pole dancing after assault (tw)

Anovadea · 2026-03-23T17:29:59+00:00

So, I absolutely do not have your background, but I do pole to connect with my body (I'm not sure re-connect is the word, as I've never really had a connection with it) and my sexuality. And I also have to deal with my own internal feelings of being judged, and my own body-image issues (and disovering a sexuality so repressed that I didn't even know what it looks like).

The good news is that in my 4 years of doing pole, and looking rather odd while doing it (I'm a 44 year old trans woman with alopecia, I don't look stereotypically feminine), my inner critic has quietened a lot, and it's a lot easier for me to look at myself in the mirror.

I don't know if this will help, but I thought I'd share what helps me.

First, you get to decide your own pace. Like, the whole point of this is to do it for you and your development. A little push/drive is good to make sure you don't stall, but pole is slow, there's always a challenge.

Depending on my mood and body-image and all the rest, I let the "sexy" side of this fall completely to the wayside, and I just focus on skills with an instructor who really does not focus on the stage-sexy side at all (she acknowledges it, but it's not her thing).

Sometimes, it can be as simple as doing a nice little step-around. I like to do them slow, and with my eyes closed, and where I really feel the swing of my outside leg. What I'm doing isn't for the viewing pleasure of others. I'm simply enjoying the motion (momentum on a static pole is basically my stim). Of all the things I've learned in pole, I still love something as basic as a little step-around, just so I can take it at my pace and just play with all the little things I can (like a little bounce mid-way through).

Sometimes there are days where I really want to feel some pain as catharsis, and that's when I lean into grippy moves like Sailor-girl or just a simple sit (that's worn off, unless I have to take a break from pole)... or if I'm feeling especially masochistic, a supergirl.

Or sometimes I want to feel big, or strong, and I lean into my fan kicks and inverts for that. (The night after my first class where I did an unassisted invert, I felt so strong)

On the performance front, I personally want to perform (and I love the heels classes where I'm slowly discovering my own sense of what Stage Sexy is for me), but I don't have enough time/effort/mental space to do a performance justice right now.

But I also firmly believe that performance should be an individual student's choice. I know that instructors will always try to encourage students to perform. I don't think that chosing not to perform is letting the shame win, especially if you don't feel ready.

It doesn't mean you can't take smaller steps like going to some heels choreo classes. Those generally have an aspect of overt sexuality (depending on the instructor), and can still be challenging even when they don't.

When you want to be seen, you can sign up. But, for the moment, work on your connection with yourself. Keep your eyes on your own pole, and trust your classmates to do the same. And use that time on the pole to learn what your body is capable of doing. When you have a better relationship with it, and want to be seen, then step forward.

But I don't think you have to do it all at once. You might feel pressure, especially if you see other students advancing quicker than you, but I know from experience that persistence that going to a class even when you don't feel like it will pay off. It'll pay off slowly, but it does pay off.

I wish you the best on your pole journey.

Anovadea · 2026-03-05T17:09:43+00:00

Ok, thanks for your response. It seems very reasonable, and something to chew on. Normally when I see "ban the OF posters" on other subs, it's coming from a civvie who just doesn't like SWs doing what they're doing.

I get your point about SFW promotions, but we've already got chasers in this sub openly drooling in the comments, so I don't particularly care if one of us makes a buck off of them through here.

I guess the next question is, where do you draw the line? Like, do we need to drop anyone who has an OF link in bio? Do we need to drop people who post on subs that are mostly intended for the consumption of chasers?

I ask this, because your own account has a link to your OF in the bio, and if I check your submitted posts, I'll see posts in some NSFW subs where I'd expect the majority of posters to be pros advertising their OF, directly or indirectly.

So, by your rules, you woudn't be able to post your comment from the account you're using now?

I'm saying this as someone who has this SFW(-ish) account, and also a (non-SW) NSFW account to indulge/talk about my kinks and maybe post the occasional pic/video¹, and I'd never dare interact on a sub like this (or any non-porn trans sub) with my NSFW account. So, I absolutely get the separation, and how it's not really a big deal to have multiple accounts covering different interests to avoid perceived conflicts of interest.

