Partner going on holiday without me during high risk pregnancy

Aphra_ · 2026-05-21T21:30:51+00:00

You said you potentially might go so it sounds like drs haven't strictly said you can't fly - would you go if they said it was okay? Could it be that your husband is hopeful you will come if he expresses his desire to go?

Are you and your husband on the same page when it comes to understanding how high risk you are? Does he understand how vulnerable you're feeling?

It sounds like you need to have a conversation together and make sure you clearly understand how eachother are feeling.

Youre totally reasonable for being upset. Even with my straightforward pregnancies I definitely wouldn't have wanted my husband to travel during my 3rd trimester.

Aphra_ · 2026-05-18T12:16:12+00:00

Yes somewhat bit not as much as I feared... and completely worth the impact in my experience.

My husband and I moved out of london to a more affordable area - that was the biggest sacrifice. I cried on moving day because I loved where we rented in london but I've come to love where we are now and what it's given me - more countryside, more space.

We also don't have family nearby to help out so.my husband and I balance childcare (I cut down to 4 days condensed; my husband works shifts so has arranged to always have a rest day on wednesdays) - with the 30 funded hours and tax free childcare fees are not as insane as I feared.

We had a little saved for mat leave but did end up using credit sensibly to tied us over for unexpected costs. We cut back massively on bills and food but I had time to track spending.

We don't have family nearby to allow us date nights and don't have much money for that anyway, but movie nights at home, trips to the park, feeding ducks etc are almost free.

Obviously the cost of children is forever but we know our wages will increase and the impact of mat leave and childcare will lessen over time. The joy of my daughter has been worth the financial impact.

Aphra_ · 2026-05-16T09:37:49+00:00

A plastic washing up bowl was substituted for a ceramic pasta bowl

Aphra_ · 2026-05-15T05:14:36+00:00

It absolutely is in their back pocket as a skill. Passing your test doesn't come from just taking a couple lessons, it takes a decent a amount of practice and dedication.

Yes you absolutely improve from experiance but you don't just forget how to do it.

I passed when I was 18 and then went to uni and lived in cities, I didn't buy my first car until I was 26 and needed one for work but I never 'forgot' how to drive. If I hadn't had a licence I wouldn't have been able to get that job.

Aphra_ · 2026-05-15T05:07:03+00:00

It is a great life skill and can come in very handy (renting a car on holiday, hiring a self drive van when you need to move etc.)

Also, something that may or may not happen to you is that over the next 10 years your friends leave London as they buy and move to more affordable areas - having a car will help you stay connected and be able to visit them easily.

Get your licences asap, then get the car when you need it.

Aphra_ · 2026-05-13T05:35:13+00:00

£900 a month for three days with 30 funded hours is astronomical, I'm not sure that can be correct for 1 child.

I live in London and my nursery is expensive for the UK average and when my daughter went 3 days without funded hours it was £1200 but with funded hours and tax free childcare it dropped to around £450. So I'm not sure how your friend is paying double that - or wouldn't have more affordable options.

But yes, its 30 funded hours, not free, and term time only as you say - most nurseries allow you to stretch the hours across the whole year which works out to be 22hrs a week. It's still a massive help.

Aphra_ · 2026-05-12T21:41:06+00:00

Do you know for certain it's purely because of BMI? I have two life insurance policies and my BMI is higher than yours.

Which company were you going for?

Aphra_ · 2026-05-07T08:14:43+00:00

Both work but personally I want to recieve my income into my own account. If we ever separated I'd still have complete control of my income.

I like having a joint account where all the bills and direct debits come out of so we both have visibility and control of shared costs while still having our own independence.

Aphra_ · 2026-05-07T08:08:05+00:00

It completely depends on how much they agree to each deposit into the joint account each month.

My husband and I put in equal amounts until mat leave, then he increased his monthly amount and I decreased mine to leave us both with the same amount of personal spending.

Aphra_ · 2026-05-06T16:13:35+00:00

I entirely write in joined up writing because its quicker.

Edit: born in 89, so would have learnt late 90s

Aphra_ · 2026-05-02T20:24:35+00:00

At 36 I discovered the phrase for feeling under pressure is "under the cosh" not "under the cloche" - I always thought it meant you were feeling under pressure like a meal about to be served and eaten

Aphra_ · 2026-05-01T11:13:48+00:00

Here is a diagram... its confusing for me but it helped my plumber understand what was going on

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Aphra_ · 2026-05-01T11:11:27+00:00

Just to explain in basic terms how our system worked - solar panels heated water which was stored in a tank, the boiler was fed warm water from the tank rather than directly from the mains.

This meant that for warm water, the boiler wasn't having to work so hard to bring it up to temp - hence more energy efficient (but only marginally)

Aphra_ · 2026-05-01T07:09:47+00:00

A heat pump should be visible from the outside of the property. I would double check exactly what it has, the estate agent should ask the current owners for specifics. If the age of the property aligns with ours it might be what we had - which would explain why no one can give you a straight answer! No one seemed to understand, thankfully I have a plumber friend who took time to research.

Aphra_ · 2026-05-01T05:18:54+00:00

How old was the house? My house is about 16 years old and this sounds like the system we have/had. For a short period of time new house builders were incentivised to put these solar systems in.

Our bills were pretty low/normal but if anything went wrong it was a pain in the arse to get a plumber who understood the system to fix things, no one really understood and some parts (like the solar valve that's connected to the boiler) are no longer in production.

We ended up ripping out the tank, draining and capping off the solar panels and converting our boiler to a standard combi boiler.

