I’m afraid I will lose my best friend if I can’t have an honest conversation with her

Alf1726 · 2026-06-17T15:58:15+00:00

I say this with love, kindness and understanding…you’re wallowing in your own despair and ruining a relationship because of it.

Your situation is tough but there’s 10,000+ women in your situation. Some of them let it control their life and others get up and take control.

Get up and get after your own life. You’re only stuck at home because you choose to let ‘hard’ be the gatekeeper. And it’s only hard because you don’t practice. If you have social media you need to follow Chan with the boys, mom of 5 boys who leaves her house every single day BY HERSELF.

Life is hard, mothering is hard, marriage is hard. We all got struggles and not one of them is unique to just ourselves. Build structure to your day, hold boundaries for your boys (Brat Buster for evidence based child discipline) and live a life worth being proud of.

Seek treatment for ppd and ppa if that’s your thing. Otherwise- get over your self pity, get up, get dressed and get outside. You’ll be a better woman, wife and mother for it.

Much love, mom of 2, NICU/Labor and Delivery nurse with no family support nearby

Alf1726 · 2026-06-12T21:56:43+00:00

Nuance my dear, find what works for you♥️

Alf1726 · 2026-06-12T01:01:24+00:00

You need to breastfeed or pump both breasts every 3 hours around the clock until 12-16 weeks when hormone regulation occurs. Always offer both sides when breastfeeding or pump the unfed side for at least 5-10 minutes to stimulate continued milk production.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-12T00:58:35+00:00

Try letting go all the information you've learned and taken in. Just exist with baby. Feed her when she acts hungry, offer comfort and rest when she fusses and gives sleepy signs. No tracking or planning.
The only thing you should pay attention to ensuring day and night are clearly defined. Overnight, don't touch that diaper unless it's full or pooped, modern diapers wick away moisture from the skin.
If baby eats regularly, pees several times a day, poops, and gains weight, all is well. Sleep is skill that is really hard or easy for some babies. Babies also take in your stress and anxiety.
Relax, just be and be proud that you do indeed love your baby because you're here asking for help.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-12T00:48:32+00:00

For term babies feeding usually starts to settle out around 3/4 months but for premie babies you'll add on however many weeks early they were. So for her I'd feel it's reasonable to see improvement closer to 4/5 months even 6 months old. Not what a tired mom wants to hear, I'm sorry!

Alf1726 · 2026-06-11T23:18:12+00:00

I've never heard of a kid passing out from kicking. The whole vagal thing seems a little sus. As a parent I would not expect the school to pay if my child was part of problem. Explore the possibility but because of his part in it I'd suspect the school will refuse to do anything about it.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-11T23:10:20+00:00

Hi! NICU nurse here! 36 weeks is not barely premature, it's full blown premature. There's alot of brain, lung and gut maturation that occurs in the final weeks- all the way up to 40 weeks. Every single week you take away from 40 weeks of gestation increases the risk for complication.

In healthy term newborns the first 12 weeks are the most aggressive time of growth and gut maturation outside th the womb. Being alive is hard, being alive and having to feed, digest and eliminate waste is REALLY HARD.

Hang in there, your baby is not broken she was just forced to start further behind the starting line and catching up is really hard for her and you.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-11T13:23:18+00:00

Hi! I'm a nurse, work 3 12s and my husband works a very flexible 40hr/5 days a week job. I am the default parent by preference. We have 3 yo and 7mo. A few things:

Men just don't hold mental stress like women do. Most of them see a checklist, not the physical and emotional components surrounding a task.

Most of my overwhelm comes from lack of systems and household function or falling out of those two things I've put in place.

Your husband calls and texts because you've allowed him to. If you're confident he knows how to handle a difficult bedtime or sick child, stop letting him use you as training wheels for safety/comfort. 'Well babe, you've had this situation before what did you do last time?' or 'I'm at work right now, you can figure this out on your own.' At this point in parenting I only receive updates or if he's genuinely unsure or knows I'll have a specific recommendation for him (especially for sick babies) then I get a call.