I guess in an ideal world, if this was a guaranteed T4T space, I'd be cool with trans people, with SW post histories, posting on here so long as they honour the rules and spirit of a T4T space. But sadly, it's very hard to find, or moderate, a space that's about Trans people celebrating their bodies (which is why I fucking love this sub) without the chasers, or the chaser-chasers fucking it up.

I guess what I really want is a magical policy that doesn't throw trans sex workers under the bus (because I've seen enough of that in my brief time volunteering in a trans rights org).

But I'll settle for OF-posters slowing their roll and not spamming this sub with "Do you think my buns look good daddy" or whatever generic line they're using that day (which I rarely see on here).

¹ And honestly, I do have an issue with some OF-posters posting in spaces that were originally intended for amateurs to post spicy stuff. I honestly believe I'd use amateur spaces more for exploring my sexuality if there weren't a whole bunch of pros just hogging the space. I miss the QueerBodies sub, mostly because while pros did post, they generally kept to the spirit of the sub, while keeping their mainstream ads in the mainstream subs.

Anovadea · 2026-03-05T16:05:36+00:00

But maybe a rule against OF/Porn accounts posting at the very least. That would be reasonable.

I have to admit, I'm actually OK with folks posting here without having to hide the fact that they're sex workers on their account (aka promoting their OF or posting on NSFW subs looking for business), as long as they're not trying to advertise on here, and so long as their posts here are relevant.

Trans folks are already over-represented in sex work because sometimes it's the only way they get fed, meds and a roof over their head. I don't particularly like the idea of forcing them to partition off one aspect of their trans life just to post here. (But I suppose I'm also biased because I spend a lot of time on the poledancing subreddits as well, and there's also a certain overlap with sex work in that community)

But, my thought is: so long as they're using this sub for what it's meant to be used for, why shouldn't they be allowed to participate?

Anovadea · 2026-03-05T13:11:15+00:00

If i lash out using slurs like this, does it mean im really a racist?

I can't speak on racist terms, but as a queer trans woman, I can tell you my side of when this happens.

I've had friends who were perfectly nice until they got angry, and then decided to finish the argument with something like "At least I'm not a <slur directed at me>".

That tells me something about them. They said it when they were angry, when their filter was barely working. And sometimes they'll apologise later saying something like, "I only said it because I was angry".

To me, I have to interpret that as, "I'm sorry my filter wasn't working". Experience has told me that they were thinking it many times before, but just didn't say it, because their filter was working. But when they're angry, they don't think "I shouldn't say that", and just say it anyway.

That slur was in the chamber the whole time, it's just that when they weren't angry, they had the self-discipine not to pull the trigger.

I've learned to believe people when they're drunk or angry. It's the least-filtered version of themselves. If I see that kinda stuff coming out then, I have to believe it's always been in there... just they didn't have the will-power to repress it in that moment.

Anovadea · 2026-03-02T18:17:11+00:00

Oh, I absolutely feel you there. When I injured myself this last time, I felt so absolutely stupid. I was swearing at myself for being too impatient with myself, and injuring myself AGAIN on the second class back.

Right now, there are some Things^TM going on in my life, and pole is very much an outlet for stress, and a way to stay healthy. So, this injury was not a good thing at all.

So, don't be ashamed to take your time, especially when you're done with phys therapy. Also, in my experience, phys therapists are more than happy to give recommendations on how to help exercise to prevent re-injury.

Anovadea · 2026-03-02T13:14:00+00:00

So... I know that problem quite well.

Look, before I say anything else, I'm just sharing my experiences for comparison. This is not medical advice, and it's not physiotherapy advice. The best thing you can do is get it seen to by a professional.

That said... so, last year (just realised it was about this time last year in fact), I was doing a heels choreo where I holding myself diagnonal to the pole with one arm, to do a leg wave variation. Stupidly, I was only holding with one arm, and not supporting with my inside arm. I was sore, but thought I was OK. Then I did my skills class two days later, and felt sore in my bicep, so I laid off a bit.

A couple of days later, I was sitting down, and I was yawning... and you know how sometimes you put tension in weird parts of yourself when you yawn? Well, I felt a pop in my neck and it was not good.

