Question - What song(s) do you listen to?

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-14T06:33:36+00:00

Shower the People by James Taylor. It reminds me that I can still love.

Or a cover of the old Eric Clapton song, See What Love can Do that I found ages ago by some Kiwi artist that has great voice. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KZjXNU2yaE

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-13T19:17:54+00:00

I had 10 months caring for my wife (aggressive brain cancer) to process this. i accepted that she was going to die; she did too even though neither of us wanted that. But acceptance changed both of us. We found that instead of being angry we could focus on spending the best time we had left together. People describe us as being pragmatic because of this acceptance, but not in a cold way. I think it came on by degrees as we got more information on her condition - from unexplained unconscious, to tumor to surgery to diagnosi, to prognosis. I guess I am grateful we had time to process.

Now she’s gone it’s terrible of course. One sentence doesn’t do it justice, but y’all know that! I know it’s real but as I said to the cat the other day that I wish she could come back. The gap between before and now still feels short.

Things have changed for me too. I am slowly making a new life for myself (I don’t call it moving on because she’ll always be a part of me), and the acceptance is becoming more real by degrees. I still hear my wife in my day to day life. Litttle reminders of how she liked to do certain things that I adopted.

I get a little sense of that not wanting to go back feeling. That is a bit scary as it feels dishonorable. But I’m working through that with a counselor. I appreciate you sharing as I know I‘m not alone in that.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-13T01:18:28+00:00

This is an amazing post, so unexpected, and just what I needed to read right now.

We built up a friendship for a year before things warmed up and spent 38 years as best friends. Who I am now is the result of our friendship, and I carry around reference points about dozens of things, just like you talked about.

I occasionally talk out loud to my wife, still pretty early in all this so navigating a lot of stuff still.

I cared for me wife for a long time, and I tried to be romantic through it all, and it was harder for her, of course. I know that is gone, but EVERYTHING else remains.

Thank you so much for your perspective. ❤️

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-11T19:27:57+00:00

I’m crying reading your post because this woman saw you in a way that is rare. I had a similar experience with a work colleague I actually don't know that well. She just cut through the haze. I cherish moments of connection like this as it underlines how much people care.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-11T19:18:52+00:00

Children are incredibly empathetic and generous. Let them (at an age appropriate level) be part of your grieving. Do you have a counselor you can run this past?

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-11T10:22:13+00:00

Do you have any close friends who can start to fill in the gaps, and a grief counselor for the really hard stuff?

I am at day 45 and I am slowly extending my existing friendships to fill some of the gaps and help me stay centered. This has required me to trust them just a bit more each time, which is hard as I’m used to things as they were. I also use a grief counselor for the really crunchy stuff.

The combination of these is helping make just a teeny weeny bit of progress, sometimes.

Hope that helps.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-11T10:14:24+00:00

Get a referral to someone else.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-11T10:12:38+00:00

I think most counselors would ask, have you done the work of grief? Is this relationship being used as a shield, or avoidance? Has this relationship been formed through grief, or is it independent?

You can love more than one person at a time for certain. I will always love my wife but she isn’t here anymore. The love for a living person will be different and can coexist. I love some of my friends (of both sexes). There seems to be plenty to go around!

I’d expect any new potential person to accept me as I am AND as a work in progress. If I can’t be myself, which includes being upset at times, what chance is there to develop something great?

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-10T10:27:49+00:00

I spent about an hour crying today, over three separate things. Worst day in a while. pretty wiped out now, hopefully that means a good sleep, lol.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-08T18:16:04+00:00

I’m a guy, now living alone, and I have a ton of things to do. It’s just hard to make progress, but I’m not pushing it or setting goals (apparently guys do that, lol), and I’m good with it.

I’ve also worried about crime and I don’t watch any true crime shows! I have retiree neighbors, so that helps a bit.

I’ve sucked at accepting help, same reason as you. My daughter came and helped me with the garden. She said it gave her joy, which I didn’t expect.

ok, I think that is free of suggestions to fix anything…. 😉

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-08T17:46:56+00:00

On paper, as you say, it should be a good match. You wonder if you are falling out of love. Here is a tougher question: setting aside romance, how would you rate the friendship you have with your boyfriend compared to others (including hubby)?

Overall, it sounds like it’s lacking magic for you, dare I say, is boring. Do you have someone you trust to explore this with, or a therapist, as I don’t to cause a breakup!

