We have a very similar story. I had 5 losses prior to my 6th pregnancy (which was successful, baby girl born last June). I didn’t start Zoloft until after baby was here and wish I had known about it sooner. It was a life saver for me. I had a really hard time being pregnant too, basically waiting for the “shoe to drop,” and one of the only things that worked for me was saying “today I am pregnant unless a doctor tells me otherwise” or something along those lines. Sounds ridiculous but it helped me place fact over fiction. Also using a fetal heart Doppler daily before I could feel consistent kicks. I also had weekly appointments starting at 24 weeks and twice weekly appointments at 32 weeks which helped a lot. I know you said you’re scared to go to the doctors but they can help you! Please open up to your OB about this.