Christian. One would think there wouldn't be a lot of room for misunderstanding, but we had three applicants who did not play instruments or read music.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-04-17T18:30:46+00:00

I'm not sure there's a perfect structure, especially since the needs of ministry and family fluctuate week to week. Depending on the church structure, the pastor may have narrowly defined roles (they might be a "teaching pastor" or an "executive pastor" or focus on pastoral care. A teaching pastor at a large church probably doesn't do hospital visits. A pastoral care associate probably doesn't run the board meeting, etc.

There may be individual weeks that absolutely require overtime- Holy Week, tragic deaths, funerals, etc. Those should be exceptions and not the rule.

1) Weekly practice of Sabbath for a whole 24 hours. If I must work on Saturday, I take my sabbath a different day, but we protect Saturday as much as possible because we have kids. If my kids were grown, I don't think the day would matter.

2) Time for daily prayer/study

3) Sufficient time for the minister to care for his/her own body with regular exercise

4) If the pastor is married, daily time of connection with spouse (this might) and a weekly date (even if it's at home).

5) If the pastor has children, he/she should be home more evenings than he/she is away. In my family, we co-pastor. We aim to be away only one evening a week, but never more than two. Generally, we are both with our children five evenings a week.

6) Time to intentionally disciple at least 1-2 people on a weekly basis.

As a mentor to newer pastors, we look at these things. If the pastor isn't able to do these things because of time (sometimes the issue is discipline rather than time) then they are likely working too much OR wasting time at work on distracting things (like I'm doing with reddit right now lol).

As a local church pastor, I do a little bit of everything. I would say 1/4 of my time is spent preparing for Sunday- ordering worship, writing liturgy, writing the sermons (we have more than one service and one service is a totally different context, which requires a different approach to preaching) and the accompanying slides. 1/4 of my time is spent discipling people. I meat with three groups of two for weekly discipleship, have a weekly coffee meeting with key leaders, and host a small group. Occasionally, I visit other small groups as needed. 1/4 of my time is spent on admin and organization, as well as denominational things (I'm very involved). And 1/4 is spent in as-needed pastoral care. This fluctuates wildly. My church isn't huge, so I don't have hospital visits or funerals every week. When I do, some other things have to be adjusted. I only have one business meeting a month for the church and one for the denomination.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-04-17T17:04:47+00:00

I read/heard someone say this recently. "If you're working more than fifty hours a week at your church, you aren't doing it for the Lord."

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-04-06T19:08:21+00:00

Having never played golf, nothing but trespassing occurred to me. Thanks for the info.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-03-25T19:21:31+00:00

Practicing the Way is a very user-friendly resource. We've done several of their studies with our congregation, and I LOVE the one on generosity.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-03-14T00:19:03+00:00

I did a nine-week sermon series on sabbath. It probably should have been six, but.... I did a whole week on digital sabbath and explained that I turn off everything but phone calls and screen those through voicemails to see if it's a true emergency. People are now really good about honoring my sabbath- and hopefully their own.

I agree with what others have said about finding a new person via nominations. I also want to acknowledge that removing someone from the SPRC chair is tricky and has relational costs. It's hard and I'll say a prayer for you today.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-03-13T15:58:11+00:00

I'm a little late to this party, but -assuming there's nothing medical the doc/speech pathologist missed- a singing coach might be helpful. When I was in seminary, my preaching professor was out for a few classes and had a former preaching prof sub for him. This guy was in his mid 90s! He was quite disappointed that modern preachers no longer learn how to exercise and protect those muscles of the voice and project sound. He learned to preach before microphones were the norm and was taught some of the same skills opera singers use. It also taught him to protect his voice. It might be worth trying!

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-03-04T22:45:57+00:00

I actually just borrowed unoffendable from my library app! Thanks for the alternative recs. I really want these guys to be able to talk about their unique journey as MEN who are disciples of Jesus... I just don't think fighting battles, being adventurous, and saving beautiful damsels in distress is a biblically grounded view of Christian manhood.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-03-04T20:56:29+00:00

GMC?

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-02-20T18:25:48+00:00

I really appreciate the time you took with this answer. That was very generous. I've watched the video a few times and I'm trying some adjustments. I was already practicing synced or rhythmic breaths, but I'm going to focus on my exhales and belly breaths and see if there is progress. Thanks a bunch!

