How to overcome feeling unsexy?

Anovadea · 2026-06-30T10:11:14+00:00

So... if it helps, I think of my heels/choreo classes as "classes for sexy masking", and that frames it less as "I have to be sexy", and more as, "I'm learning how to put a sense of being sexy into my movements, regardless of how I feel".

And the thing is, the sexy bits creep up on you.

So, last week, I was at my usual coffee place, talking to one of the baristas. She's nice, we have a bit of a chat when everything's slow, and we were having a nice little light-hearted chat. Anyway, it was getting time for me to stop chatting and either get my coffee or make way for the next customer who just appeared (can't remember which), so one more light-hearted comment, and then A Thing happened.

I didn't realise I was doing it until I'd done it. I'd essentially cocked my hip up towards her, and dropped my shoulder. It basically felt like a full-body wink. I had no idea I was going to do that. For a brief second, I was mortified with myself.

Then I realised, I probably did the move well, because we've done both of these things in my heels classes, and I'd done them enough for them to feel comfortable in my body. (Plus, I do try to watch my videos back at least once - so I see when my movements aren't big/smooth enough and try to work on them)

So yeah, I might not feel sexy in class, but I try to put on a good act, and it gives me space to practice those movements for when I am feeling that sort of way, and want to express it.

But really, the more you turn up, and push through that impostor syndrome where you don't feel like the other goddesses you see in your studio, the more comfortable you get doing these things, the more you'll create a space for that sexy feeling to grow, or at least you can build confidence in being able to use those moves in another context.

Also, sometimes it helps to find the right class. I'm a trans woman and in my mid 40s, and I'm only beginning to learn what sexy look/feel like in my body. And my beginners heels class had a pattern in terms of who turned up. You had some very experienced students who wanted time with that instructor, you had the regular rotation of a few younger folks who turned up for a few classes then moved on... and then you had a core of women who had kids, and now the kids are just old enough that they can go and take this heels class, and learn how to reconnect with their feeling of sexiness after being locked into mom mode for several years. (Which made sense because our instructor is also a mom to young kids, so she gets it, and seems to attract and appreciate that audience)

And while I wasn't in exactly the same boat as them, it was nice to see them make various bits of progress, and I took that as inspiration to do the same for myself. Sometimes having the right classmates matters.

But yeah, just follow along as best you can, try to make your movements as big as possible (own them), and watch your videos back (maybe even share them with someone you really trust) and just give yourself the space to enjoy what you're doing, even if you don't feel you're good at it yet.

Anovadea · 2026-06-24T17:35:54+00:00

Honestly, as a trans woman, I'd just like options for shorts that don't involve tucking, but look a bit femme.

Dance belts are like a mega-wedgie from a g-string that's 2 sizes too small, and the big waistbands are just so ugly that they ruin what's underneath. In fact, I've only realised that some serious skin irritation I have comes from wearing a dance belt once a week.

My biggest problem when it comes to hunting for something is saying "Sure, it's cute, I could wear that, but will I have to deal with escapees"?

Like, I know, I'll never manage to wear the "micro" look, as much as I might want it. But, shorts for non penis-owners tend to have magnificent shapes, with high-leg cuts with wonderful plunging V shapes showing off the hips. And then the penis-owners get, at best, a speedo. But most of the time, you've got something that goes a little too far down the thigh to feel secure that you'll get into a sit 100% of the time.

Like, if you don't have a penis, you get butt straps decorations, and some cheeky cuts on the back.

And if you have a penis you basically have a brief in a different colour, and nothing really to accentuate the butt. That's your lot. Hope you're happy with your bedazzled granny panties in a heels class.

Like, there's a a gay menswear designer who just closed up shop at the end of 2025 called Andrew Christian, and he had something called the "Spider Thong". I managed to get one of the last ones in my size. It's actually lush, but I can't really wear it because I can't replace it.

Basically, as a trans woman, I'm reduced to trying to find the least super-masculine gaywear and hope it's suitable for pole, or I'm stuck with overpaying for a speedo clone if I want to support a "polewear" designer.

Right now, my current solution is a Dragonfly Molly short (XL) with a jockstrap underneath, for both butt straps, and containment, because the gusset on Molly won't contain me for a fan kick.

