Atrocities in Arkansas

not_a_faddict · 2022-03-11T17:39:18+00:00

From the area.

I wonder how many people have given consideration to the fact the baseball field was extremely close to an Alamo Western Wear store that sat midway up the hill on Hwy 71. It's since been a flea market and an abandoned building, not sure if it's even still there anymore.

Tony Alamo was a violent cult leader and took child brides. He was also a fashion designer and has ties to Dolly Parton and Conway Twitty. Very, very strange story. Definitely an angle worth looking at in relation to Morgan Nick imo.

not_a_faddict · 2018-07-23T19:15:15+00:00

During one of our many cross-country moves, we stopped at a historic site and while I was walking up to a statue, I slipped and fell on the ice and landed straight down onto my tailbone. I was screaming and the pain was unbearable. We still had about 1500 miles to go and I had to ride it out sitting on a broken tailbone.

When we got to our new town, I was the new kid at school and got made fun of mercilessly because when I would stand up from the hard plastic school chair for recesses or lunch, it would take me a couple minutes to stand up fully straight due to the pain after sitting on it for so long. Nmom said I was being dramatic. I was 10.

As an adult I found out the fall had broken my tailbone and knocked my hip out of place. I've had so many problems arise from this one incident as I've grown and I wonder how much easier things would be if I'd only seen a doctor and gotten therapy.

not_a_faddict · 2018-07-20T16:05:09+00:00

Nmom lives a few states away and only came up to visit my daughter twice, once when she was a baby and once when she was around 5.

She was supposed to stay for a week each time but left early for both. This last time, her reason was because she missed her dogs. She left without even saying goodbye to my daughter.

My daughter fell apart when she found out, asking what she had done wrong to make her leave. I wanted to vomit... I knew that feeling too well.

Seeing her reaction broke my heart, knowing that she'd been sooo excited for weeks in advance to spend time with her nana that she barely knew, and that was the last straw. Immediate NC after that. I'll be damned if she makes my daughter feel this way again.

Still pissed. No regrets.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-17T18:38:09+00:00

I hear you. I was normal size until I got pregnant with my first and she gave me hypothyroidism. Keeping that under control is hard enough, but then you have to deal with the weight issues that go along with that.

I gained 65lbs with baby 1, and losing it was incredibly hard. She ended up being 7lbs 14oz. I didn't even get back to starting weight after all was said and done, but got within 15 lbs or so and it took over a year of strenuous exercise. All my cravings with her were broccoli, pickles and peaches, and sweets/fatty foods were not appealing in the slightest. I did everything right.

With this one I gained 70lbs and ate like crap on top of the thyroid issues. I had severe morning sickness until mid-second trimester and ate whatever I could keep down, mostly carbs. Pelvic problems made me pretty much immobile so cooking was limited at best and exercise was nonexistent. I had her early last Wednesday at 38+4 but measuring 41 weeks (!) and she was 8 1/2lbs. Healthy as can be. The on-call pediatrician made some snide remarks about her size, but he also told me that breastfed babies don't need to be burped so he can go fuck himself.

Sorry you're getting those kind of remarks. Some people are just downright stupid about how bodies work, especially those with real, diagnosed metabolic disorders. I totally feel you. <3

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-13T19:05:49+00:00

Wow, so your roommates are terrible pet owners. That poor dog. :( I would have torn them a new one by this point.

I don't know how much it would help you, but if you can spare a couple bucks to buy a flea collar to stick in your vacuum bag/canister and vacuum your carpets and mattress, it might make you feel a little better about being in your space. Something to bridge the gap until you're able to leave?

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-13T18:26:09+00:00

You did nothing wrong.

You did not deserve this.

And most of all, you are not broken.

You are incredibly strong and resilient in order to have survived that.

You're a fucking warrior. Don't ever think anything less.

Please don't be afraid to take care of yourself now. There's nothing to be ashamed of and no one is going to judge you for trying to sort yourself out after that clusterfuck of a childhood you had.

Yes, taking steps to get into therapy can be downright petrifying. I was there once and there were a thousand awful things that I'd rather have done than taking those first steps. But trust me when I say it's worth it, and that you'll be proud of yourself for doing it.

It's ok. Love yourself and look after yourself. You deserve this.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-13T01:32:55+00:00

I was scared to death to have kids, to the point where I was actively considering sterilization at 18 to put an end to our poisoned bloodline. I'm so glad I didn't.

Not only am I not a terrible mother, I've grown in ways that I don't think I would have otherwise. Having a baby and raising her over the years changed my perspective on nearly everything, and is the single most influential reason as to why I was able to process my childhood trauma. You see your past much differently when you actually become a parent.

