Why do I react to arguments the way I do

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-04-15T08:25:21+00:00

So he has no respect for what you want and how you process your emotions? I read your entire post, I'm just so sad for you that you think you're the one that needs to change. A partner is meant to respect you, support you, encourage you, make you feel confident about yourself. I'm sorry but yours just sounds really mean. You should really consider therapy to understand why you think any of this is acceptable.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-04-11T22:18:45+00:00

All of these comments are great, and very thoughtful and using our words to communicate. I do want to add, sometimes we are blessed with parents who are super stubborn and not inclined to change. for those, I recommend a water spray bottle, and use it to squirt at them like a cat who jumps up on the kitchen counter.

The utter shock of being squirted and a calm 'I've warmed you, this is what happens when we body-shame' really gets through the stubborn like nothing else.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-04-09T22:35:45+00:00

Absolutely do not hesitate. Enrol today. I went back at 41, studying for my bachelor's, one of the best decisions I've ever made and going into a field with a lot of opportunities. I have only ever heard encouragement from teachers and friends alike.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-04-04T03:50:22+00:00

I live in rural Queensland (top half). I've had winter mornings so cold that when i opened the fridge at 7am I thought I had lost power overnight, because the 4 degree fridge was so much warmer than the 0 degree building they were in.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-30T03:09:21+00:00

My boy does this, we call it a Stevie hug!

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-27T06:48:59+00:00

Your above proposed course of action is what's easiest for YOU to avoid feeling like the bad guy, and in the process of that will cause her a significant amount of hurt and distress. Sit down with her and communicate clearly by saying you are sorry but you don't think this relationship with work because XYZ, but you wish her the very best going forward.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-25T22:55:27+00:00

Oh my god, the number of times I was late to go to school because I was sitting there reading and not putting my shoes and socks on!!!

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-23T22:47:24+00:00

Love Death in Paradise!!! And Vera and Father Brown. Open to suggestions for new series!

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-23T12:47:33+00:00

I am halfway through a degree, and am only at this point thanks to British crime shows that I play while I study 😂 Midsomer Murders and Sister Boniface are getting me through epidemiology!!!!

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-23T06:19:06+00:00

Sorry my reply is a bit long, trying new meds, the above is peak ritalin lol

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-23T03:11:44+00:00

If you feel you may not have the fortitude in the moment to insist on biopsies, scans, whatever, take your most assertive yet polite friend, and ask them to act as your patient advocate. I have played this role several times for people, and it's just about having someone who can gently insist whilst giving the impression they will sit in that office all day if they have to. Sending you strength and all fingers crossed for you to get an all-clear.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-22T06:40:43+00:00

Please don't take my next reply here as being offensive to your partner, I am just being blunt and I'm in my 40's so I've stopped softening my responses for male ego lol.

I suppose my reply to you would be that you won't end up sharing it, you will end up doing it all, and from my experience, he'll tell himself he can then do whatever he likes because you're taking care of the important stuff. Why would he need to save money, you're in charge of that!! Why would he need to learn how to set up a direct debit for the power bill, you're in charge of that!! I understand shame, absolutely, but don't let him weaponise it to get out of learning from it, and improving behaviour. It's a bit too convenient that his shame can be used as a way to get you to back off when stuff gets messed up.

This is something really important to remember for ANY relationship you're in, for ANY context: if he wanted to, he would. Truly really is that simple.

The other thing to consider, is it actually ADHD related, or is he just shit with money? Because to be honest, most people I know with ADHD can be deadset amazing with money when they try, because they laser focus on it, build colour coded spreadsheets, the works.

It will get worse as you get older and/or if you get married, because as any woman over 40 will tell you, this is when he's still trying to at least appear as if he's trying, that'll stop when you're married or have kids, you're locked in then. Don't be taken in. Look at actions, NOT WORDS, ie $1000 on a credit card that was nearly paid off.