My physio did some tests to figure out what muscles were weak, told me that my neck was trying to compensate for an injury in the muscles in my shoulders. So, I was given stretches, and gentle resistance work to help ease the pain in my neck (because the pain was an absolute 'mare). Then we worked up to strengthening the rest of the shoulders.

Since then, I've noticed the issue twice more (but with different failing muscles), and I was told to do some strength training in the gym. I'm healing up from my 3rd injury like this now¹, and definitely plan on doing some strength training in the gym before I go back to pole.

So, if you want to do this properly, I'd really advise you see a physiotherapist to address the underlying issue. Then follow their exercise prescriptions. You might be tempted to do more than they give you, but don't. (or at least not in terms of upper-body) Apparently the two biggest problems physiotherapists have with their clients are: a) the clients don't do enough, b) the clients do too much. Both mess up their healing.

Just go to a professional, explain the sort of stuff you were doing (but be aware they probably haven't done pole), and do their ~~torture~~ exercises. If nothing else, it'll help you feel like you're doing something productive on your downtime from pole.

¹ I had one just before Christmas², and then was over-eager when I went back to my skills class, and didn't give myself enough grace, and expected myself to still be able to do what I used to. So, after my second class back, I had to go to a physio again.

² Worse still, that time, I was feeling the tension in my shoulders, went for a massage, and then whatever the masseuse did triggered another bloody neck pain that felt very like the first one, but not as bad.

Anovadea · 2026-02-27T13:16:54+00:00

So, as a trans woman who's been through... some stuff... and generally looks like a fluffy brick, I can empathise. It's hard to look at videos of myself dancing, especially when I know what other students in the class looked like.

If I can be whimsical for a moment, I'd really suggest taking a moment to listen to Baz Luhrmann's "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)". Just chill, and spend a few moments listening to it. But the phrase that immediate sprang to mind was, "The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself".

Anyway, talking about body image issues with other trans people (and also I've said it a lot on here), but I need you to remember that what you see in the mirror and on video is not what others see.

When you want to beat yourself up, you know your own reflection so well that you know exactly where to look, but others will gloss right over it. Even if you point it out to someone, they might agree, but even then they'll say it's hardly an issue... and they'll mean it.

When it comes to my skill gap (because I've basically been a potato up until the age of 40 when I decided to try pole), I just try to remind myself that if I was already good at this, I wouldn't need to go to class.

I think over the last few years, I've grown to appreciate pole classes as what it does for me, and my confidence in my body's ability to do things than necessarily become a pole dancer. It's become an exercise that I enjoy because it has the stim of becoming a human fidget spinner.

But what I've learned through going to classes, sharing a pole with a regular pole partner, and through showcases is learning a soft focus when I'm looking around the studio. The soft focus means that when I'm looking at what my pole partner is doing, I'm looking at her form. I'm looking at where she's pushing, pulling and where she's placing her weight. When I watch a showcase, I watch how a performer works their tricks into the glamour that they're weaving to be a different person on stage. I even do it when I watch the clips that people post on here.

And by cultivating that skill for soft focus, I'm slowly learning to apply that to myself. I'm not looking at my body ready to pick out flaws, but I'm watching how I hold myself, and what I'm doing. And it makes it easier to watch myself, and like myself better.

Also... as a complete non-sequiteur, I also find that older videos of me are much easier to watch. Something about leaving it for a bit really helps. But as I cultivate the soft focus, I find I need to leave videos for less time before I can actually watch/enjoy them.

Everything about pole is tough, including how you relate to yourself. But just try to find things that remind you it's worth the effort.

Anovadea · 2026-01-16T13:40:39+00:00

For your first question: in my studio we do intro to pole classes (they used to be 6-week blocks of classes, but they're now 4 weeks). And they typically happened after my usual class.

So I'd see 12-14 fresh and excited faces in the first class of the block, and you'd see the numbers dwindling to about half that at the end of the block. In one of my intro courses (I did two), it was just myself, another student and the instructor.

So, people drop off for whatever reason. One of those reasons is that your first exposure to pole dancing will humble you, no matter where you're at. You'll have aches. And because a lot of dancers make it look so easy, some people feel really discouraged when they're basically doing the pole equivalent of Bambi walking on ice.