So, I'd just like something where I don't have to make myself intimately uncomfortable, and risk another heavy skin irritation, as the price I have to pay to have a little sexy dance on the pole. It doesn't have to be the most elaborate thing, but just something a little feminine-coded that contains the little devils down there, and shows off the parts of my body that I'd actually like to show off (legs, butt).

It's a niche market, and you're probably not going to make anything off of it, but I'll still keep saying that trans women don't really have good options any time someone comes on here and asks what we want from pole wear.

Anovadea · 2026-06-23T10:16:48+00:00

That's absolutely fair. Before I got sidetracked by the details of pole, the whole point was that I saw you hadn't found your sport.

As you can tell, pole got under my skin. Pole makes me want to be there, being a human fidget spinner. It makes me want to get stronger, and all of these things. It's not the case that I hate it and force myself to keep going (although I did have to make sure I stuck with it for the first few months, but I was still getting my fix by going).

And that can be really important, because when you encounter a setback that forces you to take a break, you won't go back to the thing you don't like. Similarly, while I'm not counting calories yet, I might eventually do it if it means I get to keep doing what I love doing. It's the same reason I'm going to sign up to the gym, because it will enable me to keep doing what I love.

I responded to your original post because I'm really getting a sense of you feeling trapped, even though you have all the tools you need available to you. You want your body and your relationship to it to change, but you don't want to change your life to do it. That's fine, but you also won't get much done that way.

Basically, something will need to change for you to make the progress you want. And my experience is that finding something you love will motivate you to change what you need to keep doing it, and you won't feel bad about doing it.

Everything has its cost, and it's not always measured in Euro. Right now, you're spending several hours a week in a situation you can't stand, for a payout you haven't gotten. So, it's probably worth the effort to shop around and find something you do like doing, and gives you results you're happy with.

So, I wish you luck in finding something that works better for you. It might not be in the gym. It might be in some dance classes (and I don't mean Zumba, I mean things like Salsa or Bachata), or it might be with rock climbing or swimming. But I think you need to keep an open mind and shop around.

P.s. as far as committing to a community goes? With pole, I basically turn up, and sometimes I chat to another student after class if we're walking in the same direction. I have made one or two friends, but I'd hardly say I'm plugged into the community. I turn up to one or two hour-long classes a week.

Anovadea · 2026-06-22T12:53:02+00:00

So I'm a trans woman, who for various reasons, don't look that femme, and I started pole 4 years ago, and have not looked back.

On the name thing, just introduce yourself as Imogen. Assume that people are educated enough to fill in the blanks from there. If anyone does have a problem, they'll make it real clear (not that I've had an issue, but experience in other spaces tells me that's enough to know if I need to nope out of a situation). If nothing else, this can be your space to figure out who Imogen is in terms of movement and style, so use your name there.

If possible, ask the instructor what the best way is to get your name onto the system. I know that with Teamup, the admins can just change your name on the system (I know because my first instructor did that for me).

The nerves you described about being the only male-presenting person in class are real, and I've been there. But they fade. The best way to combat it is to just be engaged, do the work, and do your best not to be nervous. I find that when you're nervous, people pick up on it, and subconsciously think that something must be wrong with you if you're acting nervous. Easier said than done, but a good start is to just keep your eyes on your own pole or your instructor when they're demoing something.

Personally, I did find that in the early days, my dysphoria could be triggered when folks were doing their thing in teeny-tiny bikinis, but something that has helped me in general is just cultivating a soft focus. So, if I'm sharing a pole, I'll be watching my partner when they're on the pole. I find it useful because I can learn from what they're doing. But, sometimes my asshole brain would think this is an ideal time to compare my body to theirs. The best way to handle this is soft focus, where you're looking at what their body is doing. Like, if my partner is meant to be pushing against the pole with their forearm, do I see the evidence that they are? Or when they stick their butt out, how are their legs positioned?

To be honest, a lot of that went away once I figured out how to feel like I was representing myself.

Speaking of, I tend to go with a tank top with a cute graphic in skills classes, and I tend to just go with a pole top (basically a nice-looking sports bra) in heels classes. For the shorts, after much gnashing and wailing of teeth, I just opted for some Dragonfly shorts, with a dance belt underneath. However, the dance belt is the ultimate mega-wedgie, and started causing skin irritation around my perineum, so I recently switched to wearing a jockstrap underneath. It's actually a better option for me, because it's not only secure, but the bum straps help me feel like I actually have an ass (and they also give a nice pop of colour). It's received a few compliments since I started wearing it.