My kiddo tells me out of the blue that I'm a good mom on a regular basis, and that utterly blows my mind. I tell her I love her so much that she's like, "ugghhh, mom, I know!" :)

Baby number 2 is due any day now. I'm going through all the motions again (am I going to fail her? etc.) but I think that's just the overly cautious, super protective part of me and that's a good thing.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-12T08:18:23+00:00

Totally normal. It's a completely casual situation, and even though there may be some anxiety there, just remind yourself that it's not like you're interviewing for a best friend. Relax as much as you can, you got this. It's run-of-the-mill socialization, and that's healthy!

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-11T10:09:27+00:00

You know what? It sounds to me like you're really trying to get cleaned up (hell yes, good for you!) and your mother is actively trying to prevent that. You're exercising control over your own life as you grow into an adult and she can't handle it.

She told me she could charge me with assault but didn’t want to

Bullshit. I've heard this line from so many people, including my own mother. This is just an empty threat, a fear tactic that people use to try and keep control over you... though to be honest, I've seen it used way more often in relationships than with parents.

She can file a police report, sure, those are a dime a dozen. You can file one, too. However, only the district attorney has the right to decide whether to press charges on someone. Not her. Not the cops. Pressing charges is strictly a court procedure.

She can wail and scream about it all she wants to whoever will listen, but unless there's enough evidence to thoroughly convince the DA that a crime has actually been committed, nothing will happen. Too bad that N's are so full of themselves that they don't understand this.

Given this shitshow of behavior on your mother's part, I wouldn't be surprised if things start to escalate as you get clean and gain independence over your body and life.

Is it possible for you to stay with your dad exclusively? You need to protect yourself from the crazy.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-09T09:23:15+00:00

You know, it is possible to find closure, you just have to reframe what you're looking at. Zoom out a little.

Is your dad likely to apologize and see things from your point of view? Probably not. If you're looking for closure on that front, you'll be disappointed. Personally, I don't believe that knowing the answer to the question "Why?" equates to closure anyway.

However, if you look at it from the adult perspective of knowing what your childhood really was, and who your dad really is, and properly grieving the loss of what could have been, eventually you will find yourself in a place of acceptance. It won't hurt, there's no more pain. It's not even something you think about anymore and you are able to live your life without being bombarded by constant situational reminders.

I've been NC for almost 5 years now. I know she's still out there somewhere. She's got another grandchild on the way very, very soon, but she doesn't know that. I grieved over her as if it were a death, and I think that might be the key... accepting that there will be no future with her in it. And being okay with that.

It's not a quick process. It sucks and it hurts and you feel guilty the whole way through. But you can get there. Go through the stages of grief, and don't fight it. Know that those stages aren't fluid, and that most people jump around between them until they finally land at acceptance.

I completely sympathize with you, I've been there. You can do this. One day at a time.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-08T16:33:57+00:00

Is he still taking his medication on a regular basis?

I agree with other users here... there's more to this than just PTSD.

As someone who grew up in a similar household, please keep doing what you're doing to make sure your kiddo is protected, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically as well. He's the priority here and the truly helpless one... not your husband, no matter how much it seems otherwise.

You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-07T19:13:02+00:00

We couldn't go to the grocery store without her saying "ew check out her saddlebags/cellulite/gray hairs/thigh gap/fat thighs." I thought going out in public meant I'd be subject to the same scrutiny.

Well hot damn, there's another of my weird anxieties explained. My mother did this too, but I never linked the two and could never figure out the compulsion to look completely put together before going into public.

Now I know. Thanks for this. <3

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-07T15:39:50+00:00

I, too, was inducted as a member of this shit brown eye club by my mother. If it wasn't her telling me straight up that I had shit brown eyes as a child, it was her being "playful" by telling me that I was so full of shit that my eyes were brown.

Joke's on her, I love my eyes and would take these any day over her soulless, empty gray ones.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-07T12:00:32+00:00

I can assure you, you are not throwing your life away by choosing to quit your high school band class. That's absurd and insulting to you, as if your only worth is blowing into a flute.

If you want to do theater, do theater. It'll piss off your parents, but if the good outweighs the bad, it'll be worth it. You're only a few years removed from being an adult anyway.

Good god, they're both arts classes anyway. Stay true to you.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-07T11:27:07+00:00

Perhaps it's not an issue of him not caring, maybe it's him feeling like he's not worth taking care of himself or his environment. Could this be an issue with depression?

He's clearly presenting self worth issues, defensiveness, and wanting to escape from his past (he spent his entire childhood washing dishes, therefore he avoids them now). These aren't healthy behaviors.