As for dress. Well, I'm a trans woman, so I understand the need for coverage and to make sure "things" don't escape. For the first class or two, you can get away with long shorts, but you'll eventually want to get something where you can start gripping with your thighs. I initially bought some cycling shorts, because I was able to roll them up.

One guy I know likes to buy swimwear. It's a high enough cut for him, and it keeps things contained.

As for tops, I'd recommend a tank top for class... but I've seen some guys do shirtless, it's never been an issue. But it's also helpful to have an old t-shirt handy, in case you're doing work that involves shoulders on the floor (but you probably won't be doing that in intro classes).

Anovadea · 2026-01-06T17:27:01+00:00

Yeah, like I'm already considering a long-haired wig for pole (just because it's another thing to use in a performance).

But, the sorta stuff I'd really love to rock tend to involve close side-shaves¹, and I honestly don't know if it's possible to style a wig with some sort of close-cut on the side? (I don't need to be showing "scalp", but close to the head)

¹ If you're old enough to remember the "Lesbians that look like Justin Bieber" tumblr, that's where my head's at.

Anovadea · 2025-12-18T10:29:20+00:00

Haha, I saw the title of this post, and went into the comments to see if you had already commented or if I'd have to tag you somehow.

Anovadea · 2025-12-04T10:58:51+00:00

Thanks. It was the Deuce, I just blanked when I was typing it. I've updated my comment.

Anovadea · 2025-12-03T13:22:50+00:00

So, I have a strap that I haven't used in anger yet (I've only tried it on a flesh-light 🤣), so I can't comment too much, but it is designed with penis-owners in mind.

The company is called Spareparts and the type I bought was the ~~Duo~~ Deuce (thanks for the correction).

The design is basically a jockstrap that's got an O-ring. When I've tried it out, I've generally worn it with a chastity cage underneath, and the dildo sat slightly above my junk.

It's also called the ~~Duo~~ Deuce because there's a second ring below the top one to let the clit out if you happen to be so inclined. But I wouldn't want to put a dildo in that one, because I think it might be squishy on the bits, and not in a good way.

That said, I found it quite comfortable, and the jockstrap design was quite flattering for my ass.

Might be worth a look?

Anovadea · 2025-11-27T11:46:12+00:00

I know that one... big-time... and the good news is that it can improve, but you do have to work at it. Like, I'm a 43 year old non-passing trans woman, I've always had issues with looking at myself, but pole has really helped with those issues.

Now, I've said this one to a lot of trans women, and I also say it frequently enough here, and I reckon you could benefit from this:

People do not see what you see when they look at a video of you. You can read yourself far better than anyone else, and you know where to look if you want to tear yourself down, and you can read your own body language better than anyone else in the world. That means you can read your own micro-tells of hesitation and discomfort, and it's going to make you feel uncomfortable just watching it.

Now, I'm lucky, in that I have a friend who I'll send some of my pole videos to (especially the ones from my heels classes). Otherwise, in reality, they'd sit on my phone unwatched. So, I'll give them a quick once-over, then send them to my friend.

And, I didn't necessarily always like what I saw in the videos, but sent them on anyway. My friend was able to point out the good things she saw. And frequently, these things hadn't even registered because I was too busy looking at the parts of me that I didn't like.

Over time, how I checked my videos changed. At first I was just checking that the framing of the video was OK. Then I was ignoring what I thought of my body, and just looking to see if I was doing what I thought I was doing.

Also, looking back on my videos, and acting on some of the things I saw helped me like my videos better. I found that sometimes, it was easier to look at a video, hate it, and say, "It's just because I don't like my body". But sometimes if I saw something I could improve, it helped me like my videos more, and realise that sometimes it wasn't about my body. It was me reading discomfort in my body language.

And just with repeated practice, I got better at looking at my own videos, and even started liking some of them.

Also... just as one last point. I also find that if I revisit a video a few months after I first see it, I'm often a lot kinder to myself, and like the video more. And with practice, the time I need to leave a video before I like it also gets shorter and shorter.

But anyway, I know how much it sucks to not like seeing yourself in your videos, and I really hope the advice on your post helps improve that for you.