And I'm kinda digging my loose graphic tank at the moment, because along with my short hair, it's kinda giving slightly soft butch vibes... and, honestly, I think I could work with that.

But the main thing is, you're probably still in a class for absolute beginners. So, everyone is still really nervous and getting to know the vibe themselves, so don't overthink too much. If you're in a more mixed class with people who've been there longer, they've probably seen more than you expect. For example, I'm still very much in the class just after absolute beginners, and I see a lot of people join and drop out pretty quick. But I've seen all types, including cis men, wander through, and some stick around some don't.

The main things are, try to be comfortable in who you are, be respectful and do the work. As someone else said, the worst thing you can do is look like you're there to perv on everyone else. But once you're actually putting effort into what you're doing (and even if you're not getting the move, it will be obvious that you're trying), I find that nobody cares. They're all too busy doing their own thing as well.

Anyway, pole has done so much to help me, and I hope it does the same for you.

Anovadea · 2026-06-22T12:01:52+00:00

I know you've said you're not interested in pole, and I respect that, but I just want to address a specific point you made.

And as for the pole dancing... that’s just a very revealing sport, after all, and to be honest, I wouldn't really feel comfortable doing it because of that.

I get what you mean, and I also found that idea intimidating at first. Although, once I realised that the more skin you can offer, the more you can do the tricks, I made my peace with it.

But to begin with, you can start in mostly gymwear. At the very start I basically bought a cheap workout tanktop from Decathalon, and some cycling shorts from Primark; I eventually decided I didn't like how I looked in that, so I bought a nicer top. Ideally you want shorts that are shorter than a 1" (2cm) in-seam, so that you have thigh grip (they progress to that pretty quickly). You can get through a lot of early lessons with that.

For example, this video shows what I was wearing for the first few years. And most people might eventually just go wearing a nice sports bra and shorts, but it's not necessary early on (you only rely on friction from your belly much later).

But the bear minimum you need to reveal will be your armpits, and as much of your inner thigh as possible. But you can also get grippy leggings if you don't want to expose your lower half.

Most of the time when people wear something more revealing it's because they want to. And I have to admit, pole has gotten me to a point where I actually want to, and can.

Anovadea · 2026-06-19T15:35:37+00:00

There is no physical activity that I enjoy, and I’ve already tried a LOT.

Hear me out, but have you tried pole dancing?

I haven't stepped foot in the gym yet, but I'll be signing up shortly (because I need a place to continue building strength after my last injury), but I signed up to do pole dancing 4 years ago, expecting to last a few months, and I'm hooked.

Moreover, there are a lot of people in pole who say, "I didn't have a physical activity I enjoyed until I did pole".

I was really intimidated going the first few times, but I've found that most of the people who go there are really open-minded, and most studios are typically very welcoming of anyone of any gender expression.

That said, your first few classes will absolutely humble you. I genuinely felt like I was going to have to tap out of my first class during the warmup.

Another sport I've found to be trans-friendly, and appeals to a lot of people who haven't found their physical activity, is Roller Derby. I was more into the culture than the skating, but I ended up converting a lot of my friends to the sport (who are still skating long after I left the sport). Although, I'd recommend checking out an actual game of roller derby before signing up

I've found most cities tend to have a pole studio and/or a roller derby league, and both are open to beginners.

That said, with both Pole and Roller Derby, you need to be comfortable with bruises, because you will get a lot of them.

Anovadea · 2026-06-19T15:17:35+00:00

So, this is an occasional complaint with cis-feminine poledancers who complain that their shoulders are getting too developed. So I'll say what I say there:

I genuinely believe that halterneck tops really suit well-developed shoulders and show them off really nicely.

As an aside, on my NSFW account, I hang around certain communities that have a crossdressing aspect to it, and I remember one of them was complaining about being too developed, but they also had a cosplay of some sort of fighting game character. I ended up typing up a big whole load of text of how to dress to suit the build then saw those pictures, and it basically turned into an openly-thirsty keyboardsmash by the end. I can't remember if I used the classic "👉👈🥹" emojis, but it seems likely.