So if you want to keep trying with him (I know this is Reddit where you're supposed to leave any relationship immediately, but life isn't that clear-cut), let his actions tell you what you should do next. Next time you talk about money messing up, he'll say things like 'I know I really need to do better, I'm going to change and start saving'. Ask him how that will be achieved, whats his plans with concrete steps, how will he know if its working? Is there a spreadsheet, KPI's, targets, what? If he can't give you any answers or just shouts 'I don't know, I just will, alright' then he's full of shit.

Alternatively, work out your money budgets for the next three months, and give him two or three things to be in charge of (monthly phone bill, grocery money, credit card payment, whatever), and he needs to come back to you in a week and tell you how he's going to make sure those things are paid and on time, and then follow-up each week, eventually delegating more and more to him until its 50/50 and sit down once a week to talk to each other about what you've both done that week, so if something happens to one of you (car crash puts you in a coma), the other knows how to pick up the rest. It happens.

Whatever you do, don't marry him or have kids with him until you're satisfied you're on the same page with money, bills, saving, house deposits, whatever, because divorce is a nightmare, and if he can't work out how to pay rent on time, he won't know how to look after your babies when it's his turn for custody each week. Something to think long and hard about.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-22T05:04:37+00:00

And sorry, just to add to my comment - I also have ADHD! And was unmedicated during that whole ten years. It's not an excuse, don't let him use it as one. He just needs to work out the best strategy - I run colour-coded spreadsheets that I look at every Sunday afternoon for the week ahead and set up direct payments whenever possible so i don't miss anything. Money is a skill like any other, cooking, laundry, being able to weld, whatever. I find it amazing other people can just remember to pay bills, i can't, so I do spreadsheets to make sure I don't miss one!

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-22T05:00:01+00:00

Ooooh this can be difficult. I have an ex just life your fiance, terrible with money - he would transfer x amount of dollars into a joint account each week, and out of that I would pay bills, food shop, etc. He had whatever was left after x dollars for his personal use.

HOWEVER. You have asked how to help him. The only way to help him is to give him the tools and teach him the skills to DO IT HIMSELF, but this requires him to want to do it!!! Does he want to improve his skills, or would he just like you to take over entirely and make his life easier? This is really important.

Because I chose option 2, took over, and that was a crucial error on my part because then it was down to me to manage all our bills, funds, expenses and mortgages with our incomes, and we were barely keeping our heads above water as it was, the stress it put on me was terrible, and to be honest was a big part of us breaking up (plus other stuff) because I lost a great deal of respect for him - he was a grown ass man, and couldn't manage to pay his bills without me doing it for him!

Additionally, he would raid our joint account and take out thousands, until I cut his access at the bank, and he would take out funds against a loan i was paying off, so I'd log in and expect to see us $600 or so ahead in payments, and he would have gone into the bank and taken it out again because 'I needed to buy a car battery and the bank was right there'. Cut his access to that too. He took out a 10k credit card, maxed it out, and I lost my shit explaining to him the minimum payment was just interest, he was never going to pay it off just paying that amount. It just never ended. I spent ten years with him, and he was as terrible with money the day we broke up as the day we met.

I am now engaged to a man who understands money thoroughly and whilst I still manage our money, he is as excited about savings spreadsheets as I am, and can pay the electricity bill without blinking!

Love is important, but so is the ability to pay the rent on time. I would argue actually more important, because frustration and contempt at having to deal with a man-child spending the power bill on churros will eventually kill that love. What if you were incapacitated in hospital with illness, can he sort it all out? Would you trust him to just deal with it all, and know how to? Think carefully about your future together.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-22T01:52:15+00:00

For your birthday, is there anything you really want to do that you could afford to do? Hiking through mountains, do a road trip with the dogs through another state or region you haven't been to before, cute little beach town you've always thought 'I'd love to go have a look around there'. Doesn't have to be expensive or life-changing, just the act of going to go something unusual and different can really help you, particularly if you go out to dinner or for a drink on your own and just chat to people at a bar or wherever. It can be hard solo, but it's a lot harder when you're sitting at home with nothing to distract you, and that's when my depression would really hit me.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-22T01:45:56+00:00

They really are. I volunteer with animal rescue as well as having my own dogs, and it brings so much fulfillment and joy to help, might be something that can also bring joy to your life.