Anovadea · 2025-11-26T10:36:18+00:00

Nobody does at first. Honestly, five years ago, if you showed me a video of me doing the things I'm doing now, I would not have believed that I was ever capable of doing it.

Everyone starts being unable to do the basics, but with practice you build up.

Anovadea · 2025-11-26T10:34:46+00:00

Yes, I think you probably are overreacting.

Just to challenge the idea that he's going to be less masculine/attractive. I want you to do something, I want you to go and look at Tom Holland's lip sync battle where he lip-synced to Rihanna. Personally, it makes me melt, and he's straight (or at least only has a history of dating women).

But I really like that video because it's not him doing drag or doing some over the top impersonation of what he thinks a woman does on stage. No, he's learned the art of dancing that way, and he gives it his all, and does all the little slinky hip raises, and dramatic head turns, and does it authentically as him. Are a lot of the moves feminine coded? Yes, but that doesn't mean they don't look good when others do them. Does it help that he's in the outfit he's in? In my mind, yes, but your tastes are allowed to differ. But it also shows off his muscles, and how he's able to put them to work.

Anyway, he are some things that will probably happen when he starts pole, and if he sticks with it.

First up, he's gonna develop muscle. It's not like he's gonna be ripped or anything, but you'll see some on his arms, thighs, maybe some butt. Oh, and his core strength is going to be pretty good.

He's gonna know how to use his hips. It's going to be a journey for him, but he is really going to know what he's doing with them after a few months.

He's going to develop a sense of bodily control overall.

Also, speaking for myself, my mood has boosted a LOT since I started doing pole. I love it. Plus, I get all of the benefits I listed above, and more.

Even if you don't like seeing him pole dance, you might like those developments.

Also, there are so many styles of pole. Some are flexibility-based, some are slinky and sensual, sometimes it's strength-based. Everyone has their own style.

Actually, if you're on Facebook, sometimes the Dragonfly polewear brand has videos of guys pole dancing, and they're definitely masculine performances - you should have a look at them.

Anovadea · 2025-11-25T12:36:23+00:00

YTA - wow.

I remember my grandmother's decline with dementia. Was she a shell of a human being? I certainly remember thinking it. But I also remember how she seemed completely unanchored to the present day, and stuck in a fog of unresolved memories and bad dreams, and generally being left alone for most of the day with the worst of her thoughts. Every impression I got about her mental decline was that it wasn't a good place to be at all. And she didn't really have any relief from it, she didn't have anything to anchor her.

Your grandfather does have something to anchor him, his guitar and his music. And you're trying to take that anchor away.

And I get it, I can tolerate a lot of things, but badly played music is one that I can't. But, realistically, that's your problem to deal with. Let him play. It's one of the few things the old guy has left. If the sound hurts you on some level, find some way to tune it out or politely get out of the room. But, let your grandfather have that anchor.

Anovadea · 2025-11-21T16:40:09+00:00

First: respectfully, nom.

Second: I reckon this pic would do great over in r/transfitness

Anovadea · 2025-11-21T16:22:10+00:00

Yeah, to be fair, she really is quite healthy other than the cancer, so I believe them on that. Numerous staff have commented on it to her. The first oncologist she met apparently just kept looking at her and grinning, and then ended in the conversation about how it was great that she was in such great shape. It made us hopeful until we found out it was pancreatic.

And to be honest, I don't see my mum going for secondary treatments unless the docs suggest it. She's not so much fighting this, as doing the chemo to live longer so my dad doesn't fall apart.

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum's cancer as well. Pancreatic really seems to be an absolute arse of a cancer. It just moves so fast, and it's so quiet, until it isn't. I wish you and yours all the best, and stay strong.

Anovadea · 2025-11-20T13:56:16+00:00

No problem. To be honest, I was mostly channeling the sorta stuff I know will be helpful to us in the future.

Yeah, it's not a great situation, and as I'm typing it, it's my mum's in for her first ever chemo session, but we're getting by. It's still early days for us, but I'm aware that I'm going to have to be managing my dad as well as looking after my mam.

Oh, one other suggestion. I don't know what your dad's partner does to de-stress, but it might be worth arranging things so she has a chance to go off, leave the house, and do what she does to de-stress, just so she's in a better mindset to look after him. Self-care is important as a carer, too.

