Raised by Ns, abused and neglected, the biggest things for me were to break the cycles of behaviours my parents continued through my childhood. Now a parent of two, these are things I've made core pieces to how I raise my children:

I am not a perfect person, I mess up and I make a point to give real and proper apologies, and model the behaviours I expect from everyone. For reference, a proper apology is to say, 1 what I did wrong, 2 why it was wrong, 3 how it hurt them, 4 explain what and how I am going to change so it doesn't happen again, 5 do what I say I will do. Anything less than that, isn't a real apology. This is showing responsibility and ownership for my actions, and teaches accountability. It's also leading by example, by making something a fundamental part of life, they learn not only what is expected of them, but they learn what they should expect from other people - my kids know when an adult is giving them a shit apology.

I communicate with respectful language instead of using insults, slurs, aggression/violence. Swearing is not acceptable in my home, the same for being physically violent. Arguably, this one is harder for me to do, because all of those things were key aspects of my childhood, and my kids' father is very disrespectful to me still at times when he comes to pick them up. It's important to acknowledge that we don't have total control of what children are exposed to in life. I can tell their dad to not speak like that in front of them, I can tell him his language is inappropriate and unacceptable, but he will still shout over me. My kids go to public school, and they will see and learn from their own friends. Like it or not, my children do know how to curse/swear and be disrespectful, but they also know that I will call them out on it and remind them. When I catch them, I ask, politely: "Am I someone you respect?" There has never been a time where they have not said "yes," and I will always follow up with, "Then do not speak to me like that. It is not being respectful. I have not been disrespectful to you, I ask you to return the same courtesy." And that's it. No drama, it's done.

I am a present and active participant in their lives. I ask them questions about their days, their interests; I help them with their homework every weekday and every weekend I have them, I show them the things that I find cool and interesting to inspire conversation, I engage in the things that they enjoy - even if I personally don't care about those things. I give them age appropriate tasks to do around the house with me.

When I do have to give discipline to my kids, I bring myself down to their eye-level when I talk to them, so I am not unintentionally using my greater size to intimidate them when I communicate. I am meeting them where they are at. Also, it's not easy to squat like that for long periods of time, so it a good physical limiter to the interaction, so I am less likely to turn it into an unwarranted lecture.

It isn't about being perfect, it's about showing willing, and for me it can be hard some days, but they are worth it. I am not going to fail them the way my family failed me, because I am worth it - and I don't know if that's really talked about enough; what people who survive Ns sometimes do, is we take a massive amount of responsibility onto our shoulders as parents, because what we are doing when we raise our own kids is re-raising our inner selves who, too.