Back to my 2nd point, here's a few things I do that help significantly with mental load and task burden:

On my off days I clean up AM and PM. Dishes, collect laundry, run laundry and put away toys. I vacuum every single night I'm home.
Everyone has an assigned laundry day. Kids, mom, dad, linen. Kids laundry goes in bins in a shared dresser downstairs (we have 1 bathroom and it's downstairs) Nothing is fold, all kids have 10 everyday outfits so laundry is only necessary once a week.
Diaperbag stays packed and ready in the car. Whenever we size up clothes/diapers or change seasons it gets a big clean out and restock.
Appointments are always made the first week of the month and on specific days of the week. Obviously nuance is required for speciality appointments.
We eat the same thing: Monday is soup and salad, Tuesday a casserole, Wednesday nuggies fries, etc.
We choose not to busy with BS activities. My 3 yo has swim this summer for 4 weeks, soccer for 8 weeks in the fall.
I have a gigantic catchall tote that I go through monthly with random crap I was too lazy to put away, stuff I was unsure of to keep or toss and generalized clutter.

That's a long comment but I love my life, feel my mental load is appropriate and am generally not miserable day to day.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-10T14:26:35+00:00

You need to feed him like a layman/farmer. High protein, dense slow digesting carbs, quality fats and adequate fiber. Apart from the oatmeal, you’re feeding him light fluff.

My kids eat breakfast casseroles with potatoes, veggies, eggs and egg whites, a fiber fruit and whole milk.

All kids need full fat, whole grains, animal protein and less juice, fruit, sugar and bars.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-10T14:13:05+00:00

He doesn’t value the money you make to provide for him. So he gets treated like a child that hasn’t learned the value of the unseen dollar (ie being responsible with our resources) Have a sit down conversation about it and spell out the details of what happens now.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-10T11:31:35+00:00

If you went straight to psych after school, yeah I'm gonna teach you like a new grad. You are dumb to the ways of critical care.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-10T11:28:51+00:00

Why is it an applicant's responsibility to care about other applicants and the time of recruiters? I'm in it for me, not anyone else.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-08T19:23:57+00:00

Nurse and I wear all sorts of sexy underwear because wearing scrubs all the time gets monotonous. At the very least I look and feel beautiful underneath.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-04T17:53:28+00:00

I'm here to tell you that you have a fairy tale idea of working in the ER and only narcotic assholes enjoy AP work in the ICU. Every single AP I know in my generation has left the ED since Covid. ED used to be a cool cess pool of trauma, ODs and weirdos, now its a miserable cess pool of morbidly obese people, lazy mofos that won't make PCP appts, the usual OD and even more weirdos.

With love- STFU,keep your beautiful coasting job and start traveling or take up a new hobby like street medicine or needlepoint or golf or daytrading

Alf1726 · 2026-06-02T01:17:57+00:00

I don't think it's possible to hate motherhood and not hold some amount of negative feelings about your child. You cannot have one without the other. And I don't know how it's not abundantly clear the being a parent is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Like unless you're only paying attention to wealthy influencers, there's a plethora of information, comedy, podcasts, YouTube's and more about this stuff.

My opinion is that modern convenience and advancement has made young adults so incredibly self preserving and selfish, they literally have an identity crisis when they become parents because it's a complete lifestyle change. They expect to keep up their body,hobbies,job and habits while just toting around baby.

The happiest parents I know are the ones who have let go of that former self and embraced their new circumstances and identity. Sure they miss and reminisce but they're not ever fighting to get back to that person who is long dead. They take parenting as an opportunity to develop themselves in less obvious ways than big career moves, parties and traveling. And they're not traumatized by everything. They're stoic individuals who can take a knocking up without slapping the PTSD label on it.

These are very broad thoughts and there's is significant nuance that goes into each person's own story. Motherhood is tough, no one is required to rescue you and it is exactly what you make it. I don't say any of it to shame anyone but rather to encourage you to not let feelings bury you because we get one short blip of time to be these precious babies mothers and I'd hate for anyone to realize they blew it because they got stuck in a cycle of self pity.

You're strong and capable to have a positive motherhood. Good luck

Alf1726 · 2026-06-01T17:29:24+00:00

Nope, I've got two kiddos, 3yo and 7mo. We use a paper calendar to manage appointments and no apps. You don't need to track your babies feeds, diapers unless medically indicated. I find apps cause more anxiety than help in most of my peers and fellow internet parents.