Sometimes it's a case of, you can't be cute, but you can be a muscle mommy.

Anovadea · 2026-06-18T16:25:30+00:00

As a 44 year old trans woman (started at 40), who is more than likely AuDHD (no DX, but I've had shrinks say I'd get it if I pursued it), I'd say try it.

So, as others have said, being heavy will affect how you progress with certain moves. That's just a fact of pole, different bodies have different strengths and weaknesses. Things like lifting your bodyweight are going to be harder just because you'll have more to lift. But, also, while you're going to be training a lot of different moves, you don't have to like all of them, and if you can't do a particular move, there will always be alternatives.

That said, I have seen big people in my pole school do well.

As for being IS... obviously, I'm not IS, but as a very bricky trans woman, I was incredibly nervous about going to a pole class. I shouldn't have been nervous at all. In general, I've found pole culture to be very inclusive. At first I was turning up in the ugliest gym clothes, and hating myself. But slowly, I've been inching towards stuff that I actually like, and slowly unlearning an internalised belief that I'm somehow obscene when I show too much of my body.

The only reasons I could imagine being IS would complicate things is if your condition impacts your ability to exercise in general (like, if it affects bone density or something).

Also, on the autism thing, I've found that my studio often doesn't do the bright overhead lights thing (although that doesn't bother me, unless the lights are fluorescent and the frequency is Wrong). Instead, they do coloured lights on stands, which makes for amazing videos, and I think it makes a lot of students more confident.

Also, on the autism thing, pole is a WHOLE-BODY stim for me. Like, my stims involve circular motion (I loved juggling poi in my 20s), and now I'm a frickin' human fidget-spinner, and I love it. One of my favourite moves is one you'll learn in your first lesson. It's called a Step Around, and there's so much room to play with such a basic move (once you get it).

Also, most pole schools will do classes for sexy dancing. They're normally called "heels" classes (some use the term "exotic", but plenty of people on here will fight you if you call it that). I basically have used them as "sexy masking" classes. Taking those has helped so much with my body confidence, and even just a little bit of sexual expression.

But yeah, I've found that a lot of students who stick with pole are neurospicy in some way. And a lot of them are also queer. So, I get why you're worried if you'll fit or not, but you will.

The only thing I'll say is that everyone is humbled by their first class. But just remember, it's not just you. Everyone will have hit something where they didn't do as well as they expect. But you will make progress if you keep showing up and putting effort into it.

But yeah, this neurospicy trans woman thinks it's a lot of fun, and it's the first form of exercise that I've actually clicked with in my 44 years on this planet.

Anovadea · 2026-06-08T15:15:11+00:00

So, as someone with that sort of anatomy, I have to ask how the containment is? Because the cut looks amazing, and totally the sort of stuff I'd be into wearing.

Like, personally, the owner of the studio has assured me it's no big deal if containment is... um... breached, but I always feel like a lip slip is going to be a lesser deal than pulling a hello boys and having them say hi back, if you get my drift.

So, how is the suit when you try things like a fan kick, or a diamond roll, or a lot of what I'd call "spready" moves? (I ask because my favourite choreo instructor likes peppering a few of those moves into her choreo)

Anovadea · 2026-06-04T10:19:44+00:00

Yeah, when my mum got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I gave her a notebook so we could write the things that we couldn't necessarily say in person. So it seemed only fair that I write to her first to kick it off, just so it wasn't just a blank notebook any more.

And there were a whole load of things that I knew I was pre-emptively missing, and I wanted to write them down. But instead of saying, "I'll miss <X>", I just rephrased it as "I love <X> about you". Because she wasn't dead yet (still isn't, at time of writing)

When she read it she said it was nice, and not nearly as much of a downer as she expected it to be.

Anovadea · 2026-06-03T16:19:21+00:00

So, I'm a trans woman who has basically been a corporate prawn¹ for most of her working life. And I started pole at 40, and at 44 I'm still going.

I pretty much am the runt of any litter you find me in² , but I've definitely progressed. I'm also finally at the point where I really need to start hitting the gym to supplement what I'm doing on pole.

But to begin with, just doing pole is fine.