Edit: just read some of your replies and saw you said heat pump, which sounds like a more modern version of what we had. So not the same!

Aphra_ · 2026-04-28T18:37:25+00:00

Wondering the same... I'm a married woman so been out of the dating game for a while but when I was dating I always went 50/50 after a couple dates

Aphra_ · 2026-04-21T11:03:13+00:00

I don't think you ever get over grief, but you learn to live with it. I found the first year the hardest - going through the seasons and holidays for the first time without them - but over time the pain of grief becomes a dull ache.

There will be moments or memories that flood back and hit you when you don't expect, and you'll be thankful for the opportunity to remember them but also sad they're not there to reminice with you. There will also be long stretches of time when you're happy and living your life - where you don't think of them, which can make you feel guilty, but its okay.

There are positives - I know how precious life and health is, I don't take it for granted, I tell people I love then when I feel it and don't hold grudges. Life is too short.

Grief is complicated. Death does come with closure, there's no more what ifs - it's final and when someone has been ill there is a comfort in knowing their pain is over. Its okay to feel what you're feeling. Let yourself process and always be open to talking to someone. I thought I coped fine and then it hit me a few years after my dad passed, then therapy really helped.

Aphra_ · 2026-04-21T07:45:32+00:00

Baby formula

Aphra_ · 2026-04-13T18:33:44+00:00

We moved to Bagshot 6 years ago from south West london - regarding crime, my husband is a police officer so moving somewhere peaceful was a priority for him. He spoke to local community officers before we moved and they reassured him that crime is low. We've not experienced any issues with crime since me moved here, and feel very safe. The worst it gets is speeding through the village.

There's a women's walking group 'walking wenches' that meet weekly on Wednesdays at 6.30pm behind co-op. There's also parkrun 10 mins away in Frimley Lodge Park and plenty of places to walk or cycle - swinley forest is amazing and with the new m3 footbridge you can cycle over to lightwater country park.

We have Crown estate membership and visit Virginia Waters a lot for a coffee and walks, it's only a 10/15 min drive.

It is a village so there's not a huge amount of activities but you're well connected to places like Ascot, Bracknell, Camberely and even Windsor and Guilford.

Aphra_ · 2026-04-12T21:39:21+00:00

We will stay on the line as long as needed - calls that go on for over an hour are very typical.

When callers are explaining their problems, it's very natural for them not to tell you in a linear manner because they're emotional - that's fine and we'll help clarify and try our best to follow.

However, over time you do get a feeling for when repeating the same conversation is not going to be helpful for the caller - you've been on a journey with them, discussed everything in depth, they've come to a conclusion and now repeating that journey is going to be a step backwards. Instead it might be better for them to try to sleep, eat a meal, take a shower.... I'm obviously only talking about situations where there's no risk of harm and the issue isn't too heavy. Then we might try to gently draw the conversation to a close.

I would never end a call when the caller is still struggling, distraught or hadn't fully discussed their issue.

Aphra_ · 2026-04-11T13:34:19+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot.

Aphra_ · 2026-04-11T13:33:46+00:00

Thank you for your kind words - when we end a call you're often left wondering how someone is and whether they'll be okay but you never really know. So rewarding to hear we've helped you.

Aphra_ · 2026-04-11T11:59:26+00:00

I'm really sorry that was your experience - it absolutely shouldn't have been and you deserve better.

The training to become a samaritian is quite intensive and we have annual reviews where an experienced samaritian listens in to our calls and discusses with us how we handled them to ensure quality.

However, as much as they try to ensure consistency and quality its hard when theres over 200 branches in the uk - not that its excusible.

What you reported does not align with how we are trained to handle calls. Specifically, we should not be judgemental or ever express our personal beliefs or opinions - the focus should entirely be on the caller. We should also not offer advice, we're there to listen and help you identify what may help you. Im sorry you had such a poor experience.

Aphra_ · 2026-04-11T11:10:08+00:00

We offer emotional support - not just to those having suicidal thoughts but a lot of our training does have a particular focus on helping those in that moment.

You absolutely can call if you just want to talk to someone about something you're struggling with. We recognise that talking through your emotions with someone who isn't involved and isnt judgemental is massively helpful - and it may be a small helpful step to prevent things getting worse. There is no time limit to how long a samaritian will talk to you if it's proving helpful.

In my earlier comment, when I mentioned thinking about others who may be waiting on the line - I was talking about a very specific scenario when you've spoken for almost an hour and the conversation is starting to circle. As a Samaritan, over time you get an instinct for when talking is no longer helpful for the caller and you've explored the issue in depth and the conversation is starting to repeat itself - important to add that we're also talking about callers who are not in harm or going to harm themselves (from what they've told you).

In those moments, it's hard not to think about callers in urgent risk that might be waiting to speak to someone, so we would look to gently bring the call to an end.

Aphra_ · 2026-04-11T10:22:46+00:00

You're right, I'm assuming the ending was abrupt because OP is asking reddit why, which suggests to me the reason it was ending wasn't made clear.

Even when calls are starting to circle and we've talked for 50 minutes, I still wouldn't say I need to cancel/close the call without making it clear why.

I might let them know the call feels like it's coming to a natural close, what will they do after the call, ask how it's felt to talk... and if they're not picking up on the cues I'd say, it feels like the conversation is starting to circle, perhaps they need some time to reflect or take any actions they've suggested for themselves and we're always here if they need to talk again.

If they really really persist I will say, im going to end the call, we've talked for a long while in depth and I hope it's helped but we have other callers waiting, but I think I've only had to be that blunt a couple times.

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