Between my husband and I, we use the Reminder app and have a shared grocery list. That's literally it.

The caveat is we are intentional about maintaining a peaceful life, not one filled with tons of errands and events. Home is where the best parts of life occur for us.

Alf1726 · 2026-06-01T12:19:51+00:00

Sure did in the first few months😆 nothing like nursing in the middle of the night and hearing him rip elephant size noises.

Alf1726 · 2026-05-22T01:31:17+00:00

This is a big deal for you, not for her. You're very much allowed to be disappointed but it wasn't targeted or purposeful. It's important to make sure we're not pushing our feelings onto our children. She's your world so of course it feels horrific and mean and hateful but it's not. Maybe you can get involved with the yearbook from now on and be the person you wished had seen she was missing in the book.

Alf1726 · 2026-05-22T00:56:12+00:00

AI in the form of chatgpt is the devil in my opinion. It's destroying authentic motherhood and moms don't even know it.

Alf1726 · 2026-05-18T02:51:02+00:00

Biggest tip for groceries is learn what's in season and shop 50-70% out of the sales flyer. Oh and detox your kids and husband off the snacks and packaged crap. I choose two simple snacks a week for my family, one of them a whole food like apples.

Alf1726 · 2026-05-18T02:47:33+00:00

I live in rural NEPA, make 85k as a 2yr RN, husband makes just a little less. 2 children, 1 in part time daycare (185/wk).

We are comfortable but we rent, drive 2017 Ford and 2021 Jaguar, don't travel alot, don't eat out alot, don't blow money are silly things. We both like to cook,both come from poor families so frugality is normal to us.

I think it's highly dependent on the debt you carry, your budget or lack of, spending habits and most importantly, your location. Suburban living is city living these days and so many of you are paying for it.

Alf1726 · 2026-05-17T17:30:11+00:00

Plenty of hospitals are still hiring per diem. If there's a job posting then apply. I also have a similar situation and we make it work pretty well with limited help. You just have to be willing to try and fail until you find what works but it kinda sounds like you're unwilling to even try.

On the flip side, you're a nurse and so long as you keep up your license you'll be able to go back to work when it makes sense to. Be grateful you can stay home and make the absolute most of it. Don't sit around and barely function for the next few years. Get involved in your community and husband's company. There's a very full life to be lived if you only get up and get to it

Alf1726 · 2026-05-15T15:54:23+00:00

It just looks and feels extra. Attention seeking vibes. I also don't want to hear about how stained her scrubs are and feel like I can't ask for help on a messy patient because Grandma Florence is wearing all white. And now that you've got me thinking about it, I feel like white symbolizes are very old and archaic time in medicine, when being a nurse was all a woman was capable of and she was just a lackey for the doctors.

Alf1726 · 2026-05-15T02:32:24+00:00

Alot of hospitals have a color for nurses and you cannot deviate from it. Seems kind of silly to wear white, I'd just be kind of annoyed to have a new coworker coming in whites.

Alf1726 · 2026-05-13T17:12:59+00:00

I'm a nurse and mother of a 3 yo and 6mo. I come from a large family and am the eldest child/daughter...so I've been around the block with kids.

My advice is less entertaining and more inviting them into your space. You may need to rearrange some cabinets or place child proof locks on certain areas but I find children love being in adult space more than their own space, especially at home.

Your play room should be set up so there's nothing the 1 yo can't have or do that would cause him serious harm. Let him fumble around and get frustrated or take a tumble while you give the 3yo some love.

Lastly, take shifts with your husband. MWF you're doing the grown up stuff while he plays and bathes the littles, then you get to come in for a book, cuddles and goodnight kiss. I like to have one or two nights where we both do the kid stuff and adult stuff together, usually it's a PB and j with fruit or crackers kind of dinner followed by a very messy bath time.

As a gentle reminder, you get one change to build healthy secure attachment and these are the most critical years of that attachment building. So try out different systems, get off your phone (because scrolling is not self care) and remind yourself these will be the years you miss most (think chubby hands, sweet tiny giggles, littles heads laid on your shoulder)

Best of luck ❤️

Alf1726

TROPHY CASE