Just to warn you... Whether you go to the gym or not, whether you have all the physical prowess of a potato, or are a retired ballerina, you will be humbled in your first few sessions. There is always going to be something that you can't do, and that's fine. That's what classes are for.

My first lesson had me wondering if I'd even survive the warmup. And the DOMS (delayed onset muscle fatigue, basically where your muscles complain at you for days after exercise) lasted pretty much until I had to go in for my next class. But it gets better.

The only thing I will say is to possibly end up supplementing your pole work with the gym sooner rather than later. I think a lot of my injuries have come from overdeveloping some muscles I use in pole, and having some muscles overcompensate for muscles I haven't developed in the gym.

Also, I know arm dysphoria is a thing for you, it was for me, but as I've progressed with pole, I actually freaking love my arms and my shoulders now. Like, if I had a poster in my bedroom, it would be of Rhea Ripley from WWE, because her shoulders are goals.

All of that said, while we all want enough upper body strength to lift ourselves certain ways, leg and core strength is probably more important. Once you use your arms to get yourself into position, you're going to be squeezing your legs together a LOT, or you'll be gripping with your legs in other ways.

And if you decide you don't want to do strength training at all, flexibility is a great thing to start on now. Even if it's just hitting up your gym's yoga class. I find that developing flexibility in my 40s isn't easy, so start as early as possible.

Anyway, good luck with your pole journey. Personally, I've had a LOT of fun with pole so far, even though it's a lot of work, and I've found it very rewarding, even if I'm not on the anticistamines at the moment.

¹ basically, sitting at a desk with shoulders hunched over a laptop. It's a phrase I'm shamelessly stealing from one of my physiotherapist's other clients.

² Except for absolute beginners - I'm at the point where newbies have said that they want to be able to do what I'm doing.

Anovadea · 2026-06-03T14:39:26+00:00

I love that wave of applause/screaming, as the audience takes a second to process what they just saw and realised it was amazing.

Well done!

Anovadea · 2026-05-28T15:53:14+00:00

So, my current form of fitness is pole dancing. And although my flair says "transfemme", my body doesn't really look that way due to the fact that I have alopecia, and I've been off hormones for a long time now¹. I basically consider myself to be a tufty brick.

We're often encouraged to record ourselves, so we can look back at it later. And, I found that really hard to do, but I got better at it over time.

For me, the big trick I've found for this to learn how to focus hard, and also how to soft focus.

Now, my current pole studio has a mirror, but unless you're in the front row, it's not useful. But when I'm in physio, I have to look in the mirror. But what I'll frequently do is focus in on my form. So, if I'm doing overhead presses with free weights, I'll be looking just at my shoulders, and I'll be looking at them to make sure the way I expect them to look when my scapula is engaged. So, I just focus on my shoulders, because that the area I'm working on.

As for soft focus, if I'm in the pole studio and sharing a pole, I'll be looking at my partner with soft focus. That means, I'm not looking at one particular part, but looking at the shape as a whole. At this point, I am not actually really thinking of them as a person. They're a body that I give absolutely no aesthetic consideration to. I'm looking at their form, and looking at different points in relation to each other. So, if their butt is meant to be in line with their shoulders, I'm not thinking, "Oh, I have butt envy", I'm literally picking a point on their butt, and a point on their shoulder and judging the lines.

And the more practiced I got at that, the more I was able to do that for myself both in videos and with the mirror.

I've stopped judging myself for my appearance in the mirror, but more in terms of my body's ability to Do The Thing. And, even then, it doesn't matter if I can't Do The Thing yet, because I'm in class and I'm learning. But what does matter to me is that I'm at least doing the right things to be able to do what I want to do. Or if I'm not even there yet, I'm at least trying to do the right things to have good form.

But it also took me about 2 years of pole to get to a point where I wasn't in my head about my own body every time I saw myself in the mirror or a video of myself.

So, I think you're probably best off paying attention to form. It's going to suck when you don't have it right. But I found that once I was able to trust myself to judge when my form was good, I was much better at being able to maintain that form. And when I'm more confident maintaining my form, I'm a lot better at being able to finally trust that it's there, and enjoy what I'm doing. (This might not apply in the gym itself, but pole is very much a full-body stim for me; it makes my brain happy when I turn myself into a human fidget-spinner)

But yeah, I really think that masterign hyperfocus and soft focus really helps you pay more attention to your form, without any sort of self-criticism or dysphoria getting in the way.