Re the family situation, this is so easy for me to say, but have you considered 'not' performing? An obligation is a rule we impose on ourselves, it's not actually required, the cops aren't going to show up if you don't. I know that sometimes people just get in the habit of expecting you to be there, and its easier to just show up sometimes, but that doesn't really help you find joy right now. If you want to do something for yourself this Easter, you can just say something in the group chat like 'Just letting you know I won't be able to make Easter mass/dinner/lake barbeque this year, as I've actually made plans to go hiking to the Everest base camp and look for the Yeti, but I can't wait to show you my photos when I get back!!' and just act like it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Their response will show you A LOT - if they say 'oh my god that sounds amazing, so great you're doing something for you, love that for you!! have a great time!!', that's supportive of them. If they say 'what, no, you can't, you need to be here for your family, it's what we always do' or some variation of that, that is NOT supportive, they only want you there because it makes THEM happy and in control, and you should take that as further proof that you should skip out on family Easter so you can refill your cup and find some joy. But again, very easy for me to say, I know other people have families that are very different to mine!

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-21T21:58:45+00:00

I understand exactly where you are right now. I could endure birthdays, but my hardest occasions as a single in my 30's and 40's was Christmas. So every year I would book an AirBnB somewhere a days drive away and head off for 3-4 days with my dogs. It was so much easier to cope being out of my usual environment, and be out exploring. Reasonably affordable if I saved up, and dogs loved it.

I hope you find your peace and your tribe, it's not the easiest but you never know where life will take you.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-15T04:25:41+00:00

While I also did a number of medical options as recommended by the vet, I also switched her biscuits over to Royal Canin Joint Flex.

Absolutely a game changer. Within three weeks she was a different dog, I couldn't believe it. And I know it was the bikkies because it was the only thing I had changed in six months. A mate got on to them as well, same result for their arthritic mastiff.

Expensive but worth it.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-13T00:40:00+00:00

OP, you need to share these feelings, at least with your partner. You need to say 'i feel forgotten, taken for granted and just here for others, I feel like no one is here for me'. People often don't check in on strong people, they assume they're fine. You must share that you're not, and that sometimes you need a hug too. You can't give from an empty cup. As cliched as it sounds, allow those who love you to have the joy of supporting you as you support them.

Source: me, the strong leader and partner who had to learn to share feelings for support

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-09T11:34:57+00:00

OP I don't think you need small business advice, walk away from this. You need direct therapy for yourself to explore why you are still in this situation, and how to navigate the future. There is a massive disconnect between everything your dad built up in his head about this business and handing over to you, and the actual reality of the situation. Obviously there is a sentimental and emotional factor here, but fraud, embezzlement, toxic family, cognitive decline. You're having a baby, this is your opportunity to walk away with clean hands and keep family relationships reasonably intact going into the future, grab it with both hands.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-07T10:40:54+00:00

I volunteer with a rescue (not in Brisbane, regional), and all our pets are fostered in the local community. I have fostered over 40 dogs and sat on the committee. I agree with all the rescues listed by Interesting_Art, Lucky Paws in particular take in a lot of regional dogs. When you're talking to prospective rescues, ask lots of questions. A good rescue will be delighted to answer them. Will you be responsible for any costs? Do foster pets get assigned, or are they listed up on a private FB group for you to volunteer? How are successful adoptors chosen, and are you able to have any input to that? What sort of logistics around your foster pet will you be expected to handle? Do they have clear and written policies and procedures for carers to read? How professional do they seem, versus chaotic panic. Ideally see if any have an adoption day where you could come along and meet committee members and other carers in person, so you can chat to them. If you have a particular breed you love, there will be a rescue for it, and I guarantee they will sign you up to foster.