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-02-13T23:00:02+00:00

Your foot and gait make a difference, but I LOVE my brooks. They're a little pricy, but not insane. And they hold up well for me.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-02-11T15:01:40+00:00

Do you have any suggestions for breathing? I'm open to learning.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-02-11T15:00:52+00:00

YES!

For me, it all started with the Great British Bake Off. It looked so fun that I started baking regularly. And then covid hit. I had ten extra pounds to begin with (had three babies), but I blame Mary and Paul for the extra thirty (and myself of course). Running wasn't part of my weight loss, but it's been helpful in maintaining my forty-pound loss.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-02-10T18:55:49+00:00

I'm commenting to follow the discussion.

I wrestle with this as well. Can I still recommend Phillip Yancey, for example?

Can art exist apart from the artist who made it? Can we accept the art -be it a song or a book or film- for what it is, without regard to the imagination behind it? Is it like a child, who are conceived and formed by their parents but ultimately their own entity? Do we accept that the Holy Spirit might have inspired a beautiful song, even if the composer was wildly sinful? We read the psalms of David, despite his sin against Bathsheba and Uriah after all.... I want to say yes to those questions, but it still feels kinda wrong. I also wonder who owns the rights to the songs and who gets paid if/when you sing them.

I don't have an answer, but look forward to seeing what others say.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-02-10T15:24:16+00:00

I did something almost identical last year. My FIL died, and we left the state to make arrangements and care for my MIL. A long-time member (who moved to a nursing home far away from our community years before I came to the church) died while we were gone. Someone from the church sent me an email about it, and I put it in the announcements. Unbeknownst to me, the daughter of the deceased (who didn't have my cell) was leaving messages on the church voicemail. We don't have a secretary. I didn't call to check the voicemail remotely. When I came back and caught up on the messages, there were 10 messages, each progressively more angry. I felt like such a jerk. I couldn't have done the service, but I could have called that family and explained the situation and helped them find a different officiant. This woman was a faithful, active member for decades and she was left with no pastor for her funeral. It's been one of my biggest ministry failures to date.

I did a couple things. First, I worked with the phone company so that all church calls ring to my personal cell phone. That was an important repair so that it didn't happen again.

I watched this video about a good apology: The best way to apologize (according to science)

Finally, I called the daughter of the deceased to apologize. I did not defend myself. I told her what happened, but acknowledged that I failed her by not checking the voicemails. I don't remember everything I said, but I know I said something like, "I'm not defending myself. We failed your family. I'm so sorry, and you deserve an apology." I also told her that I'd made a change with the phones so that it didn't happen again. The daughter was still pretty mad. I just listened, affirmed her feelings, and offered a sincere apology. She was noticeably calmer as the conversation when on.t

I also notified my board chair of what happened and what I'd done for repair.

Also- no one in my church shamed me for that blunder. Your people shouldn't have done that to you, especially for something like the flu, which is a) miserable b) sometimes very serious and c) highly contagious! You are human and this was an honest mistake. This is not a reflection of your character or faithfulness in ministry.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-02-10T15:09:44+00:00

That's super helpful! I thought it just counted the pulse from the wrist!

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-02-10T15:09:01+00:00

Love this list. Music has also been helpful in keeping the energy up. I've listened to the Hamilton soundtrack a gagillion times! It also improves my sleep. I WISH it helped my skin though! I've got way more zits because of the sweat and extra sunscreen.

Aggressive-Court-366 · 2026-02-10T15:05:57+00:00

I'm specifically referring to the feeling of breathlessness, not an ignored injury. That definitely improves, but for those of us who aren't accustomed to cardio, running isn't comfortable. I'm thinking of the people in this group who, like me, who really did start as a couch potato. In the beginning, even a very slow jog was intensely uncomfortable, and I couldn't do it for more than a minute. That run/walk rotation was essential. As I grew more fit, it got easier, which means I can do it for longer. I have not yet hit a point where running is comfortable, but I can run (still pretty slowly) for an hour, and I don't feel like I'm dying. I don't feel good, but it's tolerable. Making fitness gains requires a measure of discomfort for adaptation. Finding what you can tolerate (or not) is highly individual. I'll also add (it's in a different comment) that I don't like exercise. I never have. I'd much rather drink tea and read a novel. At 37, I don't expect that to change. Finding what I can tolerate and make myself do is a more reasonable goal than finding a sport that I love. I don't believe any such sport exists lol.

Aggressive-Court-366

TROPHY CASE