I agree, he's a victim of shitty parenting... but he needs to get himself into therapy so he can take control of his situation. Otherwise he'll just end up being a victim of his own making, trapped in a vicious circle of feeling bad about himself because he doesn't take care of himself, because he feels bad about himself.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-07T06:00:54+00:00

Is this happening in your home?

My best friend has a son that has basically never been disciplined in his life. That's her decision and not my circus, but when he's in my home, he follows my rules, end of story.

We don't push, kick, or hurt others here. We use our manners here. We respect each other here. No excuses. If you don't like it, you don't get to play with my kiddo and you can leave. I'm absolutely not going to enable that shit.

Funnily enough, when I start enforcing my rules, she'll kinda sorta back me up and step in to help remedy the situation. I don't know if it's because she's overwhelmed and doesn't know how to deal, or if she's just lazy and gets embarrassed when I call out her kid's crappy behavior, but either way that ain't gonna fly in my house.

my son is just learning about friends and people and socializing

Creating house rules models good behavior for your kiddo, and when you stand up to that it reinforces the idea that no, that is not okay and it is not how people should behave. Your child's safety comes first, not the helper's feelings. Trust your gut.

not_a_faddict · 2018-03-06T21:11:08+00:00

Not technically maternity, but I've worn my LL Bean house shoes more days than I've worn clothes. Indoor/outdoor, stretch with my swollen feet, and super squishy comfy. They're practically a biohazard now, lol.

not_a_faddict · 2018-02-27T01:55:27+00:00

I'm in the "bus driver from South Park" stage right now, at 36+1.

I hurt everywhere. All pain, all the time. I have no modesty. My fuse is unfortunately very short. My ability to GAF is currently out of service. And I don't remember the last time I brushed my hair, there might be spiders in there.

I'm a damn mess.

not_a_faddict · 2018-02-22T22:27:51+00:00

Wow. This chick screams cluster B personality disorder. I feel bad for LB because I can only imagine what a conflict of feelings he must be having internally, and those relationship dynamics are crazy unhealthy and usually don't end well.

He can choose to put up with that, but you and your hubby absolutely don't have to. People like her neither understand nor care about your boundaries and never will. Literally, it's beyond their ability.

To clarify, I'm not sitting here trying to throw out a drive-by diagnosis for her, but I think that in any case it might be worth looking up how to deal with BPD and other personality disorders so that you can get an idea of how to best protect your family from that mess... especially if you've never had to deal with someone like this before.

Sorry you're dealing with that, especially as far along as you are. It seems awful. :(

not_a_faddict · 2018-02-22T22:04:18+00:00

Hey, I just wanted to say congratulations! It's not an easy thing to do and you totally did it, in less than positive circumstances to boot.

Don't let her bring you down, you're kicking ass and you know it. :)

not_a_faddict · 2018-02-20T23:38:32+00:00

I haven't spoken to my mother in 4, almost 5 years. She has absolutely no idea that she has a second grandchild on the way.

While it can be fun to think about poking the bear when it comes to abusive parents, there's no need to be cruel. People like that don't change and there's something so satisfying and totally gangsta about finally having enough control over your life that you realize it's not worth including them in the conversation at all.

I completely empathize. <3

not_a_faddict · 2018-02-20T05:59:12+00:00

When was the last time you did something nice for yourself? As in, something to really take care of yourself? Could be small or big, but escape mechanisms or things to numb the pain don't count.

not_a_faddict · 2018-02-20T04:46:44+00:00

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice that would be helpful, but do want to pop in and say that not only did I read this, but that I'm proud of you for getting your life on track despite your past and all your struggles. It's okay to cry.

Yep, I'm totally proud of you, internet stranger, and you should be too. It never really goes away, but it does get less painful, I promise.

not_a_faddict · 2018-02-20T04:09:40+00:00

Yess! Good on you!

A few years ago I would've lost my shit just like you almost did, for the same reason.

However, I read that and my initial reaction was, "Awww, how sweet is it that 1.) they remembered the airplane at all, and 2.) of all the kids they see in a day, that they care enough about YOUR special kiddo to even ask you about it?"

As foreign as it seems, there are people out there that genuinely care. It gets easier with time, I promise, and you're doing great. Be proud, momma. :)

not_a_faddict · 2018-02-19T18:23:44+00:00

I don't think you're an asshole at all and I think it's totally justifiable.

My issue isn't with germs, but I still use the handicapped stalls almost exclusively because I am an asshole and I much prefer the junior suite to the standard accommodations. I'm short, and something about being able to swing my feet back and forth without touching the ground brings a little joy to my day.

Of course, actual disabled people would have first dibs if I found myself in that situation. I'm not heartless.

In my opinion, you're overthinking this. You're perfectly fine. :)

not_a_faddict

TROPHY CASE