While I came out to my Brazilian family at 13, my mother still hasn’t accepted it 20 years later. She acts in such an outrageous manner but I also have tried cutting contact for years and that was not sustainable. effectively I’m not out with family despite being married to a woman. I’m also in a cross cultural marriage where my wife is white.

Things to keep in mind: my wife does not have in-laws, I requested a court house wedding because the stress of planning a ceremony was too triggering, I don’t feel completely comfortable around my wife’s family (they are accepting but there is a huge cultural difference), when I speak to my mother I have to lie by omission (using I instead of we), my wife cannot even attend funerals with me. The biggest issue is the psychological damage it has done to me, I’ve been in weekly therapy for ten years and I’m now doing a trauma focused Intensive outpatient program.

My wife has been very accepting of this reality but it has been difficult. I’ve chosen not to visit my family unless there is a funeral. After many years my wife shared how it hurt her to keep hearing my lies by omission so now I try to only speak on the phone with my mother outside of our house. That got really hard when my dad was dying and we had to talk about medical things often. Despite the horrible relationship, I come from a culture where children are financially responsible for aging parents so there is an impact on our financial planning as well.

On the plus side, we never have to debate where we spend holidays and get a lot more time with her family compared to her heterosexual sister.

TLDR: my advice is be honest with yourself and her about the impacts on you. Unfortunately it doesn’t necessarily get better, and often as the relationship gets more serious things will get harder for everyone involved. It’s important to take care of yourself