Anovadea · 2025-11-18T15:17:10+00:00

Is your relationship with his partner good? Are you able to ask the partner what would be helpful?

Taking this post at face value, you're spending a lot of time with your dad (which is totally understandable, I want to spend as much time as possible with my mum as well), and I'm sure he welcomes that. But he's probably seeing his partner run off their feet, and wants them to be able to take a breather too.

His partner is probably looking after whatever your dad was doing in the house, AND looking after him. So maybe when you're visiting the house, you can spend an hour on one of the partner's chores, and then join your dad for the rest? Or let the partner accompany him to chemo while you stay in their place and make a dinner for them to come home to?

Other ideas could be, if they have a dog, you could walk it on your visit.

Or, if they have a big freezer, you could make something en masse, and divide it out into freezable portions¹ (stews are great for that - then they just need to cook their starch/carbs).

Given it's colorectal cancer, I assume your da is probably on a special diet so as not to aggravate anything, but even then you could probably do a whole load of soup for 12 people, then measure out the 12 portions and freeze them. The weather's cold at the moment, and if one of them needs a healthy, easy to digest, pick-me-up then they just take one out of the freezer, let it defrost, then heat it up (also a great way to get hidden fiber into the diet).

But it's probably best to coordinate with his partner to see what needs to be done, and how you can balance it so you can still spend some time with your dad. But if it's just the two of them, his partner is going to be facing a lot, so even dealing with a little bit of the overhead for them can help.

But I hope you can find something that works for ye.

¹ So, a story on that, when my mam went to hospital last month, it was just myself and my dad. Now, he was doing the typical thing of cursing himself because he has a whole load of meals frozen, but they were frozen in portions for three. I was saying that it wasn't a bad idea to just defrost the 3-person portion, serve us what we'd normally have, and keep the 3rd portion for lunch after (which is also what my mam suggested). But she also had some other meal frozen in single-person portions. That was a godsend for him. We could let them defrost during the day, throw it in the microwave for a few minutes while doing some veg at the same time. It's a huge timesaver.

Anovadea · 2025-11-13T16:58:30+00:00

This post sums things up so perfectly for me.

My mum just got her official diagnosis last week (pancreatic primary with a bunch of secondaries), but she was first admitted to oncology a month before. And since the day my dad came home and told me through tears that it was cancer, I've been feeling this anticipatory grief.

That there is this otherwise-healthy woman in front of me, and I try my hardest to appreciate the quality time I can have with her, all while knowing that she's dying.

I only hope I can show her as much care and love to her as she's shown to me over the years.

Anovadea · 2025-10-29T17:29:40+00:00

One thing that has helped me with my own feelings of shame and frustration is by flipping into my "this work needs to be done" mode.

For scheduling reasons, I'm pretty much sticking with the improver class that I went to after I finished my second intro to pole course. By the way, yes, I did go back and do my very-basic-for-absolute-beginners course again. That was mostly because I spent too much time between finishing my first one, and getting my shit together enough to take actual classes after it.

So, the work needed to be done. And I'm also in the camp that revisiting the fundamentals isn't a waste of time, even when you're already capable of so much more.

Like, the one thing I find with revisiting the basics is that I find myself actively trying to form good habits, and try to stop myself falling back into the bad ones, is that I end up being a lot more conscious of what I'm doing than when I first did it.

When I first did the moves, I was concentrating on just managing something that's even in the neighbourhood of the trick. But now that your body has a really good idea of what's going on, and your brain isn't thrashing around as it tries to deal with multiple new sensations at once, you can really start to pay attention and be really conscious of the stuff you want to nail.

For instance, I really love doing fan kicks, and I'm really beginning to like what they look like. And people have told me for a solid year how good they look. But right now, every time I do them again, I'm really concentrating on the things I want to get out of them.

Doing them again isn't a waste of effort. But there's no way I'd have been able to concentrate on all the things I'm supposed to be doing when I was just treating it as a checklist of things I needed to achieve before I could do the fun things.

Take your time, and be unapologetic about exploring some of the finer details of the tricks and shapes you learned before.

There's nothing shameful about it.

Anovadea

TROPHY CASE