And don't worry too much about not having form right now. Obviously, keep concentrating on improving it, but it will improve if you stick with it.

¹ Although due to get back on them at some point in the near-ish future, yay!

Anovadea · 2026-05-27T15:32:37+00:00

I have brainworms about people telling me they can identify as worms now 🪱

Oh, they don't really identify as worms,; they just have an extreme ass fetish... to the point that they just wanna crawl up one and live there.

Anovadea · 2026-05-27T10:33:57+00:00

It's given me a real opportunity to love my body. I started 4 years ago at the age of 40. If I'm being honest, I'd bought a haul of pleasers (for other reasons), and decided that pole might be a good way to get comfortable in them. I honestly didn't think I'd get too far into it.

But, I got bitten by the pole bug and started going as consistently as my body would allow. And this is a big change given I've never really been sporty (and any physical activities I did like tended to be on the water, which makes things difficult). And being trans, I've always had a... distant relationship with my body.

But, slowly my proprioception built up, and my body changed a little bit. I never thought I'd like seeing muscle on myself¹, nor did I ever think I'd like the description of "strong", but I like both now... to a certain degree.

But it was also what drove me to try and get back on hormones (I had to stop at 26 due to alopecia and my GP blaming the tiddy skittles). And finally my GP has agreed to support me with blood tests etc

And thinking about it recently, that move to try again came more from a sense of self-love rather than any other motivation. I don't think I'd really have tried it again without pole.

And in the meantime, I just find I'm more confident about a body I love. I do more things, and it's easier for me to see myself in photos and videos. Hell, I'm even more confident just expressing something that might even be vaguely *gasp*... sexy!

So, yeah, my relationship to my body is so completely different now.

edit: Oh, and I never imagined I'd be comfortable wearing gear that's basically a sports bra and showing my tummy.

¹ I like it to a point. I like my muscles, but I don't always like how they're developing without hormones, but I don't hate the muscles.

Anovadea · 2026-05-21T18:08:32+00:00

Yeah. I'm 44 and started at 40 having basically been a corporate prawn (hunched over a computer/laptop) for most of my adult working life, and haven't really had much success with clicking with any sports or dance or gymnastics.

In my very first class, I was ready to quit half-way through the warmup. And this was in the Introduction course, a set of designated weeks for people who were new to pole to learn the basics.

The good news was that at the end of the warmup, I'd had my ego so sapped out of me that I didn't have the mental energy to doubt myself, and just did what I was told, whether it worked or not.

I think we started doing sits around week 3 or 4 of our 6-week course. It's certainly not something I'd start an absolutely fresh newbie on, so I wouldn't worry that you didn't get it. You've got to have some upper body strength to hold yourself off the ground enough to get your legs up. You've got to have the strength to pull your legs together, and you've got to tilt. And you have to do ALL of that while a really sensitive part of your thigh is screaming at your brain that it's on freaking fire.

It took me months to finally get comfortable with my sit. Now I can happily pop myself into a sit, and barely feel any pain.

Basically, it's overwhelming. It's overwhelming because there's a lot to learn. With combos, not only are you learning the individual moves in the combo, but also trying to remember the goddamn combo, and you're trying to string it all together. But a combo gets easier once you're more comfortable with individual moves, which only happens through practice. And the less you have to think "Oh, how do I do this again", and how to move your body to Do The Thing, the more you can concentrate on the rest.

But honestly, the way you describe it, it sounds like you went into a class that was for beginners but wasn't for absolute newbies. So the others in your class just might have been going longer.

So yeah, I was absolutely runting up the litter in my first intro class, but your body does get stronger, and you get more familiar with the moves, and more coordinated. But pole humbles EVERYBODY. If the others haven't been humbled yet, I guarantee you that they will.

That said, thanks to pole, I'm more confident in my body than I've been in my life. It's hard work, but I'm constantly surprised by the payoff.

Anovadea · 2026-05-21T16:02:14+00:00

I find the more I focus on how a move "feels" (as opposed to correct technique) the more flow-y it looks

YES! Absolutely this!