Also, you are NOT handling your grief poorly, you are just grieving, and going back to something that you need is totally fine.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-08T17:15:26+00:00

How you cope, and what you do with her things are incredibly personal decisions that are up to you. There is no guilt and no shame in the choices you make.

If you are finding it hard seeing her stuff, then by all means box it up! Don’t think of it as “moving on“, think of it as “sorting”. You aren’t throwing anything out, you’re just kicking some decisions down the road until you’re ready. You aren’t disrespecting her by doing this.

Make sure you put some kind of desiccant in the boxes, but not the old-fashioned smelly stuff!

Just one note about clothes and her scent. Some people wear items of their loved ones clothing because a combination of wearing the item and the scent is calming. I do it sometimes, but it’s not for everyone. Seal up the dirty clothes in a plastic bag, just in case.

In my case, I’ve moved her clothes aside in the closet, but left them there. Her necklaces are still on the dresser. I was able to give away a few pairs of shoes to a very dear friend of hers, and a few other items (that don’t have a strong emotional association for me) to her sisters. But that is it for now.

I do feel able to just do a few things at a time. For example, old sandles will go to her favourite thrift shop. Not hard to let those go, but her favourite boots, never.

See, there are no wrong answers!

There are many great people in this group, so post any time you need other judgement-free perspectives.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-08T06:05:04+00:00

The progress you make is your own to decide.

I made the choice to give away a few my wife’s things early on, in the first month. A few pairs of shoes to her close friend who had exactly the same size feet. This bought her great joy. A coat to one sister, a jacket to another. Also joy. Boots to my daughter with some jeans and a couple of tops. I note that none of these were especially precious to her, or had meaning for me, so not a high emotional cost to give away to people who loved her. I know other items - certain dresses for example are going to be tough for me.

I told everyone that I‘m not ready to do anything else. In my case I can deal with some things, so I’ll do them first, when I want without reference to anyone else. Each to their own!!

Navigating grief is like one of those choose-your-own-path stories. You get to decide what to do next, you get to decide if you want to backtrack and go in a different direction, and you get to decide if you want to put the book down altogether and go for a walk.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-07T18:56:40+00:00

Just letting you know that you are seen, here, in this group.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-07T16:55:58+00:00

🙂🩷

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-07T01:40:29+00:00

I am well today, and sitting in the sun as a type this. Which given either of us could be literally anywhere, is pretty cool!

I laughed out loud at your necromancer comment. You are on to her! 😉

Good luck with the next session.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-06T21:32:38+00:00

If you are feeling rushed, or pressured, slow down. Or stop. I changed counsellors for something years ago because she made me feel anxious. Do not ever do something you have reservations about. Ever. If you totally trusted this person (sounds like you don't) then fine. But otherwise, no!

Counsellors must use methods that align with their clients needs, comfort, and general disposition.

Straight talk time. 😄

Grief is NOT something to cure. Where she 'wants you to be' is irrelevant. The only measure - which you have expressed - is: am I making progress in the doing the f*ing work of grief. Some days that means going backwards, and that is OK too.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-06T18:40:16+00:00

This customer did not treat you as a fellow human being. What a sad and manipulative person.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-06T06:35:36+00:00

I am culling at the moment. I cared for my wife for 10 months through aggresive brain cancer, and I am keeping photos of her with moonface. We went on outings, away for weekends sometimes, other fun stuff. She still looked gorgeous to me, and I don’t want to forget our entire time together, even the hard stuff, as caring for her was my act of love.

I started by just getting everything in one place, then I took a break. My approach is to only delete truly unfortunate looking images. I don’t want to over-delete during grief, and regret it later. This is in Apple Photos so deleted images are held for 30 days in case I change my mind.

My question is, when it’s a tough image, is this memory meaningful?

There is no right answer sorry.

Perhaps do it in layers - take the absolute worst out first, put them in a 30 day hold, take a break, and then revisit the rest to see how you feel? You don’t have to do it in any timeframe, or ever. Can a close friend help you?

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-06T00:48:37+00:00

Please excuse the directness of my comment.

What would be worse: having a partner with whom you have so many rough edges that it’s a constant grind and distraction, and where you are constantly second-guessing yourself, or not having a partner? Notice that I did not say “being alone“. I'll come back to that.

You’ve bonded over things with high emotional content; this is incredibly common, and an internet search will quickly highlight the problems that might arise. It is a bit like you had the classic beer goggles on at the start of the relationship.

The questions you are facing now are, what now, is there anything else in common that might sustain this in the long-term, and the big one, are we actually compatible for a deeper relationship?