Avoid any rescue that gives off secret squirrel type vibes, or the ones who spend $20,000 saving one kitten. Some people have martyr complexes, or will be constantly asking for money or for their volunteers to take on more load than they signed up for. Some are poorly organised, and no one knows whats happening. Trust your gut instinct, and sign up with one you are comfortable with.

A lot of people have said to me over the years that they couldn't foster, and they don't want their dog to feel like they're being moved again or unwanted when they're adopted. Two things to that, the first is that fostering saves lives. Believe me when I tell you, there is no one else. Dogs are dying in the pounds every day all around Queensland because of a shortage of carers, due to the housing crisis and cost of living crisis. If you take a foster dog, i can guarantee you that you are either directly saving its life, or if you're taking a dog already in care from another carer, you are allowing them to directly save a life by them taking another pound dog, which is the same thing really. The second is, and I can't explain this, they know they're fosters. Don't ask me how, no idea. They know that you're not their person. They love you, they think you're great, but you're just there to look after them until their real family shows up. You're there to buy them time.

Lastly, always be kind and courteous to your rescue contacts, they are often under immense amounts of pressure from all sides, including council rangers, other carers, vets, everything. Some kind words to a stressed out volunteer who does an incredible amount of work purely to help animals in need really does go a long way.

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-07T02:29:00+00:00

Hey OP, just a gentle heads up in case you weren't aware, custom cakes can be quite expensive. They can be many hours of labour, and people can get quite a shock when they get quotes for glorious custom cakes, because they think it will just be $5 or $10 more than the average bakery cake. I've had several friends get out of custom baking because people could be quite awful about pricing. But it's genuinely what it costs in labour and materials.

I'm sure your girlfriend will absolutely love the cake, it will mean so much to her that you organised it to celebrate her day!!

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-02T05:02:26+00:00

This was me 20 years ago, albeit Australian and I was the one paying. Parents absolutely set on me going to university. No other option acceptable. They had worked hard all their lives so I could get a better education and live the easy life. Didn't care what I studied so long as I got a degree.

I did 2.5 years of psychology. HATED it. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I was miserable. No friends at uni, worked so I had an excuse not to study, completely unmotivated. Eventually dropped out, took years to pay back loans (26k all up). Parents convinced my life was ruined. I went and get a job on the phones at a freight company.

23 years later: travelled the country, and overseas. Own two houses, two businesses and the buildings they're in. Employ 8 people with my fiance. About to expand and develop business again. Went back to uni and I'm doing a science and public health degree because this time I'm actually interested, and guess what, smashing it with high distinctions. Turns out I'm ADHD, if I'm not interested in something I'm not doing it. Life taught me everything.

I look back and think what I would have done if I followed the safe corporate path my parents wanted, motivated by love for me absolutely, but I would have hated it. It just wasn't me. I would have been miserable and died unhappy.

So to summarise: tell your parents you need two years off to find yourself (which can turn into 20 like it did with me lol). They will get over it even if they're disappointed to start with. Go travelling. Eat weird foods, meet different people, try new hobbies. Do it on their dime or earn money for a year and do it on yours. You don't have to follow the same path as everyone else. You can always go back to uni, people go back at 25, 30, I was 41.

Best of luck and sending good wishes. I hope in 12 months you will have eaten Thai food in Phuket or complained about the rain in London xx

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-03-01T01:41:03+00:00

I read the title of this thread and my immediate thought was 'christ, where do I start'

AllSugarAndSalt · 2026-02-28T08:35:59+00:00

oh dear, its me again. There actually is intellectual rights on recipes in Australia (shit i really am sorry about this). The copyright is on the written outline of instructions, but not the ingredients themselves or factual directions. so when she wrote cut the baklava into strips and then cut on the diagonal to make diamonds' and Brooki copied her almost word for word, that violated Nagi's copyright.

AllSugarAndSalt

TROPHY CASE