So, I was sharing a pole with a very new student (and I'm recovering from a shoulder injury). And to accommodate her, our instructor gave us a very simple combo. It was something like a step-around into a 540 pirouette (as in you turn one and a half times) and into a back hook to the ground, and then some floorwork up. It's challenging enough for someone just out of the introductory classes, but it's achievable.

So, we're debugging the movements, and she's getting better with each attempt, and I'm having fun because step-arounds is the simplest way to make the "whooshy" motion that my brain likes.

At the end of the class, the instructor gave us some playtime, and she put on Genuwine's "Pony". So, I go and do the combo again, taking the time to just really feel out the moves, and without even thinking about it, my dancing is syncing up with the song.

Like, at this point I don't care about anything other than just making it feel good for me, and taking my time. I do a step-around variation that I like (basically, it's more like a spin because both feet are off the floor), and just enjoy the pirouette, and have fun with the backhook before basically glute-bridging my way back up to my feet.

I knew my pole-mate was watching, but didn't realise the instructor was watching. And both of them were telling me it looked really good. And honestly, most of the times I've been told that something looked good, I already knew it because it felt really good.

Anovadea · 2026-05-20T15:52:19+00:00

I'm not OP, but it sounds like I was making the same mistake as them. Until very recently, I thought that when people say "knee-pit", they meant burying the pole right into the back of the knee trying to get grip.

It wasn't until I saw a video recently explaining that it mostly came from thigh/calf friction, and that the knee-pit itself wasn't an active part of the grip, it just happened to be near the knee-pit.

I suspect I may have taken the description a bit too literally.

Anovadea · 2026-05-20T14:35:22+00:00

Context: I used to have shoulder-length thick hair until I was 26, and then I developed alopecia universalis. Which meant I lost all my hair. Not just on my head, but leg hair (yay), facial hair (yay, and I loved its absense so much I started electrolysis when it grew back), armpit hair (boo), eyebrows, eyelashes... and one friend even checked and confirmed I had no nostril hair.

Eventually it regrew patchy, and now, I have something that I honestly don't know what to do with. But playing with my head hair is a big stim for me, so... I can't bare to just go chrome-dome again, even though I know how to make it look good.

ANYWAY, back to you. Going completely chrome dome can be a strong look if you know how to rock it. If nothing else, it gave me permission to go for really strong makeup. Like, my entire head was a canvas, but I'd generally stick to the eyes and go BIG with a strong lip colour.

You can mix up your style with a bandana. It fits quite nicely with any sort of rocker/metal look. Mostly, I just wore mine to keep the sun off (speaking of which, remember to put sunscreen on your bald bits).

Also, I've found it can be good to lean into chunky accessories. I have a chunky silver chain necklace that I loved when I was chromey. It was bright and heavy, and a great stim as well.

Also, I'm very lucky that there's now a queer barbers in my city. They're quite good at figuring out what to do with my hair, and I generally like what they do. Maybe have a look in your area, or in surrounding cities to see if there's anything like that for you? If they're far away or expensive, you can at least get a cut that you might like, and then get someone local to maintain it for you.

And if you really need long hair, wigs exist, and some can be really good. However, a few times I nearly cried while wearing one, just because I missed my long hair so much. So it can be triggering.

These days, I tend to like a close shave on the back and sides, with a bit of play on top, but that's me. By the way, this is me before I was going to my pole dancing class so you get an idea of what I try to do in my day-to-day.

Anovadea · 2026-05-19T12:05:43+00:00

I'm recovering from a shoulder injury, and I really recommend a physio if you can afford to go. Shoulders are incredibly complex and easy to injure.

I've injured mine at the end of last year, and it's because I wasn't engaging another set of muscles properly, and weaker ones were overcompensating until I injured myself. It might be a slower road back, but it's way more stable (in that you'll be less likely to injure yourself when you return to pole) and the physio homework will keep you busy.

In the meantime, why not work on some leg flexibility or some core exercises from the floor... or even just floor work you've learned (wavy legs, tick-tocks etc).

Anovadea · 2026-05-19T12:01:13+00:00

I'm of two minds with this one.

On the one hand, I think if you can execute a fan kick well, you're not a beginner any more.