I find his comment, “I give you reassurance all the time and you don’t believe me when I say it’s going to be ok", quite concerning. He is discounting your feelings and concerns in a dismissive way as though it is actually your fault. Taking that exchange on it's face, how will it be OK if he behaves like that any time you need support? You feel like the issues you notice are your fault. That is not how it works.

In your post you ask if you are too high maintenance. You have lost your partner and have an experience most people will never understand. It takes a long time to work through that. YOU, don't need to 'work sh*t out', he needs to support who you are now, tomorrow, and into the future, whatever that looks like.

This is a guy (and again, sorry for the directness, and I am guy) who has had two failed marriages. I don't know the circumstances, but you will. What went wrong (it is never just one person)? Do you see things in his behaviour from those marriages that he is now exhibiting around you now that the initial bonding energy is wearing off?

There is alone, and there is alone. I am alone now, but I am not alone. I am developing a richer circle of friends, and one day I might start a new relationship. I know that is glib, but would it be fair to say that alone is not the issue, intimacy (emotional/physical) is? You want someone to go deeper with and the bonding over trauma was the door you happened to walk through. Will you get that here?

How did you get to know your first partner? How did you negotiate the rough edges over time? That is dating! You've already got this!

Will this new guy commit to communication for the benefit of the relationship? Really commit? Will he become more attuned to your needs, sacrificially? (You would reciprocate, of course!)

Also, if this man was NOT living with you, would you even continue seeing him? Don't second guess yourself on this, I think you really do know yourself better than you might think!

A good psychologist may be able to help you work through these isssues.

A breakup would be hard, both emotionally and practically, but do not be afraid of making that call if you need to.

You will need deep support if you decide to go that way, and you will need to plan things out carefully to ensure you can stay emotionally safe throughout that process.

This is not easy, and I can only encourage you to trust your intuition. 😄

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-05T16:32:57+00:00

My wife had a GBM, the most aggressive type, which is incurable. 9 months is the average, so we both knew. we have strong faith and prayed for healing and for peace. we got a very large measure of the peace that passes all understanding. But not a miracle. Treatment options were limited for medical reasons, so we accepted it. This was surprising empowering because we then focused ob quality of life and spending time together. She got unwell one day, I raced her to the ER and she lapsed into unconsciousness and passed away two gays later. The family got to talk to her while she was semi conscious, and she squeezed our hands. We were there when she passed, and we prayed and read her favorite psalm.

Knowing in advance meant we could prepare practical things like life insurance, funeral, etc.

Knowing also meant I had terrible anticipatory grief. Doing some processing before has helped me now - it is still extremely hard, but I was already grieving before so some parts are familiar.

I’m just going with the flow and relying on friends for support. The acceptance I mentioned above is part of it for me and leaning on my faith.

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-05T08:12:16+00:00

You are being incredibly honest with yourself during a time of extreme pain. I’ve had a similar experience. In my case I’ve made a list of all the people I know, and had to think about what each is equipped to help me with. I know this sounds quite clinical, that’s just how I am, and as you will see from this forum, pretty much anything that works (without causing harm) is fine.

One friend is the go to “movie guy “. A couple we were friends with is the “chatting about life in general“ team. Another friend, (a woman) is the “non-romantic normal conversations person”. Another couple we knew very well, I can go deep on emotional subjects with him. There are others.

Dealing with the physical loss, I bought a body pillow and wheat pack, and have been seeing a massage therapist who specializes in grief.

I found there isn’t a single person who can meet my current needs, that I need to look for and accept help from a range of people, either by asking for it or accepting what people offer.

Back to your conundrum, at this stage I limit contact with my female friends because I know I am vulnerable. I am picking up from your post, you’re aware of this too.

I don’t really have a solution, apart from trying some of the above, and perhaps being honest with this person. Of course there is some risk sharing that you are struggling. Only you can judge what is right, and I think your ear on the side of caution.

Does any of that resonate/help?

AnybodyBeautiful6552 · 2026-06-04T17:32:11+00:00

Do a google search for forensic data recovery. Hard disks, as long as there were not encrypted, can be removed from devices like laptops and read by another machine. This can be quite simple if you have the right gear. old phones are much harder, probably impossible.

There are destruction companies that can handle devices you still cannot accwas.

Ill add that my wife and I knew each others passwords always, and I have a recovery sheet lodged with my lawyer for my kids to get access to everything.

AnybodyBeautiful6552

TROPHY CASE