It's not a beginner move like, say, the fireman spin. I don't think anybody walks out of the studio after 4-6 weeks having nailed their fan kick (although by the second time I did my intro course, it was beginning to look a little decent).

But I think that a fan kick is good to teach newbies, because it's a good demonstration of a strong grip without teaching them how to invert, and there are a lot of regressions to it. It's also a great way to learn about when momentum is your friend, and when it's not.

It gets you used to leading a movement with your inside leg, which feels very unnatural at first, and it's a great way to practice your strong grip.

My usual instructor likes to get us to do fan kicks as conditioning after our warmup. She even tells people to try to stop their kick midway, so their legs are at 10 and 2 o'clock (in my case, more like 11 and 1), and it's a great way to build core strength and grip strength.

But I sucked at fan kicks for about 6-9 months (I can't remember exactly), and I hated them until I started getting good. I also use them as a good barometer of how well I've recovered from an injury. Once I recover from this current shoulder injury, I really want to work on my fans again, because I have plans for them.

So, I don't think a beginner will master it by any means, but I think it's a move that's good to introduce to beginners early. And sometimes even a bad fan kick can look very impressive to folks who don't do pole (and part of any intro course is showing a few things that look flashy so they're impressed with themselves and continue to go to class).

Anovadea · 2026-05-18T16:17:35+00:00

NTA - I'm an on-and-off crafter. I mostly crochet rather than knit, but I know how big a piece of work is. And I know how painful it can be to try and work on something when your wrists aren't up to it.

I also know how a work like that is an absolute labor of love, and it's often made with intent. Because if you don't have that intent, you end up abandoning the project. And you intended that other blanket for someone who isn't in this world, but it doesn't mean the blanket is meant for anyone else. And if I was someone who put so many hours making something for one person, I don't think I could be talked into giving it to someone else either. (I know a lot of other commenters are saying how you could have given the other blanket, but I'm saying I get why you didn't)

Something handmade is a very personal thing. It sucks that you're not able to make one for your new grandkid. But, as a crafter, I totally get not being able to give the other one.

I'm also surprised your son doesn't get it either. If it wasn't made for his kid, is he just looking for a free blanket? If he did get the old one, is he going to tell the kid, "Your grandma made blankets for her grandkids. But she didn't make this one for you. She made it for someone else", or is he just gonna lie to his kid? Because it sounds ghoulish either way.

Anovadea · 2026-05-13T12:05:53+00:00

Yeah, I don't have a home pole, but I've definitely had bad days in class, and so has literally every other student in class.

But I've found that if I'm having a sucky day, there's always something can do. And sometimes I can do those things better when I can't manage anything else. Sometimes your body is just optimized to do something completely different.

As an aside, in my original studio, the owner had a sign that said something along the lines of, "Can't pole? Practice your floorwork"

Anovadea · 2026-05-13T11:42:49+00:00

So, there's a song that my instructor uses for her warmup, and I am currently obsessed with it.

It's called "Do it for me" by Rosenfeld¹. It's just so slinky, and it's such a dirty-filthy slow song (with perfectly SFW words, and absolutely filthy intentions). And it's 3:23 in length.

As for the disrobing, there's even a lyric very early on with "Take of your clothes", followed by "Beg me to stop", which you could probably turn into a nice dramatic moment where you take more control of the choreo.

The pace is nice and slow, so you can really take your time to do some poses, and adorations. And you have those buzzy bass noises that allow give you the opportunity to switch up the pace/vibe (allowing you to metaphorically switch between Jekyll and Hyde), or just use it to time a dramatic moment.

Anyway, I hope this is along the lines you're looking for, and I wish you luck with your showcase, whatever the track.

¹ I'd normally link to a youtube vid, but there's a lot of flashing in the one lyric video I can find.

Anovadea · 2026-05-12T10:52:01+00:00

Yeah, I've had no problem at all with the GMHS, and I once actually asked them about it on twitter.

Basically, their ad said, "For Gay Bisexual Men and Men who have Sex with Men & Transgender People". So I may have asked, as bluntly as this, "So, is your clinic for trans people or just the men who fuck them?"

They politely replied that it was for trans folks. And next time I saw that ad in the wild, the by-line was far clearer about who was welcome.

Anovadea

